Evan's Chronicles 🧣

I don't think I would get to talk to you in person, but I hope someday you will read this. When I begin every year, I always wish one thing - to have you until the very end. Maybe this wish would remain a far-distant dream. Perhaps, I might not make it to your "good morning/ good night", yet you set up the fire in me, even in days when I felt I wasn't enough. In recent days, we hardly spoke to each other, unlike before, but all of our memories keep me alive. I believe that there's no purpose in forcing a connection to stay. Even though you say, " I don't mean to hurt you, never, I mean", you did hurt me unknowingly. Your absence creates a void in all of my days, even though I know I shouldn't be expecting anything from you. As you grow distant from my sight and heart, I hope you remain in good health and mind. Wherever you are, my prayers are always near.

From 23rd December till now, my mind has been playing puzzles in a really chaotic way.I always wished to talk to you properly ,but as time is less, talks were limited...But I felt a bit relieved when I came to meet you last day. Still, evenings are becoming a mess for me.

Life here has been quite traumatizing sometimes; I get really upset thinking I'll be left alone, feeling anxious about the past days & days to come and altogether it feels like I'm in a dark room, searching for a way out of it.

But reality is, after the day you left from here, I realised it's hard to hold on. Especially among these rogues in our church. All those incidents,created a distance between me and the church. I hardly feel like even smiling at anyone I meet there..

And... Yes, I felt very relieved, when I slept near you, without thinking about anything; and I really wished for it to last longer..  and now, very hurt because I couldn't spend too much time with you. And I know that to always be near you is practically impossible..With you, I felt like a break from all these chaos around me. Life nowadays is quite harsh on me, hoping for a relief soon.

It's my 3 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

This journey is truly an emotional one... Just as my life underwent transitions, my blog too underwent many..

I happened to start blogging just for the sake of my fandom towards a late actor in 2020.. I blogged casually, later it got into my veins and ultimately I fell in love with putting down my thoughts into words..

Year 2021.. a year of transformation for me.. a person who changed me completely- every thought, every thing I did and said was changed by that person after he stepped into my path in October.. and my life was on a peak..

Days and months passed.. the same continued in 2022.. And now, it's the year, 2023... As time gradually passed, I unknowingly fell in love with this person and life together seemed like a rollercoaster to us.. from your transfer to this very moment, distance always was a villain between us.. yet you took effort to make both ends meet.. that's something worth appreciating. My blog finally went from a mere brain dumping blog to a blog that is written solely for my beloved; the one I love.

Now, here we are.. life has brought us at crossroads.. of course, a lot of misunderstandings , talks, and unwanted allegations has entered our scene.. ultimately, we are left alone to travel.. and it's completely void now. Don't know how it feels on the other side..

Let me take this 3rd tumblrversary to say sorry once again, for all the words and talks that I had made during that fight.. I hope someday our broken bond will be mended ..

Before I conclude.. I'd like to share something here...

Every morning my alarm reminds me of you.. Ever wondered why??? Once I got closer to you, I had set a special ringtone just for your call .. and as your calls reduced.. I set it as my alarm tone.. so I think it as if you're calling me.. it instantly lit up my face..

Our journey had its flaws and goodness.. I learnt a lot, to live, love and be happy with what I have.. we've been in this rollercoaster together.. now, I guess I'm seated in the same rollercoaster, but we both are in two different seats this time..with the hope of reuniting someday..

Will the prayers that I recited ( and the prayers that I will recite in future) throughout this month get an answer?? Hope so...

Six months felt like a breakthrough. It already is. Wondering how "Good morning 😊" went to "Good Morning" from Sms to hardly sent WhatsApp texts. Good things happened, and a lot changed.

Maybe distance is what that taught me lifes hard and bitter lessons. Yet, I could never stop thinking about the very first day I spoke to you. Not sure whether you would think about all that. You'd probably call me insane for writing all these here, but let me say, my writing has your lifespan.

Yes, these days are completely filled with "unsures". Amidst these unsures, my hope rested only in you. I waited, but you're presence was unsure. Unsureity is what scares me, whether I'd be only a probability in your story or not...

Let's see what life has for us..

