For My Batfamily Needs

Tim: *looking up from his iPad* ? What do you mean you have a date? I wasn’t aware you were talking to anyone? When did you start talking to them? Who is them?!

Jason: Wow, way to not sound stalkerish Timmers. Going back to your roots I see

Dick: Shut up, both of you. Anyways, Bruce we’re super happy for you! Aren’t we? *glaring at his brothers*

Damian: I do not approve Baba

Bruce: Didn’t expect you to *ruffles Damian’s hair to annoy him*

Tim: But seriously though, who is it?

Bruce: *glancing down at his watch* Oops, looks like I gotta jet. Don’t wait up!

Jason: … but seriously who is it?

- 5 minutes later -

Batboys are hunched over Tim’s computer as they frantically try to dig up information on Bruce’s date

Bruce: *slams front door shut and throws flowers in the fireplace* Love is dead and evil. Cheating bitches should die. I hate everything

Batboys: *blinking in surprise*

Bruce: *stomping up the stairs, yelling* Alfred! Where’s the key for the liquor cabinet?

Dick: So… Dames I heard you recently sharpened your sword?

Damian: *nods enthusiastically* Indeed

Jason: Great! I need some target practice anyways. You coming Tim?

Tim: Yeah one sec I gotta text Cass and Duke, they’ll want a piece of the action *texting furiously on his phone*

Everyone was paid good money to never tell anyone ever, but somehow it got out, then the newspapers got it and everyone is talking about the tragedy.

And Bruce sits there and seethes.

bestie you can’t just hide these in the tags…

Honestly I want to say it was an Outsider who said this, during one of Bryce’s galas, because no Gothamite, however much they dislike Bryce, would say something like that.

While Wayne Enterprises is tearing this company apart, Gotham media is DESTROYING this persons whole career, absolutely finding anything even remotely dirty about this person; nobody can talk shit about Bryce Wayne unless you’re Gotham born and bred.

Hell, you even have Daily Planet journalist Clark Kent writing the most scathing wrathful review of his entire career… bro was pissed when they started talking shit about Bryce and Damian.

Blue, gaudy, and bedazzled.

When he showed up to the manor with it, he made sure to strut in front of Jason and pretend he didn’t care that his little brother was practically fawning over how cool he looked.

The moment Bruce came into the room, Dick was expecting a huge confrontation and a yelling match, like his friends had all said would happen.

Instead, Bruce lit up and smiled at Dick before leaving the room in a hurry.

Jason and Dick exchanged confused glances before Bruce came back holding a picture and beaming proudly.

The picture is of teen Bruce with a whole bunch of piercings, looking like an ethereal vampire. Snake bites that made it look like he had fangs, industrial, lobe, septum, bridge, etc. Just a lot.

The boys are slack-jawed at their Dad looking like that while Bruce is fondly telling him about all the piercings he had and how he wished he had more, but Alfred wouldn’t let him

“I also had a belly piercing. Ollie convinced me to get that one back at boarding school.” Bruce said wistfully, reminiscing about his intense goth era when he didn’t have to worry too much about public perception.

Dick is mortified because for more than half a second he actually thought his Dad was super cool again. Jason is ooh-ing and awe-ing at the picture.

1) ^^^ this is hilarious 😂😂

2) have some more blursed epiphanies from me bc brucie wayne in his 50s would be getting the current hugh jackman treatment:

the y/n fics would be insane

who cares about the bruceman (bruce/batman) allegations when y/n is sold to bruce wayne before becoming his scandalously young girlfriend???

