Fantasy Fantasy Sports

Today as quidditch turned 10 and those around the sport turned to Facebook to celebrate we caught up with Brent Thornsdale in his New York apartment to reflect on his favorite moments from the sports colorful history.

“I remember when quidditch first took off. I mean really took flight, haha get it?” Brent began. “We played all day on the Common, we wore capes back then. Remember capes? Beaters could hold multiple balls too it was-- it was something else...”

As Brent trailed off he looked around the unkempt room and let out a long sigh. But then he perked up once more. “Remember World Cup 2? Ooooh, and World Cup 4? God and Randall’s Island. We got so wasted! I still can’t believe that crowd roaring in the stands at the end. It was like we had finally made it. And the romances, how could I forget the quidcest!”

Brent cast a solemn glance at his feet which had carried thousands of naïve quaffles down the pitch to glory.

Today we caught up with that guy on your team who is always asking for more playtime to hear his take on the upcoming WC8.

FFS: What do you think your teams chances are at winning this year?

"We aren't Texas. But I think we're going to surprise some people out of our region who haven't seen us play. We've all been working really hard. I think if we get the beating, seeking, and quaffle game down we'll really have a chance this year."

FFS: And how do you feel about your game personally?

"If I can just get some more time on the field I think I can really prove I'm an elite player. I'm always giving it my all from the sidelines. I'm jumping, grunting and yelling until my voice is hoarse. If I could just get in I think I could change things, y'know?"

FFS:Sure. So, anything to say to your teammates?

"Just give me a minute on the snitch. Please? I'll tire him out at the very least. I might even catch him. C'mon! I haven't been in all game. Imagine if this is my last World Cup and I don't get to play in our last game. Please Sarah, tell Jack to put me in."

FFS: Thank you for your time, we wish you all the best of luck!

"Thanks guys, any chance you could mention the Midwest in this article?"

Sorry we haven't posted in a while. There hasn't been any quidditch news or drama since our last post, as the quidditch community entered an unprecedented era of zen totally devoid of infighting or controversy. 

With the community finally at peace we here at FFS didn't want to poke the bear or grasp at straws on a slow news day like some other quidditch news sites. *Cough wink*  

But with the big tournament coming up-- you know the one--  the one in the central location so it's easy for all the teams to get there-- well with that one  coming up our reporters are back on the case. Ready to bring you the hard hitting "journalism" you know and love. 

And with our return we'd first like to address what you're all thinking. Yes, I am Mitch Cavender. We are all him. Every region. From the concussion inducing Southwest, to the nagging "talk-about-us" of the South. From the Maryland of the Mid-Atlantic, to the "just imagine how good we'd be if we could practice in winter" of the Northeast. From the team sundering shortcomings of the West, to the "what teams are in the Northwest?" of the Northwest. We are all Cavender. 

So when the community is hungry for delicious trustworthy reporting, we'll be the Ca-vendor who dishes out piping hot bowls of journalistic integrity. You can count on it. Forever.

Last weekend, the Southwest was up in arms about their frigid temperature conditions in Oklahoma. Reports say that the weather got as low as 56 degrees during their Regional competition, bone chilling for most people in the SW.

"God, it's just so cold." The chorus of well-respected players echoed, "How are we supposed to do anything right now?"

And...

Wait, you're telling me this ISN'T a parody article?

Today, former Team USA chaser Lawrence Lazewski became the first open supporter of the band Nickelback in the IQA. Having come out to his parents in the fall, Lazewski felt it was time to officially tell the world what many close to him already knew: he does in fact rock out to Chad Kroeger. It will be interesting to see his team's reaction to this news, and if they will still feel comfortable letting him handle their brooms and balls at practice. One of his former USA teammates, who insisted on anonymity, said "It definitely makes sense now. The entire time we were in London we felt something was strange, almost like a chemical imbalance, but we just blamed it on the dreary weather. I guess it should have been pretty obvious it was some weird hormones of his being stirred up by that 'band'."

The big question now is how the IQA will deal with this news, and what it means for Nickelback supporters out there still in the closet. As one of the most tolerant organizations in America, one would think this wouldn't be an issue, but it has come to light that Benepe has a personal vendetta against the band, ever since as a young boy working for his father, Kroeger refused to sign his cane after a show in Central Park. Either way, this is a monumental day for the sport, and should lead to some good butthurt in the forums tonight.

