Every Single Seattle Starbucks

I was hoping this Safebucks would be luxurious like that one QFC, to finalize and round out my Ravenna Trifecta, but it’s the sparse kiosk version. At least there are nearby tables for a nice resting place (even if they are ungracefully encroaching upon The Soup Bar)?

I was excited to try the Italian Roast, pictorialized by a moped, which describes itself as “Roasty and Sweet,”† but of course it’s after 3pm and I’m out of luck. The selection, as mentioned, is limited, and the only drink I believe I haven’t tried is a Starbucks Refreshers®. Naturally, I ask what the heck that means.

According to the barista, they’re water and juice mixed together with bits of fruit. A pretty accurate description, it turns out. Basically this is just (even more) expensive flavored water.‡

There are baskets full of product in front of the register, which signs denoting them “recommended” by various employees. The barista confirmed my suspicion: upon being hired, they are forced to choose which of the products is “their favorite.” Seems transparent enough. I’m graced with such insight as “Nicole Recommends Starbucks Snacks.”§

After I drink the water, bits of strawberry remain wrapped all around the ice. Am I supposed to just abandon it, toss the whole cup aside like a wastrel? Or do I have to scoop out the strawberry remnants now, like a vegan hyena, in the crude public eye? What is the standard Refreshers® protocol?! Where are my instructions here!?

Where the Buck?: Roosevelt Way NE and NE 73rd St Order: Tall Strawberry Açaí Starbucks Refreshers® Sidebucks Completed: Stalkbucks Failed ¶ Starbucks Count: 22

† "Roasty” seems like an unnecessary descriptor for anything roasted, but I’m clearly just outing myself as a Roast Rookie.

‡ which I guess is just what coffee is anyway? I’m discovering lots of truths today. 

§ I’m imagining the manager pressuring the new hires with minimal choices. “Well, Ashley? Do you recommend Water or Snacks? WATER or SNACKS, ASHLEY.” 

If Stalkbucks Quest is to succeed, I’ve got to think locally. I travel to the next-closest location to Green Lake, a nondescript Starbucks attached to a dry cleaner. Now you can spill coffee on your suit and have the stain removed immediately! Such self-fulfilling convenience.

I decide I’m hungry, so I try the strangely-stylized {Thai-Style Peanut Chicken} Wrap. It says it’s “NEW” which I guess is better than “OLD AND STALE.” It contains grapes, the most Thailand fruit I can think of.† (To be fair, it’s only Thai-Style, not actually Thai – those clever corporate loopholes.) 

It’s also six bucks.

It’s fine.

The patio here has umbrellas ghostily-laden with inverted mermaidens on their underside, like some Shroud-of-Turinesque residue.§ But that leg-concerned business woman is nowhere to be found, inside or outside. I must continue my search, pressing ever-onward.

Where the Buck?: Roosevelt Square (Roosevelt Way NE and NE 65th St) Order: {Thai-Style Peanut Chicken} Wrap Bathroom Code: 25825¶  Starbucks Count: 21

† I did some research‡ and it turns out Thailand might just be the unlikeliest country for growing grapes, due to its temperature, soil, strong aversion to raisins, etc. – but apparently they’re rebels who eschewed tradition, went against the vine grip of Big Grape, and became superb wine-making outliers. Starbucks is educational!

‡ Googled “grapes thailand”

§ I briefly pause in remembrance of the many casualties of The Mermaid Wars, wondering how many fell trying to defend their mythical drip coffee recipe that we humans so mercilessly stripped them of. But I snap out of it, knowing the cost was undoubtedly worth the Great Bean Reward.

Before I can enter the quaint little building across from Green Lake, the quintessential body of water to circumnavigate if you have a dog in Seattle and want it to be outside, a gallop of kids rush in†, crowding the whole place. Luckily, the French word for “cat” leads you up to a sparse, kid-free, upper level. None of this makes a lot of sense without pictures, so this is going to be a photo-heavy post. Scroll away!

It’s time for another Seafair Event! There’s a tent in front of the Starbucks with milk cartons stacked in a pyramid, but seated within aren’t pirates or clowns. There are just... men. At least even Miss Seafair dressed up. These are just a bunch of bored-looking old dudes in blue polos. Underwhelming. I was as disinterested in talking to them as they looked being there. So I didn’t. Sorry?