(rip babs for having to sweep through them regularly to make sure there's nothing incriminating cjaksndnddsfkl)

the amount of close ups of middle aged brucie wayne's tits in people magazine's sexiest man alive would be trending on tumblr on-and-off for eternity

damian would never be able to escape his classmates having his father's face as their phones' wallpapers or seeing printed photos of his father's headshot in their lockers

he actually saw one girl mindlessly doodle in her notebook "[her name] x bruce wayne" in a heart with an arrow through it

(it's this moment when damian decides to fuck off for his shounen anime tournament arc bc he's so disgusted. it's even worse than when his peers were crushing on richard!! 🤮🤮🤮)

snippets of bruce being an airhead dad in interviews but now in his old man glasses and grey hair would go viral on tiktok constantly

SPEAKING OF TIKTOK

THE THIRST TRAP EDITS WOULD GO SO HARD LMAO

and the comments would be filled with "why is this so long??? i've been watching for an hour" "are you talking about the video or brucie's [REDACTED]?" "yes"

WE's stocks have been rising among younger investors (a demographic suspiciously filled with heiresses and twinks), plus bruce's publicity/social media presence has never been more positive, which eventually means it's board approved that he continue being a DILF

his first word after Mama and Baba are "dearest" because of how often the name is thrown between his parents

He carries on with this to his kids because of course he does

Dick

"chum" was Thomas' favorite petname so the first son got exclusive rights to this

"my heart" is also thrown around when the family began to grow and everyone orbited around Dick's light

Bruce, during a speech: My heart goes out to all of you...

Dick "my heart" Grayson-Wayne, in the bg: NO THE FUCK I DON'T!

Jason

Jason is "sweet boy" because he was a very sweet and tiny baby, it suits him perfectly

both of their (emotionally dense) hearts soar when the name is used

Bruce: yes this is Jason, my sweet boy, the sweetest boy who ever lived

Jason, 6"7 brickhouse of a man, clad in guns and harnesses: yes, it's me, I am sweet boy 🧍

Tim

"my dearest love" is said in their most needy moments, which is where their relationship first began anyways

Tim also gets variations of "my boy" (besides sweet)

because that's Thomas' way of address Bruce too

Cass

she gets a monopoly on all the girly names because as is her right as the only daughter of the Waynes

any variation of "(my) girl" is her absolute favorite

my darling girl, my brave girl, sweet girl, my dear girl

Cass "girl, not a weapon" Wayne: yes 🥺 that's me 🥺🥺 my dad's girl 🥺🥺🥺

Damian

Bruce makes a point to speak Arabic to Damian out of respect to his heritage, so the word "my heart" comes in both tongues

but in the more vulnerable moments, Damian is "my darling boy"

it was also Martha's nickname to baby Bruce, so Alfred says

The kids know the stories behind the names so they get very protective of them.

They're not allowed to take each other's petnames, nor let others have them, even names close to their own. There was a whole family court drama over the legalities of variations of "my boy" and it ended in blood and terror

There is a natural order of things in the family

Bruce doesn't get the memo

So when Bruce starts dating Hal and pours all of his petnames onto him, the kids are all but a little disgruntled that said natural order is wrecked by an overly sweet prospect stepdad

.

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Bruce, staring lovingly at Hal sparring: Look at my man go!

Tim, "my boy", Drake, aiming a sniper rifle: girl, I'm trying

.

.

(BruHal in bed, cuddling)

Bruce: My love? ❤️

Hal: Yes, baby?

Damian "little love" Wayne, from beneath the bed: I beg your fucking pardon? My father deserves better names than that, especially as a response to a name like my own!

Hal, grabbing a broom: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT ENTERING FROM THE UNDERBED LATCH! GIT!

.

.

Hal: Looking cute, baby doll

Bruce: (blushing)

Cass, staring at Hal:

Hal:

Cass "baby girl" Wayne:

Hal: Oh come on!

.

.

Hal, from the other foom: Hey sweetness, can I get you for a second?

Bruce: [doesn't reply immediately]

[Jason "sweet boy" Todd-sounding footsteps follow heavily and quickly]

Bruce:

Bruce: [starts speedrunning to save Hal's life]

.

.

(breakfast table at Wayne manor)

Hal, half awake and vulnerable: Hey, sweetheart, can you pass the eggs please?

