Today, Guy, my son’s best friends lost his father. How is he taking it? He says he’s doing as best he can. How is my son Ben? He is sullen and retrospective and doesn't know what to say to his friend. He doesn't know what to say to me. Ben lost his dad when he was two: Too young to remember and too young to mourn.
For Ben his dad has always been this mysterious guy that is talked about but noone he . He views images from photos and video and he’s read letters from his dad to me. So he has an idea of the kind of man his dad was and how much his dad loved him. I have learned to hide my tears when discussing our lost. I talk about his dad and their similarities and try to keep his memory alive. He has had his friends' fathers.
His friend Cody’s mother abandoned the family when Cody was nine. To fill that void, I worked with his dad to give Cody female structure and Cody’s dad, Gary, filled the male void for Ben. It worked out really well. I took the boys shopping for school clothes, tended to scrapes, helped them with their homework and made sure that they had balanced meals. Gary, took the boys to ball games and hunting, showed up at school for after-school sports, disciplined them and talked to them about their bodies and girls. The news wasn’t good. There was no crime. No trauma. Guy’s father was at peace.
His friends’ fathers and my brothers have always been there to give him advice.
The boys played in our backyards under our watchful eyes: Having sleepovers in sleeping bags under trampolines and on rainy nights, pitching tents. When my job led to moving away, Cody took it hard and the boys communicated via letter.
Ben became a teenager and met new friends. Some had fathers who were present in their lives and others were estranged from their dads, meaning their father’s had no active roles in their lives. This time I didn’t have to make a pact with the dads. The fathers that were there were members of two parent households and had their stuff together. Ben once again had positive male role models.
A couple of years ago, one of his best friend Pete’s dad died. His father was traveling on business abroad. The family was devastated and 3 young boys were left without a father. Ben was shaken and hurt and angry. I remember him saying “I just need to be with my friend.” He explained, “I’m the only one of my friends who knows what it feels like to not have a dad.” Pete’s family was in turmoil. They were a patriarchal family, where the mother worked at leisure, while the boys were in school and dad’s work kept them in a high middle income bracket. Pete’s dad handled all the financial matters and his mom wasn’t emotionally or mentally prepared to handle the impact of the lost. Who would be?
Fast forward …. today. His best friend Guy’s father died. The group of tight-knit boys spend most summer holidays with Guy’s family on the lake. At Memorial Day, they drive the 250 miles to the lake house to open it for the summer. They visit sporadically during the season and go back for one last hoorah at Labor Day. This year, Guy’s dad went early. He wanted to take a break from the normal stress of marriage and have peace before the crew of rowdy teenage boys, on the verge of manhood, came and broke the tranquility of the lake. He hadn’t checked in. The family called and had a neighbor on the lake check the house.
Guy’s friends are shaken. They are talking to each other but texting Guy. The boys are all afraid and sad and don’t even realize it. They don’t know what to say. They don’t know what to do. They are shrinking away. And they don’t know yet, that they too have again lost a father; that their friends’ fathers have an impact. They don’t realize that this man that they spend summer holidays with at the lake and weekends watching movies and just hanging out with at home has impacted them and that their hearts are breaking too.
Guy’s family is driving to the lake house 48 hours earlier than planned. This Memorial Day weekend will have a different meaning. They will miss the father they know and change the celebration at the lake house not just this weekend but for Memorial Days to come.
