Perfect Illusion

“Is competitive Marco Polo a sport? Because if it isn’t, it should be, we could actually win that.” Peter chuckled. “I really think she will, she’s gonna see how much we love each other and totally change her mind, she just needs time to get to know the real you.” Peter explained. “Worse than a few days ago doubled.” Peter told her. “I don’t know if you can imagine this but my parents are… they’re so loving and helpful but they are… Catholics and they are old fashioned.” He explained, letting out a frustrated groan. “So when I introduced them to a man I was dating for the first time it got ugly, just… really ugly. My mother cried and told me she couldn’t imagine living in heaven without me but if I kept that up I wouldn’t be there.” He explained. “She’s since… lightened up but… I bet she’s pretty glad you’re a woman.” He explained. “Exactly, you wouldn’t say that to someone else, you shouldn’t say it to yourself.” He explained. “I don’t know a lot about a lot of things, but I like to think I understand enough about the world to know that… it’s not your fault.” He explained. “Hey maybe that would make someone appreciate their family more, I already appreciate my parents more just listening to you.” Peter snickered. Even as Dinah apologized for lashing out Peter felt like he was dying. How could he be so stupid? How could he try to excuse it? As she began to explain that she’d been assaulted by men who thought she was a prostitute he took in an angry breath. “That’s horrible that’s- that’s… I’m so sorry that happened to you.” He said, searching for the right words but pausing when she asked him if he’d done something similar. Peter wasn’t an angry person, hardly ever, but something about that notion really irked him. Still he didn’t raise his voice but was quick in telling her. “No, of course not.” He said seriously, pinching the bridge of his nose and exhaling. “Dinah, please, that’s not, that’s not me… I made a stupid mistake but that isn’t me.” He said, his eyes tearing up again. “You want to know what happened? I was on a job in Amsterdam and I was taking some pictures, and she was in front of this building and I asked to take her picture and then we talked, and she told me I was cute and… my first real girlfriend and I had just broken up, I’d been drinking most of the night and it felt so good to have someone tell me I was good looking because really that wasn’t… nevermind it’s… it’s not important. What is important was she told me a price, and I paid it and that was it, really.” He described, his voice trembling. “I never even considered doing that again… I wouldn’t I… Dinah I am so sorry for what happened to you, whoever did that was… horrible and evil.” He said. “Please, please, please, I know that it probably really hurt you but please… please know I’m better than that.”

Ella wished that her mother could just tell her all the answers, she didn’t want to find something to live for, she wanted to have it. She didn’t know how to find it at this point. “It can’t just be the beginning when there’s already so much I’ve fucked up, I have a colossal path of destruction behind me.” She shook her head. “Like fuckin Godzilla.” The woman sighed. “I know I just… I was a bitch before too, you know that as well as I do. I’ve been a bitch since I was like eight years old, I don’t know how you didn’t drown me.” Ella rolled her eyes. When Bonnie tried to tell her to stop saying she should be hated she shook her head. There was no way that was true, but she didn’t want to argue anymore. “Yeah, he kinda like… I don’t know I think maybe he would be happy. I kinda always wanted a boy too, girls are… bitches.” She said, catching herself admitting she wanted the baby and sighing. This was a lot, it was all at once, this child she’d been saying from the start she couldn’t keep, that she’d been trying so hard not to want. She was so anxious as she waited for her mother to answer her, she could tell the woman was shocked and Ella was suddenly afraid she’d be angry. She’d been kind enough to let Ella back into her home and now she might be dragging a whole baby into it too. However Bonnie seemed so excited, even Ella could see that. “I just… I don’t…” She stammered uneasily. “I don’t know I just think maybe, I don’t know…” She said, wiping her eyes. “I was so scared, mom, I thought he was going to die and I thought if he died I was going to die too and… I think… I don’t think I can live my life knowing I didn’t try harder for him.”

