wasted youth

sep 12, 2020

i surrender. i surrender to the people i cannot change, the feelings that are temporary, and to the person that i am healing into. my hands are in the air, to the tips of my fingers where i release: my surrender.

-

i have spent these past three weeks fighting a decision that was made for me. i cycled through anger, grief, sadness, frustration, hurt, disappointment, worthlessness, and more, every hour on the hour. emotions aren't rational and they don't follow the time trajectory that we set for ourselves. for a passion that lasted four weeks, it took me three weeks to reach the stage of acceptance. who knew i could hope so fiercely? who knew i could dream so bravely? (i knew. i knew the whole time because i feel with my entire heart, and i feel deeply.)

but this one was different. this one was real. i wasn't dreaming, it was my reality, and i was living it. this one wasn't a simple cut and done, it was a "let's pretend nothing happened and continue to try to be there for each other" it was a "i will nurse your pain, while you center yourself as the victim behind this, and while you refuse to hold space for me"

you say that you never intended to hurt me but you did. but you did. but you did. my therapist cut me off when i repeated you "he says he didn't intend to hurt me-" "but he did. but he did. but he did." you didn’t intend to, but you did. we are beyond blame at this point, we are at impact. you impacted me. your choices, your presence in my life, you. impacted me. whether or not you wanted this, intended for this, saw this coming; it happened, and it impacted me. 

you can’t hold space for me when you hide behind “intent”. you don’t understand, and you refuse to understand the pain and hurt i feel when you say “but i didn’t intend to hurt you”. you aren’t holding yourself accountable to causing damage to me. i was so broken. because of you.

i felt worthless, like i wasn’t woth a fighting chance. you didn’t choose me. you chose your family over me. and then you asked to be friends? those were the most selfish words out of your mouth i had heard so far. 

but then a week later, you asked for me to wait “a little bit” while you talk with your parents (keep in mind, with zero guarantee of you eventually changing your mind), and then that was the most selfish thing you had ever said to me. 

you had no answer to “how is it worth it if i wait for nothing and it’s not even guaranteed that you’d change your mind and want to date again? would i even want to date you again?” classic. classic that you once again, did not consider my feelings into your request or decision. 

and you didn’t consider my feelings although you claim that you did. your sarcastic response truly says “yes, i hear you, and i feel you”. you were so toxic without realizing how toxic you were being.

when i said “you should have talked to parents about this before”, you said “i called my mom on sunday and talked to her about it and then i ended us”. but what i mean is, you should have figured out this with your parents before you involved anyone else - unfortunately, it was me that you involved. 

you should have faced the issues in your life, decided who you want to be, own who you want to be, and face the consequences of what that would look like, before you involved someone else. 

i know it’s hard. i know it’s difficult, and i know you’re fucking shit at emotions. i just hurt because now i’m affected by the issues that you couldn’t face. 

you lack awareness to the impact that you have on me, and the decisions you make.  “i thought you didn’t like me as much as you did because i’m just a pleb so your reaction made me feel even worse” you discounted my value, our value, and any future value that we could have grown into it. again, i have to make peace without ever knowing our potential, our future, maybe we wouldn’t have fucking worked out, i don’t know, we’ll never know. 

and i’m far from perfect, i know that. i let my pettiness get the best of me when i posted the ig story targeted at you. and i owned it and i am still am sorry for it. i did want to hurt you, i intended to hurt you. i wanted to hurt you back.  as i said, it was a manifestation of my hurt. i’m not perfect, and i’m not rational when i’m hurt. i own the action i took, and i’m so sorry i hurt you.  my therapist says it’s ok to have that feeling to want to hurt you. i can allow myself space to feel that. but i now know i should not have followed through on it.  i thought it would make me feel better, but i watched the tears slip out the corners of your eyes, and i listened to your voice crumple, and i felt everything except better. i’m so sorry. i hope you can understand the nuances and complexity of emotions to understand the pain i felt to the point where i wanted to hurt you back. 

you not understanding my mind set of “wanting to tell you off” - that’s you not understanding my pain. you never sat with the pain that you caused me because you were so busy centering yourself as a victim of circumstances in all of this. but you’re not powerless. you certainly weren’t powerless when you made the choice to end us. you can either choose to be a victim to the circumstances, or you can choose to find meaning behind all of this.

you have a consciousness and awareness to what makes you unhappy. being passive and not taking action to solving won’t change your circumstances. you have the power to change what you want instead of passively being the victim. 