Naturally I order the Mango Black Tea Lemonade‡, being a total trend-swallower, and I’m rewarded with a challenge: to fill a card with ice cube stickers for a free iced grande beverage. I’m immediately on board; there’s never been a better deal than “buy five, get one free”!

Clapping keeps happening periodically downstairs. Are the boring men doing something exciting after all? I am too distracted to check, however, because a lady up here on Special Deck all of a sudden starts an entirely loud phone conversation that sounds like it’s work-related.§

She ends with, “See you later. How’s your leg?” Such a caring boss. Now off the phone, this chatty lady asks me if The Internet is working for me, which it isn’t. “I can't work without Wi-Fi!” she exclaims, exasperated, and leaves. I should leave, too, just to see if she ends up at another Starbucks. Stalkbucks Quest go!

The upstairs here would probably be a perfect place to not order anything, but this lack of internet really makes it an impossibility to stay here. I have a book with me, but what am I supposed to do – just read that in public, like a Luddite?

As I go to leave, some employee is having his picture taken while being handed a slip of paper by Miss Seafair herself. I ask him what all that clapping was about. He says he was knighted, so now he is “Seafair Royalty.”

Well then.

Where the Buck?: East Green Lake Dr N and NE 71st St Order: Tall Mango Black Tea Lemonade Sidebucks Completed: Old Men, kind of? Name Botched: 2 Starbucks Count: 20

† the preferred collective nomenclature

‡ though they get my name wrong again. It looks like Austinin, or possibly just Austinn. Maybe even Austiñ?

§ It’s all perfect workplace talk. Her side goes something like this:

“He’s such a pain in the anus.”

“Print out the comp plan, and highlight all the stuff that relates to her.”

“It’ll all just roll up under HR anyways.”

“Well, you know how to find me.”¶

With continued convenience, I’m making my way to near-work stores, so now I’m as far as two blocks away – except my intended Starbucks is closed, and it’s not even 5pm! I go to one a block over and it’s also shut for the night! The website says they close at 7:30 and 7:00, respectively! Is my Starbucks Store Locator a Starbucks Store Liar?! 

It’s okay, though, because I'm in that part of Seattle that seems like it’s been designed as a tourist trap except no one took the bait, so there’s a Starbucks on every empty block. I pick one, and my gosh this is the tiniest place! There are no tables inside, just counters and stools. It's like they had to squeeze every last ounce of Empty Seattle Space and fill it with a Starbucks. At least it's open, I suppose?†

I've been doing this project long enough‡ to experience new items! They are now offering cold brew and mango lemonade! I opt for only one. The baristas didn't even know they sold cold brew, and were confused by my request, but my wisened eyes, filled with dozen of past Starbucks menus alerted me, and I had to point it out to them.

I overhear baristas talking about new price increases! Certain items are apparently ~20 cents more expensive, which also apparently seems to throw off all their customers who bring them exact change!§ I’d increase my gofundme, if that hadn’t already expired.

They write my name as “Asuna” and I wonder: what would they write/call out if I said my name was something controversial, like “Slavery is acceptable!”?

Where the Buck?: Pine St (Between 5th and 6th Ave) Order: Tall Cold Brew Coffee¶ Bathroom Code: What are you talking about? There’s no room! Name Botched: 1 Starbucks Count: 19

† I’m standing in the farthest possible corner of the store to get this “long shot.” Space here is, true to their coffee, at a premium!

‡ one month in fake real time, posted six months later. Time is a liar as well.

§ Who brings exact change to a café? From the sounds of it, mostly homeless people, which seems to open a whole new coffee can of worms that I am not sure I am willing to speculate upon right now.

¶ Slow-Steeped and Super-Smooth

To continue the Ballard cycle, I immediately visit a grocery store afterwards. This time it is Safeway, and right away I am perturbed – this Starbucks has no seating! What am I supposed to do?! Just order a coffee and stand around? Stare at the barista with penetrating stoicism? Technically, there’s select seating across the store for the deli or some such, which is where I’m sitting now, but I don’t even feel like I’m at Starbucks anymore. This is an outrage. 