Recently, the IQA released its first batch of WCVII preview articles, and with them, came a first for the quidditch community. Amazingly, a player neither outspoken on the forums, nor globally recognized, was actually talked about by name.

Move over Dan Daugherty, because Hisham Abad, out of the University of Toledo Firebolts, is the new chaser phenom everyone will be talking about this spring. Armed with a passing game described as "adept" and a shot titled as "fast", the IQA seems to really be building this kid up with some powerful adjectives.

When asked for a comment as to why the IQA changed its policy, editor Amanda Dallas replied "I had nothing to do with this, and I want everyone to know that. If I had my way, these articles would be nothing but Dugie, Yada, and Goh." Dallas continued "This writer was immediately terminated, as there is no room for that kind of writing at such a prestigious organization as ours."

Abad himself is thrilled, and has already been reported as setting up interviews with the Lost Boys and Lonestar QC about potentially joining those teams next year, even though he is still only a freshman.

There's some incredibly sad news coming out of Philadelphia today as rumors say that beloved Qudditch analyst, Jack the Phan, has moved on from the community.

Two years ago, Jack burst onto the scene as a spunky middle-schooler writing about the sport that he had fallen in love with. This year, with his popularity at an all-time high, Jack's blog and insights captivated the IQA and their fans.

However, something about today was different. Today, Jack woke up, brushed his teeth and headed to school, just as he always had. That's when he saw her: a girl.

Our news reports couldn't get any physical qualities, in fact, we couldn't even get her name. But, she was a girl and Jack was in love. We managed to reach the once-golden child of the IQA for comment:

"I don't know." Jack said, unbuttoning the top two buttons on his new flannel, "I guess I never really saw girls before today. I always just saw the Holubs and Gohs as chess pieces in the intricate game of Quidditch."

All good things must come to an end and Jack's ascent into adulthood is no different. In his hands, we noticed a flyer for the school's Spring Fling dance.

"At this point, I'm behind. There's so much I need to study and analyze. You know? What they wear, what they like, who the popular girls are so I can endlessly hype them up in my mind. It's a lot like Quidditch, if you think about it, but they have boobs, I guess."

Jack's blog has disappeared and been replaced by a Tumblr full of reblogs of Paris and cups of coffee. 

"I'm branching out, becoming diverse," he said, "for so long, all I could see was Qudditch. I can see the light now and life has never been better."

This week Mudbloods “a.k.a. Half-letes” were banned from the sport by the IQA who stated that the game is too dangerous for anyone not of pure blood. Their statement read:

"Quidditch used to be for everyone, capes, novelty goggles, and silly lion hats. But something has fundamentally shifted, half the players can tell me Hermione’s cats birthday, and half the players have six-pack abs and got laid in high school. Something has got to give."

One player huddled in a blanket, still in shock, said “I watched a girls collarbone get shattered in to 19 pieces this weekend. You tell me if this sport's for everyone now.”

Having been recently cast as a competitor on SyFy's new reality series Opposite Worlds, Lost Boys seeker Steve DiCarlo has unabashedly mentioned quidditch every chance he gets. Beyond discussing how the sport's physicality and strategic elements give him a leg up on his mere mortal competitors, DiCarlo has been seen photobombing other contestants' interviews with a broom between his legs, and even ripped off one of his competitors' socks and ran around the house with it screaming and looking for a high five.

Ever the shrewd marketing organization, the IQA has immediately piggybacked off this chance at some exposure, naming SyFy the official corporate sponsor for next year's World Cup, and is currently in negotiations to hold it in Roswell, New Mexico, despite the fact that there are no actual fields there. Even better, the IQA has given free VIP fan packages to the show's twelve competitors for the upcoming Cup. That's right folks, even if they don't win the show, they will still get to sit in the 'restricted' section at all your world cup games, and get to cut the line at Benepe's Belgian Waffle tent whenever they like. Man, the rich just get richer, don't they.

Despite the surge in popularity of the sport itself, DiCarlo has seen his stock plummet since his entrance in the game, according to SyFy's official Twitter popularity contest. It seems many Harry Potter fans are turned off by Steve's chiseled body and apparent gang tattoo on his chest, and don't feel he fits the mold of what a real Harry Potter nerd should look like. Many have taken to twitter to let their feelings be heard, and we warn you, some of these are unpleasant:

Over at the Quiyk camp, things had been running smoothly for their new, hypothetical fantasy draft. Two rounds in and everything was going perfectly to plan, but that's when disaster struck.

