oh dear

𝘙𝘦𝘥, 𝘸𝘩𝘪𝘵𝘦, 𝘣𝘭𝘶𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘬𝘺 𝘚𝘶𝘮𝘮𝘦𝘳'𝘴 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘢𝘪𝘳 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘣𝘢𝘣𝘺, 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘦𝘯'𝘴 𝘪𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘦𝘺𝘦𝘴 𝘐'𝘮 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘯𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘢𝘭 𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮

reporter: are you glad that you caught kevin’s eye in highschool and that he became your mentor, helping you go pro?

neil, passing his helmet to kevin who was standing right next to him: who the fuck is kevin?

reporter: there’s a rumor that something is going on between you and striker neil josten, can you tell us anything about it?

andrew, making heart eyes at neil from across the room: he means nothing to me

*no one understood why neil had to leave the room because he was laughing too hard*

reporter: can you give us a few words describing your two teammates who you’ve been with since university?

kevin, not even joking: never have i been so disappointed in someone to the point that i specifically requested to be lowered in the casquet by them when i die so they can let me down one last ti-

Go to Walmart, buy the three items that, combined, will freak out the cashier the most

And yeah, the employees mostly don’t give a shit what people buy, and know about the game, to boot. You gotta be convincingly weird to pull it off

Neil is shit at this, he buys garbage bags, duct tape, and a shovel and gets an eye roll

“Yes we might actually need those items someday but if you buy them together you don’t get away with the murder, idiot”

But medicated Andrew is a local legend/cryptid at the Palmetto and Columbia Walmarts

Seasoned Employee A: “Have you rung up the ‘pack of cigarettes’ guy yet?”

Newbie: “Hundreds of people buy cigarettes.”

Seasoned Employee B: “No YOU’LL KNOW when you meet the ‘pack of cigarettes’ guy.”

Seasoned Employee A: “What did he buy from you?”

Seasoned Employee B: “Moon shoes, a plunger, and lube.”

Seasoned Employee A: “Holy fuck. He bought donuts, donut holes, and glue from me.”

Newbie: …that’s someone pranking-

Seasoned Employee B: “Oh God, and his smile. His SMILE. You knew he was going to use them, too. He was going to do it.”

Seasoned Employee A: *shudders* “I know.”

Newbie: ………………….

More employees start chiming in with haunted looks: “a bottle of maple syrup, Coco Puffs, and a wide-mouth funnel”

“A Slip n Slide, Nesquik, and a jumbo pack of boba tea pearls”

“The look on his face”

“The eye contact, God”

“His SMILE”

A few weeks later, Newbie watches a short, manic blond man in all black unceremoniously dump his items onto her conveyer belt at a quarter to midnight. His grin is ghastly in the fluorescent lights, and the way his hair and eyes shine make him look like some kind of ghoul.

There’s a pack of loopy neon silly straws on her conveyer belt, a CuisineArt blender, and…a dozen live goldfish wobble in sloshing water as their inflated bag rolls unevenly down the belt to her scanner.

Newbie is pretty used to people buying everything under the sun by now, Walmart sells everything under the sun, but…

She glances up in a split-second of trepidation.

That shit-eating grin could swallow the goldfish whole.

But it…won’t, will it. Oh god. She glances at the blender she just bagged, then back to the ghoul.

Since Andrew goes to the store a lot for cigarettes (I picture him trying different brands, that’s why he’s always getting a pack, not a carton) he gets to do the Monster shopping while he’s there

Fact: Nicky whined for days about wanting a Slip n Slide for the Columbia house in summer and Kevin wanted to make boba tea (the Nesquik is obviously for Andrew)

Abby needed syrup for Team Breakfasts when they return from winter break as well as a wide-mouth funnel for ladling homemade soups into jars (the Coco Puffs are obviously for Andrew)

He needed something appropriately stupid for Kevin’s birthday so moon shoes it is. Four guys in one dorm room? Yeah they need a plunger okay (The lube is obviously for Andrew’s private use)

Sometimes it is a little on purpose though.

Like, he’s getting Aaron glue to make a poster for a final project and Andrew wants donuts, and when he looks at the items in his hands he grabs donut holes too because obviously, and when he reaches the checkout he leans slightly over the counter without blinking and taps the tube of glue while confiding “nontoxic” like it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to him.

Kevin broke his blender with too many greens at once so Andrew went to get him another one to shut up his whining, and threw in silly straws for his kale smoothies to mock him. The goldfish were one of the funniest things he ever did to the cashiers, but in reality Walmart takes shit care of their fish section and he mostly bought them because he felt sorry for the things.

By that time Neil is around and Andrew rationalizes the purchase of live animals with “they’re orange like our school colors, Neil will love them” and dumps the bag into Neil’s sweaty hands without explanation when he picks his two Exy junkies up from night practice.

The confused look on Neil’s face is priceless and also…Andrew finds it fun and more interesting than it really should be to toy with the kid…

This is for my own amusement and not to be taken seriously

“I would let Jean Moreau spit in my mouth and I would use it as mouth wash”

Jean: not to kink shame but get help

“Jeremy Knox are you free February 14th because I am free February 14th and I would like to hang out with you on February 14th when I am free so please let me know if you’re free to hang out February 14th because I would like to hang out on February 14th when I am free.”

