listening to his apology hit the air, the end of his statement hit savannah like a brick. whether she liked it or not, it was the truth—her friends, his friends, everyone in between... they’d think bad of her no matter what. things wouldn’t just be ‘savannah was the quarter virgin & theo won’, it would suddenly turn into every person either of them had relations with during their lessons turning on her. it was easier for theo because they expected him to be messing with multiple girls but savie? it would be the hottest story in walnut. “i would’ve had you warn me, the. i would’ve had you sit down and tell me before somebody else did.” she sighed, frustrated with theo and the situation in front of her. there was no right way to do this—no right way to express any of the emotions that were building up inside of her. “where does this even leave us? i mean, what the hell are we even supposed to do now?”

“some, all... super glad i finally broke out of that, right?” she replied sarcastically in response to his undeniable statement. she was always the good girl of walnut: straight A’s, virgin mary, only-a-party-girl-when-theo’s-around, the whole nine yards; now here she was, a resting 4.0 at yale & on track to graduate with and, eventually, marry the physics major that continued to rest his eyes through and through savannah’s jokes. as much as she despised it, she knew she was still living the same life that she was living at eighteen, still craving something so much more than the cookie-cutter image she had found herself in her entire existence. “bound for life? does that mean if you try to leave they get to kill you? because that seems pretty intense.. then again, with all that beer pong and brotherhood why would you ever want to leave?” savie’s voice almost returning to a normal volume, she leaned into the pillow that rested against the glass window behind her, finally beginning to feel normal & calm for the first time tonight. talking to theo came just as easily as it use to, as if nothing had changed and no time had past between them. “i always thought i came across as a book and snake kinda girl, honestly. but no, unfortunately, no taps as of now. just your average english literature major.” pausing slightly, savannah shifted her body to look out of the other section of glass that filled the bay window. “sorry to call so late the... i mean, i know it’s later here, but clearly you had some fraternity shenanigans you were still recovering from when i woke you up.”

hearing a barely-familiar voice on the other side of the line, savannah’s spine straightened. it wouldn’t be the first time she left a missed call for him to discover in the morning, or the last, causing her past-lover’s voice echoing over the line to leave her temporarily speechless. still, just as she remembered, theo’s words sprung into action despite the draining tiredness that managed to shine through. name after name (women with a touch of aisha of course, what did she expect, right?) ran out of his mouth as he explained a brunch plan and a quick i love you before he, presumably, checked the caller ID. as if her name awoke his brain the same way vi’s dream awoke her, theo’s voice cleared & strengthened, returning to the sound she had engraved in her mind. still, sav remained silent as she watched her fiance sleep from across the room, theo’s words hitting her eardrum like a gunshot as he said her name. “call it bad luck if you want. after all, when have you ever known me to be up having fun at 4am?” her voice remained quiet, still unsure of her reasoning for calling, still unsure of what to say to him, still unsure if isaac would sleep through this—if she was cheating on him every time she pressed theo’s contact. “so.. favorite delta tau, huh? are you telling me you’re one of those typical frat boys now, the? i really wish i could say i didn’t see that one coming...”  she teased, desperate to hear whatever she could get out of him for the little time they’d remain on the phone. 

“you don’t get it, theo! before, i had a choice in how people saw me, what they thought, now this is all they see from me! i’m just another quarter virgin you managed to conquer!” she explained, her volume mildly lowering as she fell backwards onto the end of her bed. “two fucking grand, the... i just, i can’t believe they put a price on me; i can’t believe you let them put a price on me, that you took the money in the first place. sure, you took me away like i was something special but what does that matter if you violated the trust i put in you that weekend? what does that matter when devon finds out i was worth two grand to you and we can’t even speak without him trying to fight you? what does any of it matter when all i can hear is the fucking nosiness now?”

heart pounding, savannah’s eyes flung open. attempting to catch her breath & gather her thoughts, she took in the barely-lit room around her, trying to get the dream out of her mind. on one side, the clock read 3:42AM; on the other, a sleeping isaac remained unphased by whatever sleep-talking his girlfriend may have done tonight. he had heard her whispers for theo before, listened to her beg him not to go anywhere in her sleep. he never told her and she never asked, but it was always clear the morning after when his dark eyes avoided hers and every statement between them was suddenly hushed. pulling herself out of the bed, savie felt the sweat that still dribbled down her back. isaac was ideal; he had never slept with another woman during their relations, he was a fellow yale student with his head on clearly, and he wanted nothing more than to love & care for savannah throughout their life; still—her soul craved theo. grabbing her phone, savannah climbed into the tiny bay window of her run-down apartment. pressing her freshly manicured nails (she and isaac had reservations this weekend—go figure) against her touch screen, she found her way to the name she had avoided looking at time and time again only to click it without a thought. her mind was in auto-pilot now and all she wanted was theo, no matter what form of contact or which one of them may have someone else asleep in their bed. one ring. he’s not going to answer. two rings. did isaac just wake up? no, no.. he’s just flipping over.. three rings. what am i even going to say. four rings. holy shit, sav, what are you doing?