The pastry selection is a shoddy joke as well. There is a meager handful of presumably stale selections, with enough room not being occupied to invite imagining a much fuller display. I inquire, and sure enough, it turns out this Starbucks is individually owned and operated. If this is the quality to expect from a franchisee, I don’t know if I want to be a manager after all. Sorry, youthful entrepreneur dudes.† I reluctantly ordered a frappuccino, in order to make this trip as miserable as possible.

Where the Buck?: 15th Ave NW and NW Market St (Inside Safeway) Order: Strawberries & Crème Frappuccino® Starbucks Count: 18

Via a time-centric map, this Starbucks beckons me back to itself, and though I’m hesitant to replicate my previous experience, I go through with it for one reason alone: Clowns. Today, the clowns have come to Starbucks, and that’s about the extent of my understanding of it. I have brought the same friend as before, when I first learned about all these plentiful Sidequests. This visit becomes an exercise in repeating and incorporating what we learned the last time we were here. My friend takes advantage of the “Starbucks Evenings~”† and fearlessly orders the meatballs. The barista says there are only 35 “Evenings~” locations in the whole nation, but they’re hoping for 2,500 by next year. That is some massive increase. My friend’s verdict? “These are not the best frozen meatballs I’ve had this week.”

Across the street, someone’s erasing graffiti tags on the side of the real coffee shop, probably put there by a gruntled Starbucks employee trying to destroy business. The same absolutely homeless man just walks in again (this time with more records in tow), circles round a few times, and walks out. This must be a constant. Miss Seafair is even here, it looks like! But she’s too intimidating to talk to, i.e., she’s not a clown. And I’m here for the clowns.

I go up to the one dressed like a policeman to ask him “the deal with clowns being here” and he starts handing me things! Stickers, shamrock-shaped silly straws, and a sword! He balloons me a pink polymer phallus and then asks if we’re going to Seafair. My friend, because she’s a morally-corrupt thief and liar, says yes; but in my hesitation, he hands me two tickets, for free!‡ I guess I have to actually go to Seafair now?§

He is also very weird, which he would have to be, because he’s an adult man dressed like a clown dressed like a cop, and when asked for a picture, proceeds to put me into a clumsy unsolicited quarter, maybe even eighth, nelson.

The graffiti is almost cleaned by the time we leave. Rivalry is an expeditious motivator!

Where the Buck?: 22nd Ave NW and NW Market Street (Again) Order: Tall Papua New Guinea Ulya (Reserve® Flavor) Over Ice Bathroom Code:¶ Sidebucks Completed: Seafair Clowns! Starbucks Count: 17 Bonusbucks: "3″

† Every link is just a link to this post.

‡ My friend wonders what the motive for all this free stuff is. “Is this because the Starbucks CEO sold the Sonics and is trying to make Seattle forget?” 

§ I do not end up going to Seafair. Sorry, clown cop! Thanks for the tickets?

¶ I wasn’t investigating Bathroom Codes last time I was here, but this one is: Just push the door open, it’s a fake keypad trick. 

I got lost on the way to the U District and wound up in Eastlake. This alone should have been a sign: the Eastlake Starbucks is nearly impossible to find.

Hidden from the south by an army of trees, and from the north by an under-construction Quick Stop’s sign†, I pass the Starbucks by five times, even while looking expressly for it and knowing exactly where it is. At least there’s a parking lot, I think, before pulling in to find it totally full. Street parking is nonexistent right now, due to plethoras of constructions, and all the cobbley-tobbley side streets are restricted with months-long Tow Away Areas. I had to park essentially at the highway to even approach this place. In short, don't worry, because I'm pretty sure this place is a mirage. You'll never have to be here because you’ll never even know how to.

Upon entering, things remain bizarre. The counter faces nowhere in particular, catty-corner to both doors. I think it is trying to cover all its ground, but it just comes off as indecisive. It’s not even attached to the remaining slabs of concrete, an island in an island of a Starbucks. I’m not even sure it is the counter until the barista behind it snoots at me for holding up the line.

The architecture in general is nonsense; only the walls are lined with tables and seats, leaving the center space for just standing and shrugging about. There is bar seating here, at a coffee joint that doesn’t sell alcohol - which is fine, I guess, but the bar is rounded and jutting into everyone’s personal space.‡ Combined with the counter, everything feels entirely unbalanced. There is an Escheresque sense of perspective in this place, with maybe the intended effect of making you want to flee.

