We are the monsters.

  I would certainly miss a lot of things that are outside; the sun and the breeze and the forest are only a few of them. But there are a lot of things I would not miss, such as cars, noise… people. I wouldn’t think of it as a waste of time. Sometimes a person just has to lay in bed for a while to feel better. I’m not sure how this is going to work out for me, but I can’t exactly bring myself to get up. I’m not sure I want to talk about it, I’m not sure it’ll help and I’m not sure I’ll get better. I really only want to sleep for the next ten years. That could happen, right?

Staying in bed a while is a much better improvement than 'never leaving' your bed at all. A lot more exciting, as well. That way you won't miss the little things you like that aren't people. Alright. As I said, you don't have to talk about it...I'm not forcing you to. All I'm saying, is if you ever want to talk I'll listen and that there are probably a lot of other, more reliable others, who are willing to listen, as well. Hopefully this hardship of yours will pass. But for now, I wish you well. 

  I’d go into a rant using the Quantum Soul Hypothesis to explain how it is in fact possible but I suspect you’ll just get bored, block out my voice, and make some sort of pathetic attempt to insult me. Advice? From you? That’s like taking advice from the poor man’s Hannibal Lecter— I wouldn’t want it anyways.

There is a high possibility, that yes, I would get bored. More-so, due to something dealing with your voice. There’s something about it that makes me zone out and question whether I left the stove on or something. Oh, c’mon -- I don’t eat people. If we’re going off fictional characters, I’d go with Gretchen Lowell.

  There are people that never leave their house, I heard. They work from home and order things from the internet and have them delivered to their homes. I could live like that. Maybe I could get someone to deliver three meals a day to my bed. Maybe someone would notice, because I don’t show up to work or forget to pay a bill or the rent. Well, I appreciate the fact that you don’t find my personality revolting. I don’t see how they’ll get better, but thank you for your encouraging words.

Three meals a day to your...bed? Goodness, quite an interesting life you'll be having. Hmm, but won't you miss the kiss of the sun on your skin or the way the breeze feels when you walk outdoors? There are much better places to be than in bed all day, I would think. It's such a waste spending all of that time indoors when there's so much going on in the world. Well, it wasn't. I've met many people who I would like to see living in a homemade prison, but you're not one of them. Errr...If you want to talk about it, I'd be willing to listen. I don't remember if I ever told you what I did for a living, but a lot  of it revolves around listening to others and helping them feel better. I've heard many people state your words who have seen positive changes in their lives after hardship, so I would like to think your situation could get better over time. You don't have to talk, I just think bottling things up and lying in bed all your life will likely make things worse than they already are. 

  Yes, I have a kid. Why are you so surprised, Robodoc? Well, I’m not entirely pleased about it— I mean, my kid’s…. fairly normal and she just lost her mother. You wouldn’t understand considering you were probably born without a soul, but that’s something that really hurts and could potentially damage her psychologically and emotionally— which I really don’t want happening to her.

I'm not soulless -- though such a concept seems entirely unscientific and  ever-so-silly to me. Emotionless to a certain degree, yes. Brutally honest, yes. Soulless, not so much. It's more that I just don't care about most things and I don't really try to. I would give you some advice, since I do know a little something something about these things, but seeing as I'm soulless, I think I won't be doing so. What's the kid's name, by the way?  Like...she's not named, Blanket, is she? That alone would be psychologically damaging to the little dear. 

I declare this day a jammy-day, as I do the rest of this week, or the month, or the year, my life, perhaps. Yes, that sounds like a good plan. Who needs me to climb out of bed anyway. I could disappear and no one would notice. I mean, the landlord would eventually but not until November.

Your stomach would notice, wouldn't it? I don't assume you could spend your whole life indoors without running out of food sometime along the way. And not that it's any of my concern -- Cynthia, was it?  -- but I am pretty sure, from our one meeting, that one of two people would eventually notice you were gone. Your personality isn't nearly as revolting as most of the people I've come to know over the years. I don't know what happened, but I am sure things will eventually get better; might take a while, but they will.

It’s been two and a half weeks since my wife passed and I’ve purchased four books on child grieving— read them from cover to cover about three times now. I’ve been following what they’ve recommended and… well, I feel like I’m either doing it wrong or I just don’t understand how my daughter is coping with all of this.

Your wife is...dead? So, you're finally free from the psychotic ninja turtle woman who stabbed you when you first met? I would make a sad face just to take the piss, but something tells me you're quite happy about your hot wife's passing. Or at least I hope you are, because otherwise I would sound like an asshole... 

Speak for yourself. I'd rather watch hours of reality television and eat one of my home-cooked meals, instead of having to eat some of Ingris's shitty broccoli casserole while talking about crappy erotica novels.

Why would you want to go to these things? I only go because she is the only human being in this entire world who scares the shit out of me. Disowned -- you? Weren't you spoilt rotten and given kisses on your 'bobos' when you did stupid stuff like fall off of a bike. But that's not the point. The point is: I was forced into listening to women rave over their sex lives and I can never see them the same, again...