icedmilk

Deep down you know what you’re expecting of this. You can’t also deny the longing you feel each time you interact with Jungkook. How could you not, when the said man has been nothing less than enticing. It makes you confused at times, because you know how good he was even when he was younger, but it feels like it amplifies a hundred times. It’s as if he’s the living proof of the phrase, aging like a fine wine. 

And you’re not just talking about appearance–it might turn into a seminar you’ll gladly host just to break down every single thing about Jungkook that makes your heart pitter patter like a school girl–but the wholesomeness of him. Like the way he always knows what to say, when to say or even not say anything at all. 

It makes you question whether the amount of money and time you’ve spent on therapy is purposeful because you’re literally five seconds away from asking Jungkook, what are we? Knowing if his answer does not involve romantic feelings you might need another six months of intense visit.

So is it even worth it? To risk your heart on the line again? To gamble whether this time around things will last, feelings will stay and the one you’re giving your heart to won’t betray?

The soft snore coming out of Miyeon makes you turn your attention to her, the little girl currently sleeping in your bed. You caress her hair tenderly, appreciating how beautiful she looks with her long lashes falling on her chubby cheeks. And it strikes you, you no longer have the luxury of making foolish decisions. Especially ones that might have implications on Miyeon. Now everything feels exciting because you live in a bubble where there’s only you and Jungkook, but honestly, you haven’t even thought about Miyeon meeting him, or vice versa. It’s as if you’re deliberately doing so in order to separate your life. One as Miyeon’s mother, who has this ugly and fucked up past with an ex-husband and messy feelings, the other one is single and ready to mingle Y/N who enjoys texting with her ex-boyfriend from middle school, excited to see where things are heading. 

You know it’s wrong. But there’s a little voice inside your head who encourages you to do foolish things. Because if you think about it, for the past 10 years you’ve always let your life revolve around Seonho. Every decision and move you make you always consider his feelings or how he would react to it. You wanted to say that his insistent personality made you, but from what you’ve learnt in therapy, probably there’s a part of you which let him do that too. You who wanted to keep things in peace, you who made sure others are happy to deflect any potential arguments. 

And maybe that’s why being with Jungkook feels exhilarating for you. He made you remember how it feels like to be heard, listened to. How easy the conversation was as he never–at least in the past two months you’ve been intensely talking–looked disinterested or made you feel like your opinion doesn’t matter. 

There’s an alarm ringing softly in the corner of your mind saying it’s because you still see him behind rose-colored glasses. The one we usually wear in the early stages of attraction. Where the other person looks like they can do no wrong and being the exact version of our dream partner. You know you wore it too once with Seonho. Until the glasses shattered into million pieces. So what guarantees you that the glasses you wear for Jungkook won’t end up the same?

Still stroking Miyeon’s head gently, you wonder if this struggle inside of you will ever end. Is it your logic speaking or now a defense mechanism built after everything you went through? God, since when did you become so philosophical? You used to be a happy-go-lucky girl, always trying to find the positive side of every circumstance. Guess that’s what happens when it feels like your world tipped over from its axis. You start questioning the fundamentals.

Standing up, you decide it’s time for bed. You don’t think you have any capacity left for more pensiveness. After brushing your teeth, then washing your face and doing a few steps of skincare routine, you scroll on your phone while lying on your bed. As you are about to set up the alarm for the next day, you realize that some of your friends posted happy moments with their loved ones today. There was Wonhee who is currently on vacation with her boyfriend in Jeju, and there was Eunha throwing a birthday party for her youngest daughter, Eunwoo seen spending time with his family on a camping trip. And even though you know that most people only show their good side on social media, this time around, you really know these people. You know they really have that side in their personal life that means the world for them. And you want it too. You want to start sharing your own side of happiness too. Putting your phone on the nightstand, you get yourself comfortable beside your daughter. Of course you are happy with her right now. But as you drift off to sleep, you think about how happier it would feel  to share that love and happiness with someone else. And somewhere along your dreams of the night, that someone looks exactly like the man who's been occupying your mind for the past two months.

You don’t realize how excited you are waiting for Saturday until the day finally comes. It’s barely 5 PM and you’ve been pacing around your bedroom, clothes are scattered across your bed and you are still deciding on what to wear. The restaurant is by no means fancy, it’s another Korean BBQ joint that usually uses a barrel for a seat, why you even bother considering to wear a dress is beyond you. It will also be too much if Jungkook shows up wearing his usual casual attire that you’ve gone accustomed to. A dark hoodie–usually ranging between black or dark grey–a baggy jeans and a pair of black and white sneakers. So, scratch the plan to wear any dresses. 

But maybe a cute little blouse is okay, right? Paired with the jeans you always wear when you want a little confidence boost because it makes your butt look a bit rounder. Also you kind of want to style your hair just a little bit, maybe finally using that hair roller you bought a few months back but never had the occasion to try. Then you finish it off with a plumping lip oil that gives your lips a shiny red sheen. 

When the clock finally turns 6.30 PM right on the dot, you hear the housebell ring. Jungkook is always punctual. Because if he was running late, even for 5 or 10 minutes, he’d text you to let you know. God, how good it is to be with someone who is as considerate as that.

“Hey, always on the dot Mr. Jeon,” you answer the door cheerfully. And just as you thought, Jungkook is in his casual attire, opting for a black sweatshirt, sleeves a bit rolled up revealing his tattoo–that apparently, according to him, runs through his shoulder and chest. Maybe your wish will come true one day and you’ll witness it with your own eyes.

And you expect him to answer you with similar playful banter, but instead, he blinks a few times before clearing his throat, “y-you look great tonight.”

You immediately look down at your outfit, but before you can even mutter a reply, he quickly adds, “I mean not that you didn’t before.”

You don’t know whether you’re hallucinating or not but pretty sure there’s a pink tint on his cheeks when he clears his throat after.

“Thanks, uhm… let me grab my bag real quick.”

“Yeah, okay.”

This time around you go by his car, as the Daechang place is located a bit far from your house. It’s more in the downtown area, filled with restaurants, cafes and bars.

“I was thinking, maybe after dinner we can try a dessert place nearby that serves hotteok-flavored ice cream?” Jungkook says as his car stops at a red light.

“Oh, that sounds interestingly delicious,” you respond excitedly, “how do you know the place?”

“Seoyeon told me last week after I said I wanna try the Daechang place you mentioned.”

“Seoyeon?”

“Oh, she’s a new teaching assistant in my Copywriting class. She joined maybe just two or three weeks ago?" You can tell Jungkook’s a bit unsure about the timing from his voice tone, “she’s a graduate student who wanted to have teaching experience.”

“I see…”

You look away to see whatever is outside that you missed Jungkook’s quick glance at you.

“Yeah, so… she said it’s a very popular joint nowadays and the dessert is good, so I was thinking to take you–”

“Yeah, sure, let’s go,” you say, trying to compose yourself after feeling just a tiny bit of restlessness hearing about this Seoyeon girl. Of course he must have female colleagues. And who knows, he might also have many female friends. Other female friends–you need to correct your thoughts because you definitely also fall into the same category.

This time you can feel his eyes on you before the traffic lights turn green. But he doesn’t say anything else as he drives the car to your destination.

The Daechang place is  bomb. You can definitely say that. You haven’t eaten a lot of it because it being a cow’s intestines sometimes freaks you out, but boy oh boy, you’re clearly missing out on how good it actually is. Yeah it’s greasy and oily but also crispy and tasty, especially when you pair it with kimchi and perilla leaf. Just the way Jungkook is doing in front of you right now. You can’t help but smile seeing him all serious and focused on piling the kimchi and daechang neatly, adding some ssamjang before folding the perilla leaf in his hand. What you don’t expect, though, is for him to look up at you and hold out his hand, gesturing for you to open your mouth so that he can feed you his masterpiece. 

And Lord, you do notice how his other hand is cupped under the folded daechang near your chin to make sure it doesn’t drip to your blouse.

Seeing you momentarily close your eyes while you chew, he chuckles.

“So good right?”

You nod a few times while giving a thumbs up, “I can’t believe I haven’t eaten daechang since forever.”

“Shame. You will need to hold me back physically not to eat this daily,” he adds.

“How do you eat so much yet look like this??” you gesture both of your hands towards him.

“Like what?” The way he arches his eyebrow in amusement is very attractive.

“This… fit?” 

“It’s all about control, Y/N.”

Maybe it’s the beer talking–since you’re drinking for two tonight, as Jungkook opts not to drink with him driving–but you just blurt out your next word.

“Yeah, you seem to be very good with it.”

“Maybe,” he sips his soda but you can see his eyes not leaving yours when he adds, “but I do have my weak moments.”

“Like what? The inability to refuse delicious food?”

You definitely jump head first on this flirty banter–at least you want to think this is, because you may not be in the game for more than 10 years, but what do you call intense eye contact while you turn to feed him a piece of Gopchang using your chopsticks?

“That,” he replies once he finishes chewing, eyes back on you while wiping the corner of his mouth with his thumb, “and other non food related things.”

If the restaurant is not as bustling with grilling sounds and people talking loudly, you’re pretty sure Jungkook can hear the thumping of your heart right now. Sadly the simmering tension between you two can’t be prolonged as the waiter comes over to prepare cooking your kimchi fried rice. And so between food praises and digesting, your conversation turns back to neutral territory.

After dinner, as per his promise, Jungkook takes you to the dessert place. However, since it’s also his first time, he tries to find the way by juggling between reading the direction via Naver Map and looking for the correct alley name. The cute little cafe is indeed tucked inside a narrow but lively alleyway. And from the moment Jungkook opens the cafe door for you, the sweetly comforting smell of honey and nuts fills your nostril.

“Seoyeon?”

“Oh, Jeon seon-saeng-nim.”

Seoyeon respectfully bows to Jungkook who also nods back in return. She eyes you carefully before giving another respectful bow–which you give back in return. Even though you can’t help yourself to observe what a pretty young woman she is. Long luscious dark locks, small cute face and fair skin, really representing a Korean beauty. Her figure, even though a bit shorter than you, is complimented by the pastel pink dress she wears.

You should have worn the sage green dress in the first place. Casual be damned. 

“This is my friend, Y/N,” Jungkook’s introduction snaps you back in place. He’s not wrong though. Did you really wish he had said you are his ex-girlfriend from the aughts? “And Y/N, this is Seoyeon that I mentioned earlier.”

You shake Seoyeon’s hand while giving the most polite smile you can conjure up at that moment. 

“You really are a regular in this place, huh?”

“I just had dinner with a blind date nearby,” Seoyeon answers while smiling sheepishly, “when I remembered that I told you about this place, so yeah, gotta get myself a dose of hotteok ice cream for sure.”

“Oh that’s nice,” Jungkook replies, “I told Y/N about your suggestion and we are definitely excited to try.”

“One try and I guarantee you’ll be coming back.”

“I’ll hold you to that.”

It should be a casual remark from Jungkook, but obviously this man has very little idea about his effect on someone else. Probably someone who might see him in a different light. Like you, and maybe this girl Seoyeon. Because you can see how her cheeks turn a little bit pink as she waits around. Most likely expecting Jungkook to ask where the heck is her ‘date’ because she looks like she’s by herself. At least that’s what you’re curious about.

A few seconds of awkward silence ensues before finally it dawns on Seoyeon that Jungkook isn’t going to ask a follow-up question. Neither will you–obviously. So she bids her farewell and walks out of the cafe with an ice cream cone in her hand.

After deciding to order two kinds of hotteok ice cream–one is a honey nut hotteok flavored ice cream cup and one hot hotteok filled with vanilla ice cream so you can share and have a taste of both best selling items–you and Jungkook find an empty small table to sit on. 

“She seems nice.”

God, you really dive right in. Next time you should rethink drinking alcohol when you’re with him. Although you are definitely not that lightweight. Two glasses of beer should not make you this unhinged.

“Yeah, diligent too. Always comes to the class way earlier before I do, and stays late to help out.”

“Very pretty too. No wonder she’s out and about on dates.”

Yeah you really need to shut up immediately. Better start shoving that ice cream down your throat or you're definitely going to embarrass yourself more.

Jungkook looks at you with what you assume is another amused look. One eyebrow arches while a faint smirk decorates his handsome face. Before it disappears when he takes a spoonful of ice cream.

“Do you think about it?”

You are caught off guard when he suddenly asks.

“Think about what?”

“Going out on dates.”

Suddenly the sweet taste of ice cream fades away in your mouth. You try to decipher his expression, which gives you nothing, because he looks relaxed and at ease. 

“I don’t know… do you?”

“I’m the one asking here,” Jungkook answers while leaning back on his chair, arms crossing. 

Is there anything he does that’s not attractive? Because now as you see him poking his tongue inside his cheek, eyes glinting with mischief, it feels like you have no option but to obey him. Do whatever he says–or in this case, answer his question truthfully.

“Well… I really don’t know. I mean, okay, truthfully right now I’m in this independent woman-type-of-headspace, the whole quote of not needing a man is really what’s been playing inside my mind,” if you’re going to be drunk yapping then let this be your moment, “but…”

“But?”

Can he please stop arching his stupid eyebrow, it’s distracting enough to the point of making you jittery.

“But… wouldn’t it be nice to have someone who… you can share your happy moments with… and sad moments too. Obviously sad moments too… and stay… just stay. I don’t even know what I want, I mean I want something, but what kind of thing is still,” you make a spiraling gesture with your finger just beside your head.

Deciding you can’t take another embarrassing yapping moment under his stare, you take your spoon and scoop on some melted ice cream. But just when you’re about to feed it to your mouth, Jungkook leans in, grasps your wrist and maneuvers it towards his open one.

“You’re cute when you talk like that, you know?” he says after swallowing the ice cream with ease. Definitely not caring about the after effect of his action. He’s the one who’s still munching on more ice cream but it really feels like you’re the one who’s about to choke.

“But I get what you mean,” he adds, finally letting go of your wrist, “in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs theory, even when our physiological and safety needs are met, we humans long for a sense of connection with others, like family, friendship or intimacy.”

“Wow, okay, Jeon seon-saeng-nim, you’re really going to counter me with theory now?” 

He laughs seeing your pretend-to-be-butthurt face, “it’s not a counter, if anything, I’m justifying your opinion.”

“So… does that mean you also feel like that?”

He leans back in his seat once again, and even though he looks you right in the eyes again, this time, there’s a softness to it,  “well, I’m also a human being like you, aren’t I?”

You chuckle gently, “I don’t think this is the type of conversation that should be happening while eating dessert, I might need soju and chicken for this.”

“That can be arranged,” now you’re the one who arches your eyebrow at him, “aside from serious money, I happen to have a place of my own, so…”

Maybe the reds on your cheeks are obvious to Jungkook now, because he quickly clears his throat and corrects himself, “I mean, you know, so I don’t have to drive after, but well, that sounds a bit…” 

And the chuckles that left his lips, laced with timidness as if he doesn’t know what to say may be the most delectable sound you’ve ever heard. 

“Jungkook.”

“Yeah?” he answers with an abashed smile.

“You’re cute when you talk like that.”

A few days have passed since Saturday and your last outing with Jungkook still plays in  loop inside your head. And while it kind of ended with a bit of an awkward situation, you can’t help but giggle whenever you remember his shy smile. You clearly miss this type of feeling. Even though you’re still unsure on how to navigate everything, honestly, you miss having this kind of excitement back in your life. And as your therapist always says, just take everything day by day. As long as you’re moving forward, it’s a win for you in battling the past.

It’s still quite early in the morning, 5.30 AM, but since it’s a workday, you might as well get up and pack some lunch with your little bit of spare time. You’ve been spending quite a lot nowadays taking lunch breaks outside with some colleagues, but come to think of it, since you don’t have anyone to rely on financially now, you should be wiser with your money. 

Just as you are going downstairs, the smell of ripe kimchi fills your nostrils. Looks like your mother is already busy in the kitchen.

“Eomma? What are you doing?”

Your mom looks up at you while she’s cutting some kimchi into small containers, “these are ready to eat, I’m going to give some to your brother and also Mrs Kim, she gave us radish kimchi last week, I’m going to return the favor.”

You take a small piece of kimchi left on the cutting board to taste and as expected, your mom’s definitely one of the best. You open the fridge to check whether there are still any Japchae left from last night for you to bring. Luckily there is, because your mom usually makes a big batch to have in store. 

Japchae and freshly ripe kimchi. You suddenly remember something. Wouldn’t it be nice for someone who lives alone to have a home cooked meal? 

“Eomma, can I take the box of Japchae and do you still have any of the kimchi left?”

“Yo, Jeon, you missed out on our soccer game last week!”

Jungkook slows down his steps as Kim Taehyung, the Public Relations lecturer from his department approaches him. Taehyung has been the first colleague/friend he’s quite close with when he started his tenure in Yonsei.

“Yeah, sorry about that, I already had another plan on Saturday. How about this week? Are we going back to regular Fridays?”

“I’m still waiting for confirmation from the Engineering guys. You should come though, these guys are machines, we need you to at least hold our pride,” Taehyung says as he firmly holds his junior’s shoulder.

Jungkook chuckles lightly, “yeah alright, if it’s Friday I can surely come.”

“What’s up with you and busy weekends now, you got yourself a girl?”

Maybe it’s the way Taehyung arches both of his eyebrows playfully while giving him a knowing smile that makes Jungkook stutter a bit.

“I-I just have some stuff.”

“Yeah, right, stuff,” Taehyung rolls his eyes, “anyway, where are you going for lunch? Let’s eat at that Kalguksu place–”

“Actually I’m meeting a friend.”

“Friend?”

“Yeah, friend. You don’t have one?” he teases, earning a playful shove from his senior colleague.

“If I said yes would you let me join you guys?”

Jungkook was just about to find an excuse, anything, but then he can see from his periphery as you stand from your seat on the campus bench and wave at him.

“Ah, I see,” Taehyung nods his head in acknowledgment, “sorry, Man, didn’t know you’re going on a lunch date with your girlfriend.”

