For Brunie, Forever

I leave this past weekend with a broken heart & no purpose in this world other than you, I'll wait for you, maybe in time you'll give me a chance to love you again, maybe I can show you I'm better than I was when we first met, I'm sorry but I can't give up on you, your existence in my life has given me so much comfort and reason, I love you, I love you so much and I always will, I'll die loving you, even if you don't love me I'll love you, I love you so much even as the tears roll out of me as I write this, I will never stop loving you, and I'll wait for you, I hope we can be together in the end, I want to be your husband, and keep you to myself, protected from this painful world

I don't like that you moved on from me without giving me a real chance, I'm not saying I was owed one, but I put so much effort and love into making it known I was ready and willing to stand up for your heart, finding out that the months we spent together this time around, the late nights, early mornings, and every bit of fun in-between, you were in love with someone else in the background, to find that out so suddenly and find out it's been going on for so long has crushed me, I feel like a third wheel & a cuckold, I'm a pathetic loser, but I still love you and that will never change, I can't just give up on you, and I never will

So with my broken heart, and failing will to live in this world, I'll stay by your side, letting you know I'm here for you, to support you, and to love you, I don't want to become a fading memory to you, and I don't want to live without you, I want to marry you, and I'll carry that desire until the day I fucking die and even then I'll find you in whatever next world there is and kiss you there, I'll wait for you, and I'll never give up on you

If you ever read this, I want you to know I'm still in love with you even as you read these words, and I'm waiting in case you'd like to share your heart with me forever

Last night we had a genuinely open, honest and hurtful discussion about everything Brunie, and it felt good to not have to dance around topics and throw everything at the world, it hurt to say some things but also freeing to release those words, as I now release more here

I always considered you my girlfriend & it hurts that you don't even remember my first time calling you my girlfriend, that changes so much of our history up until now, I was at a bad time in my life when we first fell in love & I couldn't take the pressure, but you gave me purpose and the strength to be open with myself & when it felt like we were back together it was really defeating to find out you didn't see it that way, that I was scared to commit, I was finding excuses not to be with you & it felt like you didn't have faith when I said I loved you, well, I love you and I mean it

I wish I said on more occasions that you were my girlfriend and I your boyfriend, it felt so good to say it for the first time, but it wasn't enough I should've kept reminding you that you are mine, but to find out that when it felt like we could finally be together again, you were already elsewhere with someone else, is absolutely heart-breaking and for me to have to find out as I did was not okay, even if you didn't want to hurt me, you've damaged my heart & it still bleeds today

I don't draw for you every single day, I don't write notes for you to show you on walks every day because I have to, I do it because I love you, I don't buy you things because I have to or else you'll leave me, I do it because I love you, every action I've taken when it comes to you was to prove I love you, but you kept seeing it an excuse or fear, or not truly there, that's not fair for you to assume that, in the time we've known each other we have barely ever had genuinely deep discussions about our feelings for each other, we just assumed what the other was thinking

I am in deep, eternal love with a woman that has the prettiest face, my nickname for her is Brunie, when we first met my heart did something It'd never truly done before, it started hurting when she wasn't around, I had never had this kind of feeling for anyone in my life but Brunie was different, special, from the first moment together I fell in love with a woman I want to spend the rest of my life with, and I messed up every chance I had to get closer with her, I can't take the pain I now feel from her moving away from me, I want her to be happy, but I want to be the one to give her that happiness so bad

I have lived a life of loneliness and pain, both of which I had simply become used to and caged myself with both emotions, until Brunie arrived, and she truly freed me from this cage, but I wasn't honest and open with her when it truly mattered, I was scared to show her more of me, in case she'd leave me, detest me, but she never did, the deeper we got the more I loved her and I felt comfortable, but I couldn't escape those feelings of being scared, and I drove her away

I had another chance to prove myself to her, I told her I'd be by her side in no time & we'd lose our minds together with the silliest of adventures, but I wanted to give her more, so I bought her more, and more, and more but from where I saw this as wanting to give her everything because I loved her, she thought I was scared & that was simply finding any excuse to delay our time together, she would tell me she didn't care for the things and simply wanted me there sooner but I was blinded by my love for her that I wanted to give her anything I could at any opportunity and that pushed her away again

She would ask now and again why I would give her things, why I did the things I did for her, and I would spout the same line about making her and her family happy makes me happy, but I should've been blunt and simple with my answer, everything I do, I do because I love you