When talking about a musicians’ death, especially a suicide, I’ve heard a lot of quotes from people who were close to these musicians that are along the lines of, “Well he seemed really excited about the future, why would they kill themselves?” or “They seemed very upbeat right before they died, it doesn’t make sense that they would kill themselves. Maybe it was just an accident.”
I think about that, and think about how I've felt in the past or of stories from other people who also live with depression. There have been times where I've felt really excited about starting a new project or thought about something I should start doing that makes me feel generally hopeful about my life and the future. But there are those dark moments, that happen often when you’re clinically depressed, where sadness seeps in. It doesn’t matter how happy or optimistic or inspired you can feel. The depression just comes. The self-loathing, the doubt, the anxiety....it comes in and takes over. It’s like a gas floating in through the crack in the door. It destroys any hope you have of the future. It’s never invited. Depression is a dark figure that hangs around you. Or leaves suddenly, but comes back just as sudden. For those who have dealt with depression their whole lives, depression is a 6-foot tall phantom that you know as well as your own mother. He will never die. He will never get a new job and move away, and he doesn’t really have an opinion on the cool new plans you have for your future. He just waits. Till....
While Nick Drake may have been excited to move to London to “re-start his music career” I can understand why his death may have not been an accident, especially if it’s a depression that cloaks you and follows you everywhere. That’s the shit part about depression. You can want to do so many things, but in the end, it doesn’t really matter. It’s still there. Depression never leaves. It never really fully goes away.
blakekathryn
romaincrisis
