Quiet&Bold

I've had a hard few weeks, and writing has been heavy going under the weight of physical pain and ill health. But I never feel quite as alive as when I'm trying to evoke feeling through words, so I wrote this, with the intent to call up the feeling of being in love for the first time. That's a good tonic to feeling down, right?

I fall in love more each day. At first it was a nervy, fragile feeling. I traced my fingers over it lightly, barely connecting with it, afraid anything but the slightest pressure would crush it into dust. But the next day came and it was still there when I awoke, just as it had been when I closed my heavy eyelids, and I began to indulge in the glow of it in my shaking hands.

She was intensely surprising, a wild joke in a sombre setting, a deep flavour, honey-toned shoulders under a sweet smile. I didn’t really believe it. It couldn’t really be true. But each day, it was true, and each day more.

I was heavy hitting way out of my league, but I took a swing and each time the ball connected sweetly and flew the distance, one, two, three, four thousand miles into space and my heart flew with it.

Eventually I suspended disbelief and let the rest of me be tugged the distance to catch up with my flying heart. The disbelief was a heavy weight that held me back, and once I let it go, I realized it was the only thing doing that. She was a spur and incentive. She was a longed-for dream I didn’t know I had, a magnificent french kiss that thrummed into every atom of me.

Soft eyes that looked at me, reflecting how I felt. We bounced moments of connection between each other, revealing ourselves slowly, marvelling at how we could have spent so many years not knowing there was someone who thought so too, about so much.

The fragile feeling became steadier, my fingers were no longer frightened to touch it, and slowly it was sculpted into something much firmer and bolder. I worked on it daily, but I didn't do it alone. She ran her hands over it too, sometimes running those hands over mine, but every press and trace of a finger, every warm laugh I heard from her, every sultry word, everything about her gave me courage to be more myself.

I’ve often thought that love is wanting the best for someone, even if it doesn’t include you. The lingering traces of religion still sew self-sacrifice into my soul. I had come to assume that love would mean diminishment of who I am.

But I know now that I had never before been truly in love. I hadn’t felt desire and friendship and joy with no hint of shame or self-reproach. Now I wake every day a little bit more in love with an astonishing woman, who encourages me to be fully present in my life, and who I can marvel at as she blazes through her life. I want the best for her, but I don’t want to sacrifice myself to do it. I want to be the best, and I want her to know she inspires it.

Had a go at one of these because I've got a bit of time on my hands. Shh, don't tell anyone.

How many works do you have on AO3?

I think it's about 90 across three accounts - 44 on FallingFaintly, 22 on CourtAndSpark and about 25 on the rather smuttier anon group account DenmarkStreetGutterClub.

What’s your total AO3 word count?

Last time I counted I think it was around 224,000

How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

I make it 7. Doctor Who, Strike, Good Omens, The Musketeers, Ashes to Ashes, Being Human, and I thunk there's a really ropey Castle effort somewhere too.

What are your top five fics by kudos?

https://archiveofourown.org/works/27961421 - Completing a circuit.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/30302700/chapters/74689443 - Inside, Outside.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/29034039 - Snowball.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/30226728 - Making eyes at me.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/29708667 - The Memory Man.

Do you respond to comments, and why or why not?

I try to, but I often get a little overwhelmed and I'm not online much now.

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

I think Torque is pretty angsty, all things considered. But really, it has to be Fused on the DenmarkStreetGutterClub AO3 account because there's a major character death.

Do you write crossovers?

Sometimes, if the idea is strong. I wrote https://archiveofourown.org/works/29196753 - The First Day of the Rest of the World with the wonderful eticatka which is Strike/Good Omens crossover

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

I think I got some bitchy comments about some smut years ago, but other than that, no.

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Yup. Romantic, comedy, fluffy, intense, angsty, mild BDSM, slightly scarier BDSM once. I'm happy to give most things a try except non-consensual stuff because eww.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I have no idea.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Not as far as I know!

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Yes, as mentioned with eticatka. Digitalization has many authors. And @vgriffindor and I are inches away from posting the last chapter of https://archiveofourown.org/works/30082947/chapters/74091570 - The Knight and The Wren.

What’s your all-time favourite ship?

I adore Strike and Robin, but I still have an enormous soft spot for the Doctor and River Song.

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

I think it's probably https://archiveofourown.org/works/30964337 - one for two. I love what it became, having started out as a silly dare to try and write a plausible Strike/Robin threesome, and there is so much of it written that it's almost there, but I'm just not sure I'll ever get round to it.

What are your writing strengths?

Dialogue and visual imagination.

What are your writing weaknesses?

Using far too many commas and having to go back to tidy up. Forgetting to eat.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I'd give it a go, but it's not my forte.

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Doctor Who.

What’s your favourite fic you’ve written?

The way you feel about any two people can be truly love, but a character of love almost incomparable to the other. I love each of my children differently. I love each of my friends differently.

Today I saw someone I love be brave with people he loves, and be rewarded with their kindness and love in return. I listened to someone I love share her frustrations and fears and simply listening was love enough to help her heal. I shared all too brief messages with someone who has taught me things about love I was oblivious to, and even the gaps in between the messages were comfort.

Happy Birthday!🥳

Devouring your delights like an epicure,

The tang of grapefruit,

Zest and sugar juicy flesh.

Lush mangoes weeping honey wetly

Against my tastebuds.

Coffee hot, dark, intense,

Eyes closed then open fully.

Strawberries succulent to the bite down,

Sucking sweet liquor from ruddy ripeness.

Fresh cream, tongue whipped

Smooth, soft, yielding.

Dipping deep into richness

Thick, slick relish I lick from my fingers.

Forking into linguine, buttery and lavish, 

Curling around, trussed loosely,

Slurped up and engulfed,

Murmurs and hums 

Savouring sybaritic satisfaction.

Reclining sated, 

Breathless gourmand enthusiasm,

Taking a sip 

Of oaky-sweet aureate rum from your lips