#everyflowerfalls

this week was the first week where i let in a controlled amount of grief and started getting to know it.

i cried so. so much.

and my heart feels all soft. liked bruised fruit.

and my diaphragm feels weak.

but my head feels good. like, know that its taken care of some of the old stuff it can handle the new stuff better.

im not a machine, though. so even thought it feels “better” it also feels sharper. like if i use it wrong it could hurt me.

so all in all my senses are dulled.

i told my friends im going to be a little more tender the next few weeks and so to just be nicer than usual.

i also definitely shouldn’t have to go sleep next to him anyway because a roach squared up with me in said living room

and its not some kind of like, chosen internal growth or an adjustment to a change this time, this time its actual problems im facing. that i have to solve. for a result. like new types of problems… that sucks!

lmao i know thats like the basic human experience, you live long enough and there are gonna be cows outside i know i know i know

thing is i find myself, the vast majority of the time, solving problems for other people yeah yeah yeah i shouldn’t im working on that so its rare i actually acknowledge something is a problem for me myself

like, yeah yes i run into everyday inconvenience and annoyance as much as the next ape but, darling, i learned to roll with the punches long long ago probably as a child probably in response to neglect lmao idk idk idk. to me, officially naming something a “problem” gives it power i just don’t think it deserves.

i don’t like giving out my energy like that, so my process of acceptance and problem solving is actually fucking instantaneous- im highly logical, which is not me patting myself on the back, quite the opposite actually, because in turn i am numb.

i don’t let myself feel anything i don’t think i need to feel and i’ve developed my little routines to keep myself happy as you kinda have to with major depressive disorder. is that good for me? NO, hope that helps!

but damn, knowing all this. doesn’t make it. any easier! when a NEW problem. presents itself!

exhibit a i have a friend thats pissing me off, and its not even like, like something they’re doing directed at me, its these totally predictable cycles of how they live their life and i just watch them day in day out fail to put even a little energy into changing these patterns that are obviously hurting them and the people around them.

its this roller coaster of trusting them, and being like “oh look they are in a good mood today”, and thinking things seems like they are gonna get better, but just a few days later the cracks from the last spiral all split in the same spots as before and

i guess what makes this problem new is that i think this time i have the gall to point it all out. like loudly

like “hey you’re doing that shit it again” or like “wow yeah that behavior again? i know where its coming from, lets talk about it. right now.” like, i just wanna make them deal with one thing at a time, go down their list, have them figure it all out once and for all

its a new problem because im grappling with the new found option to actually push the big red “fight” button before they’ve even done anything wrong, which im only resorting to after years of wishing i could. now we’re older and its like “whoa im finally running out of the other peaceful button options. that process of elimination has sure been a bitch”

… yeah i know that all sound toxic but there’s a decade of context behind all that. its MY depression blog, you can agree or leave, simply

and then exhibit number b is another different new problem im facing- which unsafe to talk on the internet. so i just gotta sit here, phone screen on, and be scared lmaooooo

i can tell you what im gonna do about that problem, and its build community, and keep organized records, and maybe like run into the woods for solace more often and like, idk maybe like, learn to live there ????? haha, yeah no im

im a wittle bit spooked about this other new problem, if i do say so myself

but, henyways

wowowowowowowow. wow.

today i have felt ignored. i have felt disappointment. i have felt taken for granted.

today i have felt fear. i have felt some panic. i have felt anxiety about things that are a lot bigger than me.

and i just wish that friend would listen. and i wish people weren’t scared of each other

i wish that friend could finally discover that big thing that hurts them and their loved ones the most- that disconnect between how the people around them cope and grow and how they cope and grow. and i wish for, as naive as it sounds, a utopia, and world peace, and all that stupid shit we should have never stopped believing as kids.

i just want them to be happy.

so! im kinda mad

(dear-dairy-esque rant below, leave me alone)

i didn’t mean to disappoint you though

what i do in my life doesn’t affect you. it cant with how little we are involved.

i meant everything i said to you. i really do believe you deserve peace and are justified in your stance.

i feel lots of different ways about lots of different people, but i never got to show you that and thats ok.

i don’t care that you hate me. not to imply im happy you do. but when i say it i don’t mean it disrespectfully- thats just how little hold we have in each other’s lives.

its not worth anything, but im sorry. im sorry things look the way they do to you. i dont blame you for it. if i were you i might do similar.. im not sure..

i usually never feel stuff, i got toxic positivity as a coping mechanism up the wazoo constantly

it’s something i’ve been trying to work on slowly, and have made very little progress because life’s crazy for everyone right now so how in the right mind could i let myself feel all that shit now, right?

ok

anyway

unrelated topic

i took shrooms for the first time the other day!