“You know I would never lie to you.” Malcolm told her in a calm tone though there was no mistaking in his voice that he was serious. “My diet? Please… It’s not all that ruined, I probably should be watching my weight but admittedly… I’ve gotten a bit tubby.” He chuckled. “Well I will do the cooking then, I really enjoy it. It’s… calming.” Malcolm shrugged. “I don’t think I ever really got to cook for you before, my mother never let me use the kitchen, always told me that cooking would be my wife’s job.” He rolled his eyes. “I found though that I really enjoy it.” He explained. “Thank you.” The man gave her a quiet nod, genuinely believing her, and taking comfort in knowing this was an option in his life again. He let out a deep breath as Bonnie confirmed the strain in his and his daughter’s relationship was something she could relate to he shook his head. “I’m sorry to hear it, I don’t know what to do for her now. She’s… an adult and I can’t force her to spend time with me, she comes and visits me on… half her school breaks but, I’m sure that won’t last.” He sighed. “I wasted so many good years I could have been just… enjoying her.” The man shook his head. “I’m sorry I- you don’t need to hear this.” He told her. “I hope to do better, I’m sure, things with Ella might begin to go better soon as well.” The man explained. “I honestly don’t know, I wish I had kept in touch, maybe things would have gone better.” He shook his head, knowing that he’d stopped talking to her years ago for a reason, and it was probably for the best. “No, I’m not.” He shook his head, though stopped when she said if she could only have one man like him take interest in her. His heart wrenched as he looked down at the table, wanting to open his mouth and tell her he had loved her, that he may still love her. But they’d only just reconnected, and things probably hadn’t changed. “I think there might be a good man out there for you.” He said quietly. “And any man who has you would be the luckiest man alive.” He told her. “We clearly do.” He shook his head. “Tell me something I don’t know, about the last twenty or so years… what’s something you did that you really enjoyed?”

“That’s true. We always have fun.” Dinah let out a smirk, knowing that as long as they’re together, they always manage to have a pleasant time, more than she ever had with anyone. “That’s accurate.” She agreed, laughing as Peter made fun of himself and her. “Well that’s… It’s good to hear. I really don’t want her to hate me forever, I plan on seeing her many, many times.” She stayed with a hint of hope in her voice. “Oh gosh, that doesn’t surprise me, if I’m honest.” She chuckled a bit, as Peter’s parents really didn’t seem like the progressive type. “Well, sometimes it’s easier to think that bad things happened to me because I did bad. At least that way the world makes sense.” She grunted, not really enjoying these emotional talks but knowing they were inevitable. “No, I don’t think that, I don’t know.” She mumbled quietly, not even sure where she stands anymore. “Trust me, you can write a horror book about my whole family, but that’s for another time.” She muttered bitterly, thinking she already shared more than enough. “What’s wrong? Peter, what the fuck?” She widened her eyes, grunting. “Well, that was a mistake, you do understand that, right?” She shook her head. “Yeah, I would say you were stupid.” She scolded him. “It was one time? Right?”

Bonnie nodded her head, relating to her daughter’s emotions; when the younger woman ran away, she didn’t know what she had to live for anymore. “You will find out. You will find the thing that’s worth living for. It’s a super confusing time, I know it is. You feel like you are awful, that you have nothing in this world anymore but that’s not true. You have friends who love you, a mother who loves you, you have support and you can find your inner spark. I know you have it.” She fought with her, not letting her daughter to sink down the drain. “You’re not rotten, I know you’re trying. And I appreciate it.” She hugged her, running her fingers through her daughter’s hair gently. As she and Ella waited anxiously for the doctor, Bonnie tapped her feet against the ground nervously. “I won’t ever hate you.” She assured her confidently. She listened to Ella ad she described the situation again, preparing herself for the worst but raising her eyebrows as the doctor confirmed the baby- a boy, is alive and well. “Don’t worry, I’ll make sure she rests.” She smiled at her daughter, letting out a sigh of relief. “I saw him!” She told her excitedly, “They always look like aliens. But he is a very handsome alien at that.”

Ella’s throat tightened as tears spilled from her eyes still. “I just feel like it’s so useless, it’s so stupid… like what am I bothering for? Aaron is dead, and I’m such a loser, and now I’ve been trying to be good… but now this is happening and I just don’t… understand what is the point?” She whined, her voice cracking in desperation. “I thought I could do one good thing, like if Aaron is gone maybe his baby would make someone happy but… I mean what’s the point?” She cried. “I don’t know, mom, I think it’s impossible for everything to be okay. I just don’t think… I don’t think there’s any way this is going to be okay.” While she stayed close against Bonnie she shook her head. “I know, I should just say it more…” She said quietly. “I’m sorry for being such a bitch all the time.” She whimpered. While they sat in the room waiting for the doctor Ella awkwardly changed into the hospital gown. “I’m just… please don’t… please don’t hate me if something happens.” Ella begged. “I don’t know if I’m going to be able to live with myself.” She whined, pausing when a woman wearing a lab coat came in with an ultrasound machine. Ella swallowed harshly and put a hand on her stomach. “Ella? Hi do you want to lay back on the table and we can take a look and see what’s going on?” Ella nodded quietly, her lip quivering. “Okay.”