-

it’s all so pointless now. none of this matters. you are not who i thought you were. you have so much to figure out for yourself. you have so much growing to do. we’d never work at this point. there’s too much hurt here.

i’m walking away and trying so hard not to turn back. 

knowing what i know now, who you were with who you are now doesn’t align anymore. the future i envisioned for us doesn’t work, when you aren’t who i thought you were. 

-

i can’t control you. i can’t control the choices you make, the decisions you make, whether or not you go to therapy. i can’t control if you’d come back to me or not, and frankly, i don’t think i’d want you back even if you ever did. so i surrender. i accept these forces that are beyond my control. 

i am feeling so much and too much right now. i am feeling everything. i feel so much grief and i grieve all of the aspects. our friendship, our past, our potential, our future plans & the fact that we are both still here just not choosing each other right now. but i surrender to these feelings. i let them overwhelm me because they are only temporary. they are passing, and they will pass. i will be whole again. 

and i surrender to whomever i emerge at when my healing is done. and oh boy, let me tell you, healing is magical. i am magic. i am so empowered when i am healing. my single girl energy/focus-on-myself energy is so strong. i do things for me, i live for me, i breathe for me. and it is fucking powerful. and while yes, i’m grieving, each day that grief turns more and more into excitement. excitement for new doors that are going to open, new experiences i’m going to share with new people, but most importantly, a renewed sense of self. a deeper connection to my core and who i am as a person. and that is the most exciting part out of all of this: my healing into whomever i am. 

- questions that i guess i’ll never get the answers to. that’s ok too. i guess i’ll just have to find peave in the unknown.

- the way they leave you tells you everything

- wind rushing past your face, hair wild in the wind. the feeling of being alive never felt so alive. 

okay i am in a funk and i feel like i almost have no one to turn to 

so here we go back to my roots

i switched pole studios and took my first class at the new studio yesterday. i left feeling disappointed and frustrated. i joined this studio mainly for the purpose of learning from other instructors and to diversify my knowledge of movement. however, i feel like i was struggling to keep up in the class a lot. i was unfamiliar with the new moves taught, and i wasn’t used to the style of the instructor. she went so fast and didn’t break down moves the way i’m used to. i asked questions but other students weren’t really asking questions so i didn’t want to be too disruptive. i felt disappointed because i had followed this instructor on ig for a long time and was REALLY REALLY REALLY excited to take her class irl but i don’t know if i like her teaching style although i do like the moves she was teaching us 

not being able to follow along in class made me feel weak. and bad at pole dancing. like i almost cried when i left class. why am i such an emotional wreck?

to give myself credit, i hadn’t had dinner, it was 2.5 hours of class at night. i had a really really long day of commuting and running around everywhere.i just felt so drained at the end of it. also im still sick with a lingering cough. oh and my forearms were absolutely destroyed cause i went climbing the day before. so i have a couple of reasons that i was off kilter, and i recognize these reasons, but i still felt so shitty. 

i think there still are positives to this. i have so much to learn. i have a month membership here and that was just one bad day. i switched studios for diversity and i got that in my first day. i wasn’t familiar with anything, so obviously i’m not going to be great at it. 

i think i just had set my expectations for myself really high and beat myself up when i didn’t meet them. im still looking forward to going to class tonight and for the rest of the week. i’m trying to continuously remind myself that there’s only up to go from here.

guys. IM OKAY. i made it.

it’s march 19th and it’s been a while since i last checked in with myself, let alone through the platform of tumblr. 