Your efforts never go in vain, I will always be grateful to you, for every minute, every second you spared for me.. just to be with me.. Because, after mama, nobody other than you would make so much effort to be with me. I'm blessed - Thank you won't be enough to convey what I have to, I guess I'll stop here.

Always and forever,

Yours Evans 😊

It's been a while since I've written on my blog here, but it does not limit my ability to love you. Anyway, I should not deny the fact that I always missed you, I just wanted to see you when I stoop down to my lowest, just to hold me and tell me that everything's going to be fine, with that big fat laugh of yours. Well, It's been surprising that you randomly come to meet me and Mama, it makes us feel we are not alone even in the midst of all the chaos going on around us, you are truly a big comfort for us.

It's the monsoon season now, and I'm pretty sure every rain that kisses the earth is gonna remind me of you. If I haven't forgotten, after I met you when you were here, it would rain. And from that time onwards, I used to see rain as a sign of our love. I wish I could spend some time with you in this monsoon too. I feel calm and happy, realizing the fact that even if you are far from me physically you're closer to me in heart.

As I scrolled through our old chats, I remember you asking me to be a catechism teacher. You always wanted me to be someone in life and Jesus has blessed me with a person who really encourages me. And YES! I did join the catechism department, as the choir in charge and substitute teacher. My luck factor indeed.

I want to make a lot of memories with you, but I don't know whether it will be possible any day, but it's not wrong to dream na. I even forgot about my dad at times, because I found all that love and warmth just from you. Every teeny tiny step I took ahead, I always discussed with Mama and the next person I'd ask would be you. You have taken almost every roles in my life.

Each time you carried me, each time you hugged me tight, and every time you made me feel loved, I realized how blessed and lucky I am to have you with me. There is a lot to write... I guess this is enough for now... Be my first and last love forever......!

Thank you, first of all, for taking the effort when I wanted to spend some time with you. Spending a night with you was never on my mind after you left from our place, but you made it possible. Planning with utmost care is such a task ,that ,if a small absence happens everything will come to a great risk. A thank you might seem little for all your big efforts. 😉

You tried your level best to make me happy and I could feel it. Even when I feel sad after being away from mama, lying beside you made me feel like my mama.❤️ The best part of having you, was that I could be open with you, even my worst nightmares I could share. I saw my dad in you, and I feel overwhelmed whenever I get any response from your side. One thing I can say is that, I will never be tired of being by your side, and having you in my life. My life revolves around my mama and you. (Just like my dad and mom.). I can't miss drinking whiskey ( or whatever it was) with you, and irritating me for sleeping a lot💤 Those were the treasured moments and I wish to keep them life long. The good moments were of course unforgettable.😁😁

I will surely miss staring at you when you were snoring while sleeping.. you might not know the number of kisses you got , because you slept so well👀 Everytime I visit your place, I'd have a flashback to your day of transfer, the day I cried a lot. It haunts me, even now🫥

Big Thanks for your support in my scholarship exam, with your love I could secure highest marks for the exam. You are my best luck factor always🥰

Anyways, I miss you so much now, because with you time flies fast. Keep making memories. Never leaving you alone. I will be waiting for your call and texts always.😊

Sunday felt empty and unusual without you. Mornings went unnoticed as I was caught up with the final rehearsal for the first Holy Communion Choir. But I used to pick up my phone in between to check your message, and I saw that smiley. I was excited and waiting to see you in the evening. Time passed… I didn't see your texts anymore and felt completely low. I feared whether you would go far away from me which always scared me to death (my worst nightmare). Finally, I decided to call you, it seemed rain took over its turn this time. I wish you spoke to me, at least texted me. Nothing worked. I sent messages from Instagram, still, nothing worked. I wanted to video call to at least see you, no response. I watched your sermon videos, just to see you for some time. No one can be busy 24/7... I kept waiting and I am still waiting. I never wanted you by my side always, I know you have a lot of other things that have to be done. But I wish you were with me when I needed you the most. Just seeing you from far, or at least hearing your voice is more than enough for me to be very happy. I see my dad in you sometimes, that's why I get too attached to you. That's the way you took care of me when I was with you. I stared at the old conversations where I first met you, and all the random talks we had from October 2021. Can't believe how everything changed so fast. From texting daily to barely good morning & good night texts, time went really fast. If ever you feel that I am overtaking you or pressuring you, never hesitate to tell me. If I am being any kind of trouble, I will try my best to walk away for you. It will hurt a lot because you are the person I will ever love.