“Yeah? Maybe drag me around with a wheelchair.” Dinah offered jokingly, only somewhat bitterly. She knew it would take her time to even gain half of her ability to move around like she used to, and she definitely wasn’t going dancing anytime soon. “I love you too.” She mumbled quietly, can’t helping a small grin escape her lips. “I don’t know…” She grunted, wondering if she really did make a change in the woman’s heart. “If you think so.” she shrugged her shoulders, not wanting to dwell on the matter. “Well, they’re your parents, and they matter to you, so they matter to me. I want to do good, especially as uhm, well, I never met a boyfriend’s parents before, actually.” She confessed, “I don’t want to flop it as hard as I did.” She stated decisively. “I don’t know, would bad stuff even happen to me if I wasn’t bad? You know, my father used to tell me I would bring evil spirits with the we I behaved, sometimes I think he was right.” She whispered, grunting heavily. “You always manage to put a positive spin on everything.” She rolled her eyes, though it did make her feel a little better. “That’s not being bad, that’s being in a bad place.” She argued, not letting him suffer for his actions- up until he mentioned having sex with a prostitute. Shocked, she stayed quiet for a couple of moments, “You what?” She finally said, her voice strained, “Peter! What the fuck? Do you know how incredibly wrong this is? God, I could smack you right now! What were you thinking?” She snapped, not understanding how he could’ve done such a thing; her sweet innocent Peter. “Well, now I’m disappointed you solicited a hooker.” She shook her head. “I love you too, I think, even after you told me this- but Peter- why? Damn it, you must’ve known it was wrong.”

“It’s worth it, I truly believe, besides you’re beautiful just as you are.” Malcolm told her, knowing she didn’t need to lose an ounce of weight. She was beautiful as she had ever been, even after all these years he couldn’t help but notice it. “That’s true, I’ll have to go more often, because these are delicious, thank you so much.” He told her gratefully, though felt far less graceful as the woman offered to meet with him on lunch breaks, never leaving him to have a meal alone again. “Bonnie, you are too kind. The same goes for you…” He offered. “I never want you to feel like you should be alone, please call me anytime, for anything really.” He told the woman. “Thank you, it is absolutely lovely.” He told her. “I don’t know about that, I haven’t seen Ella in years but Angela is… well she has friends, so I know she likes some people in the world, but I am certainly not one of them.” He sighed. “It’s not that I don’t deserve it, I do. I was… not a good father over the last several years.” He explained. “But I did that because you were my best friend too, you were always there for me when I needed you most.” He said with a sad smile, knowing how much he had adored her when they were younger and how ultimately it was a part of why he had to distance himself from her. “You would never have to repay me, you were my best friend.” He stated. “You aren’t nah, any man would be lucky to have you.” He stated. “I missed you too, I missed… having these kinds of talks.”

Peter leaned his head against her, shutting his eyes for a second and enjoying the moment. “I’m glad too.” He stated, when they were broken up this was all he had wanted, he was so worried that he’d never get to just snuggle with her again. “Not if you don’t want to dance, I’m just saying I would. You know there’s other ways to dance too.” He shrugged. “But even if we never dance, I love you the way you are.” He told the woman. “You never know, she really seemed to change her tone after you two talked the other night.” The man assured her. “I think it’ll be okay, I really do.” He smiled. “Well, I really appreciate that you’re trying at all, especially after how they talked to you because… you don’t have to, you don’t owe them anything. They’re MY parents, but, it means a lot that you’re trying.” He explained. “No you do not, of course you don’t.” Peter told her. “You were put in a bad situation before you ever did anything wrong it’s not… it’s not karma.” He explained. “You shouldn’t be ashamed of who you are. You can be upset with who you were, a long time ago, but I know that’s not who you are. You’re the kind of woman who just came into my house through the front door knowing my family hates you because you wanted to hang out. You’re someone who can see your mistakes and wants to make them better. That’s the kind of person you are.” He told her seriously. “A lot of things.” Peter shrugged. “I uh, drove my last boyfriend away because I was such a miserable asshole he couldn’t stand me anymore. I get so insecure I literally drive people insane. I told you I loved you after you explicitly told me to take things slow, that was a dick move.” He explained. “I once got so desperate to feel… I don’t know… positive attention that I had sex with a prostitute, like I can not stress enough that I literally paid for that. I will do just about anything to make someone love me it’s ridiculous.” He told her, knowing he had hundreds more faults but he was starting to work himself up. “I was only disappointed because you lied.” He told her. “You are who you are and I want to love YOU. I do love you, not a made up version of you.” He told her. “I do, and I know that the fact you’re trying proves you’re a better person than you give yourself credit for.”