Suddenly the word date and girlfriend startles Jungkook. Not that he wasn’t aware of the fact that you and him had been notably closer these past two months. He’s conscious about the thin line between friends and something more than that. And honestly it’s confusing for him too. Whether it’s because of the history between both of you, or whatever he’s feeling right now, but being with you gives him comfort more than anything. Coming back to Seoul after ten years or so is not easy. He doesn’t have many friends, because honestly as much as he tries to maintain communication and friendship, it’s difficult when you're thousands miles apart. His family resides in Busan, so he’s practically alone in Seoul, with no close friends–because many of his friends are busy with their own little family–trying to rebuild his life back. And honestly, talking to you, spending time with you has been a treat for the chaotic mess inside his head. Nevertheless, he’s still not entirely sure whether it’s just a friendly thing or…

Then suddenly it strikes him. If he’s unsure about what is happening between him and you, then probably you also feel the same. After listening to you, he just thought that you might be going through what he’s also struggling with. Because you did say, a few times, that you like the idea of being with someone again but still don’t know how to navigate the feelings and the trauma. And he gets it. He gets how confusing it is to want something and yet feel scared about it. What if it doesn’t work out again? Does he need to get through all the pain of a heartbreak again? 

“She’s just a friend,” maybe at that exact moment, all those thoughts and fear consume him so he quickly replies to Taehyung’s remarks, “we’re going to the kimbap place though, let’s ask her if she’s okay with you tagging along.”

As Jungkook had predicted, you didn’t mind. Originally he wanted to treat you to something better for lunch since you texted him this morning about giving him a homemade Japchae and Kimchi. But you’re the one who declines, saying he should not spoil you too much. Because every time you two go out to eat, he always is the one who takes care of the bill. He insisted though. He can’t imagine how tough it must be for you to take care of yourself along with your mother and daughter. So, treating you to food is the least he could do. 

Just for a second, he thinks about what other things he can do for you as he watches how you smile attentively while listening to Taehyung talking.

“So you’ve been working in that company for six years now? That’s quite a long time.” Taehyung says after you told him about your working experience.

“Yep, I don’t think I found something terrible in that place. I mean, they allowed me to have paid maternity leave, and have been very supportive to me as a working mother.”

Taehyung who’s chewing his kimbap eagerly visibly slows down, gulping it right away before replying, “oh I wouldn’t have guessed you’re a mother, no offense, but you look young and…” he looks tentatively towards Jungkook who squints his eyes slightly, “well, I mean you look great.”

You are about to reply with a thank you when suddenly Jungkook, who sits right in front of you, coughs. Seems like he’s choking on his tea or something.

“Hey, you okay?” you reach out to him with a tissue.

“Yeah, yeah, sorry, I’m good,” Jungkook takes the tissue from you before wiping his mouth.

You glance once again at Jungkook to make sure he’s okay, before continuing your conversation with Taehyung.

“Thanks by the way, I had my daughter pretty early.”

“That’s quite admirable, reminds me a lot of my sister, she also had my nephew pretty young, now she has three of them.”

“Oh, wow, your family house must be very lively.”

Taehyung chuckles before replying, “believe me, you don’t want to take your daughter around my parent’s house during christmas holiday.”

“Why? I bet she’s going to love it. Miyeon always loves playing with other kids whenever I take her to the park.”

“Three boys though, are you absolutely sure little Miyeon can keep up?”

Jungkook doesn’t realize he’s holding his chopsticks a little bit tighter when he hears you and Taehyung laughing in sync. All these talks about kids are really making him feel out of the loop. He knows Taehyung is close with his nephews, and you obviously have your own daughter. So it’s only natural that now the conversation flows into newly opened playparks and kid friendly cafes around Seoul. 

“Jungkook also has a niece, maybe one day we can all go on a playdate, I’m sure the kids will love it.”

Hearing his name mentioned by you takes Jungkook right back in the moment. He sees your concerned eyes trying to make sure he’s still listening. 

“Yeah, sure, maybe when my brother comes visiting Seoul one day. I can take Hari for a playdate,” he says, reassuring you with a soft smile that instantly lights your eyes back.

“You should ask your brother and sister-in-law to come, Man, they will appreciate the day off, having a couple’s time while you bond with your niece,” Taehyung adds while patting Jungkook’s shoulder. He then looks at you, “pretty sure every parent can relate to that, am I right? Because my sister always looks so appreciative whenever I’m offering to take my nephews out. She says she needs some alone time with her husband once in a while.”

You hesitate just a little bit before replying, “yea well, currently I don’t really relate to that,” giving him an awkward small laugh.

“Oh?”

“I think it’s time for us to get back, don’t you have a class at 1.30?” Jungkook decides to announce after checking his watch and then looks at Taehyung, “thanks Y/N for the food, I’m going to enjoy it.”

“Yeah, sure, no problem. I just thought of you when my mom prepared the kimchi this morning, and she made too much Japchae last night so…”

Your heart skips a beat when Jungkook gives you a warm smile, “thank you, I mean it.”

For a second you feel like the world narrows down to both of you, as your hand brushes with his when he takes the lunchbox bag from you. But it only lasted for a few seconds before he starts to move to the cashier, prompting you and Taehyung to follow.

“It’s nice to see you, Y/N, keep me posted on that playdate,” Taehyung says when the three of you are outside the restaurant, ready to part ways.

“Sure, and thanks for the playpark recs, I’m going to take my daughter for sure.”

“Yeah, I’ll let you know if I found another kid friendly place.”

Jungkook clears his throat, “I’ll text you later, okay?”

“Okay,” you nod, “enjoy the food, Kook, bye Taehyung,” you bow once again before turning around to walk towards the direction of your office building.

“Dude.”

Jungkook glances quickly at his friend as they make their way back.

“Dude, Y/N’s single?”

“Huh?”

“When she said that was not her situation anymore, does that mean she doesn’t have a partner right now?”

Realizing he’s been walking a tiny bit faster than usual when he sees Taehyung skipping his steps, Jungkook slows down his pace, “why do you care?”

Taehyung rolls his eyes again, “oh come on, you know I’ve been on three different dating apps and all of them sucks.”

Seeing Jungkook not answering directly, and an apparent frown making its way to his face, Taehyung becomes curious.

“You like her don’t you?”

“W-what?”

“You said she’s just a friend.”

Taehyung re-emphasizing the word friend somehow makes Jungkook turn into panic mode again.

“She is.”

“Then if you don’t like her like that, can I get her number please? She’s fun to talk to and pretty too. Let a man get his shot.”

“I’ll ask her first okay?”

“Okay.”

Luckily for Jungkook, they arrived at their building shortly after. 

“Don’t forget to ask her, Dude,” Taehyung half screams as he makes his way to his next class, “also soccer Friday!”

“Miyeon-a, it’s already late, you need to sleep.”

“Another story, eomma, please…”

It’s already 9PM and honestly you’re very tired, but you can never say no to your daughter’s sparkly eyes as she’s tucked in but still refuses to sleep.

“Okay, one story but you have to close your eyes while listening to me, okay?”

“Okay.”

You kiss her forehead and stroke her head gently while starting to tell the story of The Rabbit and The Tiger. Thankfully, you’re only halfway through when you hear soft snores coming from her. You kiss her cheek once again, before straightening up her blanket. 

You then take your phone from the night stand to check any messages. Well, particularly a message from a certain someone. You don’t really expect it, at least you learn not to expect anything, but after today’s lunch, you can’t help but wonder, because Jungkook looked and acted a little bit different than his usual self. You’re pretty sure you caught him spacing out a few times. Well, understandable because from your usual two way conversation, today’s turned slightly different with Taehyung added into the mix. You have to admit that Jungkook’s friend is a very good looking man. Very funny and friendly too. If you’re actively looking for someone, he’s probably going under your radar. But tonight, scrolling on your phone, you don’t even have the urge to open social media and put his name on a search box.

[Jungkook]: devoured it [Jungkook]: [pic]

The giggle that left your lips really does not represent a woman in their 30's. More like a school girl seeing his crush or a fangirl seeing her bias doing the most mundane thing. But maybe, in a way, this feels like it. Seeing a picture of the food containers you prepared this morning all empty and clean definitely makes your heart full.

[You]: makes the prep effort worth it. Was it good? [Jungkook]: your effort is greatly acknowledged and appreciated [Jungkook]: did you make it? It tasted like your mom’s though [You]: couldn’t fool you huh [Jungkook]: nah, i have a sensitive taste bud, better try your luck next time

You’re still thinking of your next reply, when his new message appears.

[Jungkook]: wanna try it at my place? Cook in and I’ll order that chicken and soju you’ve mentioned as a snack [Jungkook]: only if you’re comfortable though

You’re not uncomfortable with the idea. On the contrary, your heart beat escalates in excitement just thinking about spending time with Jungkook at his place, just the two of you. 

Now you’re sure something really is different with Jungkook today, because his name is suddenly glowing up your phone screen as it vibrates. You hurriedly get out of the bed and slip out of your bedroom.

“Hey,” you whisper while making your way downstairs. Upstairs are where all the rooms are, and your mother’s most likely already asleep too.

“H-hey, sorry, am I catching you at a bad time?” you can’t help but smile hearing his voice mimicking you in a whispering tone.

“No, it’s okay, Miyeon’s already asleep, I’m just going downstairs, you know, for a bit of privacy,” though he can’t see you, Jungkook can picture your sheepish smile.

“Okay. Sorry I called all of a sudden, it’s just… I just want to make sure that… yeah, the text, about coming over and all.”

“Kook, hey,” you try to calm him, “it’s okay, did you think I got mad?”

“Maybe not mad, more like… put off?” he answers tentatively.

Making yourself comfortable on the living room sofa, you hold your knees together while holding your phone close to your ear, “why do you think it’ll put me off?”

God, the sound of his deep laugh really goes right into the lower part of your stomach. 

“Maybe I’m insinuating something with my invite?”

“Are you?” you tease, silently hoping he’ll play along.

“Do you want me to?”

“Hey, I’m asking you first.”

He chuckles, “you’re really making it hard for me, feels like I don’t have a correct answer for that one.”

“Am I? I say nothing though.”

“So put me out of my misery by answering please.”

“Now I’m lost, which one do you want me to answer?” you joke again. You can feel your cheeks a little bit sore from smiling too wide. It feels as though you are transported back to younger days when you’re having a conversation with a crush.

“Y/N…” again, his voice goes even deeper, “you wanna come over or not?”

“Now?” you really are in a playful mood.

There’s a beat of silence before he answers, still in his low register, “that would not be the worst idea, but I was thinking this Saturday, just to make sure that little Miyeon’s time with her mom is not interrupted.”

“How thoughtful of you.”

“Just trying to be.”

“What do you suggest I try to ruin your kitchen with then?”

“We, Y/N,” he corrects, “I’m good with anything, you know I’ll eat basically anything.”

“Yeah? Even burnt food?”

He chuckles again, lighter now, “we won’t burn the food, I won’t let you.”

“You’re gonna look after me?” Maybe it’s the sleepiness that is starting to take over, but there’s a sudden urge in you that wants to hear his validation. 

“Yeah,” you hate how his gravelly voice ignites something in places you’re too shy to mention, “of course I will.”

Maybe it’s not about cooking anymore, but none of you try to clarify, indulging in the way peaceful silence and contentment fill the air in between. 

“Kook…”

“Yeah?”

“Are you sleepy? Do you have an early class tomorrow?”

“Not as early as your corporate hour, so you don’t need to worry about me.”

“Then can I ask you something?”

“Go ahead, Y/N.”

His voice sounds cozier now, like you can imagine him lying  comfortably on his bed, or maybe sofa like you right now.

“Did something happen… recently? I just noticed you looked… out of it today.”

Jungkook’s jaw clenches, he’s a bit surprised that you’re that observant.

“I’m good, Y/N. Nothing major happened recently as far as I’m concerned.”

“I see,” then maybe you’re just overthinking it, “glad to hear that.”

“I’d tell you,” he says, “if something happened.”

“You will?” you half care whether he can hear the hopefulness in your voice. And as much as you try to downplay whatever it is happening between you and Jungkook, you really think he won’t be entertaining you this far if he doesn’t care. 

“If you let me.”

“I will always do.”

Jungkook bites his lower lip, “and I’ll let you too.”

“Do what?”

“Tell me if something happened. If something is bothering you.”

Jungkook just realizes how he really enjoys hearing the sound of your laugh. That it gives him a peace of mind to know that you’re in a way better place than you’ve been before.

“I’m afraid I’ll be on your case A LOT.”

“It’s okay, I have plenty of time.”

“And patience? Because I think that would be the most important thing,” you add, trying to sound serious even though you yawn at the end and it makes Jungkook chuckle on the other side of the line.

“I might need more practice on that but, hey, Y/N?”

“Yeah?” you let out another yawn, seems like your energy is at its limit.

“Go get some sleep now.”

“Okay… good night, Kook.”

“Good night, I’ll text you tomorrow okay?”

And even when both of you know there’s no real reason why he should text, you just agree.

“Okay.”

Later that night, when Jungkook turns off his bed-side lamp, he realizes that he didn’t mention Taehyung asking for your number. And to be honest, he already knew why he was hesitant in the first place. He just needed a reason not to explain himself to his friend.

However, there’s one aspect of his life as a singer that he lets his team handle however they see fit: the behind the scene vlogs of everything he does in the spotlight.

At the beginning of his career, the company would have mini meetings with him to review the finished vlogs together, being very careful of the image they represent him by in the vlogs. Very rarely did it go back to the editing team for a snip of the clip, so eventually, Jeongguk just put a stop to the review. He’s the same person on stage and off stage anyway, so there was really nothing to worry about regarding his image.

Although, now, well established into his career, when Jeongguk does questionable things and the editing team just decides to keep the clips in the vlogs, he might need to go back worrying about the image they’re portraying of him in the media.

(He needs to worry, because often, they are too honest.)

It’s been a few weeks since he’s gone back from the US, now doing promotion rounds in his homeland, South Korea. For music show recordings in Korea, Jeongguk has to get up at the ass crack of dawn to get everything done—hair and make up, rehearsals, and then the actual recording. He’d be exhausted, but his fans have to be on standby even earlier than he does, so he can only imagine how tired they feel. All just to get a glimpse of him performing on stage.

But that’s what you do for someone you love, isn’t it? Stay awake late to do two-hour karaoke sessions on lives and be on standby in the freezing early morning air with lightsticks in hand. Jeongguk’s relationship with his fans is reciprocal, and he couldn’t be more grateful for it.

There’s another thing you do with someone you love—you tease them.

“Jeongguk, your TSX stage was so cool!” someone from the audience shouts.

“Was it? Did you enjoy it?” Jeongguk speaks into his mic, a happy glint in his eyes as he sweeps the full audience seats with his stare.

A loud cheer of YES!!! erupts from the audience.

“Oh, that’s a relief,” Jeongguk exhales into the mic. “I was really nervous, but your cheers gave me energy. Thank you.”

“Vlog too! We enjoyed the vlog too!”

“Huh?” Jeongguk’s eyes become even rounder as he tries to lock eyes with one fan in order to understand what they’re saying better. He even takes out both of his in-ear monitors so he can hear better as well. “Log? Blog?”

“Vlog!! US Vlog!! At the cafe!!”

“Ah!” Jeongguk’s expression morphs into one of realization, “Vlog! US vlog, after the performance?”

Another chorus of yes! sounds from his fans.

“Who’s the girl that was with you?”

For a second, Jeongguk hesitates. After all, the first time he accidentally blurted about your existence resulted in less than favorable repercussions for him. He even came up with the nickname just to protect you from anything bad that could possibly happen to you after the incident. Also, it would be a wise choice to separate his public and personal life, right?

Still, Jeongguk is anything but dishonest, so he says the words into his mic like it wouldn’t cause him trouble in the near future: “She’s my best friend.”

The soft smile on his face with which he uttered the words has his fans cooing, some even screaming in teasing. “Are you both together yet?” one of them shouts, making the whole studio go quiet until Jeongguk can hear one of the PD-nim of the music show cough faintly somewhere in the background.

Years of being an entertainer has taught Jeongguk that he shouldn’t answer this question, even with an obvious joke. Not even a twitch of his face muscle. Nothing would be safe from being turned into a provocative headline written by a journalist desperate for clicks. No matter how good the PR and legal teams in his company are, the moment those headlines are live, the damage would’ve been done.

Thankfully, Jeongguk’s manager is also aware of this fact, because the second the time stretches longer than deemed normal to answer a question, break time is declared over and Jeongguk is urged off the stage for some touch up on his makeup.

“You should be careful of what you say in public, Jeongguk-ah,” Namjoon chastises him the moment they’re back in the dressing room. “You know the media is ruthless when it comes to these things.”

“I didn’t say anything!” Jeongguk defends, a hint of a chuckle on his face. “Bun’s my best friend, isn’t she? Is that something I should not say publicly?”

“Not when this is the environment of your reality,” Namjoon sighs. “Sorry Kiddo, I personally don’t have a problem with it, but you and I both know—”

“I know, hyung.” Jeongguk glances at his manager through the mirror, the makeup puff on his cheek preventing him from turning his head completely. “Thanks for looking out for me. I promise I’ll be more careful next time.”

Namjoon throws him a small reassuring smile before going back to his phone, probably informing the PR team about Jeongguk’s shenanigans today and to watch out for weird headlines from the media. The mood in the dressing room turns a bit somber after their interaction, weighing heavy on Jeongguk’s heart so he tries to lift the spirits up.

“So, anyone wants to tell me what the editing team put in the vlog that my fans noticed my best friend so much from the video?”

Jeongguk gets his answer hours later, after the music show recording is over, after he said his goodbyes and thank you's to his fans, after he got back to the company to continue with his schedule for the day. There, displayed in 4K on his gigantic monitor in his personal studio, is twenty-something minutes of his adventure in New York with you, with the least amount of editing Jeongguk has ever seen on his vlog. It’s like the editor watched the full recording in one sitting and went yep, let’s just put captions on that and call it a day.

The more Jeongguk watches, the more he understands why his fans noticed you so much from his vlog. From the moment he walked around aimlessly in New York streets until he sat down in the dessert cafe with your brick ass laptop in his hand, you were always there. Your voice in the background when you were holding the camera. Your hand in frame when you shoved Jeongguk because he teased you. Your faded black cap sitting on the table in the dessert cafe when you took it off. (Bonus: your hands typing maniacally on your laptop to finish your midterm in time.)

