Fckedup247

Edward: “you’re literally immortal”

Emmett helping Carlisle pack the jeep

Emmett: “you know all of this could’ve been easily avoided if you didn’t adopt him”

Carlisle: “…you do know if I hadn’t adopted him..none of you would be here?? He was my first adopted child”

Meanwhile:

Emmett: “you got two options, kill her and get this over and done with orrrrrr turn her, idgaf”

Edward: “it’s not that easy!”

Charlie: “I’m not mad, I just wanna know why you have a fake I.D”

Bella: “I um… I was gonna buy alcohol”

Charlie: “Try again”

Bella: *mumbles*

Charlie: “what was that?”

Bella: “…You need to be 21 to hold the puppies in Port Angeles”

Alice: “Shut your mouth Emmett or I’ll-“

Emmett: “What can you do at your height huh??Kick me in the ankle? Oh I’m so afraid”

*later that evening*

Edward: “hey why is Emmett in the bathtub in a fetal position?”

Jasper: “then the opposite of progress must be congress

Emmett: “So then opposite of constitution has to be-“

Esme: “where’s Jasper?”

The Cullens: “??”

*meanwhile at forks old folks home*

Random 90 year old man: “Kids now a days wouldn’t know hard work if it hit them in the face, when I was their age I was fighting for my country in Nam”

Emmett: “d’ya think we’ve bought milk from the same cow twice?”

Edward: “we don’t even drink mil-”

Emmett *eye-roll*: “I don’t WANT to break up but I feel like it would aid in my experience of the Midnights album if we broke up, would really get me to that vulnerable state to really understand the music y’know?”

Rosalie:

Rosalie: “WE’RE MARRIED-“

Edward: “Carlisle I don’t know how this happened”

Emmett: “Well did you wear a condom”

*the whole Cullen family stare at him*