Dancing with the devil

You know when you think you know someone? More than anyone in the world? You know you know them, because you’ve seen them, like, for real. And then you reach out, and suddenly they are just… gone. You thought you belonged together. You thought they were yours, but they’re not.

You’re the only one I trust enough to see inside my soul.

I wish I had done things differently. We were in love once, and we let it get away.

Somebody once told me I was annoying, and it literally broke my heart. Because it felt like I was giving too much of myself to people who didn’t want it. It felt like I was forcing myself to be in a place where I wasn’t wanted. That was the starting point, and it never stopped. My heart just keeps on breaking. Because I still feel unwanted. I still feel like I’m not enough. I still feel like I’m annoying the hell out of everyone. And it still hurts the same way it did the first time - like I’d somehow rather die.

Everyday I was killing a part of me to keep you alive, breaking myself in hopes of healing you.

Here’s to the ones who have nothing figured out in their lives currently, the ones who wake up each day with no desire to ever leave their beds, the ones who fake smiles and wear a mask each day just so they wouldn’t hurt anyone around them, here’s to the ones who sleep with tears in their eyes and pain in their hearts, the ones who stay inside for days trying to pull themselves together as if they’re a puzzle missing all it’s pieces, here’s to the ones who find themselves spacing out thinking about how lonely they feel deeply in their bones even when they’re surrounded by all their loved ones, here’s to the ones who are afraid of their own thoughts and own beings, the ones who have to fight every damn day so they wouldn’t drown and collapse within their own selves, here’s to the ones who will look at you directly in the eye and tell you that they’re completely and utterly fine even when every cell in their body tells them to throw themselves at you and scream their pain and agony so loud that you wouldn’t have any other option but to listen, here’s to the ones who don’t know who they are, who feel as if they’re so many people all at once, who cannot afford the luxury of understanding their minds, here’s to the ones who ache silently, cry from within and stand strong as if their worlds aren’t collapsing down on them, here’s to the strongest souls out there, the ones who suffer all by themselves.

Trusting is hard. Knowing who to trust, even harder.

Two people who were once very close can without blame or grand betrayal become strangers. Perhaps this is the saddest thing in the world.

People don’t understand, that for people like me, when a person tries to enter my world, and tries to exchange words and love, it’s feels like a threat. Something to ground me to the earth, something that I’m tethered too. I don’t want to be tied to anyone, and I certainly don’t want anybody tied to me. I am my own.

You laughed so charmingly once, I think that’s what first attracted me to you. That and your smile.

Pay attention to what is leaving and make peace with what isn’t coming back.