Fallen @fallen-ash - Tumblr Blog

"Friends in shrouds"

to the people i call friends,

is the reason you do not reach out

because you're afraid of me?

because I make terrible choices?

because I do not matter?

Because I look strong? unbothered?

Though we are apart,

my mind drifts to think of you,

wondering,

hoping,

wishing that you are okay.

is this how it will be?

My hands always moving

through the smoke,

through the toxin,

through the fig,

just to know you're safe?

If we were in a burning building,

would you look for me,

like i would look for you?

I do not even know

if you think of me

as your friend too

#lost #lostfriends #alwaysreachingout #sadness #reminiscing #wishful #sad #thoughts #healing

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lucy-moderatz

Who's his business manager?

#CC is an absolute girl boss that new her worth

I remember telling my parents that I felt really pressured and depressed over school, and they said “I don’t know what pressure and depression is because I haven’t lived with their parents”

Thanks for the validation

A conversation I’ve had with my mother

“You are not yourself, you’re degrading to someone else.”

“You mean turning to someone that isn’t like you?”

#I’m tired of living as you #I don’t want to be you #I can’t stand being someone else just to make you happy #I just want you to love me for who I am

biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist

Nowadays we still associate scythes with grim reapers, but forget the original cultural context: scythes being a familiar farming tool that most people had at home, a mundane domestic object, elevated into a poignant symbol of the harvest and the cyclic nature of time. and a fitting symbol, because death also is as mundane, familiar, and reliable as the changing of the seasons.

my point being: a modernized grim reaper would be best portrayed as a skeleton carrying a leaf blower

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neechees

Oh I see... you think this has nothing to do with you? And you select, I don't know, that boho chic cowboy core getup for instance, because you're trying to tell the world that you're different and alternative. But what you don't know is that that style is not truly bohemian, its not Western, its Native American. And you're also blithely unaware of the fact that it was Southwestern tribes who originated the "Western" silver & turquoise jewelry, and the rug patterns used for horse saddles. And I think it was the Plains and Woodlands tribes wasnt it? Who beaded their tanned hide jackets with florals and fringed edges & beaded the brims of their hats & added Eagle feathers. And Soon Navajo Saddle blankets started appearing in four major saddlery catalogues, then filtered down through the runway, to the department stores, then trickled on down to the tragic internet trend where you no doubt fished it out of some White owned store. However, that fashion represents millions of dollars and countless styles appropriated traditional Indigenous fashion, and its sort of comical how you think you've made a choice that exempts you from a legacy of colonialism when in fact, you're wearing a fashion that was selected for you by the Native people of Turtle Island.

After telling myself I will do better, for some reason I always get worse no matter how hard I try

I just got back on tumblr and I really don’t know what I’m doing back here

#I’m back #yes #I want more content and Pinterest wasn’t doing it for me

lucy-moderatz

fallen-ash

They realized they were meant to be really late in the show but I love their dynamic

Im scrolling through instagram, and these 20+ year olds are spending time with their parents, laughing with them, acting like kids, and joking around and asking them for guidance without judgement and screaming, and my first thought is always “must be nice”.

I see these families that are from different parts of the world have more empathy for their children and I can’t help but compare myself and ask “why can’t that be me”.

I look at my parents and my sister and I see them asking her how she is, and how her day is, and when they ask me it’s always aggressive and sounds forced, and I ask myself why do I get treated differently?

#I’m already doing my best here #was I really meant to be alive #am I only for insurance #I feel really alone in my own house

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animentality

A lot of people in the Philippines believe in "UTANG NA LOOB," which in translation means conscientious debt; it applies mostly in scenarios where someone helps you, and you are guilted by your conscience or someone to repay them back in the same manner that they have helped you. There are some cases where some older people believe in just helping out of the goodness of their heart. However in the Philippines, it is also customary for traditional parents to assign one child to take care of them for when they finally retire. Usually they say, "It is not a job nor an obligation, but it is an act of love." many would not agree with this practice as it sometimes hinder that one child from experiencing life. There are families however who ingrain this practice onto their children at an early life, not necessarily do they live with their parents or let their retired parents live with them, but they ingrain this practice through guilt or gaslighting the child to feel pity or guilt.