But there’s one specific scene that makes Jeongguk feel like the editor is out to get him: the one when he fed you a huge piece of pastry with heaps of cream on it which got stuck on your lip and he used his thumb to wipe it off. And then sucked said thumb into his mouth like it was second nature to do so. Jeongguk didn’t think this scene would’ve made the cut into the actual vlog published on his official channel, but eh, it’s probably his fault for giving free creative reign to his video editing team when it comes to his vlogs.

Now watching from an outsider perspective, Jeongguk just realizes that this scene is a window to his true feelings about you, clear as day through his big bambi eyes. It really doesn’t help his case that the editor did not cut the scene after the whole cream fiasco either, when he was teasing to turn off the camera just to wipe cream off your lips again. Jeongguk wants to scream into a void, yet all he can do is sigh and slump back into his chair.

The vlog ends with him waving to the camera when you had finished your midterm paper and had submitted it to your professor and he had deemed the New York adventure done for the day. He was right to end the vlog there, as any documentation of your activities after that would be too domestic and personal to be shared with the world. (You and him went back to his hotel room, where the both of you ended up slumped on his bed in a sweets-induced coma. “I’m never eating pastry ever again,” you’d said, just to gobble down a croissant when Jeongguk ordered some from room service in random late-night hunger.)

Jeongguk’s finger hovers over his mouse, the cursor on the monitor hovering over the comment section button. He doesn’t usually check the comment section of his vlogs, preferring to go straight to Twitter to see the unhinged genuine reactions his fans might have on the new video. This time, though, something in his mind tells him to go easy, go through the typical “We love you Jeongguk♥️” comments before diving head-first into an analysis thread about who you are and what your relationship with him is.

Jeongguk is so cute

He’s so playful with the camera noona today lol

Reply: I think it’s not his staff, he mentioned his friend or something

I know this cafe! Their fruit pastries are the best

Jeongguk ordering the entire cafe for her uhhuh we love to see it

The way they bicker like a couple is so funny

Reply: Are they not a couple?

OP: No, they’re not

Everyone talking about the bickering but I just want to point out they did tug of war with her laptop. And the editor thinks this scene is necessary to be put into Jeongguk’s vlog. I’m rolling on the floor

Jeongguk snorts. The laptop tug-of-war scene is admittedly a breath of fresh air in the vlog, because it’s the only time he doesn’t have heart eyes while looking at you behind the camera. The glint in his eyes are purely out of joy and playfulness, trying to wrestle the heavy device out of your hold while simultaneously trying not to laugh because of how ridiculous the whole situation is. It feels like a normal interaction between a guy and his best friend instead of a guy and his best friend whom he’s in love with.

He continues scrolling through the comments, skimming over similar ones and chuckling at a few funny ones, but one particular comment makes his heart skip a beat.

Came to watch the whole video because the cream-wiping clip keeps appearing on my timeline. Jeongguk fans, is this his girlfriend? He looks at her like she hangs the stars in the sky. I’m not in the fandom, that’s why I’m asking.

Reply: She’s his best friend, he said so in the music show recording this morning

OP: Ah, well, it looks like he might be in love with his best friend, then

Reply: Half of the fandom thinks so too actually hahaha

What the fuck. Is he that obvious?

A simple Twitter search later tells him that yes, he is that obvious and more. If the comment section on YouTube only scratches the surface, his Twitter timeline is a whole different story. He’s scrolled past at least five tweets that say with confidence that you and him are dating secretly and this video is a soft-launch of your relationship. Another tweet agrees, saying that there is no way you guys are just friends after everything you’ve done in the vlog (they tweet like he kissed you in the vlog—though Jeongguk is not entirely opposed to the idea.)

At one point, Jeongguk’s fingers stop scrolling when he stumbles upon one tweet that the commenter on YouTube might have meant: a slowed-down video of the cream-wiping incident, with his entirely-too-innocent face zoomed in at the end. The video loops over and over again on his computer screen, reminding him that this moment is forever engraved on the internet with no chance of ever erasing it no matter how much Jeongguk wants to.

Against his better judgement, Jeongguk clicks on the tweet to see the replies on it.

The first reply directly under the video says something that paints a bitter smile on Jeongguk’s lips: “bet he wouldve kissed her right there had she not stopped him” — because if he didn’t care about where you were, didn’t care about his status as a famous singer, didn’t think about the repercussions of his actions, he would have. Or maybe not, because his lack of courage keeps stopping him from doing anything that has to do with revealing his feelings for you.

Diving deep into the replies under the kissing tweet drowns Jeongguk in a pool of self-pity, lamenting over the fact that even his fans are this confident about his love life and how they cannot be further from the truth. He’s so deep in the pool of darkness that he fails to see how this whole situation involved another person besides him: you.

The reminder comes in the form of a tweet—a thread, actually. About the first moment Jeongguk accidentally let it slip that he had a girl best friend in one of his livestreams, up to the most recent mention of said best friend in the music show recording this morning. The account even included the three-month period when he did not do any livestreams and speculated that it was his own decision because he wanted to drive away the media attention from his private life. But what struck him the most isn’t that—it’s when somewhere in the thread, the account mentioned his nickname for you. The nickname that’s not supposed to be known to the public, yet it is out there, on an anonymous account’s thread, garnering hundreds of likes as the minutes go by.

It doesn’t matter that the thread-poster used the word ‘apparently’ and ‘unconfirmed’ — all Jeongguk feels is panic as he frantically tries to read the whole thread, checking to see if this thread contains anymore information about you that shouldn’t even be here to begin with. Because if they could find out the private nickname, who’s to say they couldn’t find your real name, or worse, where you study, where you work, and where you live?

After confirming that the thread doesn’t contain anymore such things, Jeongguk reaches for his phone to send you a text. Well—more than one, actually, each one increasing in urgency than the last. When your only response is radio silence, he decides to call you—but even that goes straight to voicemail.

Jeongguk’s mind flashes to a few weeks ago when he was in New York and you did the exact same thing—’ghosted’ him, he’d said—but that was because you had a midterm to do and was flying across the world to get to where he was. Now, your midterms are over (you told him so a few days after you both landed back in Seoul from New York) and it’s not like you know anyone overseas that you had to visit urgently to warrant this kind of silence.

…or maybe you’re at work! Yeah, that must be where you are, considering it’s still—no… you couldn’t be, Jeongguk belatedly realizes. The bakery you work at closes at 9PM, and the clock on his computer screen glares a large 09:54PM, as if mocking him. Apparently his spiraling over the vlog, the comments, and the thread made by his fans took too much time than he thought, hours of his free time spent on the internet instead of on a new song Jeongguk should be working on like he told Namjoon he would when the music show recording ended.

Jeongguk pulls up the agenda Namjoon sent him this morning. There, in orange highlight, says MUSIC CORE RECORDING — 5AM. It’s literally seven hours away. He should be awake at least one hour prior, so that gives him six hours of sleep if he actually goes to bed now. Six hours is enough. It’s plenty, for an idol like him.

Six hours. Jeongguk has six hours.

In the creating music aspect of his career, Jeongguk has always had a say in everything he does. Which song goes into which album. Which song to be promoted as a single. Which demo suits his breathy voice more and which demo needs his powerful chest voice more. Even down to the addition of adlibs, Jeongguk’s opinion has always mattered, even if it’s not the final decision.

However, when it comes to anything else but creating music, Namjoon (or anyone else on his team) has never consulted him for advice because, and Jeongguk quotes: “No offense, Jeongguk, but your personal decison-making skills is shit.” which, wow, Jeongguk takes full offense, but he supposes the older man isn’t entirely wrong when he said that.

With six hours on the clock, instead of going home to sleep and sweep his worries aside until he can revisit them later after his work obligations are completed, he stands in front of your apartment door, proving Namjoon’s words just right.

Jeongguk’s decision-making skills are questionable at best, because he does things before he thinks them through. Blurt out an offer to you to go to New York. Take you strolling around New York instead of the camera noona like he was supposed to. Wipe pastry cream off your lips then lick it off his thumb. Go to your apartment an hour before midnight to ask if your silence has anything to do with the comments on the New York vlog.

Suddenly, the weight of the situation dawns on him. What is he doing? This is not 2012 anymore, when he was still a trainee and used to sneak into your home whenever he got tired of repeating the same songs and choreography prior to his debut. He’s not 15 anymore, with ddeokbokki and kimbab still warm in his hold, knocking on your door with a grin on his face, guilty of the roundness of your cheeks in the morning caused by the midnight snack.

It’s 2023, he’s 26, and he only has the weight of the world in his hold to share with you.

Still, true to his act-then-think nature, Jeongguk raises his hand to press the doorbell to your apartment. He could’ve just let himself in, your door passcode buried somewhere in his notes app, but with nothing but burden in his hands, he thinks bursting through your door unceremoniously would feel like breaching into your home.

When the door opens, your confused face is the first thing he sees. “Jeongguk?” you say, so much question in your tone. “What are you doing here?”

”Uh,” Jeongguk supplies dumbly. He clears his throat, tries to hold eye contact with you, but his nervousness betrays him. “Can I come in?”

Despite the confusion still plastered all over your face, you open the door wider to let him slip inside. No words are exchanged as Jeongguk shucks his shoes and coat off, placing them in their proper places before following you deeper into the apartment. His steps halt in the middle of your living space, standing in a place he’s surely been in in the past, yet it all feels so foreign.

Your bed is on a different position than the last time he was here, and your desk is on the far end of the room instead of being close to the front door. There are more cardboard boxes stacked at the foot of your bed than he remembers, more polaroid photos stuck on the cork board above your desk, more scribbles on the desk calendar that sits next to your opened laptop. The shelf next to your desk now houses a line of all his albums, each one signed with a short message personalized just for you. When he was last here, there were only three mini albums lined up on this very shelf.

Next to the albums, sits something that has always been there ever since Jeongguk could remember, unchanging amongst all the changes your apartment went through: his first music show win trophy, earned after two long years of his debut. After doing its rounds in the company, photographed by almost all of his staff to be posted on the internet, and shown off to his parents via a teary video call, the trophy was entrusted into your care, as a symbol of Jeongguk’s appreciation for your support ever since he was still training to be an idol.

Despite being coated in a thin layer of dust, the small trophy being placed in the same position since its move to your apartment blooms something warm in Jeongguk’s chest. The warmth nearly reaches his cheeks had you not called him back to present time, pulling his soul away from his 17-year-old self and back into his 26-year-old body standing awkwardly in the middle of your apartment.

”Care to explain why you’re here in the middle of the night, in the middle of the week?” you inquire after making sure that Jeongguk’s head is here instead of floating around in the clouds. “Also, please sit down, you look like the delivery guy waiting for tips if you keep hovering over the door like that.”

Jeongguk snickers, your description strangely apt for his posture even though he’d never waited for tips when he worked as a delivery guy for a short time before his debut (he was too scared of even expecting it—and back then, people were actually immune to his big bambi eyes, unlike now.)

”You didn’t reply to my texts, and my call went straight to voicemail,” Jeongguk supplies for your question, slowly sitting down on your bed, behind your figure on your desk chair. “Got me worried.”

”Oh,” you quip, hand reaching for your phone and looking at it like it’s a foreign object you’ve just discovered. “Sorry, had it on DND since my shift, and I had a presentation due tomorrow for a class, so…” you trail off, shrugging. “Plus the group chat is being so loud today, it’s kinda annoying.”

”You didn’t whitelist my number from your DND?” Jeongguk tries hard not to pout, he really does.

”Did you call twice?” You point your phone at him like a weapon, the beginning of a smirk blooming on the corner of your lips. “If you did, the second call would’ve gone through.”

When he speaks, it’s clear that his words are formed around the pout of his lips. “Come on … I was too worried.”

You shake your head, finally turning your body fully towards him, abandoning the blinking cursor on your Google Slides. The arms you cross in front of your chest don’t look the least bit intimidating because they’re covered in the softest sweater paws Jeongguk has ever seen on you—which, upon closer look, might be because you’re wearing his hoodie, an old one he accidentally left here but never got back to reclaim. It’s okay, it looks good on you. Makes you look like you’re his.

”Jeongguk, I’ve known you forever. You don’t come barging into my apartment when you’re just worried. Just tell me what happened,” you sigh. “Did you miss a step in the choreography today? Missed a note? Accidentally yelled at a staff member? Messed up on live?—wait, you didn’t go live today—Started a rumor that gave Namjoon a headache?”

At the last sentence, Jeongguk physically recoils. All the comments and tweets in response to the New York vlog floats in his mind like a broken highlight reel of all the mistakes he’s made in his life.

There’s something that flashes in your eyes that Jeongguk can’t decipher, but it’s gone before he gets the chance to really mull over it. Then your gaze towards him turns softer, reminiscent of the best friend who would comfort him whenever he came bearing worries over the missed step in the choreography and how Jeongguk was afraid of disappointing the people who had believed in him. It completely shatters the ready-to-launch defense on the tip of his tongue, prepared for your sharp and jabbing words instead of your calm and soothing ones.

“Did you accidentally post the same series of emojis again with some female idol from another company?” you chuckle, a hint of disbelief in your tone. “You know, I never get why they make such a big deal out of dating in the entertainment industry. You’re still gonna make music and it’s not like it’s gonna suck once you start dating. Unless your girlfriend is a walking red flag…” Scratching your cheek, your gaze trails off somewhere else, unaware of the internal debate Jeongguk is having with himself.

The reminder of the emoji thing makes him huff out a breath in a humorless chuckle. All he did was post a few pictures on Instagram with a series of emojis and the next thing he knew Namjoon was blowing up his phone asking him if he was dating someone. A thousand denials and a few frantic phone calls to the idol’s agency later, the rumor was successfully kept from being spread and the media quickly turned to prey on some other poor soul.

Jeongguk was lucky then. He’s not sure this time will be the same.

“Have you watched the New York vlog?” he asks at last, prompting your eyes to jump back onto him from staring at the far end of your apartment. The questioning hum you respond him with clearly says you didn’t hear what he said.

“The vlog, in New York. Have you watched it?”

“Oh, New York,” you parrot, seemingly still trying to figure out why this vlog is significant in any way. Then, “ooh, is it the one when I visited you? After the TSX stage?”

Jeongguk nods, toying with his lip piercing while debating whether to just tell you the contents of the vlog and the potential dating rumor it would spark or let you watch the whole thing and decide on your own.

Apparently his brain can’t decide fast enough to catch up with your fingers, which are already typing his official channel name onto the YouTube search bar. “I’ve been slammed with work and classes these days, so I didn’t even know it was out,” you mumble, clicking on the New York vlog that’s still listed at the top of his channel video uploads.

As the video loads, Jeongguk’s mind goes back in time again. Is this how you felt back then, whenever he was too busy with practice that he missed almost all of your achievements at school? Not exactly disappointed, because he knows you both have lives to live outside of each other, but there’s a gnawing feeling in his heart that’s too heavy to think about. You demanded nothing from him all those years ago. The least he can do is give you the same courtesy.

“Huh, did I not hold the camera high enough or am I just short?” you chuckle when the vlog plays, showing his grinning face with the New York streets as the background. Now Jeongguk gets to relive the feelings he felt while watching the vlog, except this time, with stray commentaries from you.

“Wonder why the editor kept the clip where you’re talking to me.”

“Ouu, this shot, bet your fans make gifs of this in different filters and stickers.”

“This laptop fight…heh.”

“Oh I remember the cafe staff was your fan, right?”

“Did you really have to order the entire menu, Jeongguk?”

Jeongguk supplied a chuckle here and there, just to tell you he’s listening, but all the while he was holding his breath while waiting for that part to come on and see your reaction. True to his prediction, all your comments ceased the moment the Jeongguk in the video started feeding video-you desserts from the array of them on the table. Jeongguk feels his pulse spiking seconds leading to the part, sneaking a glance at your face to see your expression. All he can see is your side profile, though, which tells nothing, so he inches his body forward, forward, forward, until he’s able to make out the lines of your lips, but—

THUD.

He face-plants into the floor of your apartment.

You jump in your seat, frozen in place for a few seconds as you’re seemingly processing the fact that your best friend is now lying on the floor, holding his nose while groaning.

“Are you okay?” you finally say, getting down from your desk chair to crouch beside Jeongguk. examining his body with a laugh halfway out your lips. “What are you doing on the floor?”

“Shut up,” Jeongguk hisses. It’s enough to have his nose—potentially—bruised, he doesn’t need his ego to follow suit. Shit, he has that music show recording tomorrow … Namjoon’s gonna have a field day watching the makeup team scold him while trying to cover up the bruise.

Although, now, he has more pressing issues to worry about. How does he explain to you why he fell on the floor without exactly telling you why he fell on the floor? “Haha yeah that cream-wiping clip from the vlog might have started a dating rumor and I just want to see your reaction to the clip”?? No??

“Will you stop being a baby and get up?” You swat at his arm with a chuckle tumbling out your lips, then carefully try to peel his fingers away from his face. The gentle way your fingers are grasping his is actually giving Jeongguk a whiplash, has him fighting off the urge to twist his wrist around and have his fingers grasping yours instead.

“Not a baby,” he grumbles, his eyes still closed, “just trying to estimate how upset the makeup team will be tomorrow when I show up with a bruised nose to the music show taping.” Huh, better than telling you how bad I wanna hold your hand, Jeongguk huffs in his head. He finally opens his eyes and extends his arms to you. “Okay, now help me up.”

“‘Not a baby’ my ass,” you mock as your reach for his hands so you can pull him into a sitting position. Still, your hands are gentle as ever when you brush the tips of your fingers on his nose, now tinged red from its contact with the floor. “It’s not scratched or anything so you should be fine for the taping tomorrow. What time is it?”

“Uh, I have to be on standby at five.”

“In the evening? That’s plenty—”

“In the morning,” Jeongguk corrects, looking at you with a duh expression on his face. “Music shows recordings are always in the morning, Bun.”

There it is again. The gnawing feeling in his heart; ugly, uncomfortable, suffocating. In the corner of his right mind, Jeongguk knows that this kind of things are not public knowledge, so you not knowing it should not be a big deal. But the other side of his mind taunts him with the thought of you not knowing means you don’t care about him anymore, which is ridiculous, because just a second ago you were carressing his nose in search of any injury. Maybe if he ignores the feeling hard enough, he can will it to disappear completely.

“What are you still doing here then?” Okay, ouch? “It’s almost midnight!” So?

