if I donāt have something posted by the end of this weekend, I might actually go clinically insane
$LAYYYTER

Kiana Khansmith

"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
almost home
YOU ARE THE REASON

ā
he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
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@faynthearted
if I donāt have something posted by the end of this weekend, I might actually go clinically insane

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not a photograph, another art study
Dessert Cafe ā¤ļø
By Old Xian
working on something that, dare I say, is diabolical
"May 31st 07:17 p.m. - Shopworn
He Tian glares at the printerās screen.Ā
āLow ink level : Please change cartridgeā it says, though every gauge is nearly full, except for magenta. Heās already looked through the drawers and only found one yellow cartridge left over. He doesnāt need colors anyway so he ignores the warning and presses the PRINT button again. The machine lets out a strident beep and repeats the warning. āLow ink level : Impression quality could be compromised. Do you want to proceed?ā He presses the button again and during a second of silence, he hopes that stupid machine can figure out how to print documents in grayscale using the ink from the very full black cartridge instead of begging for fucking magenta."
Chapter 9 of Little Bit of Lead is here woohoo

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hand studies I loved doing
Rambling rose 2022
in every long and heated argument scene Iāve ever written, I always have to pause and wonder, āhow far is too farā¦ā
controversial but now that things have ended up the way they did, itād kinda be nice for that night to haunt guan shan a little bit. but in a good way that he may or may not be stubborn about accepting. like cāmon, I know thereās some disappointment but itād be a little fun if in future chapters when he tian is pissing him off again and getting up in his space, handsy like always, guan shan hesitates in the middle of telling him off and then thereās just suddenly, like, a single zoomed-in panel of hands interlocked on the mattress. lips on a neck. arms around shoulders. incredibly clichĆ© BUT more importantly, lacking identity!!!
like, sure, there definitely is a striking resemblance between the skin tones of the faceless people in those snapshot panels and he tian/guan shanās skin tones, but you canāt prove anything. technically. theoretically. OX looking censorship straight in the eye and maybe maybe maybe getting away with it? and then cut back to guan shanās flushed face or he tianās knowing smile or maybe if OX really feels like running with this, guan shanās absolute denial or acceptance of that night, no wishy-washy feelings about it. it could potentially be all or nothinā atp because the catās outta the bag now ā at least in my mind, idk
today has felt like a fever dream and I canāt get a good feel on everyoneās impressions of this chapter