the more defensive theo got, the hotter savannah’s head felt. it was impossible to think straight; her mind was racing, everything felt numb, & theo’s words began to blur together. “—i don’t want your fucking money, t!” she spat, her voice raising with each second. “but they don’t know that, do they?! they don’t know what we’ve been doing, they don’t care if you took me away for the weekend, they don’t care if i’m not just some quick fuck to you... that’s all they’re ever going to see me as! all i’m ever going to be is one of your flings, one of your bootycalls that just happens to live right-fucking-next door.”

"is that what you do, then? use them and dump them? because i’m sure i’ve heard you participating in all of that gossip before.” savannah questioned, knowing the boys she use to associate with had become a group of womanizing dogs within the recent years. truthfully, she had no intention of actually having sex with noel or investing any sort of emotion into the relationship—he was a distraction; someone to keep her mind off of whatever extra-curricular activities theo had found himself outside of their lessons. “the point of all those hours we’ve spent is so that i can do & know how to do whatever the hell i want. half the girls you sleep with won’t give you head but do you see me telling you you’re wasting your time? no, i just go down on you more. don’t concern yourself with it unless you’re the one between my legs.” 

the feeling of theo’s fingers against her chest was enough to halt savannah’s breathing for a moment. letting her hand lose to wander theo’s body, she found her way under his shirt as he pressed against her. “maybe it does, maybe it doesn’t...” she trailed off, letting out a small chuckle as she unclasped her bra. as his voice became powerful & more assertive, savie quickly became more compliant–her quick ‘punishment’ only enabling her passive behavior. still, she couldn’t help but see how far she could push him, after all.. “i’m not the one that had distractions going off left and right, why am i the one getting punished?” she complained, scrunching her eyes together as she looked up at him.

letting out a small sigh in regards to theo’s timely smirk, savannah let her books rest on the desk beside her. “so what if i want to be used? you don’t know what intentions i’m going into this with or what kind of relationship i have with noel.” she spat back, her tone becoming frustrated in response to his last statement. “he is spending that time and energy chasing me theo, and i’ve kept everything about us hidden perfectly fine–if we’ve kept it quiet this long, kept any of your little flings from finding out, why don’t you think i can keep mine from knowing anything? as long as you keep your mouth shut, i think we’ll be perfectly fine. what’s the point of having these lessons if i can’t put them to use?” 

shaking her head at his girlfriend comment, savannah let out a silent hum as his hands wandered her body. chills radiating up her spine as his words flooded her mind, she let a soft smile escape. theo wasn’t good at a lot of stuff in their friendship, but god did he know how to touch her. “undivided attention, you to have an A in english... the list could go on and on if you’re truly asking.” savannah knew in all reality all it would take is a few more inches of skin on skin contact and a few more pet names and she’d be caving in, but there was no way she was giving up so easily until that moment came. “you can do whatever the hell you want to this ass of mine, and i still won’t feel even a hint of something for you.” she lied, her voice raising slightly as her statement of defiance hit the air.  

"jealous? do you know who you’re talking to?” theo’s princess comment was just one of many ways he had found to push her buttons, along with whatever he may already be saying, and it was rewarded successfully with another brown-eyed roll. “i’m not one of your little girlfriends, remember?” she joked, watching as his gaze kept with hers through the phone changes. feeling her head get fuzzy and her arguments fall as he pulled her body into his, savannah placed her hand against his chest, attempting to create some kind of distance to stand her ground. “you think you can just tell me a good girl and i’m just going to spill into your arms?” she questioned, pushing her lips out into a pout. “and again—i’m not pissed. that would require me actually feeling some sort of emotion towards you.”

savannah listened to the boy’s explanations as the attitude on her face began to heighten. ‘we talk all the time..’ of course they do, she thought to herself. the only one of the group she remained in contact through the years with was weston, and even he barely spoke to her in front of theo. something about the group made her feel outcasted, like one of the forgotten. clenching her jaw at his question, savie shook her head lightly. “who said i was pissed? all i’m trying to say is that when i tutor you, i give you my full attention and i expect the same during our lessons.” she excused, hoping the redirection was enough to distract the argument. “—and honestly, how can you even focus with that thing constantly going off? just because you put it on vibrate doesn’t mean it’s not still a distraction.” she huffed, her lips tightening as she looked at him.