her: a bit yeah, how'd you know?

I thought of growing old today.

Of choices, and freedom, and crippling fear.

Of having to forsee my life before I finish my teens.

Of having to trust the system when I don't even trust myself.

I thought of going home today.

And isn't that just as frightening?

I don't know where home is right now

But I remember when I had it.

I thought of breaking today.

Of a time before everything went wrong.

Of when it wasn't right, or normal, but I didn't care.

Of finally admitting I have no clue what I'm doing.

I thought of home today.

Of bonfires with bocce ball and shooting.

Of nights on the back porch, in the pool, on the deck.

Of when we were all together and mostly whole.

I thought of family today.

Of how much mine has grown, and how I love that, and how it now also seems smaller.

But also of before, when it was easier.

And family only sometimes meant fighting, not always.

What a change.