If my soul is an ocean, then I am lost at sea...

like, why do i find myself upholding and fearing other peoples feelings that are in conflict with my own feelings so hard i spiral into a dissociative state, meanwhile they *checks my notes* do whatever they want anyway?

this week was the first week where i let in a controlled amount of grief and started getting to know it.

i cried so. so much.

and my heart feels all soft. liked bruised fruit.

and my diaphragm feels weak.

but my head feels good. like, know that its taken care of some of the old stuff it can handle the new stuff better.

im not a machine, though. so even thought it feels “better” it also feels sharper. like if i use it wrong it could hurt me.

so all in all my senses are dulled.

i told my friends im going to be a little more tender the next few weeks and so to just be nicer than usual.

i also definitely shouldn’t have to go sleep next to him anyway because a roach squared up with me in said living room

and its not some kind of like, chosen internal growth or an adjustment to a change this time, this time its actual problems im facing. that i have to solve. for a result. like new types of problems… that sucks!

lmao i know thats like the basic human experience, you live long enough and there are gonna be cows outside i know i know i know

thing is i find myself, the vast majority of the time, solving problems for other people yeah yeah yeah i shouldn’t im working on that so its rare i actually acknowledge something is a problem for me myself

like, yeah yes i run into everyday inconvenience and annoyance as much as the next ape but, darling, i learned to roll with the punches long long ago probably as a child probably in response to neglect lmao idk idk idk. to me, officially naming something a “problem” gives it power i just don’t think it deserves.

i don’t like giving out my energy like that, so my process of acceptance and problem solving is actually fucking instantaneous- im highly logical, which is not me patting myself on the back, quite the opposite actually, because in turn i am numb.

i don’t let myself feel anything i don’t think i need to feel and i’ve developed my little routines to keep myself happy as you kinda have to with major depressive disorder. is that good for me? NO, hope that helps!

but damn, knowing all this. doesn’t make it. any easier! when a NEW problem. presents itself!

exhibit a i have a friend thats pissing me off, and its not even like, like something they’re doing directed at me, its these totally predictable cycles of how they live their life and i just watch them day in day out fail to put even a little energy into changing these patterns that are obviously hurting them and the people around them.

its this roller coaster of trusting them, and being like “oh look they are in a good mood today”, and thinking things seems like they are gonna get better, but just a few days later the cracks from the last spiral all split in the same spots as before and

i guess what makes this problem new is that i think this time i have the gall to point it all out. like loudly

like “hey you’re doing that shit it again” or like “wow yeah that behavior again? i know where its coming from, lets talk about it. right now.” like, i just wanna make them deal with one thing at a time, go down their list, have them figure it all out once and for all

its a new problem because im grappling with the new found option to actually push the big red “fight” button before they’ve even done anything wrong, which im only resorting to after years of wishing i could. now we’re older and its like “whoa im finally running out of the other peaceful button options. that process of elimination has sure been a bitch”

… yeah i know that all sound toxic but there’s a decade of context behind all that. its MY depression blog, you can agree or leave, simply

and then exhibit number b is another different new problem im facing- which unsafe to talk on the internet. so i just gotta sit here, phone screen on, and be scared lmaooooo

i can tell you what im gonna do about that problem, and its build community, and keep organized records, and maybe like run into the woods for solace more often and like, idk maybe like, learn to live there ????? haha, yeah no im

im a wittle bit spooked about this other new problem, if i do say so myself

but, henyways

wowowowowowowow. wow.

today i have felt ignored. i have felt disappointment. i have felt taken for granted.

today i have felt fear. i have felt some panic. i have felt anxiety about things that are a lot bigger than me.

and i just wish that friend would listen. and i wish people weren’t scared of each other

i wish that friend could finally discover that big thing that hurts them and their loved ones the most- that disconnect between how the people around them cope and grow and how they cope and grow. and i wish for, as naive as it sounds, a utopia, and world peace, and all that stupid shit we should have never stopped believing as kids.

i just want them to be happy.