Ettienne 👌🏽

I’m just irreovacably in unrequited in love with you.

Thing is idk how I feel but sometimes I just wanna be so far away from my body so I don’t have to think or feel anything.

Crazy how I’m mad at you for being who you are and I know who she was cause I used to be her and in some ways still am. I’m just a body I’m just here just here for the moment like a ghost. You don’t get to know me I’ll only let you get so close. You’ll know how much I care but I’ll show you otherwise. I’ll make you feel loved and cared for but In reality I’m empty and nothing makes me happy. Idk what’s wrong with me or when I started to lose compassion for the things I love. Or when you decided it was over but idk what to do with all this pain, regret, and memories. Lost everyone including you and I just dk what to do anymore. I’m just so crazy in my mind always searching euphoria but the only place it exists is with you.

Darling are you ready for more.

Such a bad idea. Because now everything’s wrong .

Can someone take this misery away.

Idc where I go after I just want peace.

Can’t even kill myself right I’m just such a fucking failure. I’ve tried cars, pills, drinking myself to death. Nothing will ever work. And I’m just tired of feeling.

I thought I was gonna die on that plane and it was going to solve everything instead I’m still here thinking about if I try to kill myself again how my parents will have to take over my debt.

I just don’t want to feel anymore.

I don’t really know how to explain it or what I feel. But I just be feeling dead. Like nothing matters. No purpose, no reason, just here. I just feel like this feeling will never go away. It just this nagging at my soul. Like a pain.

Sometimes when I make jokes I take them to far because of how people make me feel and people don’t get it.

Something is wrong with me but I don’t know what to do. Don’t necessarily hate my life. Don’t want to kill myself. Just don’t wanna be here. Don’t Wanna feel tired of feeling emotions. I have such a hard time with life and it shows. And I hate it. I don’t want people to know I wear my heart on my sleeve. It’s all feeling so pointless. So frustrating. Everything just hurts and idk why. Idk what to do with all of this feeling. I’ve got to leave this place. I’ve got to get out of my head out of my heart but I’m just trapped within.

Tbh I’m so depressed I don’t know what to do. Trying not to let it show is causing me to tear at the seams.