Years of friendship has allowed you to learn about his expressions a lot, down to the scrunch of his eyebrows or a slight twitch of his lips, so they are an open book as you once again swat at his arm, harder this time after it’s confirmed that he doesn’t have any injury from his fall. “Jeongguk, you need to go home and rest. It’ll be five AM before you know it.”

“Are you kicking me out?” He raises his eyebrows, challenging.

“Well, yeah?”

Jeongguk heaves a sigh. “You’re kicking me out,” he repeats, “I’m worried about you and you’re kicking me out.”

“You’re so dramatic,” you grumble. “I was just doing my assignment. It’s your fault you went here instead of calling me twice like a sane person.”

“Did you consider the possibility of me worrying about something else other than your lack of response?” Jeongguk crosses his arms, looking you straight in the eyes. “Like, what you think about the New York vlog?”

Your expression morphs into one of confusion, and Jeongguk wonders if you look like this when you can’t wrap your head around the lesson in your college classes. “You came here because you want to know what I think about the New York vlog?” you repeat his words in one sentence, and when you put it like that, it does sound ridiculous. “What, were you seeking another validation for it? For what, walking around New York in the heat and eating ten plates of desserts on your own?”

Jeongguk calls you by your real name this time. He doesn’t mean it to come out so harsh, but the way you jump a little at his tone tells him that it was too much. “You realize that I can worry about you too, right, instead of always thinking about myself?” His tone is softer now. “Yes, I was worried when you didn’t answer my call, but I came here to make sure you’re not feeling uncomfortable over how much you appear in the vlog. If you were, I could talk to my team and we could adjust the video and reupload it.”

“Oh.” You blink, your surprise melting into something more unreadable, but Jeongguk can see the way the tension in your shoulders ebb away after. “Why would I be uncomfortable? The vlog didn’t even show my face at all?”

“Bun,” Jeongguk says, now back to his usual nickname for you, “I’m gonna hold your hand when I say this.” He takes your hands in his, sweater paws and all, and tries not to brush his thumb over your skin. “I’m an idol with fans all over the world who stops at nothing just to get a glimpse of my private life. They could find out where I was just from the background of a picture, find out who I was with from a reflection on a silverware. Heck, they found out I was getting a tattoo sleeve all those years ago from a reflection on a goddamn microwave.” He huffs out a chuckle from his chest. “It’s honestly impressive, but when it’s done at your expense, gets a little scary sometimes.”

“Right…” you trail off, even when Jeongguk knows it hasn’t fully settled in your mind how much of a problem this could be. “But, like, they only do that when it’s you, right? Why would they care to do that to me? I’m a nobody.”

Jeongguk have always believed in his mind that you are way smarter than he is, that’s why between the two of you, you’re the college student and he’s the idol. But in this particular moment, he feels like your intelligence is hiding somewhere in your brain, because no matter how many times he tries to explain without exactly saying the words, you just don’t get it.

“Well, they know you’re my best friend,” he points out, “don’t you think they might get curious? Even by now, they already found out my nickname for you, who’s to say they won’t dig for more?”

“Jeongguk,” you say with emphasis, “you say my nickname a bunch in the vlog. ‘Let me take your laptop, Bun. What do you want to order, Bun? Sure, Bun. Okay, Bun!’, it’s not their fault that they come to know the nickname.”

Yeah. Okay. It still stands true that you’re the smart one between the two of you. Jeongguk is just that much of an idiot.

“Besides, I don’t see any problem with your fans knowing my nickname. Isn’t that why you created it in the first place? So people don’t actually know what my name is? Why are you the one panicking now?” you continue pointing out. “I appreciate you worrying, but you should be worrying about yourself and the damn music show taping you have at five AM.”

“Stop talking about the taping, you’re not Namjoon.” Jeongguk frowns. “So you’re not concerned about my fans knowing your nickname?”

You shrug your shoulders. “Not really, it’s served its purpose of keeping my name private.”

“Not even when that could lead to them knowing about our relationship?” His head is so full of concern that Jeongguk fails to catch his slip-up. 

“What relationship?” OUCH. “That I’m your best friend? Don’t they know that already?”

Jeongguk’s frown deepens. Somehow, the ease you say the sentence with irks him, like this issue is only a big deal for him, when it’s your private life that’s at risk. Can’t you see how dangerous it could be if his fans found out more things about you? What if his sasaeng fans found out about the bakery you work at or the campus you study at and follow you back home like they do to him? What if they did something to you and he couldn’t protect you because he’s 13 timezones away like he often is?

“You don’t get it, Bun,” Jeongguk sighs, “if they think you and I are more than best friends—like you’re dating me, and I’m dating you—they could turn vicious. They’ll dig up for more things about you, find out things from your past. They’ll know you went to the same middle school as me, then they’d start identifying you from our school photos, start searching for any trace of you in my contents. Pictures, vlogs, songs, behind videos, old, new, everything. Then they’ll start following you home and lurk around your apartment on the daily. What if they start approaching you and harassing you? I can’t always be here to protect you, you realize that, right?”

Jeongguk loves his job as an idol. Truly, he does. But those things sometimes weigh on his mind, wear him down. Personally, he has made peace with it, and just sees it as occupational risk. Besides, he has bodyguards nearly 24/7 anywhere he goes, which lessens the chance for him to get hurt. He could also protect himself on his own.

But you?

You’re just a college student who happens to be tied with him in a close friendship. You don’t deserve any of those things if they were to happen to you.

“Yeah, but…” you trail off, teeth chewing on your bottom lip in hesitation, “we’re not … dating, Jeongguk. We’re just best friends, so the things you said most likely won’t happen.” Even when you say that, Jeongguk can see that there’s a cloud of doubt in your eyes, a sliver of fear appearing for a second too quick that he doesn’t have the chance to call you out on it.

“Wait.” You pause, gripping his arm suddenly, your eyes turning into slits. “Is this what you had in mind when I said you came here because you started a rumor that gave Namjoon a headache?” Disbelief is dripping from your tone. And to make matters worse, that disbelief is clearly apparent when you say: “A dating rumor with me?”

“Why do you look so repulsed at the idea of dating me? Am I not boyfriend material enough for you?” Jeongguk crosses his arm again, eyes drifting to a corner of your room, away from your face which is still painted thick with incredulity. The pout on his lips doesn’t seem to be going away. Okay, he’s sulking over a rejection from you even when his confession is still in the hypothesis phase, but your reaction over a possible dating rumor with him hurts!

“I’m not repulsed, just confused,” you laugh, hoodie-covered fingers pawing at Jeongguk’s tattooed arm to get him to untangle the limb. “You came all the way here for a hypothetical dating rumor which could arise from, what, a few seconds of my voice in your vlog? How does that equate to dating? Do people not have friends anymore?”

Friends don’t look at you and think how badly they want to kiss you, Jeongguk laments in his mind.

“Besides, it’s just that, Jeongguk. Hypothetical. There’s no actual dating rumor spreading, right?” you continue, the remnants of a laugh still spilling from your lips, and Jeongguk thinks what blessing it is to be unaware of all the comments and tweets from his fans about the closeness you and him showed in the vlog.

“But if, if—” Jeongguk glares when you roll your eyes, “—there was one, how would you feel about it?”

This is pointless, and they’re talking in circles. He is talking in circles, he knows. But at this point just saying anything seems like the better option than accepting defeat and actually having to go, leaving you and going back to his lonely apartment. Why would he want to do that when he can stay here with you?

“Confused, like I am now?” There’s a hint of exasperation in your tone, your smile dimming to something a little more tentative. “It wouldn’t make sense for a famous idol like you to date an ordinary person like me. I’d just think the whole rumor is a misunderstanding and probably would yap your ear off about not telling me that you’re dating someone.”

Jeongguk hates that you keep reminding him of the gap between you both. So just because he’s an idol and you’re not, he can’t date you? Why are you so stubborn over this?

“If the rumor was really with you,” Jeongguk persists, not taking any alternatives outside the one he wants, “would you stay being my best friend?”

“Of course,” you say in lightning speed, the furrow of your brows telling him you’re getting offended at his question. “Namjoon would probably tell you to stop contacting me for a while until the rumor goes down, but that doesn’t mean I’ll stop being your best friend. I’ve stayed for more than ten years, Jeongguk, do you think I’ll leave just because of a dating rumor? Which is still hypothetical, by the way.”

Hypothetical, but it’s on its way to becoming true, he thinks. If the media got wind of the theories his fans are cooking up about him and you, a rumor would surface for sure. The headlines would sound like a shitty clickbait title and Jeongguk would owe an endless supply of aspirin to Namjoon and his PR team to cure their headaches caused by this. There would probably be a livestreaming ban again for him, maybe with the added restriction of no posting on social media for weeks or months.

But as you said, you’ve stayed, right? You stayed when he went on to become a trainee. You stayed through days, sometimes weeks of no contact due to his training. You stayed even when all he had to offer was late-night complaints with snacks on the side. You’ve stayed through all of his ups and downs that it’s hard to remember a time when you weren’t in his life.

Maybe you won’t stay in his life as someone he really wants you to be, but at least, you’ll still be here.

You’re still talking about the impossibility of a dating rumor arising between you and him, going on a tangent of how the New York vlog is not enough to be presented as evidence, but all Jeongguk could think about is how cuddly you look sitting in his hoodie, lips forming a pout like they do whenever you’re passionately talking about something. In another universe, maybe he could lean in and taste the smile hidden behind that pout. In another universe, maybe he would.

“—now could you get up and go home already? You need to rest and I need to finish—”

 In the movies, midnights are often used as a sign of something important. An end of something fun. A start of something new. In real life, it’s just a time people put blame on for the stupid things they do in the late of the night.

Because right now, in this universe, and definitely in real life, Jeongguk could actually taste the lips he only ever dreamed to kiss. They taste sweet—maybe from the hint of blueberry jam of the muffin he knows you love, or the milk bun you like, could even be the chocolate bread you often bring home from the bakery. Or maybe it’s all in his head, because nothing is sweeter than finally kissing the best friend he’s been pining for for years.

Jeongguk’s hand comes up to softly cup your cheek, thumb brushing over the skin of your cheekbone, and he’s about to deepen the kiss as your hands come up to his chest. But instead of holding him in place, those hands are pushing him away. Not harsh, not abrupt, but enough for him to pull away from your lips, the round of his eyes meeting the shocked ones of yours.

Suddenly, it dawns on him that he might have missed a step in all of this, like, actually telling you how he feels.

The words are on the tip of his tongue, ready to roll out in lengthy paragraphs of endless love confession, of how long he has felt this way, of how much he would devote himself to you. His heart is thundering in his ears, and Jeongguk thinks it would leap out of his chest and present itself to you if he stays silent any longer.

“I—”

“I think you should go.”

Your tone is clipped.

“Bun, no, I—”

“Go home and rest, Jeongguk. You have a music show recording in four and a half hours and I still have a presentation to finish.”

You leave no room for argument as you get up from the floor and sit back down on your desk chair, head in your hands. It’s not a strange gesture for you to do, but Jeongguk hates it because this time, he knows he’s the cause of it. Suddenly, the few inches distance between you two feels like miles away, miles that Jeongguk can’t cover no matter how much he trains on his treadmill.

As he closes the door to your apartment behind him, it feels like closing a chapter of his life, the chapter where he doesn’t fuck up the relationship he has with his best friend. He doesn’t even know if he will still have you as his best friend after this. Doesn’t even know if you’ll still talk to him. Doesn’t even know if you’ll stay in his life.

Staring at your apartment door is useless, as any attempt to come back in would be a breach of your trust even more than what he already did. So Jeongguk redirects his sight to his watch, which tells him it’s almost one AM.

Fuck. He only has a little over four hours to forget about the ghost of your lips on his.

(Fuck. He’s never getting it out of his head.)

However, there’s one aspect of his life as a singer that he lets his team handle however they see fit: the behind the scene vlogs of everything he does in the spotlight.

At the beginning of his career, the company would have mini meetings with him to review the finished vlogs together, being very careful of the image they represent him by in the vlogs. Very rarely did it go back to the editing team for a snip of the clip, so eventually, Jeongguk just put a stop to the review. He’s the same person on stage and off stage anyway, so there was really nothing to worry about regarding his image.

Although, now, well established into his career, when Jeongguk does questionable things and the editing team just decides to keep the clips in the vlogs, he might need to go back worrying about the image they’re portraying of him in the media.

(He needs to worry, because often, they are too honest.)

It’s been a few weeks since he’s gone back from the US, now doing promotion rounds in his homeland, South Korea. For music show recordings in Korea, Jeongguk has to get up at the ass crack of dawn to get everything done—hair and make up, rehearsals, and then the actual recording. He’d be exhausted, but his fans have to be on standby even earlier than he does, so he can only imagine how tired they feel. All just to get a glimpse of him performing on stage.

But that’s what you do for someone you love, isn’t it? Stay awake late to do two-hour karaoke sessions on lives and be on standby in the freezing early morning air with lightsticks in hand. Jeongguk’s relationship with his fans is reciprocal, and he couldn’t be more grateful for it.

There’s another thing you do with someone you love—you tease them.

“Jeongguk, your TSX stage was so cool!” someone from the audience shouts.

“Was it? Did you enjoy it?” Jeongguk speaks into his mic, a happy glint in his eyes as he sweeps the full audience seats with his stare.

A loud cheer of YES!!! erupts from the audience.

“Oh, that’s a relief,” Jeongguk exhales into the mic. “I was really nervous, but your cheers gave me energy. Thank you.”

“Vlog too! We enjoyed the vlog too!”

“Huh?” Jeongguk’s eyes become even rounder as he tries to lock eyes with one fan in order to understand what they’re saying better. He even takes out both of his in-ear monitors so he can hear better as well. “Log? Blog?”

“Vlog!! US Vlog!! At the cafe!!”

“Ah!” Jeongguk’s expression morphs into one of realization, “Vlog! US vlog, after the performance?”

Another chorus of yes! sounds from his fans.

“Who’s the girl that was with you?”

For a second, Jeongguk hesitates. After all, the first time he accidentally blurted about your existence resulted in less than favorable repercussions for him. He even came up with the nickname just to protect you from anything bad that could possibly happen to you after the incident. Also, it would be a wise choice to separate his public and personal life, right?

Still, Jeongguk is anything but dishonest, so he says the words into his mic like it wouldn’t cause him trouble in the near future: “She’s my best friend.”

The soft smile on his face with which he uttered the words has his fans cooing, some even screaming in teasing. “Are you both together yet?” one of them shouts, making the whole studio go quiet until Jeongguk can hear one of the PD-nim of the music show cough faintly somewhere in the background.

Years of being an entertainer has taught Jeongguk that he shouldn’t answer this question, even with an obvious joke. Not even a twitch of his face muscle. Nothing would be safe from being turned into a provocative headline written by a journalist desperate for clicks. No matter how good the PR and legal teams in his company are, the moment those headlines are live, the damage would’ve been done.

Thankfully, Jeongguk’s manager is also aware of this fact, because the second the time stretches longer than deemed normal to answer a question, break time is declared over and Jeongguk is urged off the stage for some touch up on his makeup.

“You should be careful of what you say in public, Jeongguk-ah,” Namjoon chastises him the moment they’re back in the dressing room. “You know the media is ruthless when it comes to these things.”

“I didn’t say anything!” Jeongguk defends, a hint of a chuckle on his face. “Bun’s my best friend, isn’t she? Is that something I should not say publicly?”

“Not when this is the environment of your reality,” Namjoon sighs. “Sorry Kiddo, I personally don’t have a problem with it, but you and I both know—”

“I know, hyung.” Jeongguk glances at his manager through the mirror, the makeup puff on his cheek preventing him from turning his head completely. “Thanks for looking out for me. I promise I’ll be more careful next time.”

Namjoon throws him a small reassuring smile before going back to his phone, probably informing the PR team about Jeongguk’s shenanigans today and to watch out for weird headlines from the media. The mood in the dressing room turns a bit somber after their interaction, weighing heavy on Jeongguk’s heart so he tries to lift the spirits up.

“So, anyone wants to tell me what the editing team put in the vlog that my fans noticed my best friend so much from the video?”

Jeongguk gets his answer hours later, after the music show recording is over, after he said his goodbyes and thank you's to his fans, after he got back to the company to continue with his schedule for the day. There, displayed in 4K on his gigantic monitor in his personal studio, is twenty-something minutes of his adventure in New York with you, with the least amount of editing Jeongguk has ever seen on his vlog. It’s like the editor watched the full recording in one sitting and went yep, let’s just put captions on that and call it a day.

The more Jeongguk watches, the more he understands why his fans noticed you so much from his vlog. From the moment he walked around aimlessly in New York streets until he sat down in the dessert cafe with your brick ass laptop in his hand, you were always there. Your voice in the background when you were holding the camera. Your hand in frame when you shoved Jeongguk because he teased you. Your faded black cap sitting on the table in the dessert cafe when you took it off. (Bonus: your hands typing maniacally on your laptop to finish your midterm in time.)

But there’s one specific scene that makes Jeongguk feel like the editor is out to get him: the one when he fed you a huge piece of pastry with heaps of cream on it which got stuck on your lip and he used his thumb to wipe it off. And then sucked said thumb into his mouth like it was second nature to do so. Jeongguk didn’t think this scene would’ve made the cut into the actual vlog published on his official channel, but eh, it’s probably his fault for giving free creative reign to his video editing team when it comes to his vlogs.

Now watching from an outsider perspective, Jeongguk just realizes that this scene is a window to his true feelings about you, clear as day through his big bambi eyes. It really doesn’t help his case that the editor did not cut the scene after the whole cream fiasco either, when he was teasing to turn off the camera just to wipe cream off your lips again. Jeongguk wants to scream into a void, yet all he can do is sigh and slump back into his chair.

The vlog ends with him waving to the camera when you had finished your midterm paper and had submitted it to your professor and he had deemed the New York adventure done for the day. He was right to end the vlog there, as any documentation of your activities after that would be too domestic and personal to be shared with the world. (You and him went back to his hotel room, where the both of you ended up slumped on his bed in a sweets-induced coma. “I’m never eating pastry ever again,” you’d said, just to gobble down a croissant when Jeongguk ordered some from room service in random late-night hunger.)

