Desperately needing a perspective shift.

I don’t think I need to throw away something good to make space for myself to grow. Maybe this new relationship is meant to show me that I need to slow down and take some time for myself to reflect and get some clarity and set some intentions and manifest the growth I so desperately need? I’m not sure. I don’t want to hurt her and I don’t want to hurt myself and I want to be loved but I don’t know if I’m using her or not. Can I figure out what I need for my highest growth and evolution while still being with her? Stay tuned. The universe is up to something for sure though. All I know is that I was depressed before her and that breaking up with her isn’t just going to make that magically go away. What are the lessons this season is trying to teach me? I think it’ll be easier to learn them if I just take some goddamn space for myself (self, I mean this in the most loving but direct way possible). I’m spitting this out because it somehow holds less weight that writing it in my journal and also I can type faster than I write and also I don’t always like negative word vomiting into my journal because then when I go back and read it when I’m in a good place it’s a bit triggering. That is all. Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk, as the kids say. 

i don’t even know when i got to this point but i feel like im going crazy and i dont live life the way i used to anymore. i can’t even explain it in words but i remember how i used to experience life and it’s not like that anymore and i don’t know what went wrong or when and how to fix it and sometimes i feel normal but sometimes i feel completely lost and lonely and confused and have feelings creep in that i felt this summer and that terrifies me and i just want things to be normal again 

i feel lonely and crazy and like nobody even knows me, not even myself