Dick "my heart" Grayson: [hands him poisoned eggs]

Bruce: [sighs and takes the poisoned eggs, giving it to Alfred for disposal]

Alfred, strict, disapproving military dad: [still hands it over to Hal]

Bruce: WHAT IS WITH YOU PEOPLE-

.

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(on Bruce's bed)

Bruce, sighing: You kids know that petnames aren't an intellectual property

Dick, snuggled on top of Bruce: He already has "spooky"...

Jason, curled by the foot of Bruce's bed: ...that is close to "pookie" which is Steph's favorite name. hey, she says to set up an arbitration court again for that, by the way

Tim, hooked under Bruce's arm: good idea. how does Friday 2 pm work for everyone?

[Damian and Cass nod from sharing Bruce's other arm]

Bruce: sorry about this, Hal

Hal, sitting on the platonic-cuck chair: you're not who owes me the apology, baby

.

.

.

the court of wayne family arbitration (yes, it's a real thing, Bruce, you're just permanently banned due to contempt) has since granted Hal the exclusive rights to "dearest" and "darling", and "my love" is allowed on account that Damian has a hegemony on all Arabic petnames

there was real paperwork

Jason who gets resurrected in the Lazarus Pit and suffers from selective mutism because who wouldn't after being blown up in abandoned warehouse in Ethiopia by a clown and then resurrected in essentially Green Goop Bug Juice. Damian, who doesn't know the term selective mutism, and believes he is incapable of speaking. He just sees this mammoth of a man stumble nakedly out the Pit and he asks Mother if he can keep him and she's like ok whatever I don't care, just feed him. Damian's thinking sweet I'm not an only child anymore, I can get up to more shit and Jason is forced to communicate through grunting/mumbling/sighing because he's still mentally processing the trauma from dying and being brought back to life.

It gets to the point where Damian can comprehend what Jason is saying by the way he grunts. Like one grunt is yes, two grunts is no. Eventually, it becomes more elaborate like *grunts* yes, I know that we were suppose to kill the man that betrayed Ra Al Ghul but he had American candy in his bag so maybe we can chalk this up to a misunderstanding.

Damian: Pass me the salt, Akhi.

Jason: *grunts*

Damian: I am aware that this meal is seasoned perfectly but too much salt never killed anyone.

Jason: *grunts pointedly*

Damian: It is not my fault that your aunt passed away from excessive sodium intake. She should have known better.

Ra al Ghul: * staring ahead, eyes wide*

Jason: *grunts*

Damian: *slamming the salt shaker down* Fine-Have it your way. I will simply suffer in silence as you do.

Ra al Ghul: What the fuck.

Talia al Ghul met Jason when he was Robin and is aware that he is completely able to speak but like her Father, it slipped her mind to tell her son that Jason isn’t mute, he’s just coping. Matter-of-fact, she is so use to the fuckery that happens in the League that she doesn’t pay attention to how her sons communicate until one day in training. It doesn’t help that Damian misses the point nearly every time because he’s mainly relieved he has an older brother.

Damian: *swishing his katana* Did the first Robin even wield a sword? Think how amazed the people of Gotham will be once I arrive and bring diversity.

Jason: *mumbling*

Damian: I know that I will be wearing a mask. Do you think my sword wears one as well?

Jason: *sighs and looks away*

Damian: What do you mean by swords are ‘ so last year’?

Jason: *shrugging*

Talia al Ghul: *look of confusion on her face*

Damian: How many sword-wielding individuals plague Father’s city?

Talia al Ghul: Damian…Why do you not simply ask him to speak? Or ask him to attempt?

Jason: *snorting*

Damian: Mother, it is very insensitive for you to question Akhi’s disability. He cannot help how he is.

Talia al Ghul: He can speak. I have heard him speak. He is capable of it. Your Father said that he was on the debate team in school. I knew Jason when he was under his tutelage.