Ella’s throat tightened as tears spilled from her eyes still. “I just feel like it’s so useless, it’s so stupid… like what am I bothering for? Aaron is dead, and I’m such a loser, and now I’ve been trying to be good… but now this is happening and I just don’t… understand what is the point?” She whined, her voice cracking in desperation. “I thought I could do one good thing, like if Aaron is gone maybe his baby would make someone happy but… I mean what’s the point?” She cried. “I don’t know, mom, I think it’s impossible for everything to be okay. I just don’t think… I don’t think there’s any way this is going to be okay.” While she stayed close against Bonnie she shook her head. “I know, I should just say it more…” She said quietly. “I’m sorry for being such a bitch all the time.” She whimpered. While they sat in the room waiting for the doctor Ella awkwardly changed into the hospital gown. “I’m just… please don’t… please don’t hate me if something happens.” Ella begged. “I don’t know if I’m going to be able to live with myself.” She whined, pausing when a woman wearing a lab coat came in with an ultrasound machine. Ella swallowed harshly and put a hand on her stomach. “Ella? Hi do you want to lay back on the table and we can take a look and see what’s going on?” Ella nodded quietly, her lip quivering. “Okay.”

“Don’t do it, nobody should do it unless they have to. Remember how much I used to love spaghetti?” Malcolm told her with a scowl. “Nothing is as good, nothing. I would never subject myself to this if it wasn’t making me sick not to.” The man explained before he got up to grab a cupcake, sitting back down before he took a bite. “Oh these are delicious.” Malcolm told her. “Oh… I’ve never heard that said… I hope I don’t die alone. I eat alone all the time.” He coughed. “It is, they’re really wonderful, and so skilled, it’s not like when I was studying, people are so creative now and there’s so many more resources.” He told the woman, knowing she probably wasn’t too interested in the ins and outs of an architecture firm. “It’s all the truth.” He told the woman, smiling when she took his hand. “Daughters are much worse, my cats have never yelled at me, my daughter yells at me all the time.” He told the woman and shook his head. “Well of course.” Malcolm smiled. “God forbid a girl have a personality.” Malcolm rolled his eyes. “You were mine.” He told her. “You were the best thing in my life back then. I could never… repay you for your kindness.” Malcolm smiled. “Yes, I think it’s just… well… I needed to stay away from relationships.” He explained. “Really? Well… I can’t argue, I just thought you’re so… awesome, people would be missing out.” He explained. “Well of course you are!” He smiled. “Of course.”

“Why would you be proud of me?” Ella asked, thinking that while she had been trying to do better, she wasn’t doing a very good job of it or she wouldn’t be in this situation right now. As Bonnie continued to explain that she didn’t have to ged clean, that she could still be right where she was a few months ago, Ella bit her lip and wiped her eyes. “Thanks…” She said quietly, whimpering when her mother told her to try and stay optimistic, knowing that it might be useless. “I just can’t, mom.” She said. “I can’t be optimistic, I’m scared.” She confessed. When they sat down and her mother took her hand Ella leaned over to wrap her arms around the woman, crying into Bonnie’s sleeve for a minute while the woman tried to soothe her. “You’re a really good mom, I’m sorry I didn’t say that more.” Ella told her, not trying to give the illusion of looking collected. When the nurse came to call her in Ella looked at Bonnie and nodded. “Please.” She asked, going to one of the more secluded rooms with the nurse, trying to keep collected as she explained her situation to the nurse while her vitals were taken. Eventually the nurse handed her a gown and told her to change, that someone would be in soon to make sure everything was okay. Ella nodded and looked to Bonnie when the nurse left. “Mom…” She started quietly, looking at the woman again. “Whatever happens, you’re not gonna be mad at me, right?” 

