FERN ★˚. ᵎᵎ

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I have recently been finding myself in a bit of a problem with some ex friends of mine. It's the typical story of me being a place holder friend to people whom I thought were my closest friends - they often used to make fun of me to my expense, but when I did anything remotely triggering, I was confronted and scolded.

I tend to take accountability for those things that often hurt other people's feelings, but recently when expressing that, I - along with my partner - are pictured as the "bad guys", when in reality, we got shut out by most of those people to who we called our friends.

I haven't been wanting to go down the spiral of me feeling like nobody cares, because people do care! to.. a certain extent when it tends to be them worrying about whether or not the situation will affect them directly, or affect our entire group.

But, because of this, there is always a bittersweet feeling inside of me when I see a deeper connection from everyone, except me. My partner can easily grow these connections with her friends because of how charming she is, and we have the same friends, but the only difference is that she has known these people longer than I have.

I don't have room to talk, I can't allow myself to be jealous about something that I never had. Of course, its good to put in that effort to bond and connect, but as someone who is Autistic (professionally diagnosed) and who has have many incidents where she always was caught up in a spill that resulted in her past friends just hating her, I feel like my time for intimate connection in a platonic way is just slowly coming to an end.

And, maybe that is just spur of the moment, me being all depressed because these ex friends are acting very negative around me and my partner, all because they would rather hear one side of the story, rather than both then form an opinion. I just, can't help but feel more lonely than ever.

"But when I die I want it to hurt. When my friends leave, when I have to let go, when this entire town is wiped off the map, I want it to hurt. Bad. Until that happens, I want to hope again. And I want it to hurt. Because that means it meant something."