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Tomorrow's update will be a continuation of the Tantrum chapter.
I hope He Tian finally explains his disappearance.
tianshan and the push-and-pull dynamic
preemptive disclaimer that this is just how i see the more recent developments. i am always open to discuss or expand on anything :)
I don't know how to word this in a way I can fully convey my thoughts on tianshan's plotline in the future. However, for some time now, I've read people say they don't understand why OX is "recycling" the runner-chaser dynamic. How it feels like Mo Guan Shan is overreacting or being excessively cold towards He Tian upon his return. Shouldn't he more confident in their relationship after everything they've been through and all that He Tian's done for him?
The thing is that (to me) it is precisely because He Tian has been there for Mo in some of the most traumatic times of his life, showing him it is possible for him to rely in others for his own benefit and that intimacy isn't a set-up for pain and then disappearing that makes it so hard for him to trust He Tian again. Itās not so much that Mo doesnāt believe He Tianās words or actions or that he's forgot them, as it is that those very gestures are irremediably tangled with the memory of his disappearance.
Also, neither have had a break since the end middle school.
From Mo's perspective, it's been rug pull after rug pull after thinking he's reached some sense of normalcy. Back in their teenage years, right after Mo admits to himself and He Tian he has feelings for him, he's *fine* with He Tian leaving, because in his mind there's no doubt he'll come back. That... obviously doesn't happen and Mo is left to relive the same trauma of the person you trust most "leaving you behind".
From He Tianās perspective, the ādarknessā of his family is a force he both resents and exploits, a weapon he wields when he must protect others. It is that same familyās expectations that strip him of the chance to live like an ordinary teenager ā carefree with his friends, honest with the guy he loves. And it is that same shadow that feeds directly into Moās fear of abandonment, while also mirroring He Tianās own. We have already seen He Tianās genuine terror at the thought of Mo finding him repulsive, especially after he unleashed his brotherās underlings and Qiu to deal with She Li, letting that inherited darkness take control of him.
...and the utter relief at seeing Mo actually not only being not scared, but also accepting it and cherishing him.
That "darkness" is what also holds him back from being with Mo, while also being the source of wealth he builds up to give Mo what he thinks he needs (and ultimately feeding conflict, as Mo feels his autonomy is being trampled).
The point is... these two's relationship is genuinely built on them seeing each other's at their worst and accepting all these "ugly" aspects, while growing as people. But.. apart from the absolutely adorable slice-of-life moments they had before He Tian's departure, these guys just haven't had a moment to sit down and lay any foundations to their relationship outside of these high-intensity events.
And from what weāve seen, He Tianās tendency to leave is a recurring pattern. Granted, this occurs after the Christmas specials (Mo doesn't work at a grocers anymore) so we don't know if He Tian left for business in amicable terms or just vanished -- yet it's clear that neither have had the balls to be honest with each other. For Mo, it's because he doesn't want to risk being left again after opening up, despite caring a lot about He Tian. That and he's just stubborn and prideful af, love it or hate it, and that always ends up being a setback that hurts him, most of all, and those around him.
As for He Tian⦠the last chapter left us on a frustrating cliffhanger, so weāll have to wait and see. My theory is that his involvement in this new ābusinessā is both a blessing (it allows him to earn his own money and provide for Mo) and a curse, since it keeps him away, forces secrecy, and deepens the distance between them.
Which leads to He Tian relying on abundance and grandiosity as proof of love (material abundance used to be his only stable resource of affection, so he leans on it as shorthand for his devotion to Mo). Which in turn bypasses Mo's hangup regarding social status and pushes yet another point of frustration. Ultimately, He Tian controls the āwhenā and āhowā of the gesture, leaving Mo little room to meet him halfway and hurts his pride (not that He Tian would ever ask him to return the favour).
Whether heās truly autonomous from his family remains unclear. What is clear is that He Tian looks more exhausted and sullen than weāve ever seen him and he can't keep his cool facade for much longer.
So, no. They have grown up, sure, but their relationship feels as though itās only beginning again, because in many ways it is. At least, there is a chance for it to take a more honest path.
If He Tian, now with some awareness of the deep wound he left in Mo (a wound Mo is still too afraid to reopen), can finally be honest about his side of the story, then we might see the first real steps toward something stable.
I agree with all of this, but I just want to add another point that might be low-hanging fruit (but is still the pillar of their relationship). and that point is that this āpush-pullā dynamic is just simply inherent to both of their characters. itās a trait that is built into them, separately, regardless of one another.
and this idea can probably be summed up with a single sentence: guan shan will never automatically accept anything that seems safe or too good to be true, and he tian will never be completely satisfied with anything that he has. guan shan is too much of a skeptic/cynic and he tian is too greedy/ambitious. in a way, guan shan is the literal embodiment of āpushā and he tian of āpull.āĀ
so, yeah, it doesnāt surprise me that nothing has really changed in the adult timeline. it's largely due to the trauma, yes, but it's also just how they are. and quite frankly, I donāt anticipate their dynamic changing much at all ā ever. and maybe Iām in the minority but I donāt consider that a bad thing! in fact, Iād argue this permanent back-and-forth dynamic is necessary for their relationshipās continuity because, like I said, itās literally integral and inherent to their independent personalities. they fill each otherās niches. they subsist on one another.Ā
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sleep talking by indigo de souza is heavily he tian coded
when I get home, Iām gonna love you so well
please get me out, out of the depths of hell
when I get home, Iām gonna sell you my soul
when I get home, when I get home, when I get home
Iāll break your bones with all the love I carry
keep you close and one day weāll get married
Passion š«¦