𝕘𝕙𝕠𝕤𝕥 𝕠𝕗 𝕪𝕠𝕦

coming to terms with the reality that you might no longer chose me. if I asked to get back together now, you might say no and stay with her. that terrifies me. i feel pure terror at that thought. but i know this is a part of the process because most of me does not want to be with you. but there is still a tiny part of me that hopes. i don't even know what i am hoping for though. we can't be together. i was deeply unhappy with you. but i still love you. and i still want to connect. even though it makes no sense. i find myself wishing i could talk to you but being confused on what that would accomplish. i just want to be connected to the person i followed to the ends of the earth for nearly half a decade. but just because i want something doesn't mean it is right. or that i have to listen. it just hurts knowing you are out there and i am here. that you are living your life in another state. i wonder if you still love me. or if you still think about me or if you hate me. i know i destroyed you by leaving. the least i can do is pray you move on and have the life you always wanted with her. why would i wish the person i love more than anyone in the world to be enslaved by someone who left them? that isn't love. and i love you and always will. i hope you are happy with her and that you get everything you wanted. i hope you look back at our life together with fondness and no pain. i don't want you to be in pain. i hope you are ok

I know it's not about you anymore. you reached out to me from your new girlfriends phone. you asked for money. I sent it. It hurt but it didn't kill me like it would have a month ago. maybe I am healing from you. but then i am left with me and what i was numbing through you. and that is the scariest part

I wonder if you still think of me. especially when ur with her

I’m trying to figure out why I miss you. It’s connected to the emptiness I’ve felt since I was a kid. Not even really about you. And I know that because I hated the way you viewed the world. I hated your response to adversity. I hated your rigidity. But I still miss you desperately. And I try to ask myself what I miss. because most of the time I didn’t feel good around you. At the end. I did at first. But it stopped. So what do I miss? I try to rationalize with myself why I’m better off without you. I know I am. But the good in you was still there. There was so much good. I cry thinking about it. We grew up together. I have to live without you now. I have been living with you. For 110 days. It’s moments like these were the emptiness from my childhood is so loud that thoughts of you become even louder. I haven’t been thinking of you when I feel good though. I’ve actually felt relief you weren’t there in those moments. And so I know this isn’t really about you. You were an escape from what I’ve been running from my whole life. Yet you were a really wonderful escape at times.