Peter inhaled a sound of content as he scooted himself closer to the woman, recalling how much he had loved holding her, enjoying to just have her close to him. “Yeah?” He responded quietly. “That’s good, because I love you too.” He told the woman, unable to get over how happy he was to hear it. “I’ll hold you up.” He promised, shaking his head. “You know people can dance in more ways, we don’t have to be good at it.” He told her. He was so glad to have Dinah becoming such a big part in his life, but as she explained that she was still scared of his mother he sighed. “She still doesn’t really know you, once she gets to know you, she’ll love you.” Peter told her, though even he wasn’t sure of that would ever happen, he knew how stubborn his mother could be. “She will never get in my head, okay?” He told the woman seriously. “Never.” The man promised, nodding as she explained that she didn’t want his parents to hate her. “They don’t hate you, they just don’t really know you the way I do.” Peter explained. He gave her hand a tight squeeze as he could tell the woman was crying when she had explained everything that happened. However when she moved away from him he let her, sitting where he was. “Well I am sorry, because you don’t deserve any of that.” He explained. “No you aren’t Dinah, you’re a good person who did something bad because you were hurt.” Peter told her. “What you did, it was wrong but, I don’t need to tell you that, because you understand that and you’re moving foreword. The reason you feel bad is because you know that’s not who you are, you’re a good person.” He told her. As she expressed that she couldn’t tell him, calling him perfect, he shook his head. “Listen, I’m not perfect, okay?” He told her. “I care about you, and I try to do the right thing but… I’m not perfect. I’ve done some bad things in my life.” He sighed, not wanting to really get into any of those bad things. “Dinah.” He said when she asked how he couldn’t see the rotten parts of her. “I think you found the only benefit to dating a blind man, because I don’t see anything rotten about you. I know who you are, I really do.” He exhaled. “You are a woman who had to work hard to escape a bad situation, and you were hurt for it. So you lashed out.” Peter told her. “I know you’re a really good person.”

“Nah, gluten free is the best. That way everyone can eat together.” Bonnie affirmed with a wave of hand. “Nah, I’m sure you’re a great boss. I can’t imagine you ever being mean to anyone.” She told him honestly, figuring Malcolm couldn’t hurt a fly. “Yeah? Yeah, maybe I still have some thunder is me after all.” She chuckled, hoping that she didn’t lose all of her gleefulness during the course of her adulthood. As the man mentioned he missed her, she gave him a smile, giving him a little nudge on the shoulder. “Me too. Only now that I saw you again I realize how much you were missing from my life.” She said honestly, already feeling happier from the moment they reunited; she really did love him so much. “Yeah, you’re right.” She sighed heavily, knowing life has been kind to neither of them. “Well, that sounds demanding!” She sneered, chuckling a little. “Yeah, I’d say!” She laughed, not wanting to seem like she’s surprised he’s making a money, but also- the man had freaking horses. “Please do.” She smiled. “Hopefully she doesn’t want to see me in the afterlife either.” She joked, flipping her hair over her shoulder. “You can call it that.” She giggled, moving a bit closer to him, “Speaking of the Knight in a shining armor- have you been seeing anyone lately?” She inquired with a raise of eyebrow. “Girls didn’t know shit anyway. Besides, I loved you, and I was obviously the only girl worthwhile.” She smiled.