GM Evan Bell was disqualified from the remainder of the draft today when he accidentally selected a player that wasn't from the Southwestern or Western Regions. Across the globe, jaws collectively dropped as Boston University's name popped up on their screens.

"Is there another Boston? Like, in Oregon? Do they like shitty indie music too?"

Alas, there was not. We caught up with Bell, still in a state of shock, not long after the misstep. 

"I don't know what I was thinking, really." he said, wiping away tears from his cheeks. "I guess my first mistake was thinking that there were any players in the IQA worth drafting from another region."

Bell, the current coach of the Santa Barbara Blacktips, hung his head before continuing:

"I know I let everybody down though. I just got caught up in the moment, you know? Everybody dreams sometimes..."

With the Coffee Cup (sponsored by Dunkin Donuts, and that fantasy television show with nudity) just around the corner, we here at FFS are calling out some players to watch, and what you should expect to see from the talent packed tournament tomorrow.

Players to Watch:

Noah Schwartz: 

Noah made his mark at the Big Snow Bowl Tournament last month, but you can see it in his eyes, it wasn’t enough for the Tuft’s rookie to be feared, now he also wants to be loved. Inside sources say he’s been training for weeks with upwards of 50 encouraging head nods a game, and 200 handshakes a day. He follows this brutal warmup with as many as 300 consecutive hi-fives in a regiment more insane than Insanity, and we have heard, but cannot yet confirm, that he’ll be throwing some hugs in to the mix tomorrow, so keep an eye out for that because we haven’t seen anything like this in the sport for a while.

Ricky Nelson:

Since the removal of capes, there’s been a lot of pressure in the game to get zanier than the other guy. It’s like a bunch of peacocks going at it, and if you’re the most colorful, you could find sweet sweet quidditch love at Coffee Cup. For that reason, we know we’ll be seeing rainbow zebra socks, pink or blue dyed hair and the occasional subtle television reference shirt tomorrow. For these reasons we know that we can expect a lot from Maryland’s Ricky Nelson tomorrow, because he’s got a lot to prove. Coming off an impressive season including a breakout sunglasses play-- you can expect a shirt, shoes, and potentially even a hat from Nelson tomorrow.

Meredith Taylor:

The quidditch community was rocked last Wednesday by the creation of yet another blog, created by an unknown player of a mid-level team. 

“He has all the same opinions I do,” said a prolific facebook poster. “He must be good.”

Indeed, this new blog has many popular posts, such as “The West is the Best” and “Half of the Team USA should be Lost Boys.”

“I just go onto the forums and paraphrase opinions,” the blog runner admitted. “I’ve never even seen half these players play.”

After a team trip to Las Vegas for Vince Young's birthday party, Texas Quidditch Club's weekend ended in heartbreak when they were forcefully turned away by a perplexed security guard. The bouncer's confusion was nothing compared to that of Keeper Augustine Monroe, however, after stepping up and offering to sign his broom in return for entrance to the party.

"I told him 'You might not recognize me without my mullet, but I promise you, I am THE Augie Monroe.  This is not a joke'." When the guards expression remained blank, Monroe continued "What do you mean I can't get in here? We're BOTH National Champions!".

Many of us have been there. You’re at Thanksgiving dinner, and someone at the table asks how school is going, or a potential employer asks if you’re a part of any organizations, or you’re on that first date and they ask you if you have any hobbies.You’re itching to talk about it. Here’s our guide on how to have “the talk.”

Step 1: Pretend it’s the Dark Lord and don’t bring it up aloud, dweeb.

The Northeast hit record highs as a solar vortex moved through the area this week. We found two players poolside enjoying the weather after their daily practice and asked how the sun was effecting their teams training.

The IQA Summit met in an emergency session last week in an effort to end the debate regarding sexism in the community. 

It looked as though the committee would be unable to reach a partisan decision on day one as tempers flared and discussion was brought to a halt on numerous occasions by diplomats blurting out “lol,” “ur just butthurt,” and “grabs popcorn.”

And day two was just as slow with a lengthy filibuster and a tangent by one Australian player who sidetracked the committee by asking “Why is it called the World Cup if it only takes place in the United States?” He was met with a throbbing silence.

But day three brought results as pressure rose with national disapproval reaching an all time high. The ruling: calling someone a sexist made the accuser a sexist for even seeing gender in the first place. 

We caught one of the committee members on his way out to hear how he felt about the decision.