Where's The White Serenity?

So today after doing some light reading, I was mulling a lot about the bird hitting the window. I was hoping to relieve some stress so I engaged in one of my favorite tarot readers newest video about Soulmates/Twin Flames. This video involved picking a deck that had different stones a top. There was a clear quartz, rose quartz, and onyx. I chose the rose quartz because when I think of soulmates/twin flames I think of the purity of love which for me blends into a pink shade. Not too powerful, but not too weak... not too aggressive but not too passive. A neutral that can exist because it was too aggressive. A part of me is extremely involved in tarot readings because I enjoy having queer POC readers/astrologers impart their magic and power in a way that I can hope to absorb. A part of me also struggles with the notion that “this might not be real” and think very realistic and capitalistic about it. I wanted to see what was presented and connect, if possible. The rose quartz reading hit me hard. It mentions a lot of pain. My twin flame/soulmate is not with me because “they love themselves enough to leave” but “leaving was painful for them”. Bronx mentioned that it seemed that we were both in a period/entering a period of pain that would not benefit us mutually. This person based off of the cards could be a Leo.. could be a Pisces because of the 3rd month... but ALSO could be an Aries. My signals were Names and Smoke. I may be seeing/hearing this person’s name a lot or see images in smoke that could be in close relation to them. The basis of our “not being together” is that we both need to heal and need the separation... to surrender fear and face the trauma. My stomach was swirling because it made me immediately think of Sara. She left because she thought we were both busy and we were. I was struggling with work, eventually school, and the large weight of Kiley on my shoulder. She was handling work and having to take care of her father in England (which she would be taking a trip to). She ended our “whatever it was” by mentioning that it would be best for her to separate because despite enjoying time spent with me, her life needed to be in place first. She was nervous to tell me and apparently took a while to admit it until I one day texted to check in. I remember feeling very void at work when she sent that to me, but I respected it because I couldn’t stop her from living her life. I kept thinking a lot about her and missed her. One day on a Sunday, I remember serving a drink that her best friend Ameera, who I never met but knew from photo, picked up after giving me a smile and very kind eye contact. I knew Sara loved Flour and I wouldn’t be surprised if she brought her best friend with her. She’d never been to the Central Sq. one and I didn’t see her that day so I assumed it was coincendence. My mind wavers because I felt like Sara and I didn’t have much of a chance to really see what our connection could be. Watching Bronx’s video today ignited a strong desire to want to see her again, see her smile, and just be a shy human around her. If it’s meant to be that we do connect, I would feel great about that. If we don’t, I can’t control the destiny of our lives. Seeing that video today and getting a rush of these feelings made me just reminisce and breathe a little. I don’t want to be hung up on her if it’s not meant to be because I wouldn’t be living my life the way I should be. Yet, it would be such a great pleasure to be hung up on her.