MUSINGS

Thoughts about The Grownup by Gillian Flynn?

Matagal tagal na rin akong hindi nakakakuha ng text sa madaling araw na humihingi ng tawad.

Matagal tagal na rin akong di sumasagot ng “No problem. It’s okay. It was fun while it lasted.” Nakasanayan ko na ata yang phrase na yan. Normal na sakin.

Matagal tagal na rin akong hindi nagse self-pity at nagtatanong kung ano bang maling ginawa ko, ano bang kulang, anong bang problema sakin.

Matagal na rin akong di umiiyak.

Matagal tagal na rin akong hindi naawa sa sarili ko. 

Sabi ng nakakararami, normal lang ang magmahal at masaktan. Normal lang na minsan sa buhay ng isang tao nag maiwan, lumuha at magmaka awa dahil sa nawalang pag-ibig. Parte raw ito ng buhay para maging matatag,matapang at maging handa sa panibagong pag-ibig na darating. Pero ang tanong ko, gano karaming beses ba para maging handa?

Sa dami ng beses ng pagkalugmok, sa dami ng mga lalaking nangako at lumisan - tumigil na ko sa paniniwala na mayroon pang pag-ibig na iba. 

Yung pag-ibig na di ka ikakahiya, di ka gagawing panakip butas, di ka gagawing pagparausan, hindi ka pag mumukhaing tanga at di ka paglalaruan. 

Akala ko wala na, hanggang nakilala kita.

Matagal tagal na rin akong hindi nakaramdam ng pag-ibig na tunay. Yung buo, yung kumpleto, yung walang tinatago, yung sigurado.

Matagal tagal na rin akong hindi tumatawa habang hawak ang kamay ng iba at tumatawid sa daan.

Matagal tagal na rin akong hindi gumigising sa umaga na may mga good morning at I love you texts. Matagal tagal na rin akong hindi nagfi-feeling highschool. Ang sarap pala kiligin (at hindi lang sa ihi).

Matagal tagal na rin akong hindi umaasa, pag sinabi nyang tatagal tatagal tayo - at tayo sa huli. Sayo, naniniwala ako. Ayusin mo ah haha.

Matagal tagal na rin mula nung huling tinignan ko ang sarili ko sa salamin at sinabing, “sapat ka, hindi ka problema”. 

I wanted to say thank you because I had a lot of fun with you. Though it may be just through video calls and texts, it was fun. We had really great conversations, it was easy and it was so simple. I never had to fake once. You are that one guy that I really liked that I literally always wanted to come back. I don’t think I’d ever get over you, to be honest. You were my ideal guy in so many different ways. You’re smart – you carry yourself beyond your age. You’re so funny, and you have the cutest smile. And you’re so cute. Seriously, you look so good. And I don’t think I would ever meet someone like you again. Every time I think about it – I try to see what went wrong. But I can’t really pinpoint, maybe we’re just in the wrong timing. Or maybe because we’re far from each other, or probably because I’m older or maybe because you’re younger. I don’t know, or maybe it’s just wasn’t meant to be.

If I’d be the one to choose, I’d really wanted to date you or be in a relationship with you. But sometimes there are so many reasons behind every wanting that I now it wouldn’t work. I don’t want to push myself on waiting too much on you, because you know I’m not like that. I wanted you to like me because you know it’s what you’re supposed to do. Not because that’s what we think should happen.