Explorations In My Id

When I was a kid I was teased about my odd interests, about the foods I disliked, or the clothes I preferred to wear, about a lot of things. When I grew up, for a while I tried to hide that side of me. I tried to fit in with other adults, I wore a suit, tried to eat the popular foods and watch the things my peers did. Then one day I realized something: I AM an adult, a grown-up. I can do whatever the f- I want to. If other people don’t like it or think it’s childish that’s a them problem. I like and watch cartoons and anime. If someone doesn’t like it that’s too bad. I don’t like violent or scary movies or shows. I don’t care if ‘everyone’ is seeing something. If I don’t think I’ll like it I don’t go. I can do that, I’m an adult. I also talk ‘oddly’ with a lot of complex words. It’s the result of the stutter I struggled with as a kid. I developed a huge vocabulary because if one word didn’t work, I could swap in another. Some people have told me that I should try to talk ‘normal’. They said the way I talk makes me sound pretentious. I told them to f-off and then asked of that came across as too pretentious. Conversely, people my age eat stuff like cottage cheese and drink coffee. I don’t, I think those are nasty. So I have peanut butter sandwiches, or pudding, or sometimes mac & cheese if I feel like it and drink sweet tea or Pepsi. Why? Because I like it and I’m an adult and can do what I want.

My partner mentioned this one day when I was wondering out loud where I wanted to ride next.

“Oh yeah, but uh, no.”

“Why not?”

How do I explain this. You see yes we got along really good when I worked there. We had some laughs, went through some good times, and some bad. It was great. But that was when I worked there. I quit five years ago. I learned long ago that there are coworkers and there are friends. I can be friendLY with coworkers but as soon as we aren’t working together it’s over. In the past I have tried to keep a relationship going, emails, that sort of thing after I left a job. It never worked. The only thing keeping us together was that we worked for the same company. Proof? After I leave a place nobody ever tried to call me up, meet at the pub, or anything. The couple of times I tried to stop in to say hi at my old place of work, it felt awkward and weird because I didn’t work there anymore.

So no I’m not going to swing by the shop to see everybody.

For me my triggering thing is money. Not that we are in trouble with that but I have always had trouble dealing with financial things. Right now I’m doing the paperwork to close one account and consolidate it into another one at a different institution. The sort of thing that people do a million times per year. For most people it’s not a big deal. But for me it is. You see there is a deep dark part of my psyche that is convinced that those on the other end are looking for a way, any way, to rip me off. I tried doing these forms myself and I just couldn’t. I got a few things entered, wasn’t sure what they were asking for, and panicked, literally panicked. So yesterday I met with an investment person at my Credit Union, that’s where the money is going to. She went through the form and got things sorted out. I just needed to bring the forms home, enter their handwritten information and changes, and then send them off to the investment company.

Unfortunately today while I was doing that I found another error and I lost it. I just freaked out and had a meltdown. You see I am CONVINCED on a deep visceral level that if I send these forms in with an error, any error, the tiniest most microscopic little thing, one digit in a 32 digit number string, the right data in the wrong place, a font they don’t like, they will have their chance. The company will blame the credit union, who will blame the company, then both will blame me, and my money will have vanished like a playing card in the hands of a magician. The rational part of me is telling me that isn’t how it works. That if there’s an error they will check with me and sort it out. But the emotional part of me just panics. I just cannot trust people or even worse companies when it comes to money.

This is why I just hate dealing with financial things like this. I KNOW I will screw it up and I KNOW that it will leave me broke. Yes in school I went through a couple of classes about that sort of thing and I did very well. But that was theoretical.That wasn’t real money. That wasn’t MY real money. My partner on the other hand is great with financial things. They balance our check books, and they decide on investments, and let me know when I need to do something about taxes, and all of that stuff. Because of this though, they just can’t understand why I have so much trouble with it. They just shake their head and laugh it off. But for me I just find taxes, and investments, and insurances, and accounts, and retirements, and all of that terrifying and overwhelming.

Ok, now that I’ve started eating it’s just cheese and sliced ham

It’s 6:00. I guess I should have some dinner.

Am I hungry?

I, uh…I don’t know. I mean it is TIME to eat.

Yeah but is that why I want to eat something, because it’s what most people do about now, or do I actually feel hungry?

I don’t know.

I know, I’ll go into the kitchen and see what looks good.

<walks into the kitchen and looks around>

What’s in the fridge? Huh…nothing that looks good. There’s some leftovers, but I don’t think so, besides I’d have to put them on a plate and heat them up. Afterwards I would need to wash the plate. Naaaaa, it’s not worth the effort.

Slice of cheese? Oh, well, that’s an idea I guess so yes…but actually no. It’s just not sounding good right now.

<closes the fridge and spots a bowl on the counter>

I could have a piece of fruit? Naaaa, that doesn’t sound good right now either. An apple is a lot and I hate the feel of biting into them. A banana just has no appeal right now.

<laughs at the inadvertant pun>

Let’s keep looking.

How about a cookie? A nice chocolate chip cookie. I like those, but Naaaa not right now. I think I should have some real food, not a treat. Same goes for chips, or crackers. They’re too salty and greasy. I don’t want to resort to junk food, again. No if I’m going to eat something I think it’s supposed to be something good, something nutritious.

<looks in the cupboard>

Soup? I could open a can? I mean I could, but Naaaa, I don’t think I’d eat a whole can of soup. Then the leftovers would end up in the fridge and I’d have to deal with them later. Plus there’s the whole washing dishes thing again. I just don’t think I have the energy to do that.

<chuckles at not having the spoons to wash a spoon>

Well then, what should I have?

Do I really need to eat? Am I just bowing to conventional wisdom?

No, no, let’s not go through that again. I really should eat something, but what?

How about a slice of bread?

Naaaaa, but that’s so plain.

Well, I could put something on it. There’s meat and cheese in the fridge.

Well yeah, but…making a sandwich is a lot like cooking and I’m not really feeling like cooking.

Ok then so how about peanut butter?

On the bread?

Yeah, simple, easy, only dirties one butter knife. That might be the thing.

<five minutes later I have the peanut butter out, but not the bread. I’ve gotten distracted trying to clean the peanut butter from the sides of the jar with the knife so it looks better.>

Someone with autism, such as myself is an Autistic Person. (At least that’s the form I prefer)