but i’ve been faring well. i’m changing jobs. my new position starts on monday. i met someone else. i’m focusing some of my time (or as much as possible) on my art (i started a new 365 project and it’s still going strong!), and i’m spending a lot of time at the pole studio. 

i’m really happy with this new person. i met him last week through a friend (heLLO BLIND DATING), and i really wasn’t expecting much, but then we ended up spending four hours together and getting dinner after coffee, and then drinks after dinner?!?!?? i think he is intelligent, self-aware, thoughtful, and witty. HE’S INTERESTED IN SOCIAL JUSTICE, AND HONESTLY, THAT’S ENOUGH FOR ME. THAT IS ALL I NEED. i’m going to move things as slowly as possible because i’m not in a rush, esp. since i just re-learned how to take time for myself and to prioritize myself (it is really nice to be able to not have to move my schedule around for someone else, you know?). 

you also blocked me off of instagram. i wasn’t even engaging with your content. i didn’t look at your stories since the day we broke up. i cried so much the day i found out you blocked me on instagram. my poie account and my main account. was that really necessary? i guess it was for you. i guess it was more for you than me. everything we do is for ourselves now. we don’t need to care about each other. we don’t mean anything to each other anymore. that’s just how break ups go. it took me two days to really get over it and realize that this is just how people move on and cut ties. it was hard because you had made the choice for me too, and i wasn’t ready yet at that time.

i realized today that you also deleted the portrait you painted of me off of your instagram grid. i guess that’s how it goes. i think i’m numb now because i don’t think i felt anything. maybe numbed shock. but nothing else. 

what has it been? a month and a half or a little more? how time changes things so quickly. i was foolish to have stayed in the relationship with you as long as i did. i was riding on blind hope that we would work out, but the thing is, i wasn’t blinded. i knew we wouldn’t work out. but i just hoped so hard that we would. and we tried so hard. i know you tried. but i guess that’s just how things end when it isn’t meant to be. 

will we ever meet again? what would i do if we did? there’s nothing i want from you anymore, and i’m sure there’s nothing you’d want from me either.

I hope you're doing well! This is Jessica Dik who took your photography classes at Bayview (I graduated in 2013). To help jog your memory, I've attached two photos of us in class to this email (I've also attached a more recent photo of me to prove that I have aged since my high school days). I graduated from Bayview and went to Wilfrid Laurier University to study Business Administration, and am now working in social media management in Toronto. How have you been?

The reason I'm emailing is because I've recently picked up my Minolta SRT 101 SLR 35mm Film camera and felt incredibly nostalgic to try film photography again... However, I've completely forgotten how to use it and don't know how to unload the existing film in the camera without breaking it. I know there are millions of online tutorials but I know that I would learn better tactically when handling such equipment. 

I was wondering if you had any recommendations on where I could take film camera lessons around Toronto? I'm looking online, but it seems like most classes are for DSLR cameras. 

Please help me relive my high school photography glory days, looking forward to hearing from you!  

I hope you are happy and have forgotten this 2018's sorrows. I hope you are a confident, happy, strong, and independent woman. Don't forget that you are a whole, complete person by yourself. I hope you have learned to let go of your pain, I'm sure that time heals most wounds, and you're in a happier place now. 

I hope you've learned to love spending time by yourself, and that you have truly spent time cherishing and treasuring your friends. You are so blessed to be surrounded by such supportive and amazing people. Hold Bailey close to you. 

How are your pole goals? Have you achieved an aerial invert? Or improved your chopper? Are you doing pole combos in inversions or have you even moved up to fusion? Jessica, do you have your splits yet?? I hope that you are able to accomplish everything you want to and more. You should be proud of yourself for not giving up when you can't get a move immediately (btw, how's the superman pose going for you? Can you do it aerially yet?). You should be proud of yourself for owning your body and flexing your sensuality for yourself and no one else. Have you performed yet at a showcase? So many questions present me wants to know now, haha. 

How was Iceland and Osheaga? Tell me all about your travel plans. Don't forget about them. New York with Megan? How much food did you eat? 

