A Complicated Omnivore.

These are things I wish I knew before my 20s.

The world is not heaven. Things gonna be gone, before you know it. Spend your times more. Relationships, activities, dreams. It matters more than you think. Relationships. Be close to your parents and siblings. Befriend with everyone. You need more friends for starter, you’ll realize that your friends, throughout the years might become strangers, but the real one, stays. Pay attention to how they feel, see the perspective from their point of view, and discuss lots of things with them. You’ll thank me later. Activities. I regret things I haven’t done in ages. Ga nyoba masuk salah satu pleton di SMA, contohnya. I was just too afraid of socializing, meeting new people, taking risks. I still am, tho. So, don’t be like me and find something challenging that you love doing it. And Break more rules. It’s fun (tapi yang terakhir ga disarankan sih). Dreams. When I was little, I was asked what I’m gonna be when I grew up. I said things randomly, being astronaut, policewoman, doctor, scientist, etc. What I knew then was I have no dreams. I have no idea what I want to be. These days, I wish I knew what I had dreamt of. So, I could make plans. and you should too.

Ignore those society talks. I did said that I was so afraid of taking risks. I was afraid of socializing. I was afraid of meeting new people. and I still am. I live with people opinions. I tried to ignore, but still the talks hit on the right spot and kept me thinking ’til 3am. I tried to be the nice daughter and sister, a good student, a good friend, a loving partner, but I was just not enough for everyone. They thought I need to be more passionate. Be more than what I thought I could be. It’s just never enough. and I have never been good. I doubt myself too much. Now I don’t know how to leave this darkness. So, please, don’t doubt yourself so much. You are the only person who knows what you capable of. You are what you think you are.

Learn that you are human and you could making mistakes. Always remember that once you make mistakes, learn from it. In the future, look back to your ‘oops’ moments and just laugh it off.

Tell people how you feel. Remember that the other person isn’t a psychic. If you don’t tell them how you feel, how do they understand what you want? Just be honest with them. Let them know what you’re thinking. Life is too short, you’ll never know when you’ll have the opportunity to say the things you want to say to them later on. If you feel like someone sets your soul on fire, say it. in a good way. If they doesn’t understand your words and keep doing it, then, set boundaries. Boundaries is important.

Being alone isn’t lonely. It could be wonderful, you know, being alone. You should spend more time with you. Be your own bestfriend. Taking trip alone, and you’ll know a lot about yourself even more.

Learn to love yourself. It’s you vs you. If you don’t love yourself in the first place, how did you expect people to love you? You are unique. Say it often and stop comparing yourself to others. Just concentrate on being a better person than you were yesterday. You’ll be amaze on how you change through time.

Learn more skills. Public speaking. Social skills. Making Video. Designing. Singing. Playing instruments. Anything. Learn more. With more skills, you can however solve a large amount of problems, even other person’s. Your life might get easier. That is how we work in this complex and complicated society. The more skilled you become, the more enjoyable your life will be.

"I told you, It's better to just write down how you feel, right?"

That's what I told you that day. I'm not so sure myself, wether it did calm me down. Or was it because I think of you that it calmed me down?

Your name lingers in my ear, your presence makes me smile. A lot. Like a kid. I was drowning in the sea of love. I couldn't stop the film reel my head is playing. My consciousness was being absorbed into a story about me and you.

With you, I am happy. With you, I am comfortable of being myself.

For once, I finally found a reason to be better. and It's you.

Tak selamanya definisi “nyaman” antar manusia sama. Nyaman versi kamu, belum tentu nyaman versiku.

Kamu nyaman duduk denganku, dengan jari jemari yang berdansa diatas kaca di benda dalam genggamanmu. Dengan mata fokus ke monitor telfon genggammu. Yang akhirnya membuatku tertegun, ikut menatap monitormu, enggan bicara.

Aku berbeda. Aku ingin berbincang. Banyak. Mata ke mata, hati ke hati. Layaknya dulu, kita duduk berdua menatap cahaya lampu malam hari didepan pusat perbelanjaan malam. Dulu, perbincangan kita bak tetesan air pegunungan. Tak kunjung kering. Bahkan hingga pagi menjelang, tak habis cerita kita.

Sekarang,

Mungkin tak ada lagi yang bisa dibicarakan. Mungkin pula kita kehabisan bahan.

Atau

Mungkin memang kamu tak lagi perlu kehadiranku.

Ada yang bilang,

Bahagia itu Sederhana.

