I know I will always love way more than I would be loved in return. In actuality, it would greatly surprise me if I get back any love at all. And more often than not, a simple gesture that shows people's kindness towards me or that they had me in my thoughts enough to check up on me, or talk to me, it's so surreal to me, like I am someone whose existence is noticed? There is a space for me in people's minds? Those moments have made me burst into tears because I don't really think it makes a difference to the world whether I'm present or not.
I do not let people get away with hiding behind small talk, my conversations are raw and from the heart and this more often leads to awkwardness and making people sad. By assuring someone, I will stay their side to fight their demons, I break their illusions of a mirage where no demons exist and I make people miserable. I don't know how to stop caring so damn much that I worry about their life more than they ever would.
With tiredness projecting a change in tone of conversations, my mind jumps to the worst conclusions cloaked in abandonment issues and neglect shrouding me from a young age, that all I could think is they hate me. They are going to leave me. But I do deserve it. I am a monster. People say I apologize too much and I don't know the value of the word sorry. But they misunderstand me. I don't throw sorrys around because they are of no value to me. They mean so much to me and I use them to express how sad I really am for causing a burden in your life. I apologize for everything because I think everything is my fault. I can tell you this. People may or may not miss me when I'm gone. Maybe I'm easily replaceable. Maybe I'm forgettable. Maybe they breathe a sigh of relief when I'm no longer there. I know I'm not the kind of person anyone would fall in love with. I'm crazy, weird, awkward, anxious, sure there are good things too but it is not easy to be with me. Maybe this is my curse, to being the invisible one, to be a game, just an option and sometimes not even that, to always being loved less than I would, to be 'too intense', 'too sensitive', 'too damn much' for most people and I know , my heart is going to bleed just as worse the rest of my life too. By now though I'm used to rejection, I'm used to being an outcast, I'm used to being ignored, left alone. I always thought there is something terribly wrong with me, that I'm unloveable, maybe I am, but over the years, with no other option and also by choice, I learned to love myself, be my own company. I let myself down a lot of times, no one could be more cruel to me than the voices in my head, but you know what? Flaws and all, future heartbreaks and all, I'm not changing anything. I am not gonna get my intensity down a notch. And if all it's going to give me is get washed ashore by the waves, so be it.