Jeongguk’s finger hovers over his mouse, the cursor on the monitor hovering over the comment section button. He doesn’t usually check the comment section of his vlogs, preferring to go straight to Twitter to see the unhinged genuine reactions his fans might have on the new video. This time, though, something in his mind tells him to go easy, go through the typical “We love you Jeongguk♥️” comments before diving head-first into an analysis thread about who you are and what your relationship with him is.

Jeongguk is so cute

He’s so playful with the camera noona today lol

Reply: I think it’s not his staff, he mentioned his friend or something

I know this cafe! Their fruit pastries are the best

Jeongguk ordering the entire cafe for her uhhuh we love to see it

The way they bicker like a couple is so funny

Reply: Are they not a couple?

OP: No, they’re not

Everyone talking about the bickering but I just want to point out they did tug of war with her laptop. And the editor thinks this scene is necessary to be put into Jeongguk’s vlog. I’m rolling on the floor

Jeongguk snorts. The laptop tug-of-war scene is admittedly a breath of fresh air in the vlog, because it’s the only time he doesn’t have heart eyes while looking at you behind the camera. The glint in his eyes are purely out of joy and playfulness, trying to wrestle the heavy device out of your hold while simultaneously trying not to laugh because of how ridiculous the whole situation is. It feels like a normal interaction between a guy and his best friend instead of a guy and his best friend whom he’s in love with.

He continues scrolling through the comments, skimming over similar ones and chuckling at a few funny ones, but one particular comment makes his heart skip a beat.

Came to watch the whole video because the cream-wiping clip keeps appearing on my timeline. Jeongguk fans, is this his girlfriend? He looks at her like she hangs the stars in the sky. I’m not in the fandom, that’s why I’m asking.

Reply: She’s his best friend, he said so in the music show recording this morning

OP: Ah, well, it looks like he might be in love with his best friend, then

Reply: Half of the fandom thinks so too actually hahaha

What the fuck. Is he that obvious?

A simple Twitter search later tells him that yes, he is that obvious and more. If the comment section on YouTube only scratches the surface, his Twitter timeline is a whole different story. He’s scrolled past at least five tweets that say with confidence that you and him are dating secretly and this video is a soft-launch of your relationship. Another tweet agrees, saying that there is no way you guys are just friends after everything you’ve done in the vlog (they tweet like he kissed you in the vlog—though Jeongguk is not entirely opposed to the idea.)

At one point, Jeongguk’s fingers stop scrolling when he stumbles upon one tweet that the commenter on YouTube might have meant: a slowed-down video of the cream-wiping incident, with his entirely-too-innocent face zoomed in at the end. The video loops over and over again on his computer screen, reminding him that this moment is forever engraved on the internet with no chance of ever erasing it no matter how much Jeongguk wants to.

Against his better judgement, Jeongguk clicks on the tweet to see the replies on it.

The first reply directly under the video says something that paints a bitter smile on Jeongguk’s lips: “bet he wouldve kissed her right there had she not stopped him” — because if he didn’t care about where you were, didn’t care about his status as a famous singer, didn’t think about the repercussions of his actions, he would have. Or maybe not, because his lack of courage keeps stopping him from doing anything that has to do with revealing his feelings for you.

Diving deep into the replies under the kissing tweet drowns Jeongguk in a pool of self-pity, lamenting over the fact that even his fans are this confident about his love life and how they cannot be further from the truth. He’s so deep in the pool of darkness that he fails to see how this whole situation involved another person besides him: you.

The reminder comes in the form of a tweet—a thread, actually. About the first moment Jeongguk accidentally let it slip that he had a girl best friend in one of his livestreams, up to the most recent mention of said best friend in the music show recording this morning. The account even included the three-month period when he did not do any livestreams and speculated that it was his own decision because he wanted to drive away the media attention from his private life. But what struck him the most isn’t that—it’s when somewhere in the thread, the account mentioned his nickname for you. The nickname that’s not supposed to be known to the public, yet it is out there, on an anonymous account’s thread, garnering hundreds of likes as the minutes go by.

It doesn’t matter that the thread-poster used the word ‘apparently’ and ‘unconfirmed’ — all Jeongguk feels is panic as he frantically tries to read the whole thread, checking to see if this thread contains anymore information about you that shouldn’t even be here to begin with. Because if they could find out the private nickname, who’s to say they couldn’t find your real name, or worse, where you study, where you work, and where you live?

After confirming that the thread doesn’t contain anymore such things, Jeongguk reaches for his phone to send you a text. Well—more than one, actually, each one increasing in urgency than the last. When your only response is radio silence, he decides to call you—but even that goes straight to voicemail.

Jeongguk’s mind flashes to a few weeks ago when he was in New York and you did the exact same thing—’ghosted’ him, he’d said—but that was because you had a midterm to do and was flying across the world to get to where he was. Now, your midterms are over (you told him so a few days after you both landed back in Seoul from New York) and it’s not like you know anyone overseas that you had to visit urgently to warrant this kind of silence.

…or maybe you’re at work! Yeah, that must be where you are, considering it’s still—no… you couldn’t be, Jeongguk belatedly realizes. The bakery you work at closes at 9PM, and the clock on his computer screen glares a large 09:54PM, as if mocking him. Apparently his spiraling over the vlog, the comments, and the thread made by his fans took too much time than he thought, hours of his free time spent on the internet instead of on a new song Jeongguk should be working on like he told Namjoon he would when the music show recording ended.

Jeongguk pulls up the agenda Namjoon sent him this morning. There, in orange highlight, says MUSIC CORE RECORDING — 5AM. It’s literally seven hours away. He should be awake at least one hour prior, so that gives him six hours of sleep if he actually goes to bed now. Six hours is enough. It’s plenty, for an idol like him.

Six hours. Jeongguk has six hours.

In the creating music aspect of his career, Jeongguk has always had a say in everything he does. Which song goes into which album. Which song to be promoted as a single. Which demo suits his breathy voice more and which demo needs his powerful chest voice more. Even down to the addition of adlibs, Jeongguk’s opinion has always mattered, even if it’s not the final decision.

However, when it comes to anything else but creating music, Namjoon (or anyone else on his team) has never consulted him for advice because, and Jeongguk quotes: “No offense, Jeongguk, but your personal decison-making skills is shit.” which, wow, Jeongguk takes full offense, but he supposes the older man isn’t entirely wrong when he said that.

With six hours on the clock, instead of going home to sleep and sweep his worries aside until he can revisit them later after his work obligations are completed, he stands in front of your apartment door, proving Namjoon’s words just right.

Jeongguk’s decision-making skills are questionable at best, because he does things before he thinks them through. Blurt out an offer to you to go to New York. Take you strolling around New York instead of the camera noona like he was supposed to. Wipe pastry cream off your lips then lick it off his thumb. Go to your apartment an hour before midnight to ask if your silence has anything to do with the comments on the New York vlog.

Suddenly, the weight of the situation dawns on him. What is he doing? This is not 2012 anymore, when he was still a trainee and used to sneak into your home whenever he got tired of repeating the same songs and choreography prior to his debut. He’s not 15 anymore, with ddeokbokki and kimbab still warm in his hold, knocking on your door with a grin on his face, guilty of the roundness of your cheeks in the morning caused by the midnight snack.

It’s 2023, he’s 26, and he only has the weight of the world in his hold to share with you.

Still, true to his act-then-think nature, Jeongguk raises his hand to press the doorbell to your apartment. He could’ve just let himself in, your door passcode buried somewhere in his notes app, but with nothing but burden in his hands, he thinks bursting through your door unceremoniously would feel like breaching into your home.

When the door opens, your confused face is the first thing he sees. “Jeongguk?” you say, so much question in your tone. “What are you doing here?”

”Uh,” Jeongguk supplies dumbly. He clears his throat, tries to hold eye contact with you, but his nervousness betrays him. “Can I come in?”

Despite the confusion still plastered all over your face, you open the door wider to let him slip inside. No words are exchanged as Jeongguk shucks his shoes and coat off, placing them in their proper places before following you deeper into the apartment. His steps halt in the middle of your living space, standing in a place he’s surely been in in the past, yet it all feels so foreign.

Your bed is on a different position than the last time he was here, and your desk is on the far end of the room instead of being close to the front door. There are more cardboard boxes stacked at the foot of your bed than he remembers, more polaroid photos stuck on the cork board above your desk, more scribbles on the desk calendar that sits next to your opened laptop. The shelf next to your desk now houses a line of all his albums, each one signed with a short message personalized just for you. When he was last here, there were only three mini albums lined up on this very shelf.

Next to the albums, sits something that has always been there ever since Jeongguk could remember, unchanging amongst all the changes your apartment went through: his first music show win trophy, earned after two long years of his debut. After doing its rounds in the company, photographed by almost all of his staff to be posted on the internet, and shown off to his parents via a teary video call, the trophy was entrusted into your care, as a symbol of Jeongguk’s appreciation for your support ever since he was still training to be an idol.

Despite being coated in a thin layer of dust, the small trophy being placed in the same position since its move to your apartment blooms something warm in Jeongguk’s chest. The warmth nearly reaches his cheeks had you not called him back to present time, pulling his soul away from his 17-year-old self and back into his 26-year-old body standing awkwardly in the middle of your apartment.

”Care to explain why you’re here in the middle of the night, in the middle of the week?” you inquire after making sure that Jeongguk’s head is here instead of floating around in the clouds. “Also, please sit down, you look like the delivery guy waiting for tips if you keep hovering over the door like that.”

Jeongguk snickers, your description strangely apt for his posture even though he’d never waited for tips when he worked as a delivery guy for a short time before his debut (he was too scared of even expecting it—and back then, people were actually immune to his big bambi eyes, unlike now.)

”You didn’t reply to my texts, and my call went straight to voicemail,” Jeongguk supplies for your question, slowly sitting down on your bed, behind your figure on your desk chair. “Got me worried.”

”Oh,” you quip, hand reaching for your phone and looking at it like it’s a foreign object you’ve just discovered. “Sorry, had it on DND since my shift, and I had a presentation due tomorrow for a class, so…” you trail off, shrugging. “Plus the group chat is being so loud today, it’s kinda annoying.”

”You didn’t whitelist my number from your DND?” Jeongguk tries hard not to pout, he really does.

”Did you call twice?” You point your phone at him like a weapon, the beginning of a smirk blooming on the corner of your lips. “If you did, the second call would’ve gone through.”

When he speaks, it’s clear that his words are formed around the pout of his lips. “Come on … I was too worried.”

You shake your head, finally turning your body fully towards him, abandoning the blinking cursor on your Google Slides. The arms you cross in front of your chest don’t look the least bit intimidating because they’re covered in the softest sweater paws Jeongguk has ever seen on you—which, upon closer look, might be because you’re wearing his hoodie, an old one he accidentally left here but never got back to reclaim. It’s okay, it looks good on you. Makes you look like you’re his.

”Jeongguk, I’ve known you forever. You don’t come barging into my apartment when you’re just worried. Just tell me what happened,” you sigh. “Did you miss a step in the choreography today? Missed a note? Accidentally yelled at a staff member? Messed up on live?—wait, you didn’t go live today—Started a rumor that gave Namjoon a headache?”

At the last sentence, Jeongguk physically recoils. All the comments and tweets in response to the New York vlog floats in his mind like a broken highlight reel of all the mistakes he’s made in his life.

There’s something that flashes in your eyes that Jeongguk can’t decipher, but it’s gone before he gets the chance to really mull over it. Then your gaze towards him turns softer, reminiscent of the best friend who would comfort him whenever he came bearing worries over the missed step in the choreography and how Jeongguk was afraid of disappointing the people who had believed in him. It completely shatters the ready-to-launch defense on the tip of his tongue, prepared for your sharp and jabbing words instead of your calm and soothing ones.

“Did you accidentally post the same series of emojis again with some female idol from another company?” you chuckle, a hint of disbelief in your tone. “You know, I never get why they make such a big deal out of dating in the entertainment industry. You’re still gonna make music and it’s not like it’s gonna suck once you start dating. Unless your girlfriend is a walking red flag…” Scratching your cheek, your gaze trails off somewhere else, unaware of the internal debate Jeongguk is having with himself.

The reminder of the emoji thing makes him huff out a breath in a humorless chuckle. All he did was post a few pictures on Instagram with a series of emojis and the next thing he knew Namjoon was blowing up his phone asking him if he was dating someone. A thousand denials and a few frantic phone calls to the idol’s agency later, the rumor was successfully kept from being spread and the media quickly turned to prey on some other poor soul.

Jeongguk was lucky then. He’s not sure this time will be the same.

“Have you watched the New York vlog?” he asks at last, prompting your eyes to jump back onto him from staring at the far end of your apartment. The questioning hum you respond him with clearly says you didn’t hear what he said.

“The vlog, in New York. Have you watched it?”

“Oh, New York,” you parrot, seemingly still trying to figure out why this vlog is significant in any way. Then, “ooh, is it the one when I visited you? After the TSX stage?”

Jeongguk nods, toying with his lip piercing while debating whether to just tell you the contents of the vlog and the potential dating rumor it would spark or let you watch the whole thing and decide on your own.

Apparently his brain can’t decide fast enough to catch up with your fingers, which are already typing his official channel name onto the YouTube search bar. “I’ve been slammed with work and classes these days, so I didn’t even know it was out,” you mumble, clicking on the New York vlog that’s still listed at the top of his channel video uploads.

As the video loads, Jeongguk’s mind goes back in time again. Is this how you felt back then, whenever he was too busy with practice that he missed almost all of your achievements at school? Not exactly disappointed, because he knows you both have lives to live outside of each other, but there’s a gnawing feeling in his heart that’s too heavy to think about. You demanded nothing from him all those years ago. The least he can do is give you the same courtesy.

“Huh, did I not hold the camera high enough or am I just short?” you chuckle when the vlog plays, showing his grinning face with the New York streets as the background. Now Jeongguk gets to relive the feelings he felt while watching the vlog, except this time, with stray commentaries from you.

“Wonder why the editor kept the clip where you’re talking to me.”

“Ouu, this shot, bet your fans make gifs of this in different filters and stickers.”

“This laptop fight…heh.”

“Oh I remember the cafe staff was your fan, right?”

“Did you really have to order the entire menu, Jeongguk?”

Jeongguk supplied a chuckle here and there, just to tell you he’s listening, but all the while he was holding his breath while waiting for that part to come on and see your reaction. True to his prediction, all your comments ceased the moment the Jeongguk in the video started feeding video-you desserts from the array of them on the table. Jeongguk feels his pulse spiking seconds leading to the part, sneaking a glance at your face to see your expression. All he can see is your side profile, though, which tells nothing, so he inches his body forward, forward, forward, until he’s able to make out the lines of your lips, but—

THUD.

He face-plants into the floor of your apartment.

You jump in your seat, frozen in place for a few seconds as you’re seemingly processing the fact that your best friend is now lying on the floor, holding his nose while groaning.

“Are you okay?” you finally say, getting down from your desk chair to crouch beside Jeongguk. examining his body with a laugh halfway out your lips. “What are you doing on the floor?”

“Shut up,” Jeongguk hisses. It’s enough to have his nose—potentially—bruised, he doesn’t need his ego to follow suit. Shit, he has that music show recording tomorrow … Namjoon’s gonna have a field day watching the makeup team scold him while trying to cover up the bruise.

Although, now, he has more pressing issues to worry about. How does he explain to you why he fell on the floor without exactly telling you why he fell on the floor? “Haha yeah that cream-wiping clip from the vlog might have started a dating rumor and I just want to see your reaction to the clip”?? No??

“Will you stop being a baby and get up?” You swat at his arm with a chuckle tumbling out your lips, then carefully try to peel his fingers away from his face. The gentle way your fingers are grasping his is actually giving Jeongguk a whiplash, has him fighting off the urge to twist his wrist around and have his fingers grasping yours instead.

“Not a baby,” he grumbles, his eyes still closed, “just trying to estimate how upset the makeup team will be tomorrow when I show up with a bruised nose to the music show taping.” Huh, better than telling you how bad I wanna hold your hand, Jeongguk huffs in his head. He finally opens his eyes and extends his arms to you. “Okay, now help me up.”

“‘Not a baby’ my ass,” you mock as your reach for his hands so you can pull him into a sitting position. Still, your hands are gentle as ever when you brush the tips of your fingers on his nose, now tinged red from its contact with the floor. “It’s not scratched or anything so you should be fine for the taping tomorrow. What time is it?”

“Uh, I have to be on standby at five.”

“In the evening? That’s plenty—”

“In the morning,” Jeongguk corrects, looking at you with a duh expression on his face. “Music shows recordings are always in the morning, Bun.”

There it is again. The gnawing feeling in his heart; ugly, uncomfortable, suffocating. In the corner of his right mind, Jeongguk knows that this kind of things are not public knowledge, so you not knowing it should not be a big deal. But the other side of his mind taunts him with the thought of you not knowing means you don’t care about him anymore, which is ridiculous, because just a second ago you were carressing his nose in search of any injury. Maybe if he ignores the feeling hard enough, he can will it to disappear completely.

“What are you still doing here then?” Okay, ouch? “It’s almost midnight!” So?

Years of friendship has allowed you to learn about his expressions a lot, down to the scrunch of his eyebrows or a slight twitch of his lips, so they are an open book as you once again swat at his arm, harder this time after it’s confirmed that he doesn’t have any injury from his fall. “Jeongguk, you need to go home and rest. It’ll be five AM before you know it.”

“Are you kicking me out?” He raises his eyebrows, challenging.

“Well, yeah?”

Jeongguk heaves a sigh. “You’re kicking me out,” he repeats, “I’m worried about you and you’re kicking me out.”

“You’re so dramatic,” you grumble. “I was just doing my assignment. It’s your fault you went here instead of calling me twice like a sane person.”

“Did you consider the possibility of me worrying about something else other than your lack of response?” Jeongguk crosses his arms, looking you straight in the eyes. “Like, what you think about the New York vlog?”

Your expression morphs into one of confusion, and Jeongguk wonders if you look like this when you can’t wrap your head around the lesson in your college classes. “You came here because you want to know what I think about the New York vlog?” you repeat his words in one sentence, and when you put it like that, it does sound ridiculous. “What, were you seeking another validation for it? For what, walking around New York in the heat and eating ten plates of desserts on your own?”