Aku percaya. Punyaku, salah satunya, adalah dengan melihatmu dari kejauhan, dari sudut yang tak akan pernah kamu tempati. Tak terasa waktu yang hampir dua tahun ini terus berjalan, membuatku kembali terperosok kedalam lubang yang sama. Jatuh, terluka oleh cerita yang sama. Tawa itu tetap ku nanti, walaupun yang ada dalam ceritamu hanya dia. Tak apa, lebih baik diam dengan rasa sayang, daripada tersakiti oleh secercah harapan, kan?

Selendang putih menari, melihatkan lekuk indah setiap helai benang yang terajut menjadi satu di dalam jemari gadis desa.  Satu hal yang tak pernah gadis itu sadari, sepasang mata indah melihatnya dari kejauhan, dengan segala macam keraguan yang berkecamuk di dalam hatinya, membayangkan bahwa ia dapat memiliki, menenangkan setiap tangis yang pernah gadis itu teteskan.

Mata itu berkedip ragu, seakan tak mau kehilangan setiap detik pancaran keindahan gadis itu.   Sejenak gadis itu melihat ke arahnya. Bukan. Bukan karena ia tahu seorang pemuda memperhatikan lentingan-lentingan lembut yang dibuat lengan dan kakinya yang bergerak seirama, namun memang otak sudah terbentuk untuk merespon tatapan orang lain, tanpa mengetahui hal tersebut.

Si pemuda tersentak dan berpaling, tak kuasa menahan malu, jika si gadis mengetahui dirinya memandangi si gadis dengan penuh harap. Mereka saling mengenal, namun sang pemuda tak pernah mendekati si gadis, walau itu hal yang si pemuda inginkan.

Mungkin ia terlalu pemalu. Mungkin pula ia menunggu saat yang tepat. Apapun itu, si pemuda sadar ia tak mungkin pernah ada saat yang tepat untuk dirinya, hatinya, untuk memenangkan hati si gadis. Si pemuda terdiam, kepalanya tertunduk, mengingat kata yang di lontarkan oleh sahabatnya,

Dear You,

How are you feeling? Bored? or Are you happy? Never been better? It’s been awhile since I talk to you.

Oh, I forgot that this isn’t word. And guess what, I just pressed the “cmnd+S”.

I’ve been waiting for finding a great time to talk to you. How have you been? Do you find anything good out there? Are you having so much fun? How’s your project of being a next great self doing? Is it working? Are you becoming a better person? I wish you a great years ahead.

How’re your parents? Are they healthy enough to go on a trip with you? I hope they’re always be healthy and happy. Anyway, how’s your trip to xxxx island? Was it good there? Ah, I find myself wondering things about your trip, I bet it’s fun.

It’s freezing here, I really can’t use the AC inside my room under 25℃. That feels like I’m in Antartica without any blankets on! I’m totally freezing. My life has been challenging. It mostly fun! Oh, and I’m trying to learn chinese words. It’s goddamn hard. My friends help,tho. Ah it’s almost midnight. Guess I need to go. See you later.

Sincerely love you, Your self in 2018

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Part 1, Introduction

AHOY. IT’S BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE I POSTED DI TUMBLR.

That wasn’t a real message to my own self. Diatas itu cuma contoh aja, kalaupun sebenernya ada pesan yang mau aku sampaikan ke my future self, of course I keep it to myself dan ga diumbar ke media sosial macam tumblr. 

Oke, jadi yang sebenernya mau aku omongin ini tentang apa sih?

*jeng jeng jeng*

Yes, “A Letter to My Future Self”.

Apa sih itu? Kenapa sih itu? Emang penting nulis gituan? Buat apa? Apa faedahnya?

One might still ask that thing to me pas gue lagi ga sengaja kepergok nulis surat di kertas yang ditujukan ke gue sendiri. I would say “Yes, it is”. 

If you have an insecure self like I do, If you have a really bad day but you don’t want to bother anyone, If you don’t have that courage to tell your friends how you feel because you don’t want to be a burden to them, If you want to look how big is your improvement years later, well, yes.

As for me, this is the best way to set my goal. I tell it to my future self this day each year, and I’m going to see the improvement in the next mail. It’s fun. Just start by picking how many years out you want to address yourself. Writing to yourself in two or five years can be a great tool for organizing goals and specific outcomes.

