im in the house like carpet

“Instead, he only became more and more composed, more and more patient.”

but why even is that? why are your own words so weak? everyone is inside themselves, either looking out or further in. no one holds objectivity, we’re all guided by thought and feeling, colored by our lives and flesh and everything

why is it that youre not allowed to hold a certain belief that’s subject to change? is it not possible for you to simply trust your own opinions? youre allowed to believe and feel something, and, once new information arises, update that accordingly. thats not hypocrisy, and its certainly not immoral.

youre not a bad person for any of this

there are always so many underlying assumptions going on, split-picosecond synapse firings in my head that i never notice. i think this is one of the big ones—the assumption of an observable, objective reality, and to whom said reality belongs to.

in the lovely little place in my head, reality is owned by other people. i may build entire worlds through my own perceptions, but as soon as anyone says something to the contrary, those worlds fall apart instantly. i fail to account for the fact that those contrary words are nothing but their own perceptions

“be more external” is an idea that has completely changed how i view things.

socializing is an external skill, its not internal. youre not supposed to sit and analyze, youre not supposed to be thinking about yourself too much really at all. youre supposed to be focused entirely on whats going on outside your head.

maybe my adhd meds are at fault for this. if so that really does suck huh.

idk mannn

im thinking abt so many things. what im going to do tomorrow, how to be more social, submitting that form for a work permit, and oh how far away is the city hall again? and maybe i should get a haircut soon, like actually soon. maybe instant noodles for lunch. id really better clean this place

but i must purge some words from my head, hoping doing this will make my adhd calm down for once

many exciting things are about to begin. the past month has felt like its taken forever. its very strange to exist in this little in-between state; half-tourist and half-actually-living-here.

ive been feeling like a nuisance to everyone for simply existing, for no reason at all. think ive just been overwhelmed with the desire to not screw things up. really, really getting caught up in trying to not be in the way of people, to take up as little space as possible.it really is my own problem though. sometimes, you really do have to just take a deep breath and fully relax. remind yourself its okay to exist and live in a public space. its a little silly, but its nice to take your time when out and about

anyway, so this in-between state. it really is strange, feeling the pressure of needing to be frugal and money-conscious while Also having so much free-time in another country. the desire to do touristy things is so, So strong. i still want to visit the ocean some time.

but at least starting tomorrow, classes officially begin. i wont be going to campus until tuesday, but still. im so excited to learn, to meet people. it’ll be nice to finally have a purpose in being here. i think the purposelessness is what added to the strangeness of the past month; being here for a specific reason, yet being unable to carry out that reason. it makes you look for new reasons to be here, like tourist experiences and food and whatnot. i dont think ive ever been capable of simply living—no projects, no work, no structure given to me by someone.

this was preferrable to immediately jumping into studying though. plenty of time to settle into living here

having no main Thing to keep myself occupied, no obligation to interact with people and be in a shared space, ive found myself focusing on all the wrong things

overeating, constantly thinking about what my next meal or snack will be because i have nothing else to plan for or look forward to. getting sucked into yt shorts, my feed for which is utterly filled with recipe tiktok reuploads and food reviews and nutrition content… yeah that wasnt helping

and now, ive noticed a big resurgance in classic, teenager-esque self-consciousness. feeling really bad about my skin, how red my face gets, my hair, not being able to pass, etc. clothes ofc. and i think i realized that, what all of that boils down to is worrying about how others will perceive me

and i think, this sudden resurgence in these worries comes from having a lot of free time, and not using it to talk to new people—which i want to do. i just have like, a really weird mental barrier towards entering social interaction without pretense (school, work, party, whatever). couldnt possibly be social anxiety hahahaaaa