☾⟡⋰ — dkla.

    coming home has somehow become even more nerve-wracking as of late, luca’s inability to process everything at once making him more anxious than ever. somehow, alex hating him was the simplest thing about their situation – something he was used to, an old loss to focus on rather than the very new one, so sharp and painful that luca was sure he’d never grow used to how it made him feel. hana was another story, luca’s fondness for her established since just days after she’d been born, but even so, he’d never imagined this would be in the cards for any of them. he’d always giddily pictured watching her grow up from just a little further away, visiting his best friends often – being called uncle luca or something similar, spoiling her as much as he could manage, teaching her things her parents might frown upon just to see the looks on their faces. & now here he is instead, grief and confusion and new responsibility mingling into god knows what. 

     it should be no surprise, then, when he lets himself into the apartment and finds alex. this was bound to happen eventually to one of them, luca’s own tears being saved for private settings but hard to control at times. just the sight of his co-parent in the position luca finds him in has a lump growing in his throat, & he considers only for a second or two the fact that this was likely supposed to be a private moment too, something alex might have kept to himself if only he’d known luca would be arriving home early that day. he feels selfish as soon as he thinks it – if anyone can understand what alex is going through, it’s him, & that’s fact whether or not alex wants his comfort. his school bag thumps against the ground softly as he approaches, chest constricting at the sight before him. in seconds he’s standing next to alex, hand settling on his shoulder somewhat hesitantly as he moves to crouch down in front of him. ❛ alex… ❜ he starts, struggling against a voice that is far too choked. he blinks quickly, trying to clear his eyes of the tears rising in them. ❛ i — i miss them too. ❜

     the sound of the door opening escapes alex’s notice, his attention too focused on the mess of thoughts swirling around in his head, and trying his best to ride out the seemingly endless waves of sobs currently wracking his form. it’s hard to believe that he’s been put in this situation, hard to believe that his two best friends in the world were so cruelly ripped away from the world of the living, unable to be present in their daughter’s life. sometimes, the pain hits alex so hard it makes him sick — when he’s feeding hana or rocking her, playing and laughing with her, and he gets the urge to take a picture and text them to beth and asher, the way he used to when he was merely a babysitter on occasion. before he realizes that he can’t, that no one would be on the other end receiving the text. it makes his chest ache, and even looking at hana, his favorite person in the world, makes him so sad sometimes that it’s hard to breathe, because while he’ll be able to watch her grow up into the wonderful person he knows she’ll become, his two best friends in the world never will. 

     it’s impossible not to notice the gaping hole beth and asher have left in his life, and in all of the lives they touched. it’s impossible not to notice, when they’ve left their daughter in the care of not only alex, but of luca as well. it’s been difficult being around luca for so many reasons, but mostly because of the ache alex still feels when he sees him, when he’s close to him and he’s reminded that he can no longer reach out and touch. and it makes him angry, because he shouldn’t want to touch him, he shouldn’t want anything to do with him, because he hurt him so badly, and yet alex can’t stop remembering. and what’s even worse, is that he no longer has his biggest support system. he can no longer text or call beth when he’s feeling overwhelmed and hurt, can no longer rant and cry on asher’s shoulder, because they’re no longer there. that’s what hurts the worst — the fact that they’re gone, and never coming back. he’ll never see them again, and there’s no room for making new memories with them, good or bad.

LUCA: there was no one better, alex... idk lol. there never really has been. it's way too late for wishing things had been different, but if it means anything i wish they had been too

LUCA: u did deserve the explanation! it wasn't even about whether u would listen or not. i was just... messed up at the time and everything felt useless. i don't have a good excuse :/ i think under any other circumstances i would've been begging u for a second chance, and i typed out messages like that a hundred times, but i always deleted them. they made me feel sick lol

LUCA: i thought you were mine too

LUCA: and i'm being genuine, but u can take ur time

LUCA: look... i'm just gonna skip my next class and come home i think. if that's okay. we don't have to talk more about this today i just don't really wanna be here anymore haha. can't focus

LUCA: i'm glad we talked though. i know it can't fix everything just like that but maybe it's a start to us at least being able to be around each other? i think we needed this, especially now, so...