I hope that one year from now, I'm happy with the job I hold (are you still at Central Station? You should be, really), I'm more invested with photography (use that self-timer, take more self-portraits, do everything for yourself), I'm more proficient and fluid at pole dancing (always push yourself beyond your limits because you always be able to surprise yourself), and I'm an even stronger person who won't settle for less. I hope I have taken care of myself well, that I am healthy and happy, and hungry for life. 

I can't wait to meet you in a year, Jessica.

Until then, take care.

The past can only bind you if you chose to give it your present time. 

Be thankful for the good times. Thankful that you got to experience something so magical at the time, be gracious that you get to let go of the not so good times. You are both released from your mistakes and disconnects within that former relationship. There is no need to hold your head and heart trapped by the memories and heartaches of this relationship anymore, you are free anytime you wish to be.

Learn from this relationship. Grow from it. Make sure the lessons stick and I promise, if it’s meant to be - the universe will provide you with a new love (or maybe an old love) but if you both do your work, it’ll be a different love. A stronger and healthier love.

Once we break up... We tend to focus on the positive things. We put them on a pedestal and are in awe of their glory. But that is not what it is. Their glory is a manufactured product of our imagination.

Before the new year rolls around, tell yourself - you’re letting it go. Leave it in 2018, where it belongs. Start your 2019 fresh. Start it without pain, endless tears, start it by giving hope to yourself - that you will be happy this year. That this year, you will finally learn from your mistakes and choose a loyal, trustful partner who won’t run away when encountering a problem. We’re all damaged to a certain point; but learn from these damages. Take the pain, it’s the only way to heal.

you don't need to completely reinvent yourself and achieve a bunch of external awards/accomplishments for this pain to have been "worth it."

maybe now you just clean your room a little more often, or you drink more water every day. maybe you've been putting off finally getting coffee with that old friend from your past, or you get really into a new tv show or book series that has always interested you. i just want to validate anyone who is making these "smaller" steps of progress post breakup because they are IMPORTANT and they are WORTHWHILE. and it may come in phases too - maybe your first 3 months post breakup is full of behind the scenes, quiet growth and month 8 is when you finally realize you want to apply to get your MBA, or you start working on your new bod, etc. any path towards self improvement is a valid and worthy one, and many times they aren't going to be linear.

Be thankful you’re alive and free, it’s okay to be alone. You won’t be alone forever, stay true to yourself.

You’ll face a lot of hard days but be proud of yourself that you’re making it through them. Be patient with yourself and keep fighting.

are you angry with me? are you ok? and if you’re not, would you tell me?

i don’t know if rupi kaur’s words have ever resonated more with me 

----

we always did things in two you asked me out twice and we even broke up twice so you’d think we were the perfect pair in the beginning, i howled as i cried because words couldn’t  describe the pain i felt i was mourning a death

now the sadness is one that leaks  and seeps into every thought i have you can find it at the corners of my smiles  and the lost twinkle in my eyes.

the ache is a dull but ever present i wish i could feel you as strongly as i feel my broken heart.  all i have is the body pillow you gave me

i can’t stop checking my phone tapping and tapping and tapping and tapping  to an empty notification-less, lifeless screen 9:54pm, 11:13pm, 12:04am, 1:54am, 4:14am

i don’t want you back we haven’t changed enough to make us work we’ve ended at the same place twice  and i don’t need a third to understand 

i just want to hear your voice and know what you did today  or how you’re feeling  but i can’t be your person anymore

----

10:25pm

why don’t you text me  or reach out to me  i miss you so much do you miss me?

do you think of me? am i ever on your mind? what did you do with the gifts i got you? did you throw them out?

will we ever speak again? or it this is it? is this the goodbye forever? will there ever be more?

so much changes in just a week.