Ella bit down on her lip as she tried to keep herself from sobbing. All she’d done for the past twenty eight years added up to nothing good, she felt as though there wasn’t a single person who benefited from her existence. “I’m trying!” She cried. “I’ve been trying so hard to be good, and to stay clean, I’m trying so hard and I’m still fucking it up somehow!” She cried. “It’s not fair, I wanted to do this right!” She expressed, hanging her head. “Just once, one thing in my life I wanted to do right…” She repeated, quieter this time as she tried to shrink deeper into her seat. “I didn’t say it’s their fault, I’m saying this time it is my fault. If I didn’t get some shady ass abortion, or if I wasn’t using drugs, this might not be happening, or if it was it might not be my fault then but given my history if something is wrong with the baby it’s probably something I did.” She whimpered. As Bonnie continued to try to tell her they didn’t know what was going on yet, this could be nothing, Ella shook her head. No, she was sure she knew. The woman got out of the car, walking quietly alongside her mother as they went inside. She was glad to see her mother talk to the receptionist before her because when Ella started looking around all she wanted to do was cry, she’d been to the ER enough times in her life but this time it was worse. When they sat in the waiting room Ella sniffed, wiping her eyes on her sleeve. “Thank you… for bringing me here.” She said quietly. “I don’t… know what I’d do if I was doing this alone so… thanks.”

Peter offered the woman a kind smile, wrapping an arm around the woman gently as she agreed with his idea of moving foreword. “I’m glad to hear that.” He told her, leaning over to give her a careful kiss on the cheek. “I know you’re joking, but I would love to dance with you.” Peter told her, grinning warmly at the idea. “I’ll show you where the door is, seriously I want you to feel welcome here whenever you want, it’s like a nice little apartment downstairs and my parents never go down there.” He explained, knowing it still sounded horrible. “I just want you to know, she really doesn’t police my life… and I don’t want you to be scared of her.” He explained with a sigh. “You’re my girlfriend, and I love you, and nothing she says will ever change that. I want to be able to be with you and have you feel safe and comfortable.” Peter assured her, knowing it was unfair that she had any reason not to feel that way. “Well I know I have photos of giraffes, probably hundreds. They’re fun to photograph because there’s really nothing quite like them.” He explained. “Really, I want you to know whatever my parents feel about you, they’re wrong, okay? They don’t understand they only got one look at the situation and that’s my fault. I’m sorry, but now… now they’re gonna have to understand that you are the person I love.” He told her in a gentle voice. As Dinah began to tell her story, Peter quieted himself, but he could feel the tension rising in the room. Still he sat quietly and listened as she explained it to him, this time in a bit more detail than before. That she was arranged into a marriage with an abusive man who left her when they realized she couldn’t have children. That her family had abandoned her for this situation she couldn’t help. That when she started stripping as a means to make money she’d been assaulted, the very idea of which nauseated Peter. He could understand why she’d be weary of relationships, why she would want to be hateful. As she explained how badly she had hurt people he swallowed, not liking it, but not wanting to write her off for it. She was hurt, and it sounded like the men she was with weren’t that good of men in the first place. “Dinah I am so sorry.” He croaked quietly, wishing he knew what to say to her to make her feel better, wanting to apologize for prying but also feeling better knowing at least this story was honest. Still he didn’t know what to tell her. “Nobody deserves that, nobody, and especially not you when you’re such a great person.” He told her. “I’m sorry, to pry, I really am.” He admitted. “I just don’t understand why you weren’t upfront with me.” He questioned. “I would have listened, I would have understood.”

Bonnie let out a smirk, shaking her head slightly. “Yeah, that’ll show them for sure.” She rolled her eyes, amused by the fact that’s the best her friend could do when it comes to revenge; he truly was an extremely sensible and sweet guy. It wasn’t until up to the moment she met him again that she realized how much she missed him. “I’ve seen worse bosses.” She sneered, truly speaking from experience. “I will, don’t worry.” She winked at him as she took another sip of the orange juice. “I haven’t?” She raised her eyebrows, not sharing his opinion. “I think you just get the best out of me. I don’t know, I think I lost some of my thunder.” She smiled a little, sighing. “Of course, I’m never wrong.” She shrugged her shoulder. “Oh god, that’s rough.” She frowned at the thought of having to give up the dog during the divorce, as if the loss of a child and a relationship wasn’t enough. “The cats are just cats.” She affirmed with a grin. “Horses? Goddamn it, Mal, how much money do you make?” She scoffed. “Hell yeah, you do.” She laughed. “I still can’t believe she’s dead. She’s probably haunting me.” She chuckled a bit, though only half joking. “Oh my goodness.” She couldn’t help but to laugh at the sight of her muddy self and scrawny little Malcolm. “Well, he fucking deserved it. No punk is messing with my best friend.” She smiled, flipping through another picture of them when they were slightly older, probably around middle school age. “Look at you, a true womanizer.” She teased him.