It might sound funny, but for me, it can't be funny. I don't know what sort of person you are in my life, a friend? A dad? A brother? I don't know. But I know something, Tu me manque.

Yours, Evans.

This time the Holy week started out really well, by meeting you. And surely, I was quite gloomy after I reached back wondering whether there’d be a meetup really soon. Monday went on somehow. But I prayed and hoped to see you soon. And it happened as I prayed!

It was a Tuesday, If I’m not wrong, it was 4th of April- when I randomly thought of you while walking for the pastoral council’s Holy Mass. And I happened to see you on my way to church. The Benelli Bullet crossed my way, finally. But I didn’t want to see you getting trapped between those two vehicles. Wednesday was another day that I didn’t want to exist, because last year, you were here and I had my energy to do anything. The way of the cross was even funnier than before, the cross lost its arm when it was about to reach the church. But the church missed you too, I think. I kept thinking about you when Fr. Arun was delivering the sermon after each station. Like that, Wednesday passed and Thursday came.

This Thursday started by overthinking, not anything else, but I wanted to see you, because I knew, today there was chrism mass in our parish, and you must have come. But still, somehow I studied my lessons for namesake. Suddenly, by 2.13 pm, I received your phone call asking me to come out to the road, I was wondering why and stuck for a while. I got ready and ran out, my dopamines were all at the peak when I knew you’re coming to meet me. You came with something unexpected this time; a blue cover and a wish – Happy Easter ( before Jesus was even crucified). I was soooooo very happy and never ever expected this in my whole life. I watched you leave back as you gave the gift and left. I ran with all my energy to see what was inside. A navy blue sleeveless frock that looked so cute. I loved it, the unexpected gift. Adoration was Beautiful many appreciated me, as I sang our favorite Adoration song, you know. That is not all.

The next days were all beautiful because, I had the energy after I met you on Thursday. It lasted till Easter Sunday. I was reminded of Last Year’s Good Friday, after I heard the choir sing all the traditional songs. I missed watching you run about, all busy with work. I missed you always. This Easter was the best but I wish you were here too… I was blessed to do the Gospel reading and also sing for the 7 o clock Easter Holy mass. And like cherry to the cake- you a came home for Easter. What more can I ask for??? I have never been so happy before. I wish, everything goes like this… isn’t it?

April 1st was not April fool’s day, instead, it should be labelled the Re-union- day.

 Finally, after the long wait, I could be with you. I was so much happy and at the same time worried whether I would trouble you in the night. My heart beat raised abnormally thinking about how it would be to stay with you and that too with a person I love a lot. I thought it would be difficult when I stay away from Mama, but you took care of me just like my Mama did. The long hug that I got was so relieving and I didn’t want to leave you ever again. I felt really lonely after you left but I was eagerly waiting to be with you once you’re back. And that’s the thing about love – the pain of waiting for your loved one is sweet, and I am lucky to experience that. It will surely hurt, but all the beautiful memories you gave me are sweeter. It was the worst moment when I got my period in the midst of all my excitement and the scare of how will I tell you this. You must have been annoyed but still, you took good care of me. Not a moment felt boring with you, but it was really memorable. I was much happier when I realized that I need not send Goodnight texts as that person is right beside me. We had fun with unlimited cuddles and good times. But those will be treasured, as there’s no one to take up that space and never will be. It was the first time in my whole life that I really drank a brandy I guess, the Beehive. You fulfilled your promise to have it with me, even though it felt like fire in my gut. The dinner was my favorite when it came to kappa and fish curry, I loved watching you eating and talking endlessly. Watching the IPL that I used to hate, became my point of interest for some time, at least. But I couldn’t stop staring at you. I loved watching you iron your clothes for the next day. Then, Time went so fast that you had your meeting and stuff, and ultimately it was time to sleep. I thought I will end up sleeping in another room, but no, I ended up being with you all night. The night was pretty funny than I expected- lying beside you there was nothing called to rest and goodnight sleep- good times were limited and so we had fun for a long time and forgot to sleep. Then we slept, but you never forgot to take care of me. When I felt cold you turned off the AC, when I wanted water, you gave me water to drink, those little things mattered much to me. I never knew how time flew so fast, I loved being by your side- but I know that won’t be practical at all.