ALEX: god. okay. all of this is a lot to take in.... i think i need to process everything

ALEX: that's okay. i mean u don't need my permission to come home, it's ur space too. but it's okay

LUCA: i didn't 'go off' with someone else. that guy was a mistake but it meant nothing, less than nothing. i know that sounds cliche but it's the truth. there was never anyone else but u in any way that counted. there's no excuse for what i did but it was always about me, never even came close to being because u weren't good enough. i was being selfish, and stupid... and as awful as it sounds, it had EVERYTHING to do with me being in love with u. i mean... u were always so nice to me? even after we started dating. it was weird. i went a little crazy, i guess, thinking that u didn't want me anymore. i kept thinking, he's too nice to tell u. that's why everything is so awkward now, because he doesn't want u but he can't figure out how to say it.

LUCA: and i just... went to a party one night and got really really stupidly drunk and took some guy who did want me back to my dorm. i can't even remember his name. he told me it like it was funny i didn't know before he kissed me goodbye the day after and all i can remember is seeing u standing there when he walked away?

LUCA: god... u can be angry with me. whether i sit there and take all the little comments or not, ur allowed to be pissed off. i would doubt me if i were u too. but if i'd known u were feeling like this all this time i would've said something sooner. i know u think i'm this horrible person now but i've never wanted u hurting. or anyone. especially you. and i guess i just figured... u were gonna just stay pissed at me forever, i'd already been removed from ur life, there was no point in groveling when i didn't really even want u to forgive me. but that means i never tried to explain it? and if u really have been thinking about it this long, then i'm sorry.

LUCA: i haven't said that to u in a long time. i'll say it until you believe i really am

LUCA: and i'll keep telling you i really loved you and none of it was your fault until you believe that, too, if u want

LUCA: ur right that i don't deserve to have u care about me. i kind of think it's weird if u do. not in a bad way, i'm just... i don't know how to process it. i don't get why either. i don't really believe u don't hate me lol, even if u still care about me too. but that's fine... obviously i never stopped caring about you even when it hurt, but i'm the one who messed it up. it seemed fair that i would keep on thinking about u even once u were out of my life. i mean... u were my best friend. u meant everything to me

LUCA: and i would never have left u. i don't know where u got that impression from. i didn't even mean to give up, or whatever. like, even when i was waiting for u to end it over a fucking text message or something i never thought that maybe i should end it first. i don't know what to say anymore... i don't understand why it even got bad in the first place if u really weren't gearing up to break up with me, but maybe that's another story. idk. i didn't know what i'd done wrong. and i was scared to ask and hear that it was just me not being enough, ha. so maybe i gave up by never asking

ALEX: god. i don't even know what to say. 'i cheated on you bc i was in love with you' sounds like the biggest fucking copout ever, but at the same time i kind of understand. bc i was feeling the same way. i always kind of thought u were just waiting on the right opportunity to leave me bc why would u wanna be with me when u could have someone better? idk. but i hate that u thought that way. i wish you would've just told me. actually, i wish we both would've communicated better. but i guess it's too late for wishing now lmao

ALEX: jfc don't you think i deserved the explanation though? i mean, i might not have listened right away, but you could have at least tried. if you really loved me, the fact that u gave up so easily and just accepted it....... god. and just bc you didn't want me to forgive u or whatever doesn't mean that i didn't deserve an explanation. that was so fucking selfish of u. i mean maybe i should have asked for more of an explanation too instead of drawing my own conclusions but still.

ALEX: ur not as easy to get over as u think you are, luca. i thought you were the love of my life. i feel like some part of me will always grieve the loss of that

ALEX: i don't really know what i believe right now. i think i'm still processing. aka why i'm saying more than i probably should, even if it's all true. i appreciate that though, if you're really being genuine

ALEX: luca. lol have you met me? i'll always care about you. some part of me anyways. i don't know how to stop caring. i really genuinely thought u were the love of my life, and even before that, you were my best friend. i'll always fucking care. which is exactly why i can't hate you, bc i DO care about u. yeah i hate some of the shit that you do, and i fucking hate that you hurt me so badly. but i don't hate YOU as a person. as much as i love to demonize you and make u into the bad guy who broke my heart, i don't really think you're a horrible person. i think it's horrible what u did to me, but i know who you are. you're not a bad person. and knowing all of that pisses me off even more, and only leads to me trying to demonize you more bc i don't WANT to sympathize with you, i don't want to be understanding or see you as a good person when i'm hurting, bc it only hurts that much worse. bc i never felt like i deserved u and i resent u for doing exactly what i was so afraid of