In many cases, the parent would usually say "When you have your partners and they do not agree with us living with you? what will you do?" A child being a child of age 5-8 would obviously cling to their parents and say they would break it off with their partners. however as a child grows, and mind develops, they become more independent, and it becomes the parents pride and joy. However with this independence, there is also rebellion against the values and teachings the parents have used, which leads to arguments and gaslighting/ guilt trip.

The growth of independence becomes more of a problem especially when the child in question is no longer following the programming of their parents. It is a very common occurrence in the Philippines as they take pride in being family oriented, and wanting to be with their families. As the culture in the Philippines, they call everyone (even foreigners) "Kabayan" which translates to "country man" , "town mate" and usually Is used as "Friend" . Family is everything to Filipinos, and they treat every neighbor as family, they welcome many people with open arms, and allow you to join in on family events (depending on the type of family).

However, the child will then reflect on themselves and their relationships between their significant other and their parents. In many cases, the partner would agree, and allow the parents to live with them, and allow them to share a home, however, there are some cases where the family starts to stay away from the family due to this practice as well as other factors that caused a strain in their relationship.

#Filipino culture #Reliability #responsibility #children #culture #parents #family #Philippines #insurance baby

Birthed and given life, A mistake it was to be able to open my eyes. To hear and think, to live and experience life. I am the second option, one that was brought only made for a retirement plan. An unplanned pregnancy I was only thought of when thinking of retiring. An insurance baby I am. Made only for nursing, made only for caring, But never for living. Oh how terrible the world must be if I suddenly awake from slumber and I am nowhere to be found and take care of you when you finally retire.

#retirement #children #insurance #living #original poem #poems #depression #i have a lot on my mind #my family keeps bringing up their retirement #they want me to take care of them #I want to be free #freedom #expression #sadness #feelings #anxiety

I was a butterfly, And people called me beautiful. I flittered and moved To find the thing I loved most, But you tore off my wings shredded them from my back now I crawl, and told I am nothing but a worm To be squished at the bottom of your boot, To dig on the dirt, And one day To be one with the earth.

#original poem #clipped #I have family issues #this is my method of therapy #butterflies #earth #dirt #wings #poems #emotion #feelings #sadness #depression #digging #art #My family doesn't want me #i'm fine #I thought this would help me feel better #I believe in myself

Remember when I started to talk, and all you could say was "Watch your words" , I kept quiet, and tried to see if what I said would hurt. Remember when I started to frown, and all you said was "No one wants a grouch" so I smiled and my cheeks started to hurt. Remember when I started to cry, and all you could say was "Stop crying, there's nothing to cry about" so I showed no emotion and said nothing at all. Remember when I stopped believing in God, and all you said was "You're going to Hell for that" So you forced me to go to church and kneel for what I've said till my knees turned blue and I feel like I've repented for my sins. Remember when I opened up and told you what I was feeling, and all you said to me was "You think that it's easy to be a parent?" so I stopped. Remember when I told you that I was feeling down, that I need some help, and all you said was "You have nothing to feel down or depressed about". Remember when I told you I wanted to take art, and all you said was "There is no future or income in art", so I took something else that I wasn't happy with. Remember when I was struggling with my schooling, and all you said was "It's because you're always on your computer playing games" . Remember when I started to not feel well, and all you said was "It's because you're cooped up in your room" Remember when I started to drift away and wouldn't speak to you, You didn't say anything but deep down I knew, I didn't belong in this house. I was programmed to follow, programmed to to say yes. and when everything went south, I started to feel awfully down. and who did you blame for the problems I am facing, and for the feelings I am feeling. me.

#programming #mylife #rememeber when #parents #trauma #trauma recov #trauma recovery #emotional manupulation #guilt trip #narcissistic #raised by narcissists #depression #anxiety #mental health

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asideblogofyours

if this gets 1000 notes by March I'll uh. get a therapist. and y'all aren't allowed to reblog more than three times, I know what my friends would do

edit: to 1000 because my friends will try to get to 100 in the comments

one-time-i-dreamt

we love you and want you to get better

I haven't been on tumblr for 3 years, and I have gone back down the rabbit hole of laughing at trash humor that I enjoy

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