But here’s what’s truly weird: this place is packed. Every table is taken so I am forced to sit at the aforementioned “bar,” with additional lingerers just standing and roaming for sport. How does anyone find this place, let alone roost for days? I am thoroughly freaked out.

Where the Buck?: The Twilight Zone (Eastlake Ave E) Order: Reduced-Fat Turkey Bacon, Cheddar & Cage-Free Egg White Breakfast Sandwich § Starbucks Count: 17

† promising, like all honest delis, the “Best Sandwiches in Town”

‡ Personal space is being infringed on all over the place, here. Another bar-seat patron is having a fight with a barista; she’s mad at him for calling her a child, he’s defending his position through unintelligible babble. It ends on a terse handshake. Ah, conflict resolution.¶

§ I think this heavily-hyphenated sandwich is for dieters, because it tastes of approximate garbage.

¶ I could catalog other baristas’ activities, at the risk of making this post thematically impossibly long:

One such barista is reenacting Arrested Development’s Gene Parmesan scenes as all the characters, as his coworker nervously pretends to laugh.

Another bumps into me and proceeds to explain how she’s so sleepy and it’s so hot out and I have already forgiven her but she clearly just needs to rant.

I step into QFC and an arrow swoops me up the stairs.

Compared to the three tables of Safeway, this Starbucks is actually quite roomy. It sits on the second floor of the grocery store, so you can see down the shirts of watermelons and pastries, but you can also turn around to look out onto the infinite stretch of the Wallingford Center, which is just really the worst kind of mall. 

There are outlets in the ground – a first! I promptly take use of them to finally investigate my Starbucks account† after my embarrassing Gold Card disappointment. The culprit: my Starbucks level has dipped from Gold to Green, to great personal disgrace.

There are three tiers‡: the first being Welcome, which actually isn’t a color, for just having a gift card. This grants you birthday coffee and custom email spam offers§. To get to the prestigious Green like me, you have to collect five stars in a year, with the additional bonus of granting free in-store refills. Stars are, I believe, what you get just by spending bucks. I think I get what they’re going for. I should also start taking advantage of this free refill game. How many can I get in one sitting?

The final tier, the epitome of urbanity, is Gold, of course, which I should be able to get back up to in fourteen more stores, at 30 stars a year. Then: Free Food Feast, a.k.a, "a free food or drink item after another 12 stars earned.” No more spending money on expensive biscuits! Also you get a Gold Card, but I already have one, so that’s a meaningless incentive after once.

Where the Buck?: N 45th St and Wallingford Ave N Order: Tall Shaken Iced Tea (Passion, Unsweetened) ¶ Sidebucks Completed: Wallingford!  Starbucks Count: 16

† more colloquially known as My Starbucks Rewards®‎, as if Starbucks itself wasn’t enough of a prize

‡ in true Kickstarted coffee fashion

§ (be sure to opt in), the website helpfully reminds you 

People have asked in what order I am going about this project. So far, I just go to whichever Starbucks I am nearby. There is no set order; I am still spreading out until the latter-days of endless searching. For instance, this morning I woke up way too early and am near Wallingford.

Finally, I am awake early enough to order the blonde drip! But of course this shop only does a pour-over version, and it’s far too late to go back now and change my order. Compensating, I also order a breakfast sandwich†. I guess I am doing sandwiches now.

Split in two, this Starbucks is divided by apartment stairs. Was it initially two separate stores - did it slowly take over the building and merge? Who gets to live above a Starbucks? That’s the Seattlean dream, I am pretty certain. The decor is fairly standard, including instructions for Iced Tea made in a Coffee Press‡. On a wall otherwise dominated with bean-origin propaganda, there is a painting of this Starbucks for sale in this Starbucks.

