Explosives-B

Like I get that people ask “what is gender if not gender roles?” but can we all acknowledge the constraints inherent in gender systems? And like how that can be used to oppress people by creating power dynamics in these roles? And how there is so much more creativity outside of this fricking annoying men do this women do this? And how also these paradigms are built off assumptions of privilege, and so automatically non-white, non-able-bodied, non-middle/upper class, etc. people are at a disadvantage in terms of ‘being a GOOD woman’ or ‘being a GOOD man’?

Like I just don’t get it, yeah. I don’t get why people want this system. I’m not convinced why the current Queering Of Gender is still so invested in reifying these by attributing masculinity to man and femininity to woman so if you’re masc/fem you should be non-binary. And I’m not convinced these the power dynamics that again disadvantage non-white, non-able-bodied, non-middle/upper-class, etc. people aren’t just repeated in this Queering Of Gender system. Like I don’t trust people with these privileges to “make a gender system” that doesn’t perpetuate their privileges within them, yeah.

Which is one thing I do appreciate about truscum, regardless of the other noise that happens sometime, truscum and gender abolitionists and certain flavors of radical feminism (i’m picking my words carefully here lolol) actually incorporate the greater implications of “male is not to masculine and female is not to feminine.”

But it’s tiring, yeah. Because it’s very silencing trying to call this noise out because people are SO SO SO TIGHTLY bound to it. Like someone was seriously telling me how the aggressive masculinity associated with male-ness makes them uncomfortable, so they can’t identify as male anymore and they’re transfeminine now. It’s like. Honey.

but it was nice to be around people I really adore and I got to look cute and I got to dance, and I was propositioned by multiple men which was a big deal and it was a good night.

Because like there's a difference between being told "you look good" and being told "I find you attractive," in that: it is possible to aesthetically appreciate someone while desexualizing them. Similarly, it is possible to fetishize someone while not finding them attractive, but rather the idea of them attractive. And so tonight was the first night I passed while still dressing how I wanted to dress, and people were into my looks. Still, sad things are sad (many things hit at once,just when I thought I was back on my feet, more bad news) so I simply wasnt here for it. I showed up to look cute and dance and get turnt, and all of the above occurred.

I'm also tired of this discussion being headed by white people. Which is to say, the idea that it's "A GENDER GALAXY" or some nonsense, is not new. The fact that we stabilize it like men on one side, women on another, is unnecessary. And so that's why I get annoyed when people say "men, women, and everyone else." Or when people say "men, women, bigender for feminine and masculine like both, agender for not liking either, demiboy if you sorta like being in men as a category not entirely, etc." Similarly, however, the misunderstanding that that means your "gender" can be "deer, star, etc." is untrue. Because gender is not an aesthetic and it is not a personality trait. No more than "race" is an aesthetic or a personality trait. And white people never want to make that jump but I can't describe gender without using a racial metaphor because it's the same social constructivism that is not a devaluing of it--the fact that it's socially constructed doesn't mean it doesn't matter--but it leads to understanding that it's all bullshit. Just because we're dealing with its historical ramifications doesn't mean it's not bullshit.

Gender in the social sense is just that, the social category conferred that you then have to deal with a bunch of ramifications and depending on how ok or not ok you are with these ramifications is where the queer theory of gender identity comes from. Because it only seems to have two categories, it's more susceptible to breakdown. It's like Republicans and Democrats, while they claim to be big two party systems, there's independents who move between and then there's other splinter parties closer to one or the other who still wants the acknowledgment and organizing of an actual party, instead of just "independent."

You can abstain from voting if you think it's all bullshit, but you can't abstain from gender because it's social and other people determine it for you in many ways, and how they determine it for you influences how you think of yourself and "identify." And that's why I get upset, I think. And when you look at African-Americans who say "I don't consider myself black/African-American/etc." it's because they're trying to abstain from this system that is clearly bullshit. And everyone looks around and whispers about it because "oh my goodness, you can't just NOT be a race." because of course, society is constantly inflicting it on you. And how I feel is really the same with gender, I don't want one. And in terms of my dysphoria, that's neither here nor there, it doesn't matter if someone calls me whatever pronouns or whatever name, that's just always there. (which is another can of worms, why people can't understand that)

And like, maybe the creation of "third genders" is the first step in that breakdown. Maybe this is wishful thinking, but just maybe that's where all this starts, in acknowledging difference in gender expression and how that relates to gender identity. And I think the breakdown of "gender identity" as something self-evident is also necessary.

But within that, say we do finally get over this shit and have the breakdown of gender identities based on social shit, way way way in the future. I still want the needs of trans people and dysphoria to be met. And not be met with "it's a social problem, just get over it, just decide not to have dysphoria" etc. but as a medical need. 