Jason: *grunts*

Damian: Yes, Akhi. How very nice of American schools to include students from all backgrounds. I am glad they are more accepting than Mother.

Talia al Ghul: ????

Jason, through several months of engaging with the Al Ghuls and processing trauma, begins to speak randomly as he has grown comfortable especially his little brother.

Damian: *grimacing* He stabbed me. It should only take a few stitches. Are you injured, Akhi?

Jason: No. They didn’t get close enough. Hand me the suture scissors, lemme help.

Damian: *passing them to Jason* Here you-

*Both boys stare at each other*

Damian: *flabbergasted* You can speak? Since when?

Jason: Since I was fucking 2?

Damian: Why did you not say? We have spent months communicating through *gestures wildly* I don’t know! Grunting and groaning!

Jason: Are you fucking kidding me-What did you think selective mutism was?

Damian: Why did you not write it down! You can write, surely?

Jason: Oh my God-Talia, do you hear this? What'd you think was wrong with me?

Talia al Ghul: Please do not involve me. I attempted to tell your brother. On several occasions.

Damian: I assumed you were special needs. It was not until Mother told me that just because you were traumatized, it did not mean that I had to treat you like you were mentally incapacitated.

Jason: *cackling so hard that he drops his katana on his foot, piercing clean through his boot*

Jason: Ah-Shit.

Damian: *snickering*

Talia al Ghul: Find your brother, I wish to speak to the both of you before your departure to Gotham tomorrow.

Damian: Yes, Mother. I will be back in a moment.

*He hurries down the corridor, reaching Jason’s quarters. Damian pauses, peeking behind the door, staring at his older brother*

Jason: *facing his mirror* Yeah-You’re a badass. A fucking badass. You’re gonna walk in and just start demanding what you want. My way or no way.

Damian: *eyebrows furrowed, whispering* what the actual fuck.

Jason: *scratches his head* No. I’m gonna walk up to Bruce and I’mma look him in the eye. *points at the mirror* And-AND I’mma say ‘ Look bitch-I’m doing what you won’t do. I’m taking them out.’

Damian: ???

Jason: *pulling out a pistol, cocking it and raising it to his reflection* Damn-I look good. Can’t believe B had me stuffed in textured fabric for this long. Repressing me. *he turns to the side* I got an ASS. Dick’s gonna lose his shit.

Damian: *attempting to hold back his laughter*

Jason: *holsters his weapon, running his hands through his hair* You got this. No need to be nervous. Crime Alley is yours. Just gotta drop off the kid, kill a bunch of people, and fuck with B a bit.

Jason: * finally notices Damian in the mirror* Hey-HEY. YOU DAMN NEMATODE. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU TO STOP SPYING ON PEOPLE? IT’S FUCKING RUDE.

Damian: *grinning* But I would have missed your inspiring pep-talk.

Jason: *whirls around, shooting at his brother* I’LL FUCKING END YOU-

Damian: *running away* MOTHER. MOTHER, JASON IS TRYING TO MURDER ME. GUARDS-PROTECT THE HEIR.

Jason: *chasing after him* COME ‘ERE, GREMLIN. I’LL FUCKING DROP KICK YOU IN GOTHAM HARBOR.

Ra al Ghul: *standing tiredly in the corridor* Remind me-When do my grandchildren depart?

One of his Guards: In approximately 11 hours, my Lord.

*sounds of screaming and glass breaking echo*

Talia al Ghul: *in the distance* UNHAND YOUR BROTHER, JASON. THIS IS UNBECOMING BEHAVIOR OF AN HEIR. DO NOT BITE. DO NOT JUST STAND THERE-HELP ME.

Part 1

—

Dick is talking to Jason and Damian

Dick: So then, Koriand’r told me that Wally had said…

Damian takes out a dog training clicker and clicks it.

Dick: At that point, Raven came in, and Kori was like, thank goodness, someone who’ll be on my side…

Damian clicks the dog training clicker again, and Dick keeps talking.