Jeremy: aw that was really wholesome

Alvarez: don’t worry they get worse

Jeremy: shit. Anyway I am not free on February 14th for reasons I will not disclose in a buzzfeed video

“Andrew Minyard making everyone have dirty thoughts every time some sports magazine posts a picture of him. He could beat the shit out of me and I’d say thank you.”

Andrew: *glances at crew, face blank*

Wymack: *loud sigh in the background*

“Can we talk about how gorgeous Kevin Day is for a sec? Like that man is fucking beautiful. I’d let him eat crackers in bed.”

Kevin: … why would I eat in bed?

“I can’t believe Allison Reynolds invented being sexy.”

Allison: well you should

“Matthew Boyd is thicc and woke”

Matt: thank you???

“If Aaron Minyard ever kills me DO NOT PROSECUTE HIM because he caught ME slipping that is on ME”

Aaron: people on the internet need more therapy than I do. And a better understanding of the legal system.

“Yes, the rumors are true. I am a slut for Danielle Wilds.”

Matt: *in the background* SAME

Dan: thank you for the compliment? I mean we don’t slut shame in this house

“95% of the reason I love Exy is because of Neil Josten’s ass in those shorts.”

Neil: *opens mouth to go on a rant about all the other reasons they should love exy*

“I want Laila Dermott to smash a laptop on my tits.”

Andrew benches a LOT. This is canon. He loves lifting and his arms, chest, and shoulders are JACKED. However, he HATES abs. He has upper abs as a result of benching, but he will never be caught dead doing crunches (they are even borderline triggering).

so because i'm bored

i'm taking the foxes on a road trip in australia

they stop at every. single. fucking. cow pasture.

(andrew makes them)

neil thinks cows are werid

everyone else takes a gazillion photos of every cow

nicky tries to ride on one

stopping to piss in the bushes every 40 minutes

singing.

not even any good songs

all shitty things with shitty lyrics that everyone's heard a trillion times

matt makes them listen to kidz bop songs

they live and breathe on coffee

andrew and aaron arent allowed to drive

neil drives into a roadside

nicky forgets to use the handbrake on a hill

a kangaroo jumps on top of the car while matt drives

after that he's too afraid to drive again

a koala is sitting in the middle of the road while renee is driving

everyone gets out and says hi

they find the dead animals on the roads absolutely horrifying

(i mean they are pretty horrifying)

dan nearly runs over a wombat

they almost get crushed by an emu while kevin drives

wymack and abby sleep the entire time

movies!

high school musical, the lion king, Aladdin, Cinderella, Encanto, The hunger games, mean girls, legally blonde you name it.

so much singing.

andrew and aaron sing bop to the top together and it is amazing

they are in love with rambo (the big merino) ((it's a giant stone ram))

they also love larry (a giant lobster)

that's the end

i cant think of anything else

my brain is broken

~~

Andrew watched as blood seeped from the walls, coating the stone and pooling in the ground below. Skeletal hands reached up from the darkened dirt, clawing and breaking in their attempts to free themselves. There was a low wail that was steadily getting louder, the sound pitching in the back of his skull.

Letting out a low whistle at the display, Andrew raised an unimpressed eyebrow. “Is this supposed to be scary?”

Immediately everything disappeared, the basement bare once more. Shrugging, Andrew sheathed his weapon and climbed the old wooden stairs in the corner. There was no resistance as he opened the door at the top, only the squeak of the rusty hinges. Stepping out of the dark and damp space, Andrew found himself in a kitchen. Sunlight filtered in through the window through the grime in uneven patches, casting the room in yellows and greys.

He was only three steps in when every cupboard door started slamming open and closed, rattling and echoing through the small space. Wincing at the onslaught of noise, Andrew glared at the empty room. He could hear Aaron’s voice in his head, detailing the differences between ghosts and poltergeists and failing to classify whatever this was. He already knew his brother would complain about staying behind, and throw himself into research to try and solve this puzzle. For Andrew though, it didn’t matter.

“If you’re done,” he said to the slamming cupboards, “I’m getting tired of this tantrum.”

There was the final creak of a far door closing, and then it was finally quiet. Slowly, finally, the ghost stepped out into view, slipping into existence like he was walking through a door.

And Andrew realized he was absolutely fucked.

Nathaniel was all deadly glares and sharp anger, his startling blue eyes cold as he stared at Andrew from across the room. Dark auburn hair framed his face and brushed his chin, shifting as if in an invisible current. His clothes were streaked with scarlet, blood dripping onto the floor below him. He was otherworldly in a way Andrew wasn’t prepared for, and he felt his mouth go dry as Nathaniel’s head cocked to the side, exposing the column of his throat.

“Go away,” he said, his voice deeper than Andrew thought it would have been, a little rough around the edges.

Blinking up from where he had been staring at the way Nathaniel’s pants clung to his thighs, Andrew forced himself to remain neutral. He had a job to do. Meeting Nathaniel’s glare easily, Andrew shrugged. “Not until we’re finished.”

If it was possible, Nathaniel’s eyes grew colder. “This is my house and I don’t want you here. Get. Out.”

“You’re dead,” Andrew said, figuring it was best to just get it out in the open.

“You think I don’t know that?” Nathaniel scoffed, and Andrew felt his expression twitch in his surprise.

“Most ghosts don’t,” Andrew said.