faithfully

Relationships require that each person be present, u know? Nothing special, nothing new. I know this. U know this. We know this. But in response to feeling Always Tethered there has been an almost mass miscommunication. The capitalistic fatigue driven tenuous dis/connection. To respond to ur text is to drain myself of energy. To answer your phone call is to exercise the part of my brain I only just quieted. Can’t we pick this up a week from now? A month from now? Next year? By then my vigor will have returned. Conversations surrounding the “millennial milieu” of technological affects on “society” r banal; I am not looking 2 add to the cacophony by creating an illusion of discourse. I’m just thinking about my life out loud. Lately I’m even more tired of pulling away than I am the inundation of mechanized exhaustion, of responsive disengagement. Not looking to always be available, but am looking for contact. Cannot find closeness when u are always turning away and being turned away from. We must meet in the middle. Bleeding heart emoji from me 2 U

Crying while explaining is a different level of pain.

you’re sitting across from me in a shitty diner in anywhere, america, and i watch you pour too much creamer in your coffee and i think “i love you.” you look up, catching me staring, and for a moment i think i’m brave enough to say it, but i take too long and the moment passes. i take the balled up straw wraper and flick it at you, pretending that was my plan all along. you laugh. i never want to go another day without hearing that laugh. i think i will have all the time in the world to say it.

i come home to you after a long week away. you crawl into my lap, rest your head on my shoulder, and wrap your arms around me tight. the wear and the stress of being away melt off of me, and i am home again. i kiss the crown of your head, breathing in your sweet scent, and close my eyes. this is where i am meant to be.

“Humans are wired to return an embrace, to hold each other; they instinctively look for a body to press against, warmth to garner and distribute. If someone recoils, it has been bred into them through trauma […]” :(

i wake up early, before the sun rises, to hold you in the in-between space of day and night. you almost stir, consciousness grazing the surface, before sighing and settling into the curves of my body. if i could freeze this moment, stretch it out into forever, i would. but then, i realize, i will already have a forever full of little moments like these.

tbh i just want someone i could cuddle with all night long watching old disney movies 

not to be dramatic but the trauma of being a daughter is real and my relationship with my mother is and will always be one of the most devastating and complex relationships i will ever experience