This is an incredible exercise to do no matter how old you are. Think of it as a time capsule. Instead of burying some things, writing a letter to yourself gives back memories you want to be the best person you want. Set your goal, write best memories, sad memories, teaching you a valuable lessons. 

Ada beberapa waktu pas aku buka sendiri tulisan aku setelah setahun-duatahun proyek ini aku kerjain, I was blown away. blown away by how much I had changed, and how little I had changed. It’s an incredible exercise for a self-gratitude, since I am a negative-person trying to look happy all the damn time.

Ada juga beberapa waktu aku stuck in a dead-end assignments (or jobs) dan malah jadi uncertain tentang masa depan. Where will you be in ten years? Who I want to be? Semuanya aku ceritain disitu. Segala macem yang aku mau, ya setting my own goal selama setahun. Ada yang gagal, tapi ada kok yang berhasil. 

Beli piano salah satu contoh di aku. Udah sering banget aku ceritain di surat aku kalo aku pengen banget bisa main piano. Beli piano akhirnya kesampean di tahun ke-4 aku nulis surat. Main pianonya? bisa bisa dikit, baca note balok udah mulai bisa. Ga buta-buta amat lah masalah nada. Well, let’s see how good this will be.

Bukan cuma setting goals, kaya yang aku bilang juga sebelumnya, surat ini bakalan jadi memori. Pengingat. I assure you this is good. You’ll see how the past and present is SO much different. It teaches you to cherish every moments. 

You’ll only live once, well, that’s the motto. 

It’s going to be like a snapshots of your life at a point in time, but in a writing. Isn’t it nostalgic to look back and see what you were thinking at that time? “OH MAY GAT, DULU KENAPA GUE KEK GINI SIH MALU MALUIN” kinda thing.

Okay, now let’s go to the part 2.

Part 2, How to Do It

The simplest way to do it is just grab your pencil or pen, write everything in your mind on a piece of paper. Atau bisa juga sih lewat e-mail, atau ambil hape, tulis aja di aplikasi notes gitu kan ya.

First things first, you harus tau mau nulis dimana. Kertas kah? Hp kah? Laptop kah? Pilih platform yang sesuai sama kamu.

Kalo pilih kertas ya sediain amplop! Kalo platform yang kamu pilih adalah selain kertas, karena kamu adalah seorang manusia milenial yang pengen zero-waste and paper-less, YOWES! Yang penting itu siapkan mental buat ga buka surat, notes, atau e-mail yang kamu buat. Pertahun, per-lima tahun, per-sepuluh tahun, juga boleh. Berapa lama kamu baru boleh buka si surat, itu terserah kamu. Kalo mau yang gampang inget sih, misal ya, pake tanggal lahir kamu sebagai patokan. Jadi tiap kamu ulang tahun, kamu buka deh itu surat. Nah, Jadi balik ke nomor dua ini, buatlah surat. Tutup rapat. Set kapan harus dibuka. Dan yang paling penting LUPAIN SEMUA YANG KAMU TULIS. it can surprise you later. You’re future self will thank you for that.

Tiap abis kamu buka surat (dan dibaca), jangan lupa buat tulis surat lagi! Simpan lagi, dan kembali lakukan step nomor dua.

Udah. Simple kan?

Part 3, What to Write

Yang bisa kamu-kamu tulis di surat itu, ya ga beda jauh sama apa yang kamu biasa tulis buat orang. Tapi bedanya, di surat ini, kamu bisa masuk kasih saran atau ngomong yang lebih personal dan mendalam. Iyalah! Kan ngomongnya sama diri sendiri. Kamu bisa tuang segala ide kamu, goals kamu, orang yang bikin kamu kepikiran terus, orang yang nyakitin kamu, nge-rant sejahat apapun, masalah keuangan kamu, masalah cinta, masalah apapun. Biasanya the more specific you are, the more likely you are going to see your improvements.

Kamu bisa tulis hal-hal yang paling kamu takutin, your deepest nightmares. What keeps you awake at night, what have you done wrong, regrets. Atau hobi baru kamu. Buku atau drama korea yang lagi kamu suka sampe bikin kamu gabisa tidur buat tau kelanjutannya gimana, dan gimana hal tersebut ngefek ke kamu.

Atau kamu bisa cerita tentang orang-orang yang penting buat kamu, apa yang mereka lakuin sampe kamu bisa bilang mereka orang yang termasuk dalam inner circle kamu. and many more!

seru kan?

This is just a starting point. Enjoy.