what a waste

As defiant as I’ve been, multiply that many times and that is where I am on the scale of pain.

I’m self destructive. I’m severely physically punishing myself all the time for having put us all in this place in life.

I can say without hesitation that in spite of how self righteous and stubborn I’ve been over certain things, I see now that it all pales in comparison to you.

I’m enslaved to you. I am and always have been, your property. I certainly have not been the best behaved dog but the fact remains I am yours and can belong nowhere else and to no-one else including myself.

Without you I have driven myself to the point of utter collapse. I have no reason to exist outside of you and your children. I know I don’t have the authority to make reparations any more.

I beg you. Say the word, give the order. I would drop anything and everything and run back to you without hesitation. The obvious has been blatantly forced in my face that I’m completely incapable and useless without you as my master, my purpose.

Looking now, I can’t believe that I ever imagined it any other way. I’m a total fool for having hurt you with my delusional mindsets. I knew but didn’t want to admit that I could never exist outside of your gravity.

I recognize now, sadly only after having insighted so much destruction, that since the moment we met my place was only ever truly to be the adoring clay in your hands.

Please! Please! My angel, my goddess! Come take me by the hand. Come and guide me to fix myself and show me my place as your servant. For without connection to you I’m emaciated and can barely stand on my own.

I’m beaten and broken but I can be fixed. I would fix myself for you. I need you in order to do it though. Otherwise I’m finished.

It’s not worth it without you. You are the only fuel that has ever truly propelled me.

Oh my goddess! Please please please

It is so cliche … but everything about my life anymore is.

Living the heartbreak so long written in song and portrayed in film. If you’ve never lived it, it almost seems fake. You can never begin to fathom it really, until you are actually in it.

The love lost between a sweet and loving woman and family and their man who was once adored, their hero and proud provider, gets lost in struggling with himself and his dark personal demons and is now broken.

Still… all anyone can seem to suggest are vague directives. “Get a hold of yourself”, “You need to find a way to change”, “You need to get help” …nearly everyone of these people convey their love, caring and concern… all while staying at double arms length and seemingly ready to turn and run.

It’s one thing to be lonely. It’s another thing to be heartbroken. Lonely, heartbroken and lost in hopelessness seems to be almost certainly a death sentence.

As it stands today anyway, at least in my eyes.