Just an ordinary man

Hey, our kid was almost named Starburst, you can’t get much weirder then that. I’m sure you’ll think of something though, Blaine’s Italian right? Maybe it could be a foreign name. Naming the baby Blaine wouldn’t be confusing at all now would it. No you’re right they could be lady friends, very true but you never know how their lives are going to pan out until they do. I can just picture that, at least she’ll have her mother to help her sneak out for dates. She’s definitely got a set of lungs on her, it’s not screaming as such, just very loud crying. He’s around but it wakes us both up and then I have a bad habit of not pumping milk to have ready for night feeds and he doesn’t have the equipment for the job.

Why was she almost named Starburst? Were you that drugged and almost wrote that down? Blaine is very much Italian. A foreign name... hmmm... I wonder how well it’ll sound mixed with a spiritual and slightly hippy dippy name. I- wait... she needs boob milk? Like...she just can’t take formula? Because B and I ain’t got any boobs to be pumping milk from. I also don’t want the babe to starve either...oh boy. Um... can’t you just cuddle her and give her formula when you run out of juice? I’m good with kids... I just never had to do any of that.

I’ll be sure to teach her some plucking skills if she does inherit Blaine’s triangles. Not gross parents, just friends chilling and hanging out, sharing sandboxes and cookies. I’ve always wanted a best friend I knew since I was a baby. I don’t doubt that the two of you won’t be on duty and I know it’s just so you can play on the stuff too. Out the window the minute she was born, I’m tired Sam. Really tired. She cries, every night at like 3 in the morning. And then I cry because of it.

She’ll look like a baby pumpkin for sure. Now we just have to sit down and think up a name. A normal name...ok, normal to my family standards, which probably isn’t normal for Blaine. We could name the baby Blaine...Well in this day in age they could grow up to be girlfriend’s, who knows? We will be on every sweaty boy like paint to a wall! Aw....Grace. Maybe she’s got that screaming thing that some kids get. My bro was like that. Screamed like a dang Banshee and would keep me up all night. Where’s Ryder? Shouldn’t you guys tag team this for a little bit?

A girl! Sam that’s so exciting, now Madison will have a little friend. It’s going to be great, them being around the same age, like childhood friends. I’m sure it’s going to be great but I’m telling you now, I don’t miss being that size but you want to know what I do miss. Sleep. 

Yes! A little girl. She’s gonna be so cute as hell. Bless the little marshmallow isn’t all eyebrows. Oh god, you’re making us already sound like future gross parent’s. Playdates and whatnot. Arthur and I will be on active duty once it’s playground time. Sleep? Where’d your sleep go? Is she really that fussy?

I’m not mad at you Sam, this is something beyond your control, you didn’t mean for this to happen. I’m going to bypass the lying because we both know that is something we’re over and done with, it’s played it’s dues and we’ve moved on from it. It’s in the past. As for the baby, I didn’t ask, I knew you would want to be there to hear as well, I may have been mad before because I thought you were simply just not turning up for the sake of it, but now I know what’s going on, that it’s pursuits and it’s happening to a number of people. I’m not mad and I’m not angry. I just want you to be okay, my main priority right now is you. Everything else can wait. 

I- what happened to me? All I know is one minute I was myself and then I took off...naked.... and now i’m. Actually I don’t even know where I am. Some kind of a warehouse? It’s- are they ok? Is everything alright with them? Blaine, I’m SO SORRY! You know i’d never miss any appointment to see Marshmallow and I did and I feel so dang bad about it... The Purists? Christ! Blaine, we gotta move. We gotta sell our home and take the baby to Canada and live out in the woods under a new name. If they did this to me... and i’m a mutant...what will they do with a powerless baby? Can you...can you come find me and bring me clothes. I think i’m sick...

Hey, you aren’t horrible, Sam, just really lame. Now, stop being stupid.

Um no, I don’t think I have. Sorry.

Hey now, you’re far from being a horrible person. Why don’t you want to face me? And as for missing the appointment, that’s more than fine Sam, it’s not your fault you had this happen to you. You’re not going to be horrible dad, you’re going to be amazing. It’s okay, you’re okay.

Dude! What is wrong with you? 

What do you mean, there’s nothing wrong with me. No, I need a bed, I have terrible jetlag.

Tempting as that sounds, gonna take a hard pass…you feeling alright man?

I’m feeling FINE! We’re having babies dude! Like mini people that look like us. We’ve been cloned! Want to race gets for their first birthday?!?! 

What the f– are you and Brittany on the same thing? Am I allowed to join this party? Will you send me a picture? I mean, I know you’re married, but…

Life? We’re HAPPY! What’s wrong with being happy Tempy? Of course! Come fly with me! You want pictures? OK! I don’t know where my phone went... I might’ve lost it in the ceiling fan fight! 

Are you okay?

Dude, did you eat an entire bag of pixie sticks again?