a blog for my personal thoughts

“How can I move on, when my heart planted its feet into the ground to remain loyal to you”

You never ask me about my past, about the things that keep me up at night. You never want to know how old I was the first time my heart was broken. You don’t ask how long it took me to move on, what I did to glue the pieces back together. You never ask about the last time I cried or wished the world stopped for a second so I could learn to breathe again. I used to think that maybe you didn’t want to know, that you didn’t care enough to dig deeper. But honestly, it’s in your eyes. I look at you when you don’t think I’m paying attention, and I see it all: the nightmares that keep you from falling asleep, all the times someone grabbed your heart and twisted it in your chest, tore it to shreds and watched you pick it back up. Maybe if you found the courage to ask me about the things that made me who I am today, you could be brave enough to ask yourself. Hopefully in time you will be comfortable enough to share your lows with me as willingly as you take me with you on your highs. Until then, I will stay and I will listen. I will listen until I can see the fear leaving your eyes.

i hope you’re happy while im overthinking in my bed at 3am during the midnight wondering what i did wrong which part was i not good enough how would i be able to get you back without losing myself once again

I wonder if anyone ever considered that the dragon guarding the princess was really a metaphor for the princess’s strength, power, fire, all the things the prince could not handle and that his killing the dragon was destroying the part of her that was truly magical just so he could possess her, he could own her, he could have her and her crown. Maybe if the dragon defeated the prince for a change, her true happiness in genuinely being herself could be found.

me casting evil spirits out of me home

I am tired. These people make me feel I have a hole in the middle of me.

I remember when I was 9th grade my teacher told everyone to write down their role model, I left mine blank. I didn’t want to leave it blank but my mind when blank as well when I tried to think of someone honourable in my life. A father and brother who live their lives bitter and engulfed in flames or a mother who keeps throwing in the matches. What choice did I really have?

And maybe the most terrible— yet the bravest thing I’ve ever done, was to continue walking no matter how slow my feet move, no matter how many times I took a rest and sat on the ground— to stand up and travel this tough road of mine, when all I ever wanted was to come back to that wonderful moment when things never seem to be wrong, when things never hurt so much— and when everything seems perfectly fine.

Could you, perhaps, stay awhile? I know there’s not much warmth here, anymore. But these streets, and alleyways, the beach and the marketplace, our names carved into seats that marked late night escapades. Could it be enough, for now?

I think that’s where I went wrong. If there was something you did that bothered me, I just brushed it off. I gave you chance after chance. I put my wants and needs on a shelf and let them collect dust while compulsively making sure I was aware of yours. Forget letting you have just a place in my heart, I let you have almost the whole thing, leaving just enough for myself so I could keep going. I loved you, but I didn’t love myself, and that was the biggest mistake I could’ve made.