Jeongguk calls you by your real name this time. He doesn’t mean it to come out so harsh, but the way you jump a little at his tone tells him that it was too much. “You realize that I can worry about you too, right, instead of always thinking about myself?” His tone is softer now. “Yes, I was worried when you didn’t answer my call, but I came here to make sure you’re not feeling uncomfortable over how much you appear in the vlog. If you were, I could talk to my team and we could adjust the video and reupload it.”

“Oh.” You blink, your surprise melting into something more unreadable, but Jeongguk can see the way the tension in your shoulders ebb away after. “Why would I be uncomfortable? The vlog didn’t even show my face at all?”

“Bun,” Jeongguk says, now back to his usual nickname for you, “I’m gonna hold your hand when I say this.” He takes your hands in his, sweater paws and all, and tries not to brush his thumb over your skin. “I’m an idol with fans all over the world who stops at nothing just to get a glimpse of my private life. They could find out where I was just from the background of a picture, find out who I was with from a reflection on a silverware. Heck, they found out I was getting a tattoo sleeve all those years ago from a reflection on a goddamn microwave.” He huffs out a chuckle from his chest. “It’s honestly impressive, but when it’s done at your expense, gets a little scary sometimes.”

“Right…” you trail off, even when Jeongguk knows it hasn’t fully settled in your mind how much of a problem this could be. “But, like, they only do that when it’s you, right? Why would they care to do that to me? I’m a nobody.”

Jeongguk have always believed in his mind that you are way smarter than he is, that’s why between the two of you, you’re the college student and he’s the idol. But in this particular moment, he feels like your intelligence is hiding somewhere in your brain, because no matter how many times he tries to explain without exactly saying the words, you just don’t get it.

“Well, they know you’re my best friend,” he points out, “don’t you think they might get curious? Even by now, they already found out my nickname for you, who’s to say they won’t dig for more?”

“Jeongguk,” you say with emphasis, “you say my nickname a bunch in the vlog. ‘Let me take your laptop, Bun. What do you want to order, Bun? Sure, Bun. Okay, Bun!’, it’s not their fault that they come to know the nickname.”

Yeah. Okay. It still stands true that you’re the smart one between the two of you. Jeongguk is just that much of an idiot.

“Besides, I don’t see any problem with your fans knowing my nickname. Isn’t that why you created it in the first place? So people don’t actually know what my name is? Why are you the one panicking now?” you continue pointing out. “I appreciate you worrying, but you should be worrying about yourself and the damn music show taping you have at five AM.”

“Stop talking about the taping, you’re not Namjoon.” Jeongguk frowns. “So you’re not concerned about my fans knowing your nickname?”

You shrug your shoulders. “Not really, it’s served its purpose of keeping my name private.”

“Not even when that could lead to them knowing about our relationship?” His head is so full of concern that Jeongguk fails to catch his slip-up. 

“What relationship?” OUCH. “That I’m your best friend? Don’t they know that already?”

Jeongguk’s frown deepens. Somehow, the ease you say the sentence with irks him, like this issue is only a big deal for him, when it’s your private life that’s at risk. Can’t you see how dangerous it could be if his fans found out more things about you? What if his sasaeng fans found out about the bakery you work at or the campus you study at and follow you back home like they do to him? What if they did something to you and he couldn’t protect you because he’s 13 timezones away like he often is?

“You don’t get it, Bun,” Jeongguk sighs, “if they think you and I are more than best friends—like you’re dating me, and I’m dating you—they could turn vicious. They’ll dig up for more things about you, find out things from your past. They’ll know you went to the same middle school as me, then they’d start identifying you from our school photos, start searching for any trace of you in my contents. Pictures, vlogs, songs, behind videos, old, new, everything. Then they’ll start following you home and lurk around your apartment on the daily. What if they start approaching you and harassing you? I can’t always be here to protect you, you realize that, right?”

Jeongguk loves his job as an idol. Truly, he does. But those things sometimes weigh on his mind, wear him down. Personally, he has made peace with it, and just sees it as occupational risk. Besides, he has bodyguards nearly 24/7 anywhere he goes, which lessens the chance for him to get hurt. He could also protect himself on his own.

But you?

You’re just a college student who happens to be tied with him in a close friendship. You don’t deserve any of those things if they were to happen to you.

“Yeah, but…” you trail off, teeth chewing on your bottom lip in hesitation, “we’re not … dating, Jeongguk. We’re just best friends, so the things you said most likely won’t happen.” Even when you say that, Jeongguk can see that there’s a cloud of doubt in your eyes, a sliver of fear appearing for a second too quick that he doesn’t have the chance to call you out on it.

“Wait.” You pause, gripping his arm suddenly, your eyes turning into slits. “Is this what you had in mind when I said you came here because you started a rumor that gave Namjoon a headache?” Disbelief is dripping from your tone. And to make matters worse, that disbelief is clearly apparent when you say: “A dating rumor with me?”

“Why do you look so repulsed at the idea of dating me? Am I not boyfriend material enough for you?” Jeongguk crosses his arm again, eyes drifting to a corner of your room, away from your face which is still painted thick with incredulity. The pout on his lips doesn’t seem to be going away. Okay, he’s sulking over a rejection from you even when his confession is still in the hypothesis phase, but your reaction over a possible dating rumor with him hurts!

“I’m not repulsed, just confused,” you laugh, hoodie-covered fingers pawing at Jeongguk’s tattooed arm to get him to untangle the limb. “You came all the way here for a hypothetical dating rumor which could arise from, what, a few seconds of my voice in your vlog? How does that equate to dating? Do people not have friends anymore?”

Friends don’t look at you and think how badly they want to kiss you, Jeongguk laments in his mind.

“Besides, it’s just that, Jeongguk. Hypothetical. There’s no actual dating rumor spreading, right?” you continue, the remnants of a laugh still spilling from your lips, and Jeongguk thinks what blessing it is to be unaware of all the comments and tweets from his fans about the closeness you and him showed in the vlog.

“But if, if—” Jeongguk glares when you roll your eyes, “—there was one, how would you feel about it?”

This is pointless, and they’re talking in circles. He is talking in circles, he knows. But at this point just saying anything seems like the better option than accepting defeat and actually having to go, leaving you and going back to his lonely apartment. Why would he want to do that when he can stay here with you?

“Confused, like I am now?” There’s a hint of exasperation in your tone, your smile dimming to something a little more tentative. “It wouldn’t make sense for a famous idol like you to date an ordinary person like me. I’d just think the whole rumor is a misunderstanding and probably would yap your ear off about not telling me that you’re dating someone.”

Jeongguk hates that you keep reminding him of the gap between you both. So just because he’s an idol and you’re not, he can’t date you? Why are you so stubborn over this?

“If the rumor was really with you,” Jeongguk persists, not taking any alternatives outside the one he wants, “would you stay being my best friend?”

“Of course,” you say in lightning speed, the furrow of your brows telling him you’re getting offended at his question. “Namjoon would probably tell you to stop contacting me for a while until the rumor goes down, but that doesn’t mean I’ll stop being your best friend. I’ve stayed for more than ten years, Jeongguk, do you think I’ll leave just because of a dating rumor? Which is still hypothetical, by the way.”

Hypothetical, but it’s on its way to becoming true, he thinks. If the media got wind of the theories his fans are cooking up about him and you, a rumor would surface for sure. The headlines would sound like a shitty clickbait title and Jeongguk would owe an endless supply of aspirin to Namjoon and his PR team to cure their headaches caused by this. There would probably be a livestreaming ban again for him, maybe with the added restriction of no posting on social media for weeks or months.

But as you said, you’ve stayed, right? You stayed when he went on to become a trainee. You stayed through days, sometimes weeks of no contact due to his training. You stayed even when all he had to offer was late-night complaints with snacks on the side. You’ve stayed through all of his ups and downs that it’s hard to remember a time when you weren’t in his life.

Maybe you won’t stay in his life as someone he really wants you to be, but at least, you’ll still be here.

You’re still talking about the impossibility of a dating rumor arising between you and him, going on a tangent of how the New York vlog is not enough to be presented as evidence, but all Jeongguk could think about is how cuddly you look sitting in his hoodie, lips forming a pout like they do whenever you’re passionately talking about something. In another universe, maybe he could lean in and taste the smile hidden behind that pout. In another universe, maybe he would.

“—now could you get up and go home already? You need to rest and I need to finish—”

 In the movies, midnights are often used as a sign of something important. An end of something fun. A start of something new. In real life, it’s just a time people put blame on for the stupid things they do in the late of the night.

Because right now, in this universe, and definitely in real life, Jeongguk could actually taste the lips he only ever dreamed to kiss. They taste sweet—maybe from the hint of blueberry jam of the muffin he knows you love, or the milk bun you like, could even be the chocolate bread you often bring home from the bakery. Or maybe it’s all in his head, because nothing is sweeter than finally kissing the best friend he’s been pining for for years.

Jeongguk’s hand comes up to softly cup your cheek, thumb brushing over the skin of your cheekbone, and he’s about to deepen the kiss as your hands come up to his chest. But instead of holding him in place, those hands are pushing him away. Not harsh, not abrupt, but enough for him to pull away from your lips, the round of his eyes meeting the shocked ones of yours.

Suddenly, it dawns on him that he might have missed a step in all of this, like, actually telling you how he feels.

The words are on the tip of his tongue, ready to roll out in lengthy paragraphs of endless love confession, of how long he has felt this way, of how much he would devote himself to you. His heart is thundering in his ears, and Jeongguk thinks it would leap out of his chest and present itself to you if he stays silent any longer.

“I—”

“I think you should go.”

Your tone is clipped.

“Bun, no, I—”

“Go home and rest, Jeongguk. You have a music show recording in four and a half hours and I still have a presentation to finish.”

You leave no room for argument as you get up from the floor and sit back down on your desk chair, head in your hands. It’s not a strange gesture for you to do, but Jeongguk hates it because this time, he knows he’s the cause of it. Suddenly, the few inches distance between you two feels like miles away, miles that Jeongguk can’t cover no matter how much he trains on his treadmill.

As he closes the door to your apartment behind him, it feels like closing a chapter of his life, the chapter where he doesn’t fuck up the relationship he has with his best friend. He doesn’t even know if he will still have you as his best friend after this. Doesn’t even know if you’ll still talk to him. Doesn’t even know if you’ll stay in his life.

Staring at your apartment door is useless, as any attempt to come back in would be a breach of your trust even more than what he already did. So Jeongguk redirects his sight to his watch, which tells him it’s almost one AM.

Fuck. He only has a little over four hours to forget about the ghost of your lips on his.

(Fuck. He’s never getting it out of his head.)

You’d been dating Seonho for most of your college life, before going into marriage two years after graduation. You were blessed right after it with Miyeon, a beautiful baby girl who resembled her father a lot. You always thought it was a cute feature, something you always joke about with Seonho–how his baby girl is a replica of him and all you’ve been doing is just carrying her around for 9 months before delivering her. 

But now, in the aftermath, looking at your daughter’s face feels like being stabbed in the chest with a sharp knife. Maybe it doesn’t bleed anymore–not after almost a year–but your wound has never properly recovered. It’s there, pulsing with ache every time you have to step up your role as both parents for Miyeon.

Due to Miyeon’s age, you got full custody, while Seonho still had his visitation rights. Miyeon visited her dad every weekend, so you finally get your me time. A full me time with no strings to relationship for the first time after 10 years. One part of yourself felt excited, but honestly, the bigger part of you often felt disoriented. The first three months you’ve been trying out so many things, post-breakup revenge things you see people do on Tiktok or Instagram, but it could only go so far. 

Because no matter how many times you try to revamp yourself, how many times you try to tell yourself that he’s the one who'll be missing out, the pain of being cheated on is something you’ve never experienced before. And frankly, it’s way more painful than childbirth–than anything you’ve been through and dealing with. It felt like the home you’ve carefully built brick by brick was smashed down by a wrecking ball. It hit directly right in the gut, crept up and then tore your heart apart. But honestly, the most difficult part was the breach of trust. You’ve trusted Seonho for half of your life. He was, after all, only the second boyfriend you’ve ever had. And he was good. He was the epitome of a dream son-in-law your mother had always wished for–well mannered, smart, hard-working. It might also be the reason why you agreed to marry him kind of young. You thought he is the one, that you will never find someone better as a life partner. 

But of course, life always throws a sick joke your way. You first noticed by the way he always brought his phone everywhere. Classic, right? Then you felt  how his attention shifted. He never asked you about your days anymore, and all conversations revolved around house chores and Miyeon’s daily life. You felt it, and you confronted it, little by little, because God forbid you’re thoughtful about him. You didn’t want to push him too hard because you knew his work had been tough on him too. So you tried, gently, asked about what was wrong and he never gave you a definite answer. Until one day, you woke up in the middle of the night, thirsty for water, and you saw for the first time, his phone left charging outside the bedroom. 

When they said how a woman’s instinct is always mostly right, they were not wrong. Because there had been one name, his work colleague, whom you always had a suspicion of. Her name thrown here and there between your daily conversation. It shouldn’t be a problem, you also have your male work colleague, but again, your instinct kicked in when one day Seonho told you about her love life, about how she just broke up with her boyfriend over silly things. He should not know about that. He should not be the one she shared her sappy story with. Because of course he’s fucking married. 

So when you saw her name on his phone history, so-fucking-many times–too many for just a colleague–you knew. Then there were all other receipts you preferred not to think about, but were enough to confront him. You didn’t ask for divorce directly. God no. You thought about Miyeon, how this all would affect her. You pondered about the possibility of forgiving him. But honestly, you could not spend another single night where you cried yourself to sleep, and days where you wondered whether he will cheat on you again.

So, here you are. One year after the divorce, living your life as normally as possible, spending days with a big WHAT-IF inside your head sometimes, wondering how life would be if you never chose to marry Seonho. You had your dream back then, wanting to explore the world, maybe work abroad, getting a Master’s Degree, but you know Seonho is a domestic man through and through. He hesitated to try a new dish, let alone travel the world to explore.

For Miyeon’s sake, you went back to your mother’s house. She helped you take care of Miyeon while you were working, and you took care of her financially. It’s a win-win, you never know how lonely your mother was now that she lived alone, after your brother got married and moved out. Your father passed away  quite a long time ago. Sometimes you wish he were still here, so you could be his little girl again and ask him to punch Seonho in the face for ruining your future.

[Wonhee] : You’re coming right? [You] : Where? [Wonhee] : Middle school reunion this weekend!

Taking off your work glasses, you massage your temples. You kind of forgot about the middle school reunion agenda Wonhee–your best friend from middle school–had been raving about. As she should though, because this will be the first time your class in middle school will be having a reunion. Sometimes you can’t believe that you’re already at that age where your social agendas are school reunions. Last month was high school, and you only lasted 30 minutes because you didn’t know many people. But middle school was different. You were a different child back then. Maybe because you hadn’t been pressured to study so hard for college application, but what you remembered from middle school was a lot of laughter and fun. 

And Jungkook.

Your crush and first boyfriend in the last year of middle school. You met him for the first time inside the class. Honestly, he was one of the most good-looking boy you've ever see. Later, he was assigned as class president while you were his deputy. This made you spend some extra time with him, outside the school hour. Your teacher later told you, the reason why she chose the two of you because apparently you and him were always very active in class by asking quite handful of questions in many subjects.

He was an interesting boy to say the least. He was definitely part of the popular crowd, with his looks and social skills, but he was also the teachers’ favorite with his intelligence and sharpness. You never intended to develop feelings and even be in a 'relationship' with him. But you spent so much time with each other that you fell victim to his charm. You remembered him telling you that you were the smartest and most fun girl he ever had a conversation with. And it was cute, the way he asked you to be his girlfriend, the way you became boyfriend and girlfriend at the age of 15. Until you broke up because you wanted to go to the best high school in the city, while Jungkook needed to go back to his hometown due to his parent’s work.

Were you sad when it happened? Of course. But it’s a middle school love, so a broken-hearted you at 15 doesn’t need a long time to recover. Unlike at the age of 30 with a kid. It needed more alcohol and cursing, only with Wonhee of course. Miyeon only gets to see the composed side of you. 

You haven’t spoken to Jungkook ever since. You never saw him either. But you did connect on Facebook, and he updated once when he got married a few years back. Was it 2 or 3 years ago? You also found out that he lived in Singapore right now. Maybe he worked there. You did wonder what his job was, and if he ever got to be a teacher just as he wanted.

Ok, so all these memories about Jungkook are maybe another coping mechanism of yours and the manifestation of a WHAT-IF scenario inside your head that recently is acting up more often. What if you and Jungkook never broke up? Would you marry him? Lived in Singapore with him? 

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves, you also did this scenario with the guy from IT Department you thought was cute last week. Does he have a wife? How does it feel to come home to him every night?

Yeah, you’re weird, and maybe a bit lonely, and also in dire need of self validation–Wonhee said. Something normal you’re experiencing according to your therapist.

Of course you went to therapy after the divorce. You needed to do something about the sleeping trouble, the self worth emergency, and every emotionally challenging stuff you need to juggle while maintaining to be working mom of the year. You need to get your shit together for Miyeon. 

It’s not easy, but it needs to be done. As you said, you don’t have time to be depressed when you have the responsibility of raising a child. You love her so much, you swore you will do anything to make the transition in her life as smooth as possible. You need to be strong when you explain to her why mommy and daddy do not share a house anymore. 

As you type a reply to Wonhee, you laugh to yourself. All these thoughts about Jungkook as if he will attend the reunion. First, didn’t he live in Singapore as you remembered he was? Second, he’s a married man. Get your grip. It’s highly inappropriate for you to think about someone’s husband. You knew it first hand on how it damaged someone else’s life, surely you don’t need to be the perpetrator now.

Surprisingly, Jungkook is here. You stop in your tracks when you see him right at the registration desk. Your reunion is happening at a venue just outside the city. It is usually used for wedding receptions, but the committee had turned the mini hall, overlooking a lake, into a reunion party complete with a mini stage, food stalls and a kids playing area. Miyeon would love it there, since you see four children playing around. It makes you realize that you are definitely in that age range where your peers are having their little family and raising their own children. You look over at Jungkook again and think for a second, he’s alone, or at least it looks like he doesn’t have a partner or a child by his side.

