I'm afraid she's rather odd

I’m just gonna keep writing with minimal editing. I’m not gonna pause too much to think about what comes next. Okay let’s go.

I want to be me again. Who is that, really? Dunno. I like the version of me in 2014. It wasn’t the best but since that year I’ve looked back and continually been amazed at my (minor) accomplishments that year that I haven’t replicated.

I was bright and hard-working. I was a badass - grown men were afraid of my sharp wit and cold expression. Yeah, I was a little pretentious. I was also a little full of myself. But I liked myself. I didn’t feel like shit about who I was, maybe because I didn’t spend so much time comparing myself to other people.

I liked that I was smart and had the interesting conversations that I did. I liked that I got good grades - not because they were proof of how “intelligent” I was but because they were a reflection of my hard work, perseverance, and resilience. I liked that I read seventy books that year (and sixty the next). I liked that, even though I was struggling with acne and body image issues, I was discovering my sense of style and dressed comfortably in clothes that I thought portrayed my character and interests. I would wear either black nail polish or five different colours on my nails to school, and listen to classic British bands on my dad’s iPod classic while doing homework and past year papers. I wasn’t dressed like other girls. Not that there was anything wrong with the way those girls were dressed. But I valued originality and feeling confident as an individual more than looking trendy and Instagram-worthy.

Speaking of: I didn’t use social media that year (except Tumblr). I didn’t care about other people and their oh so picture-perfect lives. I did care about the people close to me, who supported me and believed in me. I tried my best to be there for my friends in their times of need. I made them laugh whenever the opportunity arose. It didn’t matter to me what other people were doing or thinking so even when there was drama none of it got to me.

Basically, I didn’t give a damn. And I miss that.