Damian, interrupting Dick: Jason, this isn’t working.

Jason, who was only half paying attention: What?

Damian: The dog clicker. It’s not working.

Dick: Why do you have that?

Damian: Jason told me that Father trained you to stop talking when it was clicked.

Dick, narrowing his eyes: Jason did what?

Jason, equally confused: When did I say that?

Damian: It was with the League. Ra’s got mad at you because you wouldn’t stop talking to me during my lessons, and later you told me that you were glad he didn’t know about the clicker. I asked what the clicker was, and you said that Father used one to train Richard to stop talking, and later did the same with you.

Jason, laughing: I did say that, didn’t I?

Dick, face-palming: Not again. Damian, Jason lied. Bruce never—

Damian clicks the clicker again, causing Dick to pause.

Damian: Look, Richard. It’s working now.

Dick: It’s not working, I was just surpri—

Damian, after clicking it and causing Dick to go silent again: You are amazingly easy to train, Richard.

Jason, cackling: Oh my God, I didn’t think it would actually work when I came up with that.

Dick: No. This isn’t working. I just don’t get why he keeps using it!

Damian: Hm. I will have to continue testing it. For science.

Dick: No one is training anyone to stop speaking.

Jason: No, of course not.

Jason, whispering to Damian: How long do you think until you can train him?

Damian, whispering back: Anywhere between two weeks and four months.

Dick: Wait, does this mean you thought Bruce was training us like dogs?

Damian: Of course. Why else do you think I have been so well-behaved? I didn’t want to experience the clicker or the shock collar.

Dick: THE SHOCK COLLAR? JASON??

Jason, laughing again: Forgot I said that, too.

Damian, not seeing Bruce walking in behind him: So Father will not put a shock collar on me if I fail to listen?

Jason, seeing Bruce, smiling: Well, there’s no guarantee.

Bruce: WHAT?

—

The idea is to push at their dad's physical limits (Damian calls it "training the Batman to be able to support his allies' weight in times of necessity" while everyone else just calls it "playing with our dad until he taps out and admits he can't handle how big we've gotten")

It's an awful game — on Bruce's part, mostly. Most of the children are taller or heavier than him. He's too old to be lugging around so much weight up and down the stairs. And most importantly: it looks silly

But it is rewarding to hear them teal with laughter — if only for a moment, his children are as young and innocent as his heart wants them to be

So no, he will keep playing along, even if people sometimes look at him like he's insane

.

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Bruce: Alfred, have you seen my eldest children?

Alfred, looking at Cass and Dick currently latched on Bruce's legs: Well don't look at me, sir. They're your children. You should really take care of where you put them down

Bruce: They're big people! Where could they possibly have gone?

[starts to waddle away while Cass and Dick snicker, still clutching on his legs]

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Bruce: Where are my robins?

Clark, about to point at the very obvious robin-shaped lumps under his cape: Batman, you do know-

Bruce: I lend my robins to you for one mission. One, Kal. The idea of borrowing is that there should be a promise of return.

[Tim sneezes. Damian stars violently shushing him. Bruce is still running the game]

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Diana, fondly: You really need to just throw down the towel. This game is going on for too long to be cute

Bruce:

Bruce, earnestly: It's... not just a game, Diana.

Bruce: They're all growing up so fast. They're all so wonderful and I'm so proud of them, of course, but it breaks my heart to see how big they've gotten. I just want to still be able to carry them around, even if I know they're trying to annoy me into tapping out. I want to show that no matter how big they get, they'll always be my babies and I'll carry them whenever and however they need me to

Diana, smiling: Of course, my friend

Bruce: Good

First of all, not only is he incredibly apprehensive about cinemas, he’d also be way too busy with Batman and single mom-ing to stay in the cinematic pop culture loop?

I wanna see Bruce who only ever watches recorded Gray Ghost tapes. Name any movie post 2001. He hasn’t watched one.