The morning was the funniest when you woke me up all cuddled with love and laughter, and I will never forget how I slept just to spend time until you came. It was Palm Sunday, and the usual order had changed for me – The one who was eager to attend the Bishop’s high mass, is now on cloud 9. But I didn’t mess up – I attended the holy mass in the evening. We had breakfast and as I got ready to leave, I could find a void creeping between us. It felt unpleasant to leave you alone and it is what it is. I felt wonderstruck to know that I spoke while sleeping and you made fun of me. But it was something to cherish. Before leaving, I can call it the most lovely moment that I will never ever forget – Watching the James and Alice movie and falling asleep together. Serenity, what else can I call it? I hope more memories would be created. The last kiss before leaving will make me miss you more. Anyway, thanks for teaching me what it is to love and to be loved.

Gazing out of the bus window, Hopelessly, suddenly my phone vibrates… Curiously, I take out my phone from my bag, I was happy for a moment, seeing your good morning text you sent me lately. This happiness lasted only for a moment, as I scrolled through our chats…How fast everything changed! The unexpected texts you had sent before, brought the same smile on my face... Unsure, whether you’ll talk to me ,just the way you used to before...

I prayed so hard just to meet you from far, just a glance away. I used to stare at the junction road, to see whether I could meet you randomly, the way how we used to meet during my pre- degree class... (Remember the only ‘fan’ in my class?)  Everything had bits and pieces of you and me. And sometimes, I fail miserably to hold back my emotions. It’s tough to distract myself from thinking about you, the church itself is a very big proof, to remind me of all the precious moments we shared, despite the problems we faced and the limited time we had...

 Will we have any more memories like that again? Will we ever meet like before? Will I ever be able to talk like before to or will you ever listen to what I have to say? I don’t know. Might be you’re busy, or, there must be something else. It hurts when there’s no chance to even meet the one love. Every car, every bullet, everything… had a piece of you in it. I do not want the traveling distance to separate both of us. That hurts worse than a stab on my heart. Time is so unfair, I really long for those moments with you… Eating chocolates, ice-creams…Singing songs, Fighting over small things… You taught me what it takes to love someone whole heartedly… I don’t want the distance to be a cause for our separation. I never want it to happen, because if forever was a person, it will only be you.

Meeting you was my top priority after you left here, and the wait was painful… Time went really fast, maybe because God knew I was dying to meet you… Almost a month of not being close to each other made me go insane and wished to go back to when we first met… Counting hours and getting ready to meet you were the best moments, it felt like a preparation for something really big… And finally, the wait was over when I reached your place and rang you up… I must have been a hindrance to your sleep but whatever it is, I was madly waiting to meet you… The moment I entered the place, It was like a flashback to last month when I entered, the newly painted, empty rooms and all your things locked in the guest room… This time everything was organized and pleasant… I glanced at all the framed photos once again, not getting tired of watching them again and again…  I never got tired of staring at your face.

                                                                                            This is what I wanted; To be in my world, not in the literal sense, but it was my life revolving around two great persons- my mama and You. And that was the only reason why I exist even today. The pains of the past days were about to burst the moment I saw you but somehow, I controlled, it until I got a chance to tell whatever I feel… I never expected to get a chance just to talk to you for minutes at least.

                                                           It was a session of doubt because I doubted whether you would love me the way you loved me before… I feared whether you would accept what I had to say, True I couldn’t complete what I needed to, I couldn’t be free to open up. But the moment I hugged you, I cried so hard and never wanted to go back… No one could ever make me laugh the way you did… I am sorry, for not taking your advice seriously…

It was really cute when you irritated me with your feet beneath the table just to make me smile, while mama was talking. Home, for me, was two persons… and no one could ever take that from me. You’re right, You are my energy, literally. Just watching you from far charged my battery up to 99%. I didn’t want to leave and go back home... I swear I really did want to be with you and I wish I could soon be with you, always... Be my battery always.

