Finding myself

February 2026

What a week it has been. Yesterday was probably the shittest I have felt to date. The whole day felt like walking on eggshells and I kept almost bursting into tears throughout the day. And probably what didnt help was attending an event where an LGBT editor spoke about his latest book. Nothing against him or his book but it just made so very reflective of myself and my life.

He discussed how he tried to find his community, his people, and how when he found them it helped him find himself and feel more comfortable in himself. And this is something i have thought about - and struggled with - for so so so long. I have for years, maybe even nearing a decade now thought I needed more gay friends, a community of people around me but for some reason I just can't seem to find them? Or is it that I'm not looking hard enough.

And tbh it makes me feel like a bad gay - like I'm missing something huge that could change my life or view point. I always see these groups of gay friends post on social media, taking trips, going out and I always feel so excluded. What is it about me that doesn't seem conducive to allow this to happen? Am I looking in the wrong places? And tbh this seems to be the case with hookups aswell. All over social media people talk about regulars and fwb but I have always struggled to find a regular. Is there something wrong with me? Or am I focussing on social media too much?

February 2026

I feel so blocked currently and I don't know if its the low mood/depression or burnout or what. I want to write - I have always wanted to write and share my feelings on paper but I seem to be really struggling these days. Which is a bit shocking especially because in previous low phases I have always found the words pouring out of me. But perhaps thats just my mood impacting my brain - I seem to have developed anhedonia. I just seem to be meandering through the things that require me - primarily work - and outside of that I just seem to be slow. Uninterested in engaging with anything, unwilling to do much. I think I'm going to take the next few days off work, I don't feel well enough to keep forcing a mask up daily, forcing myself to have pleasant social conversations with colleagues, making decisions in rapid fire. I don't know if I can even trust my brain to make the right decisions currently.

February, 2026

I started this post differently, and then I felt it was so rambling that I had to go back re-write it all from the beginning. For the last two weeks now I have felt like shit. Progressively getting worse and worse, an inability to talk to others, enjoy things, feelings of sadness and emptiness, until it all culminated in my tears tonight. Tears that seem to be for no apparent reason. Although that is a lie, isn't it?

I wonder what is wrong with me. I feel like I'm so lost again. Again and again and again I find myself in the same space. The same feelings of letting myself down, of my career tailspinning or not having close friends or a partner. And I see all the people who have such close friends that they are seeing constantly, doing fun things. Or partners that they have to support them. And I just feel so alone.

February 2026

I have been avoiding writing and reflecting for a while now. This whole week has been the biggest struggle for me to get through and I can't seem to work out why. I'm not sure what the trigger has been but I feel so low, so fucking low that at times I can't seem to breathe. There is a gaping bleeding hole in the centre of my chest and I don't know how to fix it? And I keep thinking how I feel so lost and alone again - a feeling I have felt many times before and yet I always end up here again. I always end up in this space of not knowing where to go, who to turn to and what to feel.

It hurts, even just to breathe and I seem to have lost my ability to function and communicate. The other day I was sat in a social gathering and all I could think about was how I wanted to make myself so small and invisible that I could disappear. A part of me wants to disappear, I want to go get lost in the wilderness somewhere. Surround myself by the deep dark forest. I don't know if I would ever come back though. If I was to go what is it that would pull me back.

July 2022

So today marks Day 21 of feeling off - 3 whole weeks but I have to admit I do feel better in some respects. Rather than carrying the feeling of unease, the air of sadness around with me all day it just casts its shadow over me in the mornings. And I am still yet to release energy from inside of me, the tears that I feel threateningly close to sometimes have not yet materialised.

Two weeks ago this Saturday I sat on a train headed to my friends wedding. And for some reason, that triggered me, I had this unimaginable pressure to just burst into tears and started crying. Now before this I have only ever done this once, in a park in my city whilst I was going through a previous low phase. And so at that time I realised that maybe I do need help. Perhaps I should seek some form of professional counselling.

The Empress (reversed): Loss of willpower and strength, lack of self-worth, feeling insecure

Ten of Wands (reversed): Burdened by circumstances, failure to share with others, burn-out

Six of Swords (reversed): Trying to move on but returning to the past, questioning your decisions, can't move on, can't let go, self-sabotage

High Priestess (reversed): Finding it difficult to listen to your intuition, confusion around you, feeling isolated

July 2022

I can appreciate I am going through shit currently. Not only am I reminiscing about the past, but I am beginning to doubt the future I had carved out for myself. Every big decision that I was sure of is suddenly confusing me, making me doubt myself. Is this really what I want? Is this really the direction I want to go in? Some of the biggest things I have had to tackle with in the last few weeks (since my current down phase began) have been trying to come to terms with the career I want, the location I want to be in and the future family life I want to live. Each choice, each decision is interlinked and there is a residual fear inside me that if I choose the wrong path that will be the end for me.

For as long as I can remember I have felt like a ticker, I feel like my time has been running out - similar in a way (if I am allowed the comparison) to the analogy of the ticking clock for women regarding childbirth. I feel like I am on a timer and I need to speed along, to reach my final destination. I need to reach the pinacle of my career quicker and quicker and quicker and if I don't - well to be honest I'm not entirely sure what would happen but I know its not something good.

And so being in this confusing lost space, where I feel I can't even trust my brain - having switched from one career path and destination to doing a 180 and wanting a different career path and destination. If I can't trust my brain what can I trust. Which direction am I meant to go in. What do I want and how can I get there. What does my future hold and what choices must I make to get there.

July 2022

This weekend has been tough but also gentle to me. I have had a space to reminisce and think about my past, my present and my future - and which direction I would like to go in. I have had the opportunity to unburden myself of my pains and my aches and my worries and to have my friends try to help me along my way. But it has also been tough because I have found myself going back to you. My thoughts slowly untangling and reaching out to you across the divide, hoping against all hope that I'll see you again. That I'll run into you again. That you'll recognise me and want to stop.

I had a surreal moment when I ran into another of my ex's this weekend. I shouldn't be surprised by the circumstances under which we met - I mean the gays are known to flock to this area but it was still unexpected. I can't seem to come up with any stronger or emotive word than unexpected. Was I sad to see him? No I was not, he made me feel, for lack of a better word, neutral. I never loved him, I don't think I could have ever loved him. Do you think this will happen when I see you? Will you make me feel neutral too?

I am better now. I can feel the sadness ebbing away. It is like the sea meeting the sand. The waves advance and they retreat and they advance again. My sorrow constantly stalking me is more like the waves now, it ebbs and flows but its still there, under the surface, waiting, watching, unwavering.