The building next door is under construction. I choose to sit next to the window because it’s near the only outlet and it is monstrously loud. It’s some kind of drill that just sounds like an extended infinite foghorn. The other computerers around me exist on the extreme ends of the laptop spectrum- one’s on a 7″ Asus and the other has what must be a 21″ Acer. There is also a mother here, ignoring her kid, texting. That is probably normal these days, but he is saying things like “And the poop, and the poop!” which worries me on a sanitary level, but her only response is “Let’s not talk about this, buddy.”§

Where the Buck?: N 45th St and Meridian Ave N Order: Tall Veranda Blend (Blonde Pour-Over) and Slow-Roasted Ham, Swiss & Egg Sandwich Starbucks Count: 15

† In a horrible transgression, I neglected to mention my order of the Double-Smoked Bacon, Cheddar & Egg during my Pirates quest. It was pretty okay. This Swiss, however, is gross.

‡ Vibrant, refreshing and simple to make.

Brew double strength: 4 Tbsp coarsely ground coffee per 180 mL / 6 fl oz water.

Add hot water just off the boil and stir. Let coffee brew for 4 minutes.

Press plunger and pour into a pitcher of ice – half ice, half coffee.

Serve over plenty of ice, with or without milk.

§ Later, when he refuses to eat, she makes time to inform him of his preferences:

My friend has provided me with an interesting clue - he has access to a databaseful of secret information. He can look up nigh-100 Starbucks at a time, finding their phone numbers, managers, and, best importantly, their locations. Unfortunately, his list cuts short at a certain point, but he says the Seattle search goes to 156 Starbucksers. Some really difficult math reveals a fun fact: if it’s true, I can visit 3 a week and finish this project in a year! Still a lofty goal, and I am no means promising it, but wouldn’t that be a nice thing? I’m already on the warpath of making it, I believe.†

I barely sit down to type when a nearby interracial potpourri collectively turns to face me with a proposition, like I’m Neo just woken up on Nebuchadnezzar. These “kids” can’t be older than 20, but they’re all dressed like they’re 40, and have been hardcore discussing business strategies. They explain they’re franchise entrepreneurs and want to know if I’m interested in some sort of franchisee business opportunity. They are also kind of hard to understand, and I, having no idea what they’re going on about and unable to offend, obviously say yes, and give them my phone number. They mention something about some upcoming meeting but I am saved by visiting friends and whisked to safety. But now that I think about it, with my friend’s database of names in tow, maybe I should start a franchise?

Where the Buck?: Broadway Ave E and E Republican St Order: Tall Shaken Iced Tea (Green, Sweetened) Bathroom Code: 4488‡ Sidebucks Completed: All the Iced Teas!§  Starbucks Count: 14 † This store had to wait to be posted until it was as ironic as possible, aka, directly after a hiatus

‡ Oh no, my pattern assumption is ruined! Turns out they don’t have to be unique numbers, but the symmetry reveals a definite sort of clear intention. We’ll add doubling to the confines of the new rules and see what develops.

§ I think this was true at the time, but sadly I think more have been added since then. But I don’t actually know, because iced tea is no longer on the menu! Is it because it’s no longer summer? I will have to wait to investigate, or risk meekly asking a pro-wrestling-faced barista¶. 

- John Henry Hopkins, Jr. 

I am back from the first of what I suspect will be many lengthy hiatuses†, which I took for Personal Reasons, and now, once again in my bastion of safety‡, I am realizing how much this place has changed - and, perhaps, how much it will always change.

Cups are no longer their iconic Crispy Green but instead Bright Red, perhaps to emulate the other half of Christmas’ colors in order to compensate for their majority-of-the-year verdant monopoly. There are at least six new drinks on the menu, as far as I can tell, and maybe even more that I’m neglecting. Was that Cool Lime Açaí drink always there? I don’t think so.

But here’s the trick: If you know me, you know my grasp on chronology is tenuous at best, and this project has become no exception. I actually have 22 drafts saved, apparently, of past Starbucks posts I wrote notes for but just have to “clean up.”§ But here I am now, in the “present,” making grand comeback statements. I am not even geographically veracious - I am in Portland for Other Personal Reasons, which is definitely not Seattle, despite all its intentions.

See, I don’t want to start posting out of order, per se, but I don’t want to hold off on going to Starbucks anymore until I am “caught up,” because A) I am addicted, and 2) just looking around, there is apparently so much in flux already, and I don’t wanna miss a thing. I think I will continue in fake real time, chronologically, as to preserve the “narrative,” so if you see Christmas posts in July, you will know: the person cannot keep their life together, but at least they didn’t ruin the timeline.

