Side Blog

It feels like my soul is dying by inches. Because they are still in my life, but only barely, and all I can think about is how hurt they are and how much it's my fault. I feel as though my heart has been draped in heavy chains and the weight of all that guilt and hurt is slowly crushing the life out of me.

There is no recourse for this. I can and will become a person that will make sure this doesn't happen again, but it won't matter. This is something they either forgive me for, or it isn't. We either mend the bond and the healing starts, or we break the bond and go our separate ways. And I get no say in it.

Truth be told, I dread something far worse than them deciding to leave me. I dread them deciding to stay despite the hurt, and are incapable of healing. That I become a better person, improve myself beyond what I am, and they still can't forgive me. Because then I have to end it, and break their heart all over again. No one deserves an unhappy relationship, and if they can't ever be happy with me again, even if I do work on myself, then we can't be together. It means despite the rebuilding I've done, I can never be enough.

I'll be angry then. Justifiably so, I think. Everyone is capable of redemption, and if forgiveness is impossible, don't pretend it is.

In your embrace

I know what you once felt

But it's cloudy now

We dance at my offer

By my heart belongs to another

Can I share it? Do I have the right?

Can a heart belong to two?

I know if I offer you'll accept.

And that's the worst part

The choice is all mine

But I don't want to make it

I like the way we three dance

Arms length for now

Not quite three partners

But two and a third.

Does it hurt you? The distance.

Within reach but not held tight?

I know you want more

I can see it in your eyes.

The question is

Will you mind the gap

To keep what you have?

Or risk it all to jump

And fall.

Please don't jump.

Eventually, our third calms down enough that I can walk them home to their roommates (v awkward interaction) and then run home to check on my partner who is still locked in the bathroom.

Eventually my partner calms down and comes out feeling better, and they text our third to apologize. The two patch things up (I think), but now our third wants to 'have a talk about boundaries' and it's like, I am just so emotionally drained.

Like, obviously they have every right to ask to talk if things aren't going well, but the fact that this all got kicked off by a conversation about working out is ludicrous. I can't help but feeling like if I were one of them in that conversation it would have gone differently. Tbh I still feel bad for not jumping in and stopping things before they got to heated.

Anyway, have to have a 'talk' tomorrow, so looking forward to that. I'm just super nervous that things will go poorly and I'll be pulled in opposite directions. One of the two is a very close friend and the other is my partner of over a year so keeping the balance between these two is gonna be essentially for my mental health for the next month or so.

So my partner and I have been having sex with a third person for a month or so, which has been great fun because they're a good person, and I thought the three of ua were getting along great.

Well, turns out being with them sexually has been triggering a bunch of anxiety and disphoria in my partner, but they've been hiding it from me because they know I've been enjoying things.

On valentine's, they came clean about everything, and I was honestly very shocked and hurt. I had to tell the third that we needed to take a break.l, which really sucks because I had grown quite attached to them.

My partner and I haven't had sex since, and I recently found out our third is sleeping with their ex, and I miss what I had, but deep down I know I never had it because it was built on a lie.