Everything Is Connected

Year One, I suppose. Or Zero, perhaps. A retreat, perhaps.

The great unravelling from the truth of trying.  Even the indecision that cuts these words and reforms and being too afraid to speak. Again. Because comfort keeps me retreating. From this, and so you, and from work.

From work. I had written 'I am beginning to enjoy work' and that broke the spell, perhaps. 

Searching, I've been searching through my mind for words. They're not ripe and ready for picking, but are twisted into themselves and convoluted and setting them out neatly outside myself is... problematic. 

To name the thing is to break the spell. 

And does it work both ways?

'I am getting tumbled every which way and I lose track of all the abstract things that follow me around.'

Here is a list of abstract things:

Brushing my teeth Broaden understanding Pay attention to dreams Learn deeply when reading Maintaining an online presence Making vague structural improvements Buying the right amount of food for the week Taking distractions into account while planning Keeping in contact with current and potential collaborators Knowing where I want to find myself later on down the line

New shoes on the table/break the old spells which are habits like the staff of magi and will (with the roll of a D100) in half of all cases send the breaker to another plane of existence and in all other cases be destroyed by the explosive release of the spells.

Kill or cure. Point of no return.

Happiness will beckon me with open arms And I will turn away from it For I grow tired of the song you sing Before it's hardly started

Another damp day and I'm picking up the pieces Broken eggs my future plans for Autumn Swept away by the monotony of doing what you know And after all isn't that what we are Pushing that rock like Sisyphus over and over You can hide all you like but I'm sober In the gaps between the labrynths of my mind Lock me in a sin which only one can cleanse And since I do not believe in Him:

it's like sunlight on sugar

to me and my tongue seeks

the sea of your skin, its oily

calm of green light on the floor

of the ocean

                     as in parting,

there's a flutter between us

while I haul down a flag and

you look absently out of

my heart so you won't see

what light one fears in the

sea that I don't want you

to know is of you in me

When I was small we went on holiday to America. We were driving fast down the motorway and I stuck my head out to use my trusty red binoculars. Not expecting the wind at high speeds, I let go and they were forever gone.

My earliest human memory is of seeing my black cat slinking across the back wall of our garden. 

The last of those I loved that lived there are gone. It's just a place in my memory now. And even when I'm finding new ones, they feel like the past already. 

And so I sit, rebuilding myself after it all. A little sad, but that’s in part due to tiredness in all the parts of me. Those tiredsad parts are also happy, so that I am a good mixture. Sunday night showed me: I am so easily uplifted and saved by another. A little closeness, and I feel ready to take on the whole world again. I can find it in words sometimes (a little Etty, or O’Hara perhaps) and if I write I generally work through the problem (though this can take some time). But it’s my fortune that the best medicine for me is the thing I try to pour out into the world but that doesn’t navigate so well to my emotional core. It’s like, affection (or possibly Love) is like a waterfall in me: It flows out with such a strong current but travelling back the other way is so difficult. It’s a contradiction perhaps, that I try to be present, and close, and real with people, but I struggle when people do the same with me.

I must try to be more open and accepting of the love that people have for me, or maybe learn that other people have different ways of expressing it.

I didn’t really think of myself beyond the immediate this last week, too busy juggling the space and other people’s happiness. 

A bit later: “All experience offers the chance for improvement, the opportunity to learn. Pain inspires. Hope is a fire is the beacon is the pulse. Faith is the path is the journey. The adventure of faith."