Just Random Thoughts I Dont Know What To Do With

I will preface this with the note that I don’t want anyone to think that these thoughts extend to my thoughts of anyone else. I hold myself to standards that are immeasurably higher than the standards I hold others to. I also don’t want anyone else to think these things about themselves. That’s not fair to you and it’s a horrible way to think about yourself. But it’s almost midnight, I have work tomorrow, everyone I would talk about this with is asleep, and I need to get this out somewhere. I’m sorry...

I hate being told I did my best when I fail or make a mistake. That’s probably the worst thing someone could tell me. I probably would function better being told I didn’t try hard enough. Because when someone says “you did your best,” what I hear is “you’re inherently not good enough. You are weak. That’s what’s wrong with you.”

I was so excited

The book was so nice

My style, my speed

Beautiful cover

But you took one look and said I was too old

That it was for babies

Teenagers don’t need pictures

Teenagers don’t need big print

So I put the book away

And now I’ll never see that book again

Lav: *minding her own business*

Another pearl: hey what are you doing with your legs?

Lav: oh. Uh... my feet are just turned in.

Pearl: what? Do you not know how to stand in releve??

Lav: Well—

Being overseen by an agate while waiting to be placed with a gem owner

Agate: *walking down a line of pearls, all standing at attention. She stops at lavender and sneers* Lavender pearl, facet 388, cabochon 9. Do you still have the orb that I gave you?

Lav: Yes, my Agate.

Agate: good. *extends hand* place it in my hand.

Lav: *turns around to show her gem and thinks for a moment. Then projects the orb into Agate’s hand*

Agate: *grimaces* that took far too long.

Lav: Yes, my Agate. I’m sorry, my Agate. I will be faster next time.

Agate: Keep giving results like this and you’ll be shattered before there can be a next time.

Lav: Yes, my Agate.

Agate: *turns her around* How did you organize it?

Lav: Well, I put it in section Agate, subsection Test.

Agate: you.... what?

Lav:.... my... my Agate section?...

Agate: Cabochon 9, how do you organize your inventory?

Lav: Well... I arrange my items by their use... *looks up to gauge a reaction, but Agate is just staring straightfaced*.... You see, I group items with similar uses together. And then create subsections the more specialized the use becomes. So, for instance, you handed me this orb. So I—

Agate: Absolutely not. *the other pearls start to snicker and she shoots them a look. They stop immediately* That is not how pearls arrange their inventories and that is not how you will arrange your inventory. You will arrange it strictly alphabetically.

Lav: Why?

Agate: ... What. Did you just say?

Lav: U... Uh... nothing, my Agate.

Agate: *pulls out her whip* Do you think you’re allowed to question anyone?

Lav: No, my Agate! I’m sorry!

Agate: And now you’re raising your voice?!

Lav: No, I—

Agate:*whips her. She stumbles back* Don’t move. Stand and take what you deserve.

Lav: *clenches fists and stays in place, holding back tears*

So I made a character a couple of weeks ago named Lavender Pearl

Steven Universe related, for anyone unfamiliar.

I just entered the workforce and dealing with it while also coming to terms with my newly realized deficits is hard, so channeling them through Lavs helps.

I’m going to use things that happen to me at work and translate them through her in SU terms with little scenes. Just a little fun creative thing to help me document stuff I find interesting. TBH, I wanna make them comics but making comics is hard and I’m lazy.

A little background info, she’s a homeworld gem. She came out a little wonky, but is functional enough to do pearl things so they just put her somewhere where no one would see her instead of shattering her. A random ruby happened to do something very impressive and was gifted with Lavender. Of course they wouldn’t allow a lowly ruby to have a “real pearl.” Ruby is happy but also irritated by the clear insult. Lavs messes up a lot and apologizes a lot. Ruby tries to assure her that it’s okay, but that’s even more irritating because she shouldn’t have to be worryin about her pearl’s feelings.

I think that the human race in relation to the earth has waaaay too many parallels with parasites and viruses.

Think about it. Parasites/viruses are beings that worm their way into or around a body, in this case the earth, and live off of it to the host’s detriment. Humans showed up on earth and started progressing through stages of evolution until we’re here. Feeding off of the earth. Mining and drilling and spewing gas and plowing forests and whatever. And, like a body infected by a virus, the earth deploys antibodies. Animals willing and able to kill us, natural disasters, global warming bringing the possibility of the ice caps drowning us, all the shits. And then it’s an arms race to the finish.

And think about this. How long have human’s been on this planet in comparison to how long this planet has been here? We’re like a blip. But I’m that blip, we have evolved A LOT from the cavemen that we used to be. Much in the same way that viruses rapidly evolve to try to beat our immune systems, which is why we have to get new shots every once in a while. Size-wise, I’d say we’re about as small to the earth as a parasite would be to us. We’re rapidly working to outsmart all the shit that’s trying to kill us.

And I know what you’re thinking. And no this is not an environmental “shame on mankind” PSA. I mean, yeah we’re shitty to the environment and I’m not a fan of humans in comparison to other animals, but still not the point.

My real point, of course, is aliens.

Just hear me out.

What if aliens sowed the seeds of the human race with the intention of putting a virus on earth that would destroy the pesky life populating it so that they could make it better suited for their race? They didn’t bother to give us memory of them because they honestly didn’t think we’d make it to a point of having memories. Or they just didn’t care. As long as we destroy everything we touch (and we definitely do), do our thoughts really matter?

