Existential Screaming

(23 February 2026)

You would rather defend a stranger

Than protect me from them

You judge me for my anger

But don't see the fear within

I always have to hide and curl

Just to make myself a smaller target

Scared to say the wrong thing

To just become meat on the market

Your protection is conditional

To how much I agree with you

If I’m slightly unreasonable

There is suddenly nothing left to do

You say you will go through fire

But once I bare my teeth and claws

You stumbled back and grab the torches

3 sept 2025

.

Time extends the rippling sorrow

Stretches it out over tomorrow

My bones crackling like chains

My body locks me in my cage

.

Every tomorrow is filled with pain

Why is every day the same

Fighting to exist and breathe

But having a life is out of reach

.

I will never have a wedding

So lay the flowers on the coffin

All the faces that will forget

If I were to give up my humanity to have a body without pain and a mind without emotions I would give up my heartbeat. There is nothing of my person that I wouldn’t trade, because no action  fuelled by my emotions ever left a good result. I am flawed, I am broken both beyond repair. You might see my flaws as beautiful, but they cause me endless pain. I never feared losing myself, because I am not attached to who I was. But who I could be is a distant dream I reach for. It is easier to dream yourself into a god, than to accept your own reflection. And I will try to improve myself until I am whole, instead of the husk I have created out of myself.  

I live in distance from myself, no longer attached to the outside. I can see a thousand faces looking back in the mirror except for my own. I can see clearly but none of what I see will matter to my memories. This puppet I am moving is still surviving, after all this time it still is. There will never be a place for me to rest, except for continued movement until I can finally reach eternity. The numbness has overtaken me and I cannot see if a face looks at me with anger or affection. All I know is that I don’t want to go back to becoming human. I know I am running, but running I shall because I have been trapped by these broken legs for too long. I don’t want to know the person I am, I want to be the person I could be. And in this solitude I find company, knowing that at least I will never be broken again. 

“i will always care for you” you say

Except when you don't feel like it

“You are my priority” you vouch

Unless someone else comes around

Never someones first choice

Or an option to reach out to

Either an entertainment or a nuisance

Left because someone better came along

I'm always chasing people that don't want me

Or being chased by someone I have to entertain

The friends that want me around always have someone else

That they rather spend their time with

I asked for some company

But someone elses time is more valued

Or just push me away out of the blue

Not making any effort in seeing me

The only ones chasing me

Think of me as their manic pixie dream girl

You say you don't have a preference

But leave all responsibility on me

I have to be your muse

Your entertainment, your clown

Without putting in anything from yourself

Having no passion or intent, to invest anything in me