Like it's the frustration that people clamoring for more gender options--if you listen to the arguments it's essentially "I don't want to be constrained by gender roles" because "I interact with gender roles in this specific way and in a world that constantly places the two as a parity, I want that acknowledged." But just fuck the goddamn gender roles. Just fuck the goddamn gender roles. And you can do that while still acknowledging the marginalization of those with normatively female sexual differentiation patterns historically and currently, and acknowledging the marginalization of those displaced from male/masculine/man and female/feminine/woman, without reverting to the strengthening of those dichotomies. Because ultimately, that's counter productive.

I've been feeling very drained lately. And I don't quite like the work I do, I don't like running all these workshops and running around wagging my finger "you can't say that!" when someone's going to be really offensive, and I don't like having to repeat party lines for inclusivity points that I don't believe in--I don't think "kink" should be included in "queer" but for the purposes of my job, I have to fucking affirm every person who walks through the fucking door, and sometimes that's hard as shit. But it doesn't matter because that's the job, so I shelf my feelings and deal. But it's frustrating that people assume that means I sign off on puerile nonsense when i don't. Or people think I'm complicit to it or think that trans means some ridiculous definition that means nothing and I just have felt so silenced and like I've taken on this role that I don't really want.

And I like talking about these things sorta, and I like discussing things kinda, but like. There is an upper limit. At the same time, my ego appreciates that I'm the "go to" person to some things. That's a nice feeling. But it's very ungrateful work to do. It's very hard and hurtful and upsetting and people who know NOTHING about what you do, who don't even show up to your meetings, criticize it like they know anything about it. And people who SHOULD know what you do just don't give a shit and spend their time ignoring you and everyone is just constantly being the biggest of the dicks.

And often it's a bunch of people I never showed up for. I don't show up for white kids who whine about how much they think about RACE because omgggg intersectionalityyyy. I don't show up for gendersomethings who just feel like stars. I don't show up for admin who just want diversity points so they can show off their pretty statistics. But they all have an opinion and a criticism and I just am not here for it. And it's also hard because like, as a young person I want to be taken seriously, but it's also frustrating dealing with the nonsense people younger than me always bring up and it's like "I once thought like that. And then I fucking got involved and had life experience and now I realize how ridiculous of an opinion that is." (such as criticizing spaces you have never even come into not once)

There's this uncomfortable fetishization of trans women by dfab gendersomethings that's beginning to get on my nerves. Trans spaces being inundated by gendersomethings who want to be "dfab nb princesses" and all obviously take up a lot of space, like a lot of space, and then they look around and realize O Man No Trans Women Nao, for whom the statistics are often quite unkind and so they fit very well into the pseudo-oppression-olympics-framework sadly, and so in the interest of "representation" they pull some shit.

What shit? Well because there are fewer trans women in the space, it's easier to either completely speak over them by drawing them all as Gorgeous Princess Fairies in comics where literally the sit around being cute and flowers, or they cherry pick the narratives they like best (usually those that coincide with Gorgeous Princess Fairies or some other pastelled out stereotype that fits the Queer Witch Aesthetic) and say O LOOK REPRESENTATION.

By now, you've probably guessed I'm less than enamored by all this. I can talk about the queer witch aesthetic at a later date but basically think hard femme + post punk. An interesting question for that later date is "who can engage in queer witch aesthetic?" because the answer is not actually everyone, regardless of whatever claims of inclusivity you hear.

But that's a tangent. It is flattening of trans women's experiences to pull this shit, even if it's allegedly in exaltation or representation. If there were different kinds of representation out there, I might be more lenient, but instead there's this fascination with the focus of the story driven by how they are trans. If you are writing this story because the character is trans, you shouldn't be writing that story. Your character isn't extra complicated because they are trans, and the "rites of passage" in a transitioning timeline are not substitutions for plotpoints and climaxes. Literally making trans people magical is fucked up. We already have the magical negro and black fairy godmother tropes where literally because black people are SO WISE AND CULTURED AND INTERESTING because they are black, they can impart some of that "interesting," "wisdom," and other validation to a white person. Whether that white person is literally there in the story and your character exists to bolster them, or whether that white person is you, dear writer/artist/etc., both are not cool. Using a trans character to make your comic more interesting because you can't be bothered to do it on your own and to compassionately integrate transitioning with their storyline is the same as your cis main character using a trans character to make their life more interesting because they can't be bothered to do it on their own. And it's extremely uncomfortable when it's done in the guise of allyship and representation. When a bunch of largely-GC cissexual kids pull this shit and get hailed as progressive, I get very tired.