And someday they’ll come back. Maybe some of us will still be alive. Maybe we won’t. I’m sure we’d be insignificant enough that they probably wouldn’t really care. And if they do care, we’re pretty easy to catch and/or kill. Like, we’ve got gadgets but we are still pretty weak and squishy.

If you’ve made it this far, I’m hoping that you’ve realized that I am joking. This just sounded like a cool idea and the metaphor lined up way too perfectly for me to let go.

Thank you for listening to my insane ravings.

(A repost of a post that I made on my main blog)

I have listened to a lot of YouTube theorists about FNAF (mostly matpat). And I love them. And I love Scott. But I have come to the conclusion that I don’t like the end result of this story. I love FNAF as a whole, but.... there are things that don’t feel complete.

I personally like the idea that mat had about mike being crying child. Given the evidence, I think it makes sense and is very interesting. But this leaves a glaring hole in the narrative.

I personally like the idea that mat had about mike being crying child. Given the evidence, I think it makes sense and is very interesting. But this leaves a glaring hole in the narrative.

And then the conclusion was drawn that Golden Freddy was Cassidy. Just... one of the random kids that got killed. Comparatively insignificant. Not that a child being dead isn’t horrible. I just mean it’s narratively underwhelming. And in a game focused so hard on trying to tie up loose ends, why would it leave something like a whole chunk of the main family just randomly forgotten? The mom, who had absolutely no screen time, was given an ending, but not the main antagonist of the FNAF4 minigame? That sounds weird.

So it’s time for my own theory.

I want to say that I am not saying that what I previously said was not Scott’s intended story. I’m also not saying that it is. I don’t know. I don’t know Scott. I’m not in his head. Matpat could be on point, he could be totally wrong. I’m not arguining against the validity of the story, more about how unsatisfying it is for me personally.

I think big brother is Golden Freddy. I will also hazard to guess that his name is Cassidy. Why not? He was never given a name.

Think about it. If Mike isn’t Goldie, who’s the only other person seen associated with the Fredbear animatronic? Big brother. He was the one who shoved his little brother’s head into the death trap on his birthday.

I think that he accidentally killed his brother. And then their dad was PIIIIIISSED. Understandably so. I mean, one of his kids killed his other kid. And Elizabeth was most likely already dead, and it’s possible that his wife was too (I have a theory that she committed suicide from grief, but that’s a story for another day). So it’s an understatement that Willy was on edge. So I think he punished the older brother. And that punishment went too far. Maybe he couldn’t even see this child as his anymore after what had happened.

Big brother died and I think his soul, unsure of where to go, went to the source of his guilt. He hadn’t meant to kill his brother. Maybe he even thought he deserved what he got. So he stayed there, immobile.

That would explain the notes “it’s me.”

Why would some rando kid be saying that to mike? Maybe they were friends?

Or maybe it’s his brother trying to contact him.

It even makes sense with UCN. If Goldie is the one keeping Willy there, doesn’t it make more sense for the one holding him in his own personal hell to be his own son rather than, again, a random kid named Cassidy?

He was killed for killing his brother ON ACCIDENT. And he was just a kid. He felt guilty about it. He thought he deserved what he got. And then he saw his dad, the man who dealt his punishment, walking around killing kids for years. It would be insultingly hypocritical. He was betrayed by his own dad because of an accident. And why did he care so much more about mike than him? His dad was fully willing to kill him, but he worked until the day he died to revive his little brother? What made him so special?

He would see himself as “the one you should not have killed.” His death was different from the others. He was the only child in this body count that we know of to be killed out of rage and vengeance rather than bloodlust and science. He was the one killed for hypocritical reasons. UCN was a message to his dad.

“You killed me when you were doing THIS? You and I both know I’m not the one who deserved to die.”

This could be wrong. I haven’t done a shit tonof research. But this version of the story just feels more complete to me. The family feels more complete to me. I’d be interested to see what other people think :)

Once upon a time, there was a doll.

The doll's face was wrong. Her right eye drooped, her smile set crooked, her nose dented inward, her left ear melted off, but she was not broken. No, she was made this way not by a hot day in the sun or the grubby hands of a toddler, but by one wrong move of a machine in the very factory in which she was made.

But nobody noticed.

So out she went into the world and onto a store shelf.

A child walked through the store and saw the doll's box. There was no plastic window to show who she was, just bright pictures and fun words. They'd come for another toy entirely, but in her excitement, the girl chose the doll instead.

She took the doll home and saw her face. "That's okay," the child said, "because she still has hair." And so she brushed the doll's hair into her face and played with her as if she were any other doll.

She went everywhere with the doll. She confided in it. She gave it all the love that toys are meant to be given. Some days, she even brushed the hair out of the doll's face and admired her imperfections. But it was always brushed back into place at the end of the day.

Now the doll is old. A relic of the girl's childhood, dusty and faded. She's had new toys since, but the doll was content to sit on her shelf and watch her play her new games. Games that the doll was not made to play.

The doll's hair has fallen away with age and use. There is no longer enough to cover her face. Her shame. The girl still looks upon her from time to time, and it is a look of love, but something else too. She is not used to seeing the doll's face all the time and, what's more, the doll's hair had been beautiful with its dark shade and cascading curls.

The girl laments her mistake. "If only I had let her face show, she would still have her lovely curls," she says.