Being alone to the point of complete isolation is the hardest thing to overcome; it's almost a lifetime recovery; it affects the way I see myself today. If you've grown up like I did, my heart goes out to you. Know that you are now not alone. Even if you still don’t have anyone in your life right now, you've got me and the community we will build together. And whether you have faith in God or not, he really loves you; look out for him and his goodness.
Deuteronomy 31:6, Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified... for the Lord your God goes with you, He will never leave you nor forsake you.
Let's get into it. I will touch base on a couple of topics, but together they become the grief and isolation I endured. When you read through this, you may feel it is relatable or trigger a few memories. I encourage you to be compassionate with yourself and know that it's over, and you're safe now. I only recently started doing a deep dive into my memories during my therapy appointment every 2 weeks for the last 5 months now, it has made a real impact, if you haven't got one or you don't find your sessions helpful, you can change to another therapist with high reviews and affordable if your like me, most therapist will allow a trial run to figure out if it's a right match. I immediately knew I liked my therapist, Jenny, before I sat in the chair. She knew I was extremely stressed and anxious from my social anxiety and got me to breathe with her; it was perfect as can be.
My earliest memories of my mother were that she was barely around or available because she prioritised her studies and career in high school teaching, even when she was off the clock, she was glued to her laptop in her bed, she was on the laptop when I got up in the morning and when I went to bed, even the holidays she was working.
It was easier to handle mum’s disappearance until my Dad passed away when I was nine years old, Dad was the fun and nurturing parent who was present, he was was the take your child to work day in his garden truck, take you fishing on the weekend, just him and I catching crabs, one time that’s my favourite memory was when he caught a small brown pufferfish and he tickle it, it did it's own version of a laugh and dad told me to kiss it and then he popped it back into the water. I was devastated when he passed. He was my childhood, took all my happiness and enjoyment of life with him.
My mother threw herself into her work more and eventually started working on her published book, which she wrote about her journey with my cancer, my dad’s cancer and his passing. I hate that book because it had more of her attention and love than my sisters and I did.
After Dad’s passing, I got severely depressed and isolated and couldn’t seek comfort from my Mother as she stoned my Dad's name meaning we were not allowed to talk about him, say we missed him, or ask memories about him, what else was devastating was she got rid of everything of his so quickly, even the blue fishing rod he bought me in the shed, i pleaded with her not to get rid of it but she did because i won't and don't use it but that not why, it was a gift from my dad and all the memories of fishing.
Being unable to get support for what was supposed to be a nurturing and emotionally supportive mother was unimaginable and unbearable; every night, and I mean that literally, I would lie in my bed and silent sob for years because i missed him, pleaded with God I wanted him back, or to hear him ( I'm crying while writing this, it's still painful ), i would have vision that he would be beamed down in the night sky and hug me and told me he loved me and then i would fall asleep with tears in my eyes.
My sisters excluded me from their lives because I was different.
I was different because of my disability from the side effect of Chemotherapy when I was 1 year old, all my primary school years, I had countless visits to the hospital for the Audiologist, speech therapy, oncologist and surgeons for my right leg, foot and head for my bilateral Cochlear Implants. I will post a more in-depth story soon.
My sisters were very hateful towards me. If I asked my older sister, let's call her Rose, how her day was, she would stop what she was doing, look at me with darkness in her eyes, and tell me to stop talking to her or slam the door in my face every time I tried to talk to her.. My little sister, we'll call her Spencer, because she reminds me of Spencer from Pretty Little Liars because of the hairstyle and bangs. Spencer idolised Thea so much that she mirrored the same behaviour. Spencer was also a very bold and aggressive personality, very strong in her opinion.
When I was 18 years old, I went to youth church every Friday night, but this one night was different; nothing was different about the service or the preaching. At the end of the preach, we'd normally worship, and during the worship, I opened my heart to God and asked him to take away the sadness, and immediately, this weight came off my shoulders. He literally took it into his hands. I never felt that kind of sadness again, and I thank Him for it.
Matthew 7:7, Ask, and it will be given to you, seek, and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you.
The exclusion and the treatment still lasted years more, but the biggest hurdle was the depression, and that was gone. I hope this helps you, however it can. Even the smallest relatable feeling goes a long way.
romaincrisis
tangentwithtanner
areudirty
turnnoffyourmind
prguitarman
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