The sign on the board ominously reads “The Red Cups are only the beginning. Join us on 11/10 for even MORE of the Holidays.” Considering today is 11/09¶, it looks like I made it just in time for even more drastic change. I’m realizing how evanescent this place’s menu and decorum can be. But with Other Projects out of the way, I can focus on what really matters:

Starbucks, Inc.

Where the Buck?: Portland, OR (Across from Popeye’s Louisiana Kitchen, next to a store actually called “Pizza Schmizza.”) Order: Tall Peppermint Mocha Starbucks Count: "13″ Bonusbucks: “2″

† this project being, after all, projected to last a decade or so. This is the long haul, folks! This is destined for ennui!

‡ Any Starbucks 

§ adding footnotes, researching symbols for new footnotes, etc.

After accidentally trying to figure out which of two adjacent Starbucks contained the Treasure, I realized I was still five blocks away from the right one. Burien seems like it has Seattle’s Starbucks overpopulation problem.

I’m outside of Seattle, the first stop on my Treasure Map tour.† Today’s event? A bunch of old dudes dressed as Pirates, I guess. That’s what sight greets me when I enter the store, anyway.

Except an excitable lady actually does greet me, asks me if I knew this was happening,‡ and proceeds to shove tons of pamphlets into my hands. She tells me all about some event called Seafair, as if I don’t just want to see Starbucks, the silly woman, in way too much detail. I continue tuning her out until she mentions the pirates. It’s for kids, she says, but these dudes land ships on the beach. It’s a whole thing, I guess.

And that’s it! They just stand around and let people take pictures with them, as if anyone would. As I boot up my laptop, kids are climbing over the island o’ furniture in the middle of the room, jumping between chairs and yelling “Swap [sic] the deck!” and “I’m on your ship!” So I guess the promotion worked?

Where the Buck?: Burien, but it doesn’t matter Order: Pour-Over Dark Roast (Gold Coast Blend)§ Sidebucks Completed: Seafair Pirates! Starbucks Count: 14 13¶ Bonusbucks: 1

† Full disclosure: With an out-of-town visitor borrowing my car last Wednesday, I missed the premiere: Miss Seafair and Princesses taking place in Issaquah. But maybe I dodged a creepy bullet. What am I gonna do, ask for a picture with a bunch of prepubescent princesses?

‡ No, I definitely didn’t extensively plan on this, I lie.

§ Stout and Refined

In my haste to assume the most recent Starbucks to my work is only a block away, I neglected to notice an even closer one, literally across the street. Ah, Seattle. And now, being called back into work, I find myself with an extra 90 minutes of shift to go and a place to spend it.

With my FOMS† in full effect, I’ve started using the Starbucks Store Locator instead of Google Maps; it seems like they actually catalogue the random QFCs and other hidden Starbucksi that are secretly spread around. This is good news! The only downside is the search only shows 50 stores at a time, so I don’t know for sure how many there are, still. But as long as I zoom in enough, I should be set.

The store’s in what seems to be the Convention Center‡, next to the Seattle Court of Appeals, but in a weird hallway that ends with stairs leading up to a hotel and down to a road. It seems like weird level design, not an actual location. The Starbucks itself has two doors, with its name plastered over both, leaving the patron to consider which one is the illusion. I choose wisely and find my way inside.

I enter to a serenade; all the baristas are singing along to the overhead rap music, which I interrupt with pressing concern. You see, I forgot to ask the previous employee her salary and left her not disgusted with me, so I fix that error now. The barista says she started at around $10, but now, about a year later, makes about $11. She also said she was unsure of the incremental performance-based increase because of the whole Seattle Minimum Wage Game, so perhaps there is no way to really know what people make here. Either way, it seems like it’s better to work at Safeway for a year, then move to Starbucks and get raises shrouded in mystery.

I stay until I’m forced to leave - “Excuse me sir, we actually are closing,” the barista says, as if it was a rare event - and get called back into work with twenty minutes to spare.