When the Batkids enter the picture, they hold a contest on who can inflict the hardest psychological damage. Tim tries hooking him on Mean Girls but Bruce is too scared of Regina.

Steph: Okay so, it’s her wedding day and she strategically invites all three of her mother’s exes to find out who her biological father is, but! They all just end up adopting her instead!

Bruce: [Quiet but excited clapping]

Hand holding, polishing his messy cheeks after he stole dessert from the kitchen, words of affirmation, teaching him how to build confidence brick by brick. “No one is made to be insignificant.”

Thomas who’s bright and loud and bigger than big, who’s just pride embodied. Showing Bruce off at every opportunity. His love is savage by nature.

Squishing Bruce’s face and throwing him around and aggressively kissing him all over his face. Maybe biting into the chub of his cheeks a little. Bruce is like his extra limb.

And Alfred? From the second Bruce took his first breath, he knew. He knew Gotham would drown him in shadow because the little pearl was just too perfect. But he’ll be there.

At most, Steph, who likes to think she’s fluent in Jason, — or Batboys with repressed emotions, at least, — anticipated the following:

Angry shouting, maybe some swear words God definetly didn’t approve of, trying to fist fight Alfred’s plants, painting the Batmobile pink, and the works.

She definitely didn’t expect a ruby cheeked Jason to cry in Bruce’s lap.

“What the fuck are we gonna do if we don’t know eachother in the next life, huh?!”

Tim piped up with an a nerdy rant, — technically, if life were to reinvent itself into another existence, it’d simply be an alternative universe being created, — but Jason simply throws his shoe at him.

Bruce, much to Damian’s pride, doesn’t look shaken in the slightest. If he can handle his mother, he can handle everything,

“Sweetheart, I really think that’s not going to happen, thought,” he assures him with gentle conviction.

“But we’re not gonna know eachother! What the FUCK. I want to be your son in every life. I’m gonna kill God.”

“Please don’t kill God.”

“We’re Jewish, what do we care?!”

“Jay,” Bruce promised, “I would find you in every universe.”

That was supposed to make Jason feel better, not make him cry harder. But it’s cute Bruce tried, Dick thinks.

The image of Pa Kent worrying this smoking hot extraterrestrial DILF is gonna steal his wife is so funny to me. His baby IS adorable, thought, so he can stay.

Jor-El is actually courting BOTH him and Martha.

Is this an elaborate scheme so I can get Bruce being cornered by a big ass Kryptonian father who’s adamant he completes their courting rituals?

Perhaps.

Jor-El is tall like a mountain and calm like a river, pinning Bruce down with a hard stare as he explains the process in their own language. Which Bruce WILL study and learn if he wants a shot.

Clark sighs, “He says the suitor can pick any activity they please as long as the rules are fair. If they fail to win, the parent can,— dad, I’m not translating that.”

He doesn’t need to. Bruce learned Kryptonian since the first day they met. Jor-El’s torture methods are definetly creative. “Hn.”

He knows what he has to do.

—

“…Did you just win Clark in a game of poker?”

Bruce shrugs, hoarding the winning tokens while Jor-El rages. “I also won an apple pie.”

It takes a lot to make hope look so deadly.

Bruce reviews recordings of his patrol for any mission details, and everytime he walks up to anyone, even civilians, they seem terrified!

“Alfred, their eyes bulge out of their sockets, their breaths escalates, and according to my vital scanner, their body temperature is triggered to abnormal levels. How can I make them not scared of me?”

Alfred is taking an alarming amount of Advil with his coffee. “I have plenty of solutions, sir.”

“Not lethal or illegal, right?”

Silence.

Anyone could tell you that blindfolded. Sure, Two Face is the only rogue who gets to exclusive rides to Arkham, benefits from a psychiatrist handpicked by the bat, has his own wing (with a big ass TV and personal shower) — but other than that?

Enemies.

Here’s where it gets complicated: