what you do today can improve all your tomorrows

Four month ago my therapist recommended to try medication against my ocd. I am living with a compulsiv disorder since I am 10. Sometimes its stronger, sometimes I had it not at all. But since 2 years I am dealig with dermatillomania which got worse in the past six month. So monday will be the first day for me to take the medication. 

I am scared. This is a big decison for me.

She compered it with somebody trying to walk again after an injury. Like crutches for my brain. And I think this is a good way to see it.

I feel that I am weak. Weak that I can’t do this just on my own. That I need this help. I am scared of what my friends will think if I would tell them. If somebody  could ever love somebody like me. 

But the hardest thing is to see my mother crying in the kitchen and her being afraid that I maybe change if I take the antidepressants.

I just hope that it will help me. I want my old life back. Nobody knows how hard it is to pretend to be happy everyday when you are ashamed of your skin. Ashamed how you look and worring if anybody can see how damaged your skin is. Not wanting to go in the sun bc somebody might see how much coverage you you used. Not being able to go to the pool even if you want it so badly.

sometimes I think:

- just that one spot

- now you’ve started so you can keep going and squeeze every spot you can find

- these zits are disgusting. there is dirt under your skin you have to get rid of it even if it hurts and looks terrible afterwards

- just go into the bathroom and apply some moisturizer and than leave (leaving the bathroom half an hour later completely mutilated)

- you can remove the skin from this spot its completely healed