Where the Buck?: TWO UNION SQUARE, STUPID. (Technically also 6th Ave and Union St) Order: Tall Peach Green Tea Lemonade§ Bathroom Code: Nope¶ Starbucks Count: 13

† Fear of Missing Starbucks

‡ “Is this the Convention Center?” “No!” a passerby laughs. “The Convention Center’s across the street. This is TWO UNION SQUARE.” More eye-rolling and head-shaking. Well duh-doy, I guess.

§ What kind of drink is this?! It is an amalgam of all drinks!

I got called into work early and under false pretenses, so I have five hours to kill until my shift ends. I assumed there had to be a Starbucks near my work, and a quick Googling confirmed there was: just one block away! Its weird dark tunnel of an entrance belies a darker secret - it secretly opens into a hallway-turned-food court.

This place is full of “urban professionals,” sipping things and gazing out at their neighbors - Jimmy John’s, Mrs. Field’s, and Toby Froyo†, the Healthiest Trifecta of Treats. Without an adequate breakfast buffer, and the sight of the syndicates calling my name, it’s time, I figure, for a first foray into food. I start with a basic bagel.

I remember, hastily, that there was some perk to having a Gold Card that triggered free items, perfect for this expensive food. I asked the barista to check and see if I had any available, but I didn’t, and in my flustered fear state, I squandered my drink order on a latte, realizing a split-second too late that I was at a Reserve®. I'm running out of drinks that aren't Frappucinos.

I make my home in this Little Crevice, a claustrophobic cage for only the diest-hard of agoraphobics. The woman next to me is shaking a salad in a Tupperware® and seems to have not ordered anything. It reminds me of my Sidequest and I make a mental note to find a better location to do the deed.     

I realize, as I leave, that this mafia den’s in some place called "City Centre," which boasts "Shops • Restaurant”. Restaurant, singular.

Where the Buck?: City Centre (6th Ave and Union St) Order: Tall Caffè Latte and Plain Bagel (with Cream Cheese), toasted Bathroom Code: 4286‡ Starbucks Count: 12

† Is it just me or are these all mobster names? “Toby Froyo ain’t a snitch.”§

‡ So I’m beginning to suspect the standard pattern with these bathroom codes, based on the last few, is unique non-repeated numbers. In addition, this particular bathroom’s are all even, which intrigues my sensibilities.

I’m excited - the black sign out front indicates another Concept Store, and this one’s Concept seems to be Pagoda. This store can be found at the onset of Madison Park, a secret suburby lair hidden past a hill of nothingness. It is the place to live if you like Seattle, but hate associating with anyone from Seattle.

Pagodabucks is Super Spacious inside, easily the size of two Lesser Starbuckses; there is even an electric fireplace to account for the presumed lost heat of such a space! Most of the seating here is single couches; burlap sacks are the new literal wall-paper. Everyone here is an old person†, because once you pass the Hill of No Return, well, self-explanatory.

I ask for a Reserve®‡ and the barista gives me a scowl; I ask if it’s going to be annoying to make, and that I can order something else. She says, “It doesn’t matter how annoying it is to make; it’s what you want to drink.” But it’s not really, it’s just a drink, and I feel guilty and too intimidated to ask this testy lady her salary.

There are even vats of children’s toys here, sprawled all over the seating, next to a bookshelf of educational reading with such super titles as “Super Baby Food” and “Super Trucks.”⁂ I don’t think I’ve ever encountered such a kid-friendly coffee shop, and especially not one where every patron seems to be postmenopausal and/or impotent.

The wall also dictates that “We live in a beautiful world,” which is helpful, because I never would have known, otherwise.

Where the Buck?: E Madison St and the “Welcome to Madison Park” Sign Order: Tall Tanzania Kimuli (Reserve® Flavor) Bathroom Code: None§ Starbucks Count: 11

† To me, anyone over the age of 40 is old. Check back in 10 years for hypocrisy.

‡ A Concept means a Reserve®!

⁂ Other questionably-grammatical titles include: “What’s Inside? My Body”; “Bubbles, Bubbles”; and “The Four Agreements.” One of these is not like others.¶

§ “We live in Fancy Town and there is no riffraff here.”

¶ I think I’m going to have to retire the Asterism* because it’s not showing up for me in mobile and I don’t want to confuse my future self, or potentially other people who use phones. RIP coolest unicode.