LUCA: i WANT u to believe it and i also want u to believe i never thought u weren't good enough?? are u kidding me??? u were too good for me for a thousand reasons. all i really did was prove that to both of us

LUCA: what am i supposed to do, alex? it's been three years and i know u still hate me for what i did. which is fine in theory lol... in practice it just really sucks on top of everything else. am i supposed to just be nice all the time anyway?

LUCA: i didn't want to leave u at ALL... there was no plan, but u were acting so weird back then! i could TELL it was only a matter of time until u were the one who called it off, no matter what u say today looking back. ur fun, nice, pretty, tall. u were the best person i knew. why would u want to be stuck for three+ more years in a long distance thing with some kid from back home

ALEX: lmao me being too good for u? that's a funny joke.... and a little hard to believe imo. part of me wants to believe you.... but another part of me wants to call bullshit bc i just can't imagine that. i can't imagine you being so in love with me and thinking i'm too good for you and still going off with someone else. i just don't understand it, i never have

ALEX: i don't know. i don't have any answers for u bc i don't even have answers for myself either. if u think it sucks for you, how the hell do you think i feel? do you think it's easy for me looking at you every day and wondering what could've been? thinking back to everything we've been through and every time you ever told me u loved me and wondering what was real and what wasn't? it's fucking horrible. i feel pathetic bc it's been so long and i should be over it by now and i'm so tired of carrying this around but i still can't look at you without aching a little bit and it hurts and it's annoying and it only fuels how fucking angry i am bc what else can i do?

ALEX: and the worst part about all of this is that in all reality, i don't hate you. i don't even hate you for being an asshole back to me even though it pisses me off. i only say it all the time bc i'm just so fucking angry, and i WISH i could hate u bc i'm so angry at you. bc i loved you so much and you hurt me so bad and i cared so much and part of me can't STOP caring and it still hurts to think about it and it pisses me the fuck off bc after all of the pain u put me through u don't DESERVE for me to care at all, any part of me

LUCA: maybe i cared about u once upon a time as a friend???

LUCA: i was so in love with u, i don't even know where to start

LUCA: i messed up and you've always had every right to hate me for it. it was just easier to deal with u hating me when we didn't have to see each other all the time, i guess

LUCA: but please don't say i didn't love you. it's insulting

LUCA: and don't act like i haven't regretted what happened since the day it did. i've never laughed at you, ever. and even if we were going to break up anyway i never wanted it to be like that

ALEX: don't say that...... don't tell me that or i might actually believe it lol and idk what's worse, you never having cared about me at all or u actually having been in love with me and still thinking i wasn't good enough. so just don't

ALEX: also don't even start with the insulting bullshit bc you've been acting almost as much of an asshole to me as i have to u so wtf am i supposed to think

LUCA: ... alex

LUCA: you cant really believe all that

ALEX: and what if i do? i mean who knows maybe u did care about me once upon a time, as a friend, but we somehow went from supposedly wanting to spend the rest of our lives together to hating each other, so forgive me if it all seems a little hard to believe

LUCA: i'm texting u all the time because i just genuinely want to know how the baby is??? not because ur not capable. the proof of life thing was just a JOKE

LUCA: yeah, once or twice... i slept with that guy once or twice. when exactly do u think i was telling u all these other lies?

LUCA: just because u don't believe it doesn't make it not true

ALEX: ok i believe that u genuinely want to know how the baby is and i get that it was a joke but not sure if i believe the other part. but alright

ALEX: lmao you really want to get into this? alright, let's do this. where do i even begin? okay, let's start with the lie that you wanted to go to school with me. obviously not since it didn't happen. you only wanting me? lie. not looking at anyone else but me? lie. you caring about me? lie. never wanting to hurt me? lie. wanting to spend the rest of your life with me? lie. you being in love with me? lie. our entire relationship? a lie. should i continue, or was that good enough for you?