Miki – Faint line, deep love.
I really don't know how to write about you, Miki.
It's been painful and I'm still longing for you.
Maybe i’ll just write TO you.
It was the Easter Sunday, April 5, when I bled until I lost you. I still couldn't bear to write about happened. Although we were able to share the news to our neighbors, your titas and titos, already. Other than them, we couldn't tell our families how we lost you, especially they were unaware of the pregnancy.
But let me tell you a little story about what happened before our the dreadful day, Miki.
We found out about you in Japan. Then had my ultrasound a few weeks after. You had a strong heartbeat, 100bpm.
This was our only picture of you.
I was thrilled to do this again for the 2nd time that I told my boss and colleagues about you asap. I excitedly talked about you and when I’ll be having my maternity leave.
We also celebrated your dad’s 28th birthday.
Actually, we became completely complacent about activities during that 1st trimester. We even had your aunts and grandparents visit here. Yet, we kept your existence sacred for ourselves.
We also prayed and happily thanked the heavens for you.
And the day before we lost you, your dada bought mommy a sofabed as part of our preparation. Because this time, our home has stairs so I need to have a bed downstairs. Akalain mo ‘yun, anak? After 4 years of marriage, dada finally gave in in buying a sofa just for you. So, thank you 😉
But yeah, I got super exhausted that I bled. Thankfully, I didn’t need a D&C procedure, I was just prescribed pills to completely bleed everything out.
The whole process was a challenge. I cried for days until I had to learn how to deal with the grief. I was also reminded that your Ate Dara is still a baby and still needs undivided attention from mommy. So, the past few weeks gave me time to rest from work, to take care of her and myself.
I'll be concluding my maternity leave in a few days. And you're still in my mind and heart, Miki anak. You were supposed to be with us on November 21st, a little over a month before your Ate Dara's 2nd birthday.
I know there were lapses on our end. I could have taken better care of you and my health, but I think we were simply too confident that we would have more time with you. Still, I am sorry.
And thank you for choosing us to be your parents, even for only a little while. I hold on to the hope that someday, on the other side, I’ll finally get to hold you properly.
While my pregnancy with you was unplanned, we still prayed for you. Your name was prepared long ago:
If you were a Girl: : Mikhaila (Goddess-like) Serene (peaceful)
If you were a boy: Mikhail (God-like) Chase (i’m trying)
You were just a faint line on that pregnancy test. Then a little life we saw once on an ultrasound screen. After that, only silence. But you were here. And you mattered.
As our family is sealed in the eternities, I hope our Father in Heaven will let me take care of you someday.
In recent sayings, you will forever be our 'Multo'. We miss you, Miki. We love you very dearly. Please watch over us.