I don’t know how the last few weeks passed by … I don’t know how many days I crossed out in the calendar…  No idea about the moments I sat thinking about meeting you… If I had to think about it before, meeting you was so much easy, but now you’re nearly 9 km away from me… And meeting you always is not possible too, that hurts really bad…  Past days were really hard for me and even harder as you were not with me… When you were around, everything and anything felt light and I could be more confident with myself… ‘You will know the value of a person until he’s nowhere around you’ and I learned that… Just even watching you from a far distance calmed me when no one couldn’t…  I wish I could be something that doesn’t leave you at all, at least in my next lifetime… My exams became my worst fear, which I never had... I wished I had you to at least encourage me at my lowest I know that’s not possible like before… Every time my bus reached the turning at your place, I’d peep out to see whether I could meet you randomly, yet that never happened… I wrote my examinations so eagerly thinking that I could meet you soon… There were times when I wished that I could turn invisible and reach your place just to hear the loud laugh you always laughed… the lame and dumb jokes you say… and the tricks you used to play… Nothing can take them away from me, I am waiting for the moment when I can meet you, and I will cherish it for my whole lifetime…

These days were barely normal. I myself was unaware of what was happening around me. It’s going to be nearly a month since everything went out of order. Whatever goes, a day doesn’t pass without thinking about you, not sure whether it is the same over there. As time passes I mastered the art of pretending. At times, I accidentally come across the times of last year we spent during the lent… the adoration.. the video shoot, and everything... It was hard to get back on track without you and adjust to such a situation just for the sake of my church. I know I must accept it, But sometimes I fail.

My mind weighs me down as I see things that I don’t want to see, as I hear things I don’t want to hear…  Forever I will be grateful because I was brought into the limelight only because of you... I learned a lot of things even which I never wanted to... I learned how to smile even when time doesn’t allow so.. Each time I enter for practice, I am reminded of the year that passed by really soon.. The jangling sound of the keys every time you passed by, made me look out for you.. Every cadburys chocolate that I ate reminded me that it was sweeter when you were beside me… It doesn’t taste the same anymore.. I never think all these on purpose, It happens casually…

With great hopes I leave to my college for my exam, thinking that you are near than before..  Insane it might feel..  I cross out the days on my calendar waiting to meet you soon… I don’t know whether you do the same… Might sound crazy.. I don’t know why this happens so, must be because you took up a big space in my life; my dad’s place? My brother? My friend? I don’t know.. Never found an answer to all these... Hope that everything will be fine soon… reminiscing you always…,

The First Sunday without you. And I have to pretend today, in front of many people. Everything around me has bits and pieces of you, and, I cannot unsee it. Everything felt abnormal, including me. This is really terrible, but have to accept it somehow. When I opened up the glass window of our choir platform, for a second, I saw your illusion, I saw you smiling at me, wearing the red and black t-shirt. I couldn't resist thinking about how time passed so soon.

After you left, it felt as if the world left me... I can't take it anymore, tired of smiling and giggling in front of everyone, pretending to be okay. Every song I sang, every tune I hummed, and every song I listened to, had you in it. Passing by the room we spent time together, tore me apart... When my mama calls me Evan, I remember you calling me 'Evan' for the first time... That became my favorite nickname... Every time my phone vibrates, I think it is a text or a call from you...

I know, there won't be any calls on Saturdays and Sundays...Everyone seemed dead without you... Staying away from you feels very scary and hurtful. Watching somebody else take up your place is painful, and doesn't feel the same. I wish I could see you in some time, hug you tight and cry until I forget the pain... I will come back to you, my life feels drained... Cherishing you forever...

Rain is followed by thunder 🌩️,

That's exactly what life teaches us... Whatever be the situation, this too shall pass :) 🤗

~Be happy, cherish the precious moments of life.. 🕺🏻

🌕The blue moon 🌕

Moon watching satisfies my soul, at times.. I feel like there's someone who cares for me or to say watches me from above.. Some nights, we can see the moon up in the sky with millions & millions of stars.. But later on, if we notice at some point, The moon can be seen left all alone. Although, being alone, the moon shines brighter than before..Proves that, you will be the only person who will be with you till the very end..🦋