Came here after so long... But something strange has happened. I really want to keep the record here.. because who knows how and when this writing might come in front of him and it'd cause a sting in his heart.. making him realise that despite his denial.. there was something.. something good.. something pure.. we both shared.. but it never manifested. It grew and died in our hearts..
Yesterday i was in my study room upstairs looking for a notebook. In my room, there are so many books that are hard to keep so i packed a few of my books, notebooks and papers in cartons.
The notebook i needed was in one of those cartons.So, i started the exploration. While unloading the carton and finding the notebook i needed, i came across my old poems and journal entries I wrote a few years ago.
In this clutter of old entries, I found a paper tucked in a book. Thankfully, I was in the mood for reading.. i opened the paper and started reading. Usually i mention dates in my journal but this paper doesn't have one. But i knew, after reading, when it happened.
I wrote, " Recently, I had a talk with him. I didn't expect but he called me and we talked. The first thing that he did was turning on the video and kept the phone aside so that i cant see him but he was watching me.
When i asked where he was, he said," I am here and I am looking at you. You look so much changed. It seems like you groomed yourself."
I replied, "Yes it is.. because there was nobody to think about so i thought I should think about myself."
He said he wants to say something if I don't mind..which i allowed him to. He told me that the moment he saw me after so long he got the glimpse of older times that passed on and he is seeing a reflection of his ex in me. I asked him to talk about us only to which he agreed.
He told me how he survived when he poisoned himself, falling on the ground laying unconscious when i was not with him. A girl saved him, took him to hospital, took care of him and helped him get back to life. He said he is very thankful to her and loves her so much.
I was listening to him talking. The next moment, he grabbed another gadget and called that girl. She picked up. Now he was talking to her on another video call while making me watch.
I knew he was trying to make me jealous. He was observing whether I did react or not. I suffered for some moments but then a wave of anger came over me and i cut the call. I dont know why but i started crying. After 2-3 minutes, he called again and I picked it up. The moment the call connected he asked me, "You were jealous. Right?"
I said,"No."
He said, "Yeah you were. you still cant see me talking to someone else because i knew you never liked any girl talking to me."
I said," What is the purpose of saying all this now?"
He said," because i knew you liked me you had feelings for me but you never told me."
Thats it.
This was written. I remember this happening on 15th december 2021.
Gosh.. i miss those times. I miss how he knew everything inside me. The intimacy we had while being so apart yet we never accepted. We lied to each other and to ourselves. He knew thoughts of mine before me speaking. He was different. He was lovable. The man i wanted to love but couldn't. He is not the same now. Not even close to what he was.
Maybe in some other world,other universe.. we'll meet again and talk. And i could tell him.. "Yes I do."