*pause for effect*

and that was.. fun. ish.

but NOW

now im kinda feeling my feelings

in a way i didn’t consent to!

and it’s kind of a problem because i wasn’t readyyyy

to start doing That™️

i was ready and expectant of lot of different things when i decided to ingest shrooms but having new direct connection to my feelings waaasnt on my bingo card if im being so honest.

(my sister has bpd 2 and i’ve always suspected it in myself, so for all i know its.. awake now? googling psychiatry as we speak)

so what does that mean?

its means im experiencing severe body dysmorphia! it means im having panic attacks with seemingly no trigger for them! it means im crying! it means im way less confident! it mean all my daily routines and preferences are getting dropped on the floor and mixed together with other emotional shit i haven’t picked up, cleaned, and organized yet! it means im letting the perfectionist in me win by telling me i suck! at! everything! it means im nervous about a lot more things than i already was! it means i could relapse at any moment!

it means! thats the bandaids i had used for those problems got ripped off, and as much as i had always intended to go back and heal those things thoroughly i’ve now been abruptly yanked out of my comfort zone.

and, despite the tone of this post so far… thats ok.

as i said, id been working on this slowly but making very little progress and now i have NO choice but to feel it. all of it. feel it, learn from it, cope with it, and heal.

like, the concept.

friends do, like, what, they… like a lot of what you say? yeah, ok. they like to talk to you to hear more of you saying things. okaaaay, yeah. friends like things about you.. right? like, how you dress, and um, they like your stories of things you’ve done. i think. ok.

friends like doing stuff with you. mmmwhy? why, like really, why? we’re pack animals, we like doing things in groups, sure, but its more than that im sure. friends like to do things with you because they want to experience those things with you becaaaaause.. they think you’ll like it? or because they’ll like it? is the goal always that you guys like the experience together? orrrr are turns expected? some back and forth and also some down the middle?

i don’t know, haven’t really seen it. i feel it, but hmmmmmm.

hmmmm!

friends like showing you things about themselves. yeah. we show each other things so we can learn more about each other becaaaaause… becauuuuse, uhh-

because there is love every where and to love is to want to know and to love is want each others happiness. true love, at least. from what i understand.

ok so, if thats my understanding so faaaar, then, in practice, i love my friends like that. that makes sense.

ok.

so then.

why the

FUCK.

does it feel like. nobody wants to do that. with me?anddontfuckin- dont explain to me all the bullshit, like,

not everyone shows love the same way. yeah, thats obvious, we are billions of animals on a rock theres gonna be cows outside.

you can have friendships at different intensities not everyone has to be the best friend ever. well duh, i know thats unrealistic and i wouldn’t want all my friends to be like that, i’ve only ever hoped to find ONE maybe that even comes cLOSE to what im talking about.

sometimes people don’t like you as much as you like them. yeah, and sometimes i don’t like people as much as they like me, next question.

not everyone one is willing to dadadada. yeah, uhuh, i know.

i know.

i read a lot of literature.

i’ve met a lot of people.

is this mic on?

i deal with this feeling all the time do you think i havent thought about it in thousands of different ways over the years i’ve been living on this ground?

i thought. it would be an act of self-respect, and a form of doing right by me, and a favor to myself, to try to surround myself with people who put in the same amount of effort into loving me as i do them. i thought thats what i deserve, thats what everyone deserves, so let me work on that. let me practice asking for what i want. let me share my opinions and whoever doesn’t want to stick around wasn’t meant for meee and we liiive and we leeearn and right time wrong place and blaaaaahhhhh

and for the most part that ideology has lead me in the right direction.

but.. i think my anger is coming from. the audacity. that the world, at least in context to me, has shown me as it tries to convince me that wanting even amounts of love back and forth is too much to ask.

i see all these posts where people are like “we are supposed to be burdens on each other, those burdens are worth the effort in a friendship where you want to carry that weight for each other back and forth” or whatever the fuck, but i feel like the people i’ve met don’t actually get that, like, they preach all this shit and i carry their burdens because i want to and i love them and so i do my part but then im a burden for a moment and. the fucking audacity to-

mmggggrrrrrrhhhhhfuckin! make my world explode! just for being human just for asking for what i know damn well is fair i

is it, like, cause i live in florida? or, what, i love too hard? maybe? im tired of that pedestal, thats old hat. is my judgement bad? im, what- what am i doing wrong?