fantasianima

I fell into myself

A catechism of voices

Telling me I’m unwell

Unless you’re me don’t tell me anything

That’s all they had to say

Choosing to deny myself now

Energy depleted I fall back in

Desperate for a fix

Somehow me, myself and I

This webpage was with me when I had nothing. When I knew everyone but no one knew me. Where I admitted that I would bite my tongue for fear of what my voice could do. Better a wallflower than a loudmouthed embarrassment.

Here I am, years later, and what do I have to show? With time I learned to make myself heard, but at what cost? 

I tried to put myself out there so many times; so many times I tried so hard to care, so hard to find someone who could see the purity of my heart and declare “sign me right up!”. Sometimes it was just a pipe dream, sometimes I was lost in a sea of confusion, but, once, only once, did I meet someone and see hope.

We came together in an endless stream of similarities. And it was nice, for a while. I let myself hope and dream again. Someone who didn’t truly want me or respect me as much as he made it seem. Perhaps it’s my fault, I don’t know. A “man” who claimed to want me in not so many words, someone who wanted me to wait for him “without explicitly saying so” -- and that was fine.

I endured so much from this person who demanded honesty from me. What did I receive in return for this honesty? Incessant judgment, criticism, and shame.