jen

“sometime later in my life, when i’ll be in my 30s, i’ll look back to these days and i’ll be so proud i made it out alive. this is the image i keep in mind when tough times come around. i fixate my eyes on the future, my future and i imagine myself as a fully grown adult. now, i don’t know where i’ll end up, what am i going to be doing or who i will become but there is only one detail i care about, and that is if i’ll be there at all.”

“you said. if it is meant to be. fate will bring us back together. for a second i wonder if you are really that naive. if you really believe fate works like that. as if it lives in the sky staring down at us. as if it has five fingers and spends its time placing us like pieces of chess. as if it is not the choices we make. who taught you that. tell me. who convinced you. you’ve been given a heart and a mind that isn’t yours to use. that your actions do not define what will become of you. i want to scream and shout it’s us you fool. we’re the only ones that can bring us back together. but instead i sit quietly. smiling softly through quivering lips thinking. isn’t it such a tragic thing. when you can see it so clearly but the other person doesn’t.”

“you and i are like north and south, as much as we try to push ourselves together there’s an opposite force pushing us apart. maybe it’s me. maybe i am scared to love you. but, maybe it’s you and you’re learning that you deserve more.”

“Apologies to a 15 year old me I’m sorry I’ve dyed and cut and permanently straightened your hair so much- it was better the way it was and now it will never be the same. I’m sorry I quit gymnastics- I know you loved it. And soccer and track and tennis and skiing and the piano. I’m so, so sorry- I was lazy. But you don’t regret it as much as you thought you would. I’m sorry I didn’t use more of that cream on your scar or maybe I’m sorry I used as much as I did- because now, 10 years later, you’re still not comfortable with it and it puts a strain on a lot of your relationships. But know that you’ve grown to accept that it’s part of who you are and there is no you without that scar. I’m sorry I hurt that boy you cared about so much once you finally got him. You’ll know who I’m talking about in three years. That is something I didn’t mean, that was a mistake. On the topic of boys, I’m sorry I’ve done more with boys you would never have even wanted me to talk to. But you’ll understand what it’s like to not use your brain. It’ll take a few years though because you always use yours now and you won’t actually start drinking until junior year of college. But one day in 2009 and then again in 2011 and 2016, you’ll understand what it’s like to fall so quickly for someone you shouldn’t. I’m sorry that I didn’t live up to everything you and everyone else knew I could be. I’m sorry that I haven’t been able to buy dad a car yet and I didn’t get into Harvard Law and I don’t have a secret modeling career on the side. I’m also sorry that everyone else led you to believe you could do anything in the world and be amazing at it because sometimes that’s just not possible and it has nothing to do with you or how amazing you are. I’m sorry you eventually forget most of your languages and stop trying to learn them but you pick up a little bit of a few new ones and you eventually make it out of the country. And sorry, but you hate it. Lastly, I’m sorry your current crush gets married in college (not to you) and I’m sorry your next crush won’t give you the time of day and I’m sorry your amazing SAT scores still weren’t enough for Columbia and I’m sorry that I didn’t try in high school because maybe if I did, they would have been. And I’m sorry you lose touch with your current best friends but it’s okay, really. And I’m sorry, but no, the boys in high school don’t ever give you the attention you for some reason want but they’re all fat and bald now and you’re somehow even more pretty. And I know it might not sound like it, but you are so happy right now. You get that sister-like best friend you always wanted, you stay up until 5am laughing your ass off with friends and strangers more times than you can count, you still have abs, you have a job that let’s you afford the most expensive shoes you want, you get more boys than you know what to do with, you graduate from the best college you could have chosen summa cum laude, you have neighbors that show up at your door with wine and ice cream (yes, seriously), you learn so many new games and expressions that you love, Grandma makes it to 100, you still have the coolest uncle around, and it takes 7 more years but you finally get your first puppy. Oh and most of all, you haven’t lost sight of who you are. And you never, ever can. Shine bright, you crazy diamond. I love you and everything you become.”

“you’ve turned your pain into flowers, and while you may have a certain glow about you that attracts different people, you have the right to refuse access of yourself to anyone trying to pluck you from your roots so they may benefit off all the hard work you’ve put into yourself.”

I will go,