the first day, i cried every time i went to the washroom at work, and sometimes, i didn’t even need to go to the washroom, but i went in there to cry. i cried to my boss, and i cried to two of my coworkers. i called just to hear his voice on monday because i could not stop crying on public transit for the life of me. i hung up feeling lighter and calmer, but with a strong sense of sadness, knowing that it was over. on that call, it seemed like it was his decision that we aren’t in a place to continue. and on that call, it seemed like the demise of our relationship was entirely my fault, but at that time, i had accepted it like how he presented it to me. 

tuesday was a blur, and i don’t know how i made it. i listened to every single episode of the ‘love letters’ podcast about forlorn lovers and break ups. 

on wednesday, i went into work and i tried to focus but my mind kept wandering. i went home at 11am, crawled into my bed, and sobbed by myself. i took the day off. in the evening, i was with my best friend, and i vented a lot (but not all, because we had so many meaningless fights that i can’t remember them all). i bottled 98% of our fights that we went through, and never told a single soul. the entire relationship, i was in denial that we were the ones for each other. i swallowed our fights and the one time he broke up with me, i swallowed them, and buried them, and moved on from them, so we could continue to be together. bailey helped me realize that there are so many things on his part that were wrong. so many times he’s villainized me to the point where i believed it. we fought about things that didn’t need to be fought about if he has been willing to see things from my perspective. we were having the same fight every time in a different form. i thought i was happy the entire time i was in it, i denied myself happiness and someone better. i stopped crying on the subway after that night. that night, i went to bed angry. i felt wronged and like there hasn’t been a just closure in our relationship. i told him every time we fought that “it takes two to fight” but he blamed everything on me. his anxiety coloured our entire relationship and all of our interactions. he turned everything i said against him and viewed me as someone to defend himself against. i don’t deny that i was short and impatient to him at the end of our relationship, and i am disappointed in my own behaviour. for the lack of faith in myself to leave when i should have, and for how i let myself accept accusation after accusation. i am disappointed in how i treated him in the end, it wasn’t fair to him, and i am glad he did not tolerate it. on wednesday, i no longer held any hope or feeling of wanting to be together with him again. i was so angry. 

on thursday and friday, i threw myself three hours each day after work into pole class. i went home late, exhausted, and hungry. i no longer cry on the subway anymore. 

on saturday, i volunteered with dogs in the daytime and pet fluffly clouds. in the evening, i saw rupi kaur live and cried at every poem about heartbreak because i felt all of it. i felt like my heart had been broken again, yet rupi was mending it with her words. i drank and was drunk but i did not call or text him. i stayed at a taco bell until 3 am talking with a friend about how wrong we were for each other. i went to bed still angry. 

on sunday, i went to a cafe with the greenest of plants. i stopped going to them when i was in a relationship. why did i stop going? i kept myself busy and went home to relax. i read a little bit of “the sun and her flowers” and felt sadness reign my body again, but this time, it was short-lived sadness that i was able to be quickly distracted from. 

so much happened in one week. i went through so many emotions, and i felt something different everyday. i started journaling to help process my range of emotions, and i started headspace to help me fall asleep at night. i feel settled now, knowing that we were not right for each other, that he is wrong in how he accused me being the reason why we fought for everything, and that i did play a part in our break up. but this break up happened on account of both of our faults. i want to tell him that. i want to let him know “It wasn’t just me, you know. you did this, too”. but what would be the point in that? it’s over, isn’t it? 

i told him that i don’t resent him, but a part of me does. i am angry that i let myself accept his accusations. but it’s different from when you’re dealing with it in the moment to when you can step back and look at what’s happening. 

i still miss him. because it wasn’t just all fights all of the time. we made up, we got over them (at least i did, he held on to so much and then would throw it against me in the end). at some points, we were happy. happy together, with each other, with how things were. i miss having a constant. a best friend. things happen in my life, and i want to tell him everything. i want to know how he’s doing, how is his day, what is he eating, what is he wearing, how is he feeling? i had a best friend, and i lost him overnight. we stopped texting, talking, muted and unfollowed on everything. he’s a ghost in my life and he’s disappeared and it’s like we were nothing to each other.