That doesn’t mean he doesn’t have one waiting at home–you think, shaking your head to put a bit of sense into you. He does look good though. Fifteen years later with no contact and yet you still recognize him in a second. He’s definitely taller, broad back, but his side profile remained the same, the boyish smile was still there, even though you can definitely see how his features have matured over time. 

It should be okay to appreciate your friend–though he’s also an ex–appearances after all these years apart. You can leave it at that. You should leave it at that. Huffing a breath, you continue your way to the registration desk once you’re sure Jungkook’s away. There are a total of 100 plus people attending, including their partners or spouses and children. When you are done registering, you feel a pat on your shoulder and when you turn, you’re greeted by a warm smile. 

“Hey, Y/N? How have you been?”

“Oh my God! Eunwoo? Wow, it’s been so long. I’m good, how are you?”

“Good. It’s so great to see many of our classmates coming today.”

“I haven’t met anyone, just got here. I think Wonhee is already inside.”

“Yeah she is. Let’s get inside then, we have our own section on the tables by the left side.”

You follow Eunwoo, stopping a little bit for a few times when you meet your classmates from first and second year. Until finally you reach the round table where most of your final year classmates are sitting. You greet them one by one, some with a long hug because you miss them a lot and you are actually in the same group chat–just haven’t found the time to really meet up.

“Hi, Y/N.”

Though his voice is a bit deeper, you can still recognize his honey voice anywhere.

“Hi, Jungkook,” you shake his hand, “how are you?”

“Good as can be. You’re looking great.”

You try to suppress any tingling feeling in your chest. He’s just your ex-classmate giving a compliment after not seeing you for 15 years. God, that is a long stretch of time. You should give him a compliment too. After all, you really think he looks good too. It should be harmless. 

“You too. Wow, you’re so tall now.” 

“You didn’t meet me at my peak potential,” he says while giving you a grin.

You laugh it off, holding yourself from poking him on his shoulder to not make any unnecessary contact. 

You can hear the MC testing the mic on the stage, so you think you should take a seat somewhere.

“Here, this seat is empty.” Jungkook gestures to the seat next to him. 

Of course it is. The universe is really trying to test you. You smile and take the seat next to him, while chanting inside your head, he’s married, he’s married for a few more times to let it sit inside of you.

“How’s your child doing? Sorry, is it a girl or a boy? I remembered seeing you post about your child a few years back, but I don’t really remember the gender,” Jungkook asks, while in the background you can hear the MC talking about that day’s program. 

“She’s a girl, her name’s Miyeon. She’s great, just turned five a few months ago,” you reply. Heart definitely feels warm that he remembers this about you, “and how about you? I think you posted that you moved to Singapore?”

He chuckles before replying, “actually just moved back here. I went to Singapore for my undergrad and have lived there ever since.”

“Wow, I must have seen that picture a very very long time ago.”

“Yeah, I don’t really post that much.”

“Definitely.”

He smiles again before taking his glass of water. You can see he has some tattoos on his right knuckles. Then you notice, there’s no wedding band around his ring finger. But these days a lot of guys at the office are also not wearing their wedding rings. Some said they are afraid they’ll lose it. Some say it’s not comfortable to wear all day. So, not wearing a ring doesn't always mean they’re not married.

“So you’ve been staying in Singapore all these years?” you asked. Because he did say he just moved back here.

“Yeah, after graduation I got offered a scholarship to continue my Master's, and then I got the opportunity to pursue a lecturing job at my University. So, yeah, the past ten years I lived over there.”

You nod a few times. Despite the early attraction you felt when you saw him again, you genuinely feel good reconnecting with Jungkook. Because aside from the romantic relationship you had with him in your early teenage years, he was definitely your friend. A good friend who you could talk with easily. A friend who constantly made you laugh and shared the same interest–music and food at that time.

“How about you? You still live in your old neighbourhood?”

“Recently, yeah.”

Funny that you spent ten years not living in that neighbourhood, but somehow right now, when Jungkook asked you, you came back to that old house. Your childhood home. The one he definitely knew as he walked you home from school almost everyday.

“So we’re kinda moved back just recently, huh?” 

You smile with the realization, “yeah, we kinda are, aren’t we?”

You don’t want to guess whether Jungkook knew what it meant–for you to move back to your childhood home recently. Because you also feel like you don’t want to pry too much into his personal life–unless he told you first.

The conversation blends into group conversation once the MC is done talking on the stage and apparently giving time for people to mingle and eat lunch. There will be a group competition later on, but obviously people need to reconnect before teaming up to beat each other.

Wonhee nudges your shoulder while you are queuing for the sushi stall. 

“Your ex’s looking fine.”

You roll your eyes before handing her a clean plate.

“No seriously, the others were talking about how good Jungkook looked today.”

“He’s married, stop ogling over a married man.”

“Girl, you didn’t know?”

You arch your eyebrow while waiting for the person in front of you taking his sweet time picking salmon rolls.

“He’s on your team.”

“What team? We haven’t even decided the teams yet.”

“No, you moron. He’s divorced too.”

That made you stop your movement. Wonhee needs to nudge you again so you can start picking out the salmon sashimi you’ve been eyeing before. You definitely picked a lot less than you were planning, because boy oh boy, Wonhee didn’t just drop a bomb like that.

“How do you know?”

“I asked Eunwoo.”

“God, that’s inappropriate to ask, don’t you think?” you hiss, eyes darting around to make sure Jungkook himself is not nearby.

“Oh come on, pretty sure others were going to ask him if I didn’t. You know Haewon had her eyes on him from the start. Rumors have been swirling around that Jungkook moved back to Seoul because he separated from his wife.”

Wasn't he the one who worked there? Was his ex-wife also a lecturer at the same University? 

“Well, I feel bad for him. Divorce is not an easy route, Man.”

“Maybe you two can bond over having the same experience,” suggests Wonhee, who picks up a slice of salmon sashimi from your plate with her chopsticks.

“It’s a reunion, Wonhee, not a divorce support group meeting.”

“Well, I’m just saying. You have the upper hand by being his ex, you know, at least more than that Haewon girl.”

You don’t reply. You just eat your sushi while scanning the hall, mindlessly searching for the person of interest, who unsurprisingly is not difficult to find, even in the crowd. 

Jungkook stands right over the dessert table, a small plate in his hand. Maybe that plate isn’t that small, maybe his hand is just big. Your brain really needs a deep clean. He really does look good though. Now that you see him from the front while standing, you can see how muscular he’s gotten. 

Oh who are you kidding, the word you were aiming for is hot actually. But somehow your mommy brain won’t allow you to think about that word. God, you’re a mom, not a teenager. You shouldn’t be gawking over a hot ex. After all, are you even ready to jump into something new after everything?

“We haven’t seen each other for 15 years, who knows if he’s still the same person I knew,” you murmur, “besides, I’m not sure I’m ready for anything after… you know…” and before Wonhee can reply, you add, “also why are we talking like he is even interested?? I mean, look at him.”

“Yea pretty much everyone is looking at him,” Wonhee says while looking at him with starry eyes to confirm what you meant, clearly not  intending to make you feel better, “but you two had history, and maybe,” putting down her plate on the table beside you, she grasps your shoulder and looked you in the eye–such a grand serious gesture from your usually goofy friend, “maybe this doesn’t need to be THAT serious. I mean come on, you’ve only been with your ex-husband for your entire adult life, you deserve to have fun, see where things are going, if he’s not interested so what? It’s not like you’re stuck in a locked room with him. You can just ignore it like the past 15 years.”

You peer over Wonhee’s shoulder to see Jungkook again across the hall. Maybe she’s right. It’s obvious you’re attracted to him from the start and you’ve been suppressing that feeling because you thought he’s married. Now that you know he’s not anymore, and you’re also not anymore, what’s the harm in  testing the water? See if that puppy love from 15 years ago still lingers in between.

“Yea, well…” before you can continue, the MC announces that game sessions will be starting soon. Everyone needs to gather and form a team of six people to participate. The winning team will receive prizes ranging from home appliances to hotel vouchers. Man, the committee did a really good job in fundraising, you think. Well, some of your peers did become very successful and eventually donated for this event.

You and Wonhee walk back to the place where your ex-classmates had gathered. Some of them have already formed a team, while you, Wonhee, Eunwoo, instinctively stand closer with Eunha and Jaehyun joining in. 

“Hey, Jungkook, wanna join our team? We’re missing one person over here.”

Just as you are about to call on Jungkook who was walking closer towards your area, Haewon shouts from across your team. You want to hit your head for not asking him sooner. But then, he looks at you with an arched eyebrow, silently asking whether your team is still open. So you nod tentatively.

“Sorry, I already promised Y/N to be on her team.”

Yeah, he definitely belongs in Wonhee’s team for not considering any implications of their actions towards your future. For example, the daggers Haewon shot your way with every movement Jungkook makes closer. And let’s not forget the apparent surge of your heartbeat with every smile he throws your way. 

But he’s oblivious–obviously–giving you the widest grin that reminds you of his 15 years old self after triumphantly getting you that Pororo plushie from a claw machine. 

“You never promised me anything,” you whisper when he finally stands beside you, while Eunwoo writes down all your teammates' names in a paper before handing it to the committee.

“I beg to differ. I remember I promised you a lot of things.”

Again, he smiles the widest grin that made the corner of his eyes along with his nose wrinkled in the most adorable way. Is he even 29 years old??

“What? You still remember whatever you said 15 years ago?” you joke.

“Only the important ones.”

“Like what?”

“Like buying you ice cream whenever you’re on your first day of period.”

This time you don’t hold back. You poke on his shoulder because God that was embarrassing. But maybe poking a muscle bunny was a wrong move from your side, because he doesn’t budge, at all, and your two fingers now hurt.

“Ouch!”

You don’t think he will take your hand, then blows on your fingers, “careful, I’m much stronger now.”

“What would you build a tank of a body for??”

“A lot of things, really,” and when he lowers his head a little bit to whisper in your ear, shivers run down your spine, “it comes in handy for a lot of things.”

Fortunately, the MC is calling all the teams to gather around closer to the stage for the game’s instruction. As much as you think how silly it is to play games at this age, it really is fun and enjoyable. Even though the games are not new at all, playing charades, name that tune and a giant Jenga with friends you haven’t seen in a while are really a great icebreaker, and a way to make you feel closer again. You realize that it helps some of you to unwind, strip down from all the adult responsibilities you’ve been carrying around. At least for a good one and a half hour, you let your mind and body let loose. Be young and carefree again.

The sky has turned an orange-ish hue when the game session was over. And to your team’s delight, the six of you won the first prize–which was a one night stay at a five star hotel back in the city for each person.

Seeing Eunha holding her daughter while giving her snacks, you become aware of the fact that you haven’t contacted Miyeon at all today. Even though she’s safe with her  dad, usually you drop a call or video call to let her know about your day. So, you excuse yourself for a while to go outside–since inside the event has turned into a karaoke session with some of your classmates singing very well ‘in tune’.

Turns out Miyeon has already fallen asleep. Seonho even turns on the video call just to show how she’s peacefully tucked in her bed. They were out all day at the waterpark, so she’s understandably tired. Seonho says she did ask for you before bed, but could understand when he explained that mommy was busy. You feel a bit guilty that you missed her call today, but you know you need to manage this feeling. That making time for yourself is not a crime. Your therapist often said that you needed to fill yourself with love, to be able to give love to Miyeon. So, taking time to take care of yourself is necessary.

“Hey, you okay?”

You are deep in thought that you didn’t even realize Jungkook’s already standing by your side.

“Yeah, just needed to call my daughter.”

“Figured. Do you need to go back soon?”

You shake your head, “not really. She’s with my… ex-husband right now, it’s his time.”

Looking out towards the lake, you can see how the water reflects a golden ray as the sun sets down. Jungkook keeps quiet for a while, probably unsure whether to ask a follow- up question or to discard it and try to divert the conversation the other way.

But, he can’t help himself. Not when you remind him of the comforting days of the youth. When all you two could care about were grades and teenage hormones. At times, it was too much, but right now, he wishes that’s all he needs to think about. Not the uncertainty of starting over, in terms of career, and love life.

“So you’ve separated from your husband?”

“Yeah,” you glance at him before deciding whether it is a good decision to ask. Seeing him relax, eyes looking down to the lake where some swans are swimming peacefully, you decide to ask, “I heard it’s the same case for you. Is it true?”

“Yeah,” he answers right away, eyes still looking forward, “six months now, that’s why I came back to Seoul.”

“I thought your job was in Singapore?”

“It was. But so was hers . We were in the same department,” he chuckles lightly, “guess it’s right what they said, don’t date your co-worker, it’ll be weird when it turns ugly. Luckily there was an opening for a lecturer at Yonsei, so I applied and got accepted.”

For a moment you think about what might have happened. Especially when he said ‘ugly’. The Jungkook you knew 15 years ago would never cheat. He’s too good to do that. But then again, you thought the same about Seonho and look where you are right now. So, you really can’t assume anymore.

Maybe he senses it by the silence from your side, so he turns to you before continuing, “we just couldn’t see eye to eye anymore. It was amicable, Lucy and I. I just thought it would be harder for us if we keep on working together while navigating a divorce. So, I decided to move out of Singapore. It was her home anyway.”

Perhaps it’s the dynamic between you two that makes it easy to be comfortable in such a short amount of time, even after being apart for so long. As you’ve said, despite the puppy love, you were good friends. 

You hum in response, absentmindedly moving closer to each other. The wind gushes around you as the sky turns a little bit darker.

“He cheated on me.”

“Fuck–sorry, didn’t mean to curse but, fuck, Y/N…”

“Yeah, 10 years together and a beautiful daughter, down the drain.”

“That’s just brutal.”

“Right.”

You both don’t say anything for a while. Guess Jungkook is  trying to acknowledge your situation as you can see his mouth open and close a few times while his eyes open wide, clearly taken aback by your confession.

“I guess even after a year, I’m still learning how to be with myself again. Just me, not his girlfriend, wife, or his daughter’s mother.”

“Yeah, I get it. It might not be that long for me, but adjusting your life back after a long committed relationship is not easy.”

“True.”

“It’s just me and it’s not easy at all. I can’t imagine you having to deal with it while having a daughter. Let alone the thing that he did to you.”

You shrug, while producing a weak smile, “guess it’s true what they said about us, women, we do hold superpowers.”

He chuckles again, “yeah… always knew you were a strong one, but… this is…”

“Enough about me. I wanna know how you finally get to teach. What do you teach exactly?” It’s not that you want to shut him out, but you’re afraid you’ll cry again if you relieved all those feelings.

“Media and communication.”

“That sounds interesting. But I must say I’m a little bit surprised. I thought you would major in sciences or like, IT?”

“Turns out creating and writing something that could evoke emotions or reactions from audiences was really my passion,” he admits.

“I can see the vision.”

“What?” 

Now you’re the one who sets your eyes to the lake, while his lands on your figure beside him.

“You, writing. Always thought you had a talent for words.”

“Yeah? What gives? My love letter for you?” 

God, you hope he doesn’t see the blush creeping up your cheeks. You may still have those letters inside a shoebox in your closet. Not because you want to cling to it, but you didn’t have the heart to throw it away. As cheesy as it may seem, it’s the beauty of young love. When everything feels so intense, dramatic and serious. You remember having a pink diary inside that shoebox that might or might not have some scribblings of Jungkook’s name with yours inside a heart.

“What? Why are you laughing?” he asks.

“I don’t remember your exact words, but I’m pretty sure you quoted some Oasis and Coldplay’s lyrics in there.”

Jungkook laughs again, louder now, the kind where his body vibrates. It prompts you to mimic it.

“We were in the band's era, weren’t we?”

“You definitely were,” you reply. Remembering how he called you at night and asked you to listen to him playing the guitar, “God knows how many times you played Wonderwall through my phone.”

“And Sparks.”

“Yeah, Sparks,” you murmur. If you could choose one song to become the soundtrack of your time with Jungkook during middle school, Sparks by Coldplay would be it. The song would be playing on loop from your ipod while you shared the earphone with him.

“I love that song.”

“Me too.”

He looks at you once again, and this time, you look back at him. You both smile nostalgically. At that exact time, it feels like you are opening a Pandora Box, filled with memories from the youth that were exactly the opposite of what you are getting through recently.

“Life did sound so simple at that time.”

Jungkook sighs, “yeah, who knew being a grown up sucks ass.”

You laugh again. Seems like you laugh a lot more today than the past six months. You won’t even try to compare with the first six months fresh off the divorce. Because at that point of time, sleep was a luxury, let alone a genuine heartfelt laugh. Of course you’ve  laughed since. Having a best friend like Wonhee does help a lot. But this laugh, this kind of laugh with a giddy feeling, yeah, it’s been a while.

“Hey, Kook.”

It spurs another nostalgic feeling inside Jungkook hearing you call him by that nickname.

“Yeah?”

“It really is nice seeing you again today.”

“Pleasure’s all mine.”

Suddenly your shoes become the most interesting thing to see. You did think it was a good idea to test the water with Jungkook. But now that you have your time with him, it scares you. Because you can’t even explain how you are feeling right now. You can’t deny the attraction you feel to him, but at the same time, and for the most part, you are scared. Since you know, liking and wanting someone means you need to be ready for the other side of the spectrum. The spectacular let down, heartbreak and disappointment. And the more you think about it, the more sure you are that you may not be ready.

That’s when you feel it. Maybe your heart is not even mended back together. Maybe it’s still in pieces. And now looking at Jungkook, you’re getting more scared that his is also the same. So you need to ask yourself, what kind of relationship do you want to build on that?

“I think I should go back.”

Jungkook takes a quick glance at his watch, “yeah, sure, it’s late. How did you come here? Did you bring a car?”

“No, I took the bus.”

“I can drive you back.”

“You sure? I mean, if you still wanna hang around, I don’t want to–”

“No, it’s okay, I still have lots of things to unpack anyway.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

Another awkward smile between you two before heading back into the hall. The karaoke session apparently had finished some time ago. A band currently is on stage, playing Still Into You by Paramore. It really does feel like you went back in time. All the familiar faces, photos from back in the days displayed on the large screen by the stage, and again, Jungkook, being exactly how you remember him, nice, attentive, a great listener and hella handsome.

Some people start to say goodbye, especially those who bring their children as it is nearing bedtime. So you and Jungkook do the same. You try to ignore some pair of curious eyes, seeing you leaving together with him. You exchange numbers with Eunwoo before shaking his hand–a promise to keep contact, before hugging Wonhee who holds you longer to whisper in your ear, “Jungkook’s driving you home right?” which you nod in reply. 

“Yas, get it girl,” she pats your back one more time before letting you go, giving you a wink with a smirk you want to scratch out of her face because God forbid it makes your mind go places.

It doesn’t get better when Jungkook opens the car door for you, a black Hyundai Palisade, before going to his side. The first thing you realize is his car smells good. A mix of new leather with probably his cologne? Musky with the right amount of citrus. The type of scent you won’t mind inhaling religiously.

“You’re good?” he asks, making sure you are sitting comfortably and your seatbelt’s in place.

“Yeah,” you nod.

“How’s your mom doing? I hope she’s doing good,” Jungkook asks while he maneuvers the car into the road.

“Yeah, she is. Still makes the meanest Japchae known to mankind.”

“Agree, my mom could never.”

“Don’t let her hear that though,” you reply. You only met Jungkook’s parents once during graduation, before they moved back to Busan, and you remember how Mrs Jeon was a very cheerful and kind woman, and Jungkook obviously teases her a lot about her cooking skill, “how’s your mom and dad? And how’s your brother?”

“They’re great. Very excited because my brother just had a daughter last year, so yeah, they’re in full grandparents mode.”

“Oh, wow, you’re an uncle?”

“The cool kind of course.”

You chuckle while rolling your eyes. But you can definitely imagine how he is with his niece. Jungkook had been good with little kids, even when you were young. A few times you stayed late at school because he was coaching the 4th grader playing soccer. They might not be that ‘little’ of course, but the way he was willing to help, to make sure those boys understood the rules and the basics of playing was endearing.

“My brother also got married last year,” you say.

“No way, little Kiho?”

“Well, he’s 27 now, not so little anymore huh?”

“He used to challenge me for Super Mario, then asked for ice cream even though he’s the one who lost.”

You definitely remember all that. How your little brother, Kiho, always got excited whenever Jungkook came over, even though the initial agenda was to study together, but alas, Jungkook almost always ended up in front of the TV along with Kiho, hands busy over the Playstation controller.

“Consider it practice sessions, Kook. I bet it helps you deal with your niece now.”

“I can confirm that it does not.”

You stifle a laugh, “why is that? I don’t think a one year old will be too much for you to handle.”

“She’s definitely a little firecracker, I can tell you that.”

He glances at you with a warm smile that makes your heart skip a beat.

“A firecracker at one year old? What should I call Miyeon then?”

“Oh, I’m sure she’s as fiery as her mother, is she not?”

Your eyes drift to the river by the side of the road as the car crosses a bridge. A full moon in the sky casting lights across the calm water.

“People always say Miyeon looks a lot like her father. It was nice to hear it before. But now, I wish your word is closer to the truth.”

“Hey, sorry if it makes you uncomfortable. We don’t have to talk about anything that reminds you of him.”

You shrug, “that’s the fucked up part, I guess. I will never be able to, because I share the biggest love of my life with him. He will forever be a part of me.”

After a minute of silence, you finally ask Jungkook, “do you have a child? With your ex-wife?”

“No. We were always planning to postpone until she’s ready.”

You nod a few times, before looking out of the car window by your side and remembering that you didn’t have that conversation with Seonho. Not that you regret having Miyeon a bit early in your life, but you didn’t know that kind of conversation was ever on the table. You just thought having a child is the next step after getting married. 

“Your parents still live in Busan?”

“Yeah. My brother and his family also live over there.”

“Thought maybe you brought them back here.”

Jungkook runs his hand over his hair, “they like it there. My father’s shop runs quite well too. I don’t think they will ever consider living in Seoul again.”

Then you remember. The exact reason why Jungkook needed to move back to Busan after graduation. His father lost his job after his office was liquidated. It was a hard time for them. Having two children who were still in school, while Mrs Jeon was a stay-at-home mom. The most feasible way was to move back to their parent’s hometown, where Jungkook’s grandfather ran a brick and mortar shop. 

“I’m glad to hear it’s going well for them. I remember how… tough it was for you and your family.”

“Yeah, that’s why when I received the scholarship to Singapore, I didn’t even think twice. It was the easiest way for me to continue my study without burdening my parents.”

Suddenly it passes your thought. What if he told you when he was going to Singapore. What if he reached out and said goodbye, at least. Would you have done something about it? And would it have changed your relationship with him?

Again, another what-if scenario running through your mind. But, isn’t this normal for a human being? To think about what-ifs and possible scenarios?

“I know how that feels.”

Jungkook takes another glance at you before returning his focus to the road ahead.

“I mean, I almost didn’t go to college because I thought it would cost too much for my mom. You know she did this alone. The whole parenting thing. But she was the one who insisted that I should get my degree, to get a better job. So I watched her work day and night, making those banchans to sell. She often rejected my help just to make sure I get proper sleep and rest so I could study better. God, the love of a mother to a child is just…”

Your words are stuck in the air because suddenly you feel Jungkook’s hand over the top of your head, patting it gently.

“Jal-haess-eo.”* (you did well)

You’re grateful his eyes are still focusing on the road, otherwise he’ll see a drop of tear running down your cheek. When was the last time someone did that–say that to you? All the heavy weight of bearing everything on your own for the past year–no scratch that, even before, because surely Seonho’s change of behavior didn’t happen overnight, so all the toss and turn, the questioning whether you did something wrong had been inhabiting you for more than few months in advance–hits you again right in the chest. You’ve been strong, trying to be. And it is something nobody really commended you on. That you survived an apocalyptic level of self-esteem destruction. After the affair, you lost any sense of confidence left in your being. It hurt you so much that you started questioning what was wrong about you that someone you trusted your life with had the heart to betray you.

Jungkook hears you though. As much as you try to hold back, he can hear a sniffle coming from you.

“Hey, you okay?”

“Y-yeah, sorry… it’s just, it’s nice to hear someone say it.”

“Say what?”

“That I did a good job. Having someone cheat on you really destroys your self-confidence like that. Feels like I have never done anything right, you know.”

You can see Jungkook’s hand ready to reach out, but he takes it back. Both hands hold the steering wheel tightly.

“I may never know how you feel, Y/N, but to me, you’ve been incredibly strong. So, yeah, you did a great job.”

“Thanks. I hope you know that it means a lot to hear it.”

You both reach your house in no time. He really does remember the way, even after so many years. 

“Thanks, Kook, I really appreciate you driving me back, and also the company.”

“No problem,” resting both of his hands on the steering wheel, Jungkook looks at you intently, “it really is good seeing you again, Y/N.”

As you unlock your seatbelt, you realize you haven’t asked him where he lives right now, you know, for knowledge purposes.

“By the way, where do you live now?”

“Seodaemun-gu, found a great priced apartment there. Not very far from Yonsei too.”

“Oh, it's actually near my office.”

“Great, maybe I can take you to lunch or dinner sometime?”

Who can say no to those big doe eyes, you think, even if you’re not attracted to him you obviously can’t say no to those.

“Sure, text me.”

“I will.”

You’re about to close the car door, when Jungkook calls out, “hey, Y/N.”

“Yeah?”

“Neo-mu jal-haess-eo.” (you really did well.)

As much as your last encounter with Jungkook occupies your mind, even days after, you still hesitate to contact him first. Do you feel disappointed that he hasn’t texted yet? Maybe, a little bit. But you realize that you’re not 15 anymore. He has a life to rebuild, and so do you. And honestly, you’re still unsure what to do with your feelings. Clearly you feel something, you want something, otherwise you won’t be thinking about him. But you still can’t shake your fear aside. What if you try your luck on a man once again and it betrays you?

But that Sunday, a week after your reunion, you let yourself open the shoebox tucked deep inside your closet. As Miyeon is with her father on weekends, you are left with free time to go all nostalgic. 

And it’s there, a few handwritten letters inside a brown envelope. You can’t help but giggle, remembering the times when you received them. Jungkook left most of it inside your backpack, so you were surprised when you found it at home. But there were also times when he handed it to you directly, usually after a little “date” you two had gone  on. Basically buying snacks or ramen from the convenience store and eating it at the park. 

Fifteen minutes later and you are in your third letter. Each are not that long because as much as a romantic he was, Jungkook also was a boy, so most of the letters are one pages, primarily consisting of him dissecting the meaning of a song he was into at that time and how it reminded him of you. 

Oasis’ Wonderwall was one of them. You shake your head a few times while scoffing when you read the lyrics one more time. Oh how dramatic young love was. But what’s younger days without a little bit of emo phase.

Because maybe, you’re gonna be the one that saves me And after all, you’re my wonderwall I have been thinking about the meaning of the word ‘wonderwall’. It’s a word that doesn’t have an exact translation. So I searched around, and found out that people refer to it as someone who helps us in difficult times.  You are my wonderwall, Y/N - JK

Reading more of his letters makes you think about what was the reason again that you both broke up. Why couldn’t you try to fight for it? But maybe, the mindset of a teenager was different than how you are right now. One obstacle and you’d already thought it was the end of the world.

[Jungkook]: Look what I found  [Jungkook]: [pic]

It’s as if the universe is aligning the stars for you, because at that exact moment, your phone lights up with a new message notification from Jungkook. The picture he sent is his guitar and a notebook you recognize from back in the days. His notebook. Usually used for writing down guitar keys from songs he wanted to try.

[You]: Cool! Can you still play it? [Jungkook]: Need to change the strings first. But overall it is still good. [You]: What a coincidence, I’m digging through this too.

Then you send him the picture of things you kept in the shoebox. His letters, your diary, and tucked inside between a birthday card and confettis, a picture, both of you from a photobox. 

[Jungkook]: You really keep everything huh? I should have that picture too. We got two pieces  of them right? One for you and one for me. [You]: I think so. Maybe you’ll find it later when you finish organizing your new apartment. [Jungkook] Yeah, been busy this week with new lease stuff and coordination with campus. [You]: Fighting! [Jungkook]: On that note, are you free tonight? Wanna grab dinner?

But before you reply, another message bubble appears.

[Jungkook]: I remember you said you have free time on the weekends

You can’t help but smile at the fact that he remembers even when you only said it once. You know you said you were scared, unsure about what is to come, but you like this feeling. You need this feeling. Even if it’s only temporary, you want to let yourself indulge.

[You]: I can go for dinner. Where do you want to meet? [Jungkook]: I’ll pick you up in 30

When you thought Jungkook looked handsome last week wearing a black button up shirt with the same dark tone blazer, you are surely not prepared seeing him all casual like now. Dark grey hoodie on, jeans and a pair of sneakers, just outside your door. If he’s not as tall and as buff as he is right now, he might look exactly the same as he was in middle school. Even your mother thinks the same when she opens the door for  him.

“Jungkookie, you are so tall now, but your face doesn’t change at all.”

It’s cute seeing him all blushing while scratching his nape before taking a bow, “eomeoni, it’s good to see you again.”

You both say goodbye to your mother, mentally noting that later you want to bring home takeaways for her.

You are ready to take the passenger seat of his car when he says, “actually, do you mind if we walked to the place?”

Somehow, you can already guess where he wanted to go.

“You wanna go to that samgyeopsal place, don't you?”

“I’ve been missing that place like crazy,” he replies, “nothing beats their meat for real. I will never stop envying you for living so close to it.”

“Funnily, I haven’t even gone to that place since… maybe since I graduated college? Kiho still went though a few times, saying the ahjumma misses me. But I think she misses you more, she always gives you extra meat whenever we go there.”

“Really? But pretty sure after 15 years, she has already forgotten about me.”

“You’re not easily forgotten, Kook.”

“Even for you?”

You elbow him in reflex, since you had started walking side by side towards the place you often visit to eat while you were young. There are many actually–places like this hole in the wall samgyeopsal place–because that’s what you like to do with him, discovering new places to eat with a student level budget.

Ten minutes later and you are both already seated at your usual table. The ahjumma who serves you is still the same person, even though she’s notably older. And as your prediction, she still remembers him. Turns out those doe eyes with bunny smile really left a lasting impression.

“Of course I remember you, you two always come together and ask for the cheapest menu.”

You both laugh wholeheartedly. Remembering the days when you diligently counted pocket money to entertain your culinary cravings.

“Don’t worry, tonight you can bring us your most expensive meat and soju,” Jungkook says confidently while patting his chest. You can’t help but smile as you can see how he tries to brag in front of her.

“Okay, okay. You two are so cute, I'm sure your children are cute too.”

It’s not an odd comment coming from the elderly–to be talking about marriages and kids to the youngsters–but it makes your heartbeat increase just a notch for thinking about another what-if scenario. One where you and Jungkook apparently share a child together.

You don’t comment on it, just smiling shyly while expecting him to maybe correct the ahjumma. But he doesn’t. He only smirks before drinking his corn tea. Maybe you’re just overthinking it. It’s just a harmless comment anyway.

The thought quickly disappears when piping hot food comes your way. Even the smell reminds you of uniforms and homeworks, heavy backpacks and school projects, the kind of stress that could easily be taken away by good food, good desserts and a kiss on the cheek by the man in front of you who really looks like he enjoys the food thoroughly. Pouty cheeks and lips, and an expression people often mistake as anger are the evidence you remember. 

When he notices you staring, he only arches his eyebrows, before quickly taking some meat and condiments and placing it on your plate.

“I’m serious, Y/N, please don’t hesitate to ask the ahjumma for more, their best ones.”

Then you laugh again, because at that exact moment, his facial expression is so endearing, “oh now you’re flexing that you have serious money, huh?”

“I do have serious money. We don’t have to choose between the kimchi fried rice or the Melona ice cream for dessert. I can afford both. Plus cream cheese kimbab if we’re still hungry later.”

“Fancy,” you wink playfully, “can I add banana milk to it?”

“You can take three bottles. No, scratch that, the whole crate.”

You laugh again, before digging into the food and sigh in delight. For the first time since the divorce, you feel excited again. Genuinely excited and giddy that makes the grin on your face reluctant to fade. And it makes your conversation with Jungkook flow pleasingly. Starts with lighter topics, your daily life, and finally shifts into more serious ones when you share an ice cream stick that can be broken into two pieces while sitting at the park near your house. It’s like a routine that you relive after long years.

“Can I ask you something? It might be a bit… personal,” you ask, after licking your soda flavored ice cream.

“I thought we’ve been talking about personal things,” he answers playfully, distracting you with him doing the exact same thing to his ice cream.

“You can choose not to answer, I’m just curious.”

“Ask away, Y/N,” he nudges your arms a little.

“What made you decide to end it? With your ex-wife? I mean, for me it’s obvious, since he cheated and all… But you said yours ended amicably. What made a couple, who love each other, decide to quit? Unless there’s an outside factor? Do I sound weird? Do you get what I mean?”

He smiles knowingly, biting the last chunk of his ice cream before it melts even further down his fingers, “I get what you mean. And yeah, I can’t pinpoint an exact reason why we were not compatible anymore. I just knew once we started to let arguments unsettled, less communication because we didn’t want to argue with each other, that’s where things started going downhill.”

You try not to be distracted when Jungkook starts licking the melting ice cream off of his index finger–God forbid it’s a serious conversation you’re having right now–but well, women are built for multitasking not for nothing. You prove it that night as you still can listen to him attentively while also acknowledging the funny feelings in  your lower belly from his innocent act.

“We tried to talk, again and again, even went to couple’s therapy. But yeah, we couldn’t seem to reach the same understanding even for the basics of things. There’s one thing I always remember from those counseling sessions though…”

You hum to assure him that you’re listening.

“Just because you couldn’t find a middle ground, doesn’t mean that you both are bad people. Sometimes good people just don’t match each other.”

Before you can respond, he quickly adds, “but not for your case, okay? He’s definitely not a good person. In the uncensored version I’m gonna say he’s a fucking asshole, sorry,” he shrugs nonchalantly which makes you chuckle.

“What’s the use of using two versions if you ended up saying it anyway.”

“A fair warning. Not wanting to offend you.”

“None taken,” you too bite the last chunk of your ice cream, “it’s just weird for me to call the father of my daughter as… an asshole.”

“You can separate them, you know, the father and the husband,” he then emphasizes, “ex-husband, my bad.”

“You think so? Can you do that?”

“What?” Jungkook asks earnestly, hands sprawled behind him as he leans back a little.

“Be a good father while being a shitty husband,” but then you remember, he doesn’t even have a child yet, “sorry, maybe you don’t relate to it yet.”

“All I can say is just… I’m gonna try not to be shitty. Even if things don’t work out between me and my kid’s mother, I will try to end it well, and to make sure it doesn’t affect my relationship with my kid.”

There’s a comfortable silence between you for a while, before he adds, “but I know things are easier said than done, so… yeah… what can a man do besides try?”

“I always thought he’s a good person though. Like, he still is, even now… he’s good to everyone…”

“But you.”

“Yeah,” you mutter, “apparently.”

“Which is a shame. Instead of an exception, you should be the conviction.”

How does he expect you to react? Especially when you feel the tip of your fingers brushing with his. Even the cold wind can’t soothe the warmth spreading through your body. 

You try to conjure a response, a witty one deemed comparable to his words that you’re 100% sure will never leave your mind for a minimum of one thousand business days. 

Luckily, the both of you get distracted by the sound of two people chattering. A boy and a girl. From the way they are dressed still in uniforms, huge backpacks and convenience store labeled plastic bags, you'll guess they’re the same age as you and Jungkook back then. Maybe heading home after doing a group project–God knows you’ve done too many of them. But the thing that catches your attention the most is the way their hands are intertwined. The feeling of your fingertips brushing Jungkook’s is amplified as your memory takes you travelling back in time. That’s what you did too. Hands holding each other while he walks you home. Maybe not all the way, but it sure happened in between, like after you crossed a street or when the road was too narrow he’s worried you would be grazed by a car passing by.

Apparently Jungkook senses it too. And his feeling is verified when he catches your face, your wistful eyes in particular.

“Reminds me of us.”

He officially steals your thoughts. 

“I thought I’m the only one.”

“You’re not the only one who remembers it, Y/N.”

“Fun days.”

“Definitely.”

You don’t realize who started it, but when both of your fingers layered on top of each other, neither of you move away, and neither try to move further. It’s just there, relishing in the moment of rekindled feelings.