d r o w n i n g

I usually do that but with nineties movies and music, not so much the shows. Then again I was never a big tv person. Yes! I remember those, oh my god, I actually never could open them. I don’t know how a kool-aid drink managed to get the best of me but it did every time. 

Right!? It must have been like cuz we had baby hands back then. Like either that or like the Kool-Aid company was all for making drinks just totally child proof and shit. But ok, hold up. You weren’t a tv person? Cuz like I mean how did you live a life without like Lizzie Mcguire or That’s So Raven and all the best shows. Like for real, man. 

Listen, when Nick and Disney do that stupid thing where they play those old shows like Powerpuff Girls and Fresh Prince and like, Lizzie McGuire, it’s just like a reminder of how old I’m getting. Like, I remember when those episodes first aired, I waited all week, and now their flashback episodes? What the hell. 

Yo, we’re barely on the verge of old, man. We’re so incredibly like youthful it’s not even funny. I mean have you seen my glow. How dare you. Cuz like if you’re old then that makes me friggin ancient and um ok like how dare you do me like that, bro. 

Do you watch them and just hit yourself with all the clever pop culture references and sex jokes they slipped in, because children show writers were ruthless with them. Especially Disney, they were savage with their Easter eggs. 

Honestly, dude. Like they were the cleverest fucking writers. Do you ever wonder how much like they’re probably just chillin’ in their mansions and like smirking at themselves for their cleverness. But ok, what? Easter eggs? What inside sex joke was that one from, dude. I don’t remember that one. And like I try to remember them all and shit.

i think i kind of know what your talking about but it don’t know a nosto-whatever knife is and i know about a lot of knives. are those like for cooking, and not for hunting? those kool-aids were freakin’ awesome but nothing could beat my momma’s lemonade she made it with a lot of sugar and it was amazing.

Bristol: yo yo yo yo my homie!!!

Bristol: guess what guess what guess wHAT

Ariel: dude, you know i'm no good at like guessing games

Ariel: pls don't pull this with me you win by default and stuff just tell

I give a shit, bro. Like you’re willing to dress in anything for me, the least I can do is make sure you feel alright in whatever you’re wearing, you know? I am definitely not working that pole and making pervs my bitch, ew, that’s pretty gross. The pervs bit is what’s gross not the pole bit. I want to actually learn how to pole dance, you know when that could come in handy, you know?

Dude, you’re clearly new to this whole wedding thing. LIke no ones supposed to like outshine the bride. I won’t do it, man. I won’t. I mean I’ve heard working the pole is good exercise, but like I’m getting the biggest vibe that this is more about your favorite president, am I right?

But I don’t want you wearing something you’re not comfortable in, you know? You’re the best best man a woman can ask for, has anyone told you that? God bless you, definitely. I would probably end up a stripper or running around doing weird ass shit if I didn’t have you around.

Who gives a shit if I’m comfortable, man. This is like you’re royal wedding and shit. I’d walk up in a barrel or one of those hideous like swan dress things if that’s what you really wanted. It’s totally just your wedding, ya know, bro? I’d look ridiculous and sacrifice my just like comfortability stuff just for you. Whatever, man. If being a stripper is what you’d wanna do I’d totally support that. Work that pole and make those pervy old men just your bitch, ya feel. I mean I’d have no friggin room to judge with my line and work and shit.

i’m so tired of all the male superhero movies. marvel had time to do like a billion spiderman movies, dc had time to do like a billion batman movies, yet neither of them have had time to make girl superhero or girl supervillain movies? how the fuck is this fair? i hate the world of cinema more and more every day. i should become a movie director or producer just so i can direct or support the production of pro-female movies. 

Ok, but I mean like to be fair they have done like Elektra and Cat Woman. Although, on the other hand it’s been like eight or nine years or something, I don’t know. Something like that, math’s not my thing. It’s still definitely unfair and I mean they’re making like a Wonder Woman movie and a Black Widow movie. I just like definitely want more Harley. I want my favorite friggin girls you know. Like yeah, whoopie Wonder Woman’s cool and shit but I would totally love to see my main villains. That’s it. I totally feel like I’m just straight like condesending myself at this point but I definitely swear I’m speaking the truth..admist all the just straight nonsense.

I don’t know why people enjoy that. Their relationship is even more toxic than Poison Ivy is. I’m not too sure about that after all, Ariel. I was reading an interview one of the writers gave and they said they’ll portray the abusive relationship, but she eventually figures out the truth behind the relationship she has with the Joker. Well hopefully she leaves him for good. I know exactly. Everyone forgets she’s this intelligent woman who is still a psychiatrist. I think Arkham’s background on Harley was one of the most pitiful ever made. Not even two seconds after meeting with the Joker she starts to fall in love with him. Where’s the characterization here people! – Great I’ll bring a few comics and I’ll save our spot when you need to pee. We got this is bag, Ariel. Everyone else will be jealous at our multitasking talent. And you would make a beautiful Harley Quinn. Intelligent, beauty and humour. You’ve got it all. 

Oh, sweet, man. Dude, maybe they’re doing the New 52 thing where they have that weird gorily just like epic battle, ya know? I’m definitely like crossing my figners and knocking on wood just totally hoping for that one. Especially sense it’s Margrot Robbie. The just totally beautiful Australian Queen. She’ll kick Leto ass, let’s be real. But seriously, nothing pissed me off more then the way they met in that stupid video game. They hardly did my girl any justice. I mean like I totally get how it’s just like a game and all and they have to make time for everything. But seriously, folks?! It would have legitly only taken like a couple more minutes to give Harley the right amount of character development she just totally friggin deserved. That’s just like what I think anyways, bro. Hell yeah they will be. We’ll be like the most prepared, radest friggin pair in that long ass line. I know it and I can see it coming, man. Oh, stop. I mean you’re totally overselling me and Harley Quinn, but it’s definitely not like I’m about to interject or anything. I’ll totally accept it. 

They are making a solo Wonder Woman movie. In like 2017 or maybe its 2018 I can’t remember - I know it’s on their list, though. Along with a Black Widow movie as well, because I know you’re into that shit. Apparently they’re trying to get Angelina Jolie to direct it, but that might just be a really cruel rumor. But, it’s also Batman - and they can’t get any worse than that awful one with George Clooney one that even he is so disappointed with - and honestly, it’s terrible but it’s the best thing that ever happened. Batman and Robin is honestly my favorite movie ever made. I don’t know, she’s great and everything - it must be my opinion on Scarlett just as a person and as an actress, but whatever. I don’t understand the hype, I guess? She’s just marvel’s girl, you know? They hardly ever give diversity in these movies, they just throw in a few girls and one person of color - who is usually just a black man, hardly ever do they broaden their horizons, which isn’t all bad I guess, but I’d just really, I wish they’d just not do that. It’s just always the same generic white faces on those movies, and it’s kind of annoying? Like, they have cool muscles or whatever, they’re just so average. I don’t know, I get really annoyed. Like, she’s cool, whatever, but like? I don’t get it. Anyways, I’m not trying to discredit the little diversity in those movies either, because casting Michael B. Jordan and Anthony Mackie and Colbie Smulders and Sam Jackson in these movies are great - but like it’s just - there’s so much more they could be doing, like I want a movie with full POC and not these totally average white people. Yeah, I remember that, he like got filmed or recorded yelling at some extras or whatever on set, and that was for The Dark Knight Rises, so. He didn’t rack in any awards for The Dark Knight - which was honestly such a sweep. He could’ve gotten like best actor or whatever. 

I’d totally watch the Black Widow movie over Wonder Woman. Like not even gonna lie, dude. Wonder Woman is just like a meh super hero to me. Just super cliched and shit, ya feel? Don’t get me wrong like I totally appreciate her just like stopping crime and shit but like Black Widow knows how to walk up into a room and put down all those bitches with like barely breaking a friggin nail, you know? Like shit. I’m all for a girl who can kick serious ass. Dude, what are you talking about? Like they’re not throwing characters together like that. I mean I definitely doubt the way their meetings go is like alright we need to please those tumblr activists that are gonna be all in our shit about not haveing diversity. That would be totally just awful if it was but I mean I wanna have some serious hope that there’s a lot more thought than just let’s throw a few girls and a black guy in there cuz people will be all over our ass. I mean for one thing a lot of these characters were made in the fucking fifties, you know? There weren’t a whole lot of open minded people back then and shit. They were probably only thinking of that strong like bread winner male dude, ya feel me? It’s all just like a really big mess but I mean I get it, dude. You’re more a DC comics guy, right? They’re way more intense. I totally get that. Oh my god, Cato. I’m pretty sure it was still just like the Dark Knight he was being a dick in, but I don’t know. All I know is he’s not Batman anymore so..I guess problem solved, right? 

Would you wear a tux or a dress? You have the body for both anyways. I’ll write it down on who to invite to my next wedding and what they’re going to be. I’ll make sure you’re the best man for me. Ha, that rhymed! Thanks, bro, what would I do without you.

Look, this is your wedding, man. I’ll wear whatever you tell me to. That’s like my whole gig as best man and shit, ya know? Like throw me in whatever and I’ll rock it like the best man does, alright? I’m just there to smile for pictures, accomidate to you, and just straight make your presidental wedding kick serious ass. But honestly, who know where you’d be, bro. You’d probably be dead or in a ditch or something. God bless me, am I right?

Massages along with champagne never have been the worse option a gal could chose from. You would do that just for me? This why we’ll always be soulmates no matter what, Ariel. 

Damn straight, man. I’m always down for keeping it class with a good, tall glass of like the finest champagne, ya know? I’d take this any day over just chillin on some sidelines. Hell, we could just make it like a full on treat yourself kind of day. nails, hair, massages, the